"In Control" - Vol. XII, No. 3
That's right, look at it and drool. What you are seeing is a copy of the letter that we recently received from CBS - granting us the right to interview each of the eliminated teams. From now on, there will be no more "made up" stuff about the last episode. No more fake pictures. From here on in, it's real interviews with real racers. The best news is that the first one starts right....now:
S&D: Welcome to the Steve and Dave exit interviews. Today, we're going to be speaking with Marianna and Julia, sisters who were eliminated last night from The Amazing Race.
Steve: (Speaking off-microphone) How much longer? Listen, we're already 20 minutes late as it is. Yes, I understand that... Really? Only 30 more seconds? Right, we're ready.
Steve: (Back on microphone) OK, Daver - any second now. Now, how do I put this phone on "speaker" again?
(Sounds of muffled discussion.)
Dave: ...it's your phone, don't you know how to...?
(More muffled discussion.)
Steve: ...if I can just fold this piece here over the...
(Still more muffled discussion, then sudden silence.)
(Even more silence.)
(Another bit of silence, followed by...)
Dave: ...freakin' moron that turns the whole damn system off trying to...uhhhh...Steve, I think we're on again.
Steve: (From off-mic) What? Turn it to where? Oh, shi...sorry, we're back.
Dave: Now joining us via telephone, Marianna and Julia! Welcome to the Steve and Dave Interview, girls.
Steve: Hi Marianna! Hi Julia! Thanks for talking with us this afternoon.
CBS Representative: Sorry, we will be delayed just a couple of seconds longer.
Steve: Oh, come on!
Dave: Are you kidding? What is the flipping delay now?
CBS: OK, be ready to go in 5...
Dave: Five what, hours?
CBS: ...3...2...1, and...you're on.
Steve: Hello, Marianna and Julia! Glad to be talking to you!
Dave: (Under breath) Finally. Hi ladies, good afternoon to you both!
Marianna: (In a very masculine voice) Uh, hello?
Steve: Is this Marianna or Julia I'm talking to?
Masculine Voice: Who?
Dave: To whom are we talking right now? We know you're both there, but which one is it we're speaking to?
Masculine Voice: Who did you want?
Second Masculine Voice: Gimme that thing. Who do you think this is? This is Drew, ya friggin' idiots.
Steve: Drew? Drew who?
Drew: This is Drew Feinberg, ya mook. What, did you think you were talking to Pope Drew or something?
Dave: Drew Feinberg? From Season 1?
Drew: Yea, that's right - AND from All-Stars. Who is this? You sound like those two losers from season 3. The BFD's.
Steve: It was season 4 - and that's the BFG's, you dolt. Who's with you?
Masculine Voice: This is Kevin, naturally. Who were you expecting, your mama?
(Laughter from Kevin and Drew.)
Dave: Kevin O'Conner? What the hell are YOU two doing on this interview?
Steve: No kidding. What's the matter, Discovery Channel hasn't called back to renew the show? So you figured you would glom onto our gig, huh?
Kevin: Up yours. And what do you mean, "what are we doing here"? What are YOU two mooks doing here?
Dave: We're supposed to be interviewing Marianna and Julia, the two sisters who were eliminated last night.
Steve: Yea, so why don't you two mooches hang up so we can get CBS back on the line, and we'll talk to the real stars - not two has-beens like you.
Drew: Better a "has-been" than a "never-was"! And why don't you two clear off so we can do OUR interview.
Steve: YOUR interview? Ha! What, you plan on calling FOX Reality and begging them for a job?
Dave: If you do, don't go too fast - the speed limit for an interview is only 30 words per minute...regardless of the signs and the speed that everyone else is going.
Kevin: Fuh-nee. Listen, we're here to be interviewed for some web site. Perhaps you lame-os don't know about that, so I'll explain. When you're interesting, people want to hear from you even after your season aired. Thus, they ask CBS to arrange an interview with us. Get it?
Steve: Got it. But you two lost me at "interesting".
