"In Control" - Vol. XIII, No. 3
We had too many things to work with this episode. First, we had "sportsbra-gate" (we expect that one to show up again). Then, we had "readyourcluedummy-gate". We also had "gettheotherteamtodothedeed-gate". And finally, we had "whoknewwrestlingwassotoughtolearn-gate". Any one of these could have filled an entire column. Instead, we present the following:
Kell & Christy in the Race(With apologies to Ernest Thayer & "Casey at the Bat")
The outlook wasn't brilliant for the divorcees that day.They found themselves in last place with the pit stop on the way.First, Ken and Tina crossed the line (in this leg they were best).The girls would head to Loser Lodge, or so that's what they guessed.
Some of their fans began to change the channel they were viewing. A comeback seemed unlikely for the two girls to be doing. But those remaining all agreed the race would be just great, if somehow Kell & Christy could avoid their likely fate.
But ‘drew and Dan both crossed the line, and then came Bill & Mark. Now there was just one team left to cross the end-line in the park. Over the faces of their fans, grim melancholy passed. It seemed to be most certain; Kell & Christy would be last.
But drama wasn't done this leg - it had yet to begin. For, Phil announced a problem when one of the teams checked in. Then, those who watched were amazed when Phil had finished talking, Mark & Bill were penalized for riding versus walking!
Then, from five million throats and more there rose a lusty yell. It rumbled through the valley, it rattled in the dell. It pounded on the mountain and recoiled upon the flat. The girls still had one-half an hour to step upon the mat.
There was ease in the girls' manner as they finished wrestling. There was pride in the girls' bearing - they could still win this thing! And when, responding to the cheers, they both did take a bow, no stranger to the show could doubt the race was starting now.
Ten million eyes were on them as they read their final clue. Ten million hands applauded when the girls knew what to do. Then, while the writhing Mark & Bill sat waiting for their time, defiance flashed in the girls' eyes and stiffened up their spines.
And now the clock began to run, its countdown ever steady. At that time both girls agreed their race, so far, was heady. The clock continued to unwind, the seconds onward sped. "We like the race", both girls announced. "Time's wasting", Keoghan said.
From the country and all of their fans, there went up a muffled roar, like the beating of the storm-waves on a stern and distant shore. "Kill him! Kill Phil Keoghan!" shouted someone to their set. And it's likely they'd have killed him had not the girls raced on yet.
With a smile of Christian charity the girls' visages shone. They stilled the rising tumult by simply racing on. They talked of staying in the race and the havoc they'd create. Then, Keoghan glanced at the clock and said, "Hmm, it's getting late".
"Fraud!" cried the maddened millions, and echo answered "Fraud!" But one scornful look from the girls and the audience was awed. They saw their eyes grow stern and cold, they saw their muscles strain, and they knew that the girls wouldn't let Phil mock them once again.
The sneer is gone from the girls' lips; their teeth are clenched in hate. They run with cruel violence as they approach the gate. And now the clock is winding down, and here come both the gals, and now the drama hits its peak - what will happen to our pals?
Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright. The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light. And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout. But there is no joy in Mark & Bill's camp, because those two idiots can't read a freaking clue properly! I mean, come on! Didn't they see season three for crying out loud? What the H*LL were they thinking? Jeez, everyone knows that "Make your way on foot" does NOT mean "Hail the first available cab"! These two moons deserve to be eliminated. We bet that they would probably even try to put no-lead in a diesel. Twits. Here, does this picture give you an idea? They didn't shoot themselves in the foot. They shot themselves in the head.
(BTW, that's Steve's daughter next to some guy in a Cubs hat and a little girl. Just kidding - Steve's daughter IS the little girl. Cute, huh?)