"In Control" - Vol. XI, No. 11
Steve and Dave highly recommend you consume at least 30 oz. of alcohol prior to reading this week's column. That is the ONLY way any of the following will be remotely funny.
Steve: So, is miri back this week?
Dave: She's supposed to be. I hope she remembers to drive on the right side of the road.
Steve: By the way, have you read her postings about her vacation? The lady suffered from major Killer Fatigue after only 2 days. Her poor mom. Perhaps now, she will cut the racers some slack. At least she remembered that oranges in a pillowcase don't leave bruises.
Dave: On the plus side, we should be able to throw in a few pictures again.
Steve: Good, because that was a lot of work last week. I mean, copying down those playlists took time, man. I don't want to have to go through that again. I still can't believe you put 'Daughtry' in your list.
Dave: Don't be so quick to forget that if I hadn't talked you out of including that 'Menudo' tune, you wouldn't be laughing right now. Besides which, Daughtry's song is the exit song this year on Idol. You liked Powter's tune last year.
Steve: Oh, I like the song. I just can't believe you were dumb enough to admit it in this column. And I'm mad at myself for forgetting to add "Roundabout" by Yes.
Dave: I like that one, but I would prefer "I've Seen All Good People" if we're picking Yes tunes. Speaking of picking, what should we do? This is normally the column where we make our picks for 1st, 2nd, and 3rd.Steve: Yeah, so? Muy easyo, habibi. Let's go - I pick...
Dave: Gee, I wonder who you're gonna pick? Could it be the same pair that I'll be picking? I mean, after all, we both read the same spoiler. We both have known who was going home every week.
Steve: Actually, I forgot about that. I WAS gonna pick the Clowns, followed by the Bowling Moms. Hold on, I'll be right back.
Dave: I can do that. Ah crap, I forgot to include at least one song by ‘Meat Loaf' in my list.
Steve: Oh yeah, now I "remember". You know, our readers don't know that we know the outcome. They can't possibly know that Phil called us up during another one of his benders and told us the whole sequence.
Dave: They do now.
Steve: Touché. OK, how about we both pretend that we haven't watched the show at all this year, and pick teams that were already eliminated?
Dave: Yeah, that will make them laugh for what - a second? Duh...I pick John Vito and Jill to win...duh...
Steve: So, you got a better idea?
Dave: How about some type of "photo reveal"?
Steve: Explain what you mean by that.
Dave: Well, we claim that if you look at the photo through red acetone, you will see ‘magic writing' on the pictures telling you who wins. Like this picture of Eric and Danielle from the CBS website:
Steve: Hey, that's really cool! So, if the readers look at the picture on the left through something that's tinted red, then they would see the picture on the right! You can do that with Photoshop?
Dave: Nope, not a chance.
Steve: You son-of-a... So why go to all the trouble of getting my hopes up with that little gag?
Dave: Well, it seemed funny at the time. Besides which, it was a picture and ate up almost one-fourth of a page.
Steve: OK, that I can accept. You know, we could probably build a column around pictures like that. You know, we reveal a secret that no one had discovered yet from the CBS website. Do one of Dustin and Kandice.
Dave: You might be on to something. Here:
Steve: Now THAT'S funny. You can't put that on TARflies, though.
Dave: Why not?
Steve: I'm going to New York this time. I might actually get to meet Dustin and Kandice, and if I do, I ‘m going to ask them to autograph my belly! How would I explain the picture?
Dave: Number one - do you really think that they have been to TARflies? Number two - assuming that they have, do you think they actually read what we write? Heck, we can't even get Mailman Jamie to read every week, and we PAY him to.
Steve: Yeah, you're probably right. So, what do we do for Mirna and Charla?
Dave: Ask, and you shall receive...
Steve: Crap Dave, I just peed myself a little. Dude, you're going straight to hell for that one. No wonder you never go to New York. Is there a former racer you HAVEN'T pissed off with one of your pics?
Dave: Yeah, most of seasons 1 through 3 - we weren't writing back then. But I plan on nailing them all eventually. I think I'll start with Mike Deisel, and then hit those bald guys.
Steve: Damn - I just thought of something. The pictures are cool, but we haven't figured out how to make our picks yet.
Dave: Yeah, I know. Hey, I got an idea - let's ‘spoiler tag' it and append it to the end here.
Steve: Works for me. And that makes us about done for the year, right
Dave: You got it. Have fun in New York. I'll be bowling
Steve & Dave's GUARANTEED Picks:
Hey, we warned you - we've seen a very accurate spoiler (we got it from Uncle Cameraman). If you want to know, highlight the text below. If you don't want to know, then quit reading now. There's nothing else, we promise. Begin spoiler: the order of the pictures is the order of finish. First, the Clowns, then the Bowling Moms, then miri and her mother. Either that or Eric and Danielle followed by Dustin and Kandice, then Charla and Mirna. End of spoiler.