Drew: Oh, you're a regular barrel of monkeys, you are. By the way - is this the tall, fat one or the taller, fatter one?
Dave: What, you couldn't even come up with an original line? You had to steal one of ours?
Steve: Oh, crap.
Kevin: Yea, what?
Steve: Look at the letter we got from CBS.
Dave: Yea, so?
Drew: You two got a letter from CBS? What does it say? Are they picking you up for some series?
Kevin: What series? "4½ Men", starring just you two?
(Laughter from everyone.)
Dave: No, it's a letter saying we get to interview the latest people eliminated from the race.
Steve: Not quite, my friend.
Dave: Yea it does. Look here - "Your request to interview eliminated teams from The Amazing Race has been approved."
Kevin: Ohhhhhhh, I get it!
Drew: Huh? Oh, wait - NOW I get it! Hey, we're an eliminated team.
Steve: Yep. Eliminated twice, in fact.
Dave: Oh, this just blows...
Steve: Unbelievable, huh? I think we got boned, partner.
Dave: (Whispers to Steve) We might as well make the best of it, Stever. Freaking, CBS.
Dave: So, girls, how does it feel to be knocked out of a chance to win a million dollars by being nice to another team?
Kevin/Marianna: Listen, doofus. You think I'm in a good mood for this call? Here we're expecting a real interview, it turns out to be you two, and then you called right in the middle of the first 20 minutes of rest I've had since the triplets from hell were born.
Drew/Julia: Hey, come on Kev...they're being cool. Maybe we should too.
Steve: Yea, guys - please don't blame us. We didn't place the call, CBS did.
Drew/Julia: Who?Steve/Dirk Pitt: You know, CBS. The network that hired you to be on the Amazing Race. Twice.
Drew/Julia: Oh, those guys. Aren't they the wizards that thought "Viva Laughlin" was a good idea?
Dave/Brett Farve: Ixnay on the Ivavay AughlinLay, there's an epray on the onephay.
Kevin/Marianna: Epray. Lessee...that would be "pray"...no wait...ah, I'll come back to that one. "Onephay" must be...uhhh...phony? So, it's phony pray? That doesn't make sense.
Drew/Julia: I got it. Don't worry about the English major there. CBS rules! So, how do you guys want to handle this now that you've got us instead?
Steve/Our Man Flint: Wellll, could you guys, kinda, you know, pretend to be the girls? You should know enough about the race to fake the answers, and we could edit accordingly.
Kevin/Marianna: Drew, whaddaya think, buddy? It IS Steve and Dave after all! (Babies whimpering in background).
Julia/Drew: Yeah, what the hell. (Changes to high squeaky voice) Hi Steve and Dave, thanks for calling! (Deep, bronchial coughing)
Steve/James Bond: (Giggling) Umm, Hi Julia. So, did you enjoy your time on the race?
Julia/Drew: We did the first time. On All-Stars, my back hurt like a bitch!
Marianna/Kevin: Asswipe! The girls weren't in All-Stars! We were. We're pretending, remember?
More Drew than Julia: Fuck. I'm confused. (High voice again) I'm sorry guys, I missed the question. I was getting a Tylenol 3. (More hacking)
Dave/McLovin: (Places hand over receiver to block sound.) Stever, this is turning into a bigger train wreck than the last column we did.
Steve/Mr. Toodles: Don't think I don't know it. Maybe we should crinkle paper in front of the phone and pretend it's a bad connection. Speaking of which, why are you blocking your cell phone like that? We're using my speakerphone, remember?
Drew/Julia: I can hear you.
Steve & Dave & Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice: Oh...right.
Kevin: Guys, don't you think (inaudible due to raucous chorus of hungry infants) porcupine?
Kevin: I SAID, DON"T YOU THINK WHEN IT RAINED ON PHIL, IT MADE HIM LOOK LIKE A PORCUPINE?
CBS Rep: I'm sorry; our connection with "Julia" and "Marianna" seems to have been broken. I'm sure we'll call you right back.(Dial tone)