The ATC Report

"In Control" - Vol. XII, No. 8

We're rather bummed, to be honest. The spoilers we heard were all filthy lies (as it turns out), and now our favorite team has been eliminated. And still we have to get through another column. Well, in the spirit of the holidays, here's our offering:

The Twelve Seasons of the Race
(Sung to the tune of Innagaddavida by Iron Butterfly)

On the first season of The Race, Van Munster gave to me:
The Guidos, Frats and Team Momily.

On the second season of The Race, Van Munster gave to me:
A stop in Coober Pedy;
And the Guids, the Frats, and Team Momily.

On the third season of The Race, Van Munster gave to me:
Gas in diesel engines;
Alarm clock on the fritz;
And the Guids, the Frats, and Team Momily.

On the fourth season of The Race, Van Munster gave to me:
Steve and Dave go strolling;
Flo starts her whining;
Preachers in Bangkok;
And the Guids, the Frats, and Team Momily.

On the fifth season of The Race, Van Munster gave to me:
BIG BROTHER REJECTS;
Puncture in your tire;
Fast Forward losers;
Tara goes bra-less;
And the Guids, the Frats, and Team Momily.

On the sixth season of The Race, Van Munster gave to me:
Subway to O'Hare;
MY FOOT, IT HURTS;
Missing French connection;
More Flo whining;
Power of the Cha;
And the Guids, the Frats, and Team Momily.

On the seventh season of The Race, Van Munster gave to me:
Ray's fault - always Ray's fault;
Jews in Iceland;
TANZANIA;
Digging in the cow crap;
Stopped it with my face;
Potent herbal tea;
And the Guids, the Frats, and Team Momily.

On the eighth season of The Race, Van Munster gave to me:
Nothing much to speak of;
We really want a kid;
Beating wife in Berlin;
NEW ZEALAND ZORB;
Eating octopuses;
Still whining;
Lots and lots of teeth;
And the Guids, the Frats, and Team Momily.

On the ninth season of The Race, Van Munster gave to me:
Caviar in Russia;
Nothing much to speak of;
Guy from Bud commercials;
Swedish hay bales;
MY OX IS BROKEN;
Nut bunches in a truck;
Paper underwear;
Bad hats in Frisco;
And the Guids, the Frats, and Team Momily.

On the tenth season of The Race, Van Munster gave to me:
Hopping on a fake leg;
We still don't like the hippies;
Nothing much to speak of;
Gorging on cow organs;
Plastic pecs and boobies;
BEEF ON A MIDGET;
Swimming with the sharks;
I quit, I quit, I quit;
Original Fern;
And the Guids, the Frats, and Team Momily.

On the eleventh season of The Race, Van Munster gave to me:
Steve and Dave not All-Stars;
Rosie gives a house;
Yolanda: Fun to say;
Nothing much to speak of;
Mom and her gay son;
Weirdest haircut ever;
ANOREXIC TWINS;
Eighth place is OK;
Ian: third place;
Twins posing for Sears;
And the Guids, the Frats, and Team Momily.

On the twelfth season of The Race, Van Munster gave to me:
Hope for one more season;
Romber lose one more time;
India driver's license;
Joni needs a drink;
Nothing much to speak of;
We can buy a baby;
I'll see you on Fear Factor;
CHIPANDKIM DOT COM;
We don't care who wins;
Zach is a saint;
Boring winners;
And the Guids, the Frats, and Team Momily.

Well, join us again next week. By then maybe we will have found a new spoiler, and a new team to root for.