“In Control” – Vol. XIII, No. 9
For this column, Steve & Dave have decided to "return to their roots." The two of you that have been reading our stuff from the beginning (Season #5) might remember that in our original season we used each column to rate the remaining teams in different categories. Of course, we made up the categories; and the ratings were designed to (mostly) get laughs.
As we look back on some of those early columns, we realize that the writing was a bit raw (and hasn't really changed since) but the idea was pretty good. As we've previously never been afraid to swipe material that we felt was funny, we figured stealing from ourselves wasn't such a bad idea either. And since plagiarism may be construed as a crime, we may be able to sue ourselves and make some Christmas money. So, here are this week's categories.
"Read, Dick, Read"
This icon represents a team's ability to read their clue, interpret the instructions contained therein, follow said instructions, and complete the task specified. Highest rating is 4 books, worst rating is 0 books.
"That's SOME harmony!"
This icon represents each team's ‘harmony' (if you are wondering, it's a picture of Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young). Does the team work well together? Does the team get along - with both each other and the locals? The highest rating is 4 CSN&Ys, while the lowest is 0 CSN&Ys.
"Pretty Enough For The Sears Catalogue"
Many previous Amazing Racers have graced the Sunday inserts. This icon measures the likelihood that this team will join them. Will you someday see this team modeling Kohls underwear? Teams that are likely to show up in your Sunday paper will get 4 Barbie & Kens. Teams that are more likely to be delivering your Sunday paper will get 0 Barbie & Kens.
This one isn't a rating per se. It's what we figure the odds are for the team making the final three. In the example above, we figure that the odds are 7 to 1 that the team will make the final three - pretty long odds, if you ask us.
And now, in the order they finished this leg, here are our ratings and comments on each team:
Toni & Dallas
3 ½ Books
3 ½ CSN&Ys
2 ½ Barbie & Kens
Odds are 3-2.
These two are a good team, and are probably our favorite remaining pair. They have shown the ability to work well together, and they haven't made too many mistakes yet. We've also seen nothing in their edit to indicate a Dallas Oedipus complex, either. We're a bit concerned with Dallas' fascination with Starr (don't touch her, you don't know where she's been, although Nick is probably a safe bet) but his interviews don't seem to indicate that it will be something that could cost them the race. We expect to see them racing for the million.
Ken & Tina
2 ½ Books
2 Barbie & Kens (No relation, BTW)
Odds are 2-1.
These two have been improving throughout the race, both in their team chemistry and in their overall racing ability. They don't seem to be making the mistakes like they did early on in the race, and they seem to be getting along better and better as the race goes on. You can safely eyebrow pencil this duo in as one of the final three.
Nick & Starr
3 ½ Books
4 Barbie & Kens
Odds are 1-2.
These two are either very lucky, or very good. In the last leg we finally saw how they reacted to the stress of not collecting a prize - and they failed miserably. Having left her ‘Rosetta Stone' Russian discs back at the cow costume shop, Starr compensated by giving a ‘Flo'-style whine to any comrade within earshot, while Nick practiced his Broadway breathing techniques to calm him down. They could implode if they fall behind next week, but we expect they will be racing for the million in the end, so long as the Xanax holds out.
Andrew & Dan
1 ½ Books
2 ½ CSN&Ys
½ Barbie & Kens
Odds are 7-1.
How are these two guys still in the race? Is this the state that the "alpha male" teams have fallen to? It seems as though they have misread a clue on each leg, that they are operating as two individuals instead of one team, they've insulted the locals in every country they've visited, and that they have taken the record from Steve & Dave for most consecutive legs finishing second-to-last. (Of course, we still had our shoes.) The only way these two should make the final three is if they are not the team to lose all their money and passports next leg, and IF said losing of money and passports actually has an effect on the team that does it.
Sevte & Dvae's seicpal ntoe to the fnail fuor tames:
Raed the isntucroitns fklos, it's not lkie the wrdos are jbmueld up. Atohlguh eevn if tehy wree, Setve and Dvae flluy epxcet msot erevoyne to be albe to cmperohned dfcifliut msaegess spmliy by mkniag srue the frsit and lsat ltetres rmiaen in teihr poperr oeder. Svete and Dvae lraeend tihs ticrk form Rpliye's Blievee It Or Not in Bnasorn, Msuisroi wehre we saw the msot azmniag viratey atcs.
Steve & Dave's Special Note To Our Readers:
This is the time during the race when you hear the words "killer fatigue" bandied about in the columns and blogs. For a special treat, Google "killer fatigue" and look at "images"! Looky there! Our founder!