The ATC Report

"In Control" Vol. XIV, No. 10

Even though it has been a number of years since we were contestants on The Amazing Race, we (obviously) still watch the show. We still enjoy seeing the places they go, the things that they do, and most importantly, we still learn a thing or two. That's what we would like to share with all of you in this column - those things that we learned from watching this most recent episode.

Almost right off the bat, we learned that Luke is one of the biggest imposters of all time. You heard it here first - Luke has been faking it this whole race. We're not certain if he actually IS deaf, but we have concrete evidence that he speaks. And we aren't talking about the normal grunts and pants that you've seen so far. We're talking about actual words.

Our evidence? Roll your TiVos back to the point where Margie & Luke are leaving the Pit Stop. Listen to what Margie says about the fight with Kisha and Jen. Did you catch it? That's right; she clearly says that Luke won't be talking to Kisha or Jen for the rest of the race!! Rather a strange thing to say about someone who is supposedly mute, huh? Unless that person...CAN ACTUALLY TALK!

We were just as shocked as you are. But it's pretty hard to argue with the facts, eh Margie?

Luke: Deaf & Mute, or clever imposter?

Then we discovered that, for Cara and Jamie, "...failure is not an option". Really? It seems to us as though failure has been your only option so far. Every leg, there is a first place team and a bunch of other teams that race to avoid elimination. One of those teams is not successful in most legs.

Now, you can claim that you have always avoided elimination - no argument there, but you certainly can't claim that you haven't failed. You see, you have yet to actually WIN a leg.

As the saying goes, "Winning isn't everything, it's the ONLY thing". (Today's factual lesson - while that saying has often been attributed to Vince Lombardi, he never said it. He said, "Winning isn't everything, but the will to win is". The quote we gave is most often attributed to Red Sanders, another football coach. He's not nearly as famous as Lombardi is, though.)

So girls, unless you end up winning this whole race, failure WILL be an option again. Failure might not be an option for guys who launch moon rockets, but it is for reality show contestants.

We also learned a new phrase this episode. We heard "cry worthy" for the first time ever. Of course, it instantly reminded us of the first "-worthy" expression we ever heard, and that was "sponge worthy".

We really miss Seinfeld, don't you? We miss all of those great episodes and all of the great catch-phrases. Stop and think about it. That show gave us "Festivus", "The Soup Nazi", "Master of Your Domain", and the aforementioned "Sponge Worthy". In fact, we're going to break out the Festivus pole right now, and we will be having the feats of strength and airing of grievances almost right away.

Sorry, we got a bit sidetracked there. Where were we? Oh yeah...

Steve and Dave hope to someday become "Playboy Centerfold Worthy", but don't tell our wives.

Going back to our premise that Luke can actually speak - how could he have said "uncle" during the foot massage? If we stick with the (now discredited) story that he is mute, wouldn't they have had an unfair advantage at that Roadblock? Of course, they would have. Thus, we have one more bit of evidence proving that Luke is a charlatan.

You big faker, you.

We got a bit of a laugh when Margie said that she couldn't breathe while wearing the swimsuit. Perhaps it was because she was underwater, and not because of the swimsuit? We're not 100% certain, but we believe that many studies have shown that attempting to breathe while underwater is a factor in most drownings.

We laughed even more when Kisha claimed that those same swimsuits weren't built for people with thighs like hers. Have you SEEN Michael Phelps? (Through the cloud of reefer smoke, we mean). He's got thighs that would feed a tribe of cannibals for a month!

We also found out that, while there might not be any crying in baseball, there certainly is in The Amazing Race. Was it just our imagination, or did Jen cry the entire time that Tammy and Victor spent swimming?

You were even allowed to wear a life-vest, for crying out loud! Here's a hint: life-vests are designed to prevent you from...drowning! Jeez, you could have jumped into the pool, bobbed back to the surface due to your trusty vest, and pulled yourself along the lane markers in less time than you spent sobbing about how you wanted to go home.

Don't get us wrong, we're not unsympathetic. We understand how tough it can be to face your fears like that, but we're also pretty sure that there were PLENTY of lifeguards in the pool area. That fact, combined with your life-vest, would have pretty much ensured your safety.

Finally, the last thing we learned this episode? That's right - when you're running out of time or ideas, just use a...