The ATC Report

"In Control" Vol. XI, No. 10

As usual, teams departed from last leg's end-point in the order that they checked in. So far this season, the producers have made no mention of the "12" hours that normal pit stops last. We figure it's because most fans of the race already know that there are some pit stops that are 36 hours long - and should the need arise, those that are 60 or even 84 hours long.

But anyhow, right off the bat we noticed that this episode would be somewhat unique, as far as TAR goes. Look at the picture below of Oswald and Danny leaving the Jockey Club. Pay particular attention to the area circled in the lower left corner.

Editor's note: Miri is on vacation this week. She is the only one who actually knows how to insert the myriad of pictures that you would expect to find into Steve & Dave's column. Lord knows they always fill the column with pictures instead of good writing. And when it comes down to it, why should THEY get to use pictures to compensate for a complete lack of solid journalistic skills? For chrissake, I went to Columbia for four lousy friggin' years as a journalism major, and do they ever allow ME to write a freaking column??!!! No!! It's always, "Hey - go edit this story", or "would you run a spell check on this column?" Well, I've HAD it...

Completely different editor's note: We're sorry. We here at TARflies want you to know that all of our editors are very happy in their jobs. We all really enjoy editing and spell checking columns written by prima donna hacks whose only claim to fame is that they were fortunate enough to get picked to be on TAR. These lousy bastards think that they are something special, just because they managed to last a few stinking legs on a great reality show. A REALITY show!! Did you hear me? It's a REALITY show! Where do they get off thinking that appea...

Editor who doesn't even know the other two editors' note: We apologize again. The preceding two editors' notes in no way reflect the opinion of anyone in charge here at TARflies. In fact, they weren't really even written by anyone at TARflies. Steve and Dave wrote them into the column themselves. Just ask them! You see, they included these fake editor's notes to explain why there aren't any pictures in this column. Miri really is on vacation, and she really is the only one who knows how to include pictures. Honestly. Look, here come Steve and Dave again now. Watch - they will pretend to be shocked that the picture isn't here, and then they will hem and haw a bit about other pictures they had planned, and include some more fake editor's notes. Then they will finish with the ongoing ‘commercial' gag, and their current playlists. See? Here they come...

We can't possibly fill an entire column with...writing. We haven't got that much to say!
So, it seems that our picture proving that Chip & Kim really were a part of ASTAR® somehow didn't survive the ‘editing' process. To be honest, we're shocked. We had been told that miri's vacation would in no way impact our column, and that while she was gone it would be ‘business as usual'. Apparently we were lied to. Well, never mind. We will just continue as though nothing had happened. Here's a completely different picture. This one is an enlarged version of the background when Charla and Mirna were reading their departure clue.

Same editor as last time's note: Uhhhhh, you guys both know that there simply can't be any pictures this time. No miri, no pictures.

Oh, that's just great! We finally get conclusive proof that Reichen and Lance Bass were also on ASTAR® and you can't show it either? What about the pictures we have showing the other former racers?

Same editor's note: Nope, they're out as well.

Wonderful. Just wonderful. What pictures CAN we include?

Still editor #3's note: None of them.

What? None? We can't possibly fill an entire column with...writing. We haven't got that much to say! You expect us to fill an entire column wondering what would have happened if Eric and Danielle would have finished last again? How could a team that's ‘marked for elimination' get eliminated in an NEL? What the heck should we do? Oh, for crying out loud. Play the commercial while we figure this out.

Voiceover guy, who is not an editor and never wants to be one: Did you ever wonder what songs help Steve and Dave along as they are working on their latest column? Well now you can find out and download them for yourselves! Just text the word "play" to...

Oh, you don't really care what songs are on Steve and Dave's playlists? TOUGH. They've got nothing better to write about, so this issue you get playlists. Got it?

Here's the first half of Steve's playlist:

  • "Hotel California" - The Eagles
  • "Ma Belle Amie" - The Tee Set
  • "Conquistador" - Procol Harem
  • "Lola" - The Kinks
  • "Mother and Child Reunion" - Paul Simon
  • "The Boxer" - Simon and Garfunkel
  • "Funeral for a Friend" - Elton John
  • "Let It Be" - The Beatles
  • "Happy Together" - The Turtles
  • "Jump Into the Fire" - Harry Nilsson

And here's the first half of Dave's playlist:

  • "Name" - The Goo Goo Dolls
  • "Follow Me, Follow You" - Genesis
  • "Home" - Daughtry
  • "All I Know" - Art Garfunkel
  • "In A Big Country" - Big Country
  • "Message In A Bottle" - The Police
  • "The Downeaster Alexa" - Billy Joel
  • "Streets Of Philadelphia" - Bruce Springsteen
  • "The Last Song" - Elton John
  • "Superman" - Five For Fighting

And here's the rest of Steve's list:

  • "Streets of Philadelphia" - The Boss
  • "Linger" - The Cranberries
  • "To Sir With Love" - Lulu
  • "Ferry Cross the Mersey" - Gerry and the Pacemakers
  • "Scenes From and Italian Restaurant" - Billy Joel
  • "Drops of Jupiter" - Train
  • "Eight Mile" - Eminem
  • "Losing My Religion" - R.E.M.
  • "There's a Kind of Hush" - Herman's Hermits
  • "Daydream Believer" - The Monkees

Not to be outdone, here are the last 10 of Dave's list:

  • "Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)" - Green Day
  • "All I Wanna Do Is Make Love To You" - Heart
  • "Imagine" - John Lennon
  • "We Belong" - Pat Benatar
  • "Nightswimming" - R.E.M.
  • "Renegade" - Styx
  • "Buddy Holly" - Weezer
  • "Why Can't We Be Friends" - War
  • "Peace Frog" - The Doors
  • "Won't Get Fooled Again" - The Who
We understand we are showing our age with these selections. So what. We're old.
Steve's comments on his list: We understand we are showing our age with these selections. So what. We're old. In fact, one of us doesn't even work anymore. You'll notice that except for one song on both lists our selections completely differ. However many of the artists are the same. What does that mean? How the hell should we know, we're old. And fat. But that doesn't dilute from the fact that without exception, all of these songs have an actual melody. Yessirree, a melody, you "listening to rap young punks". But wait a damn minute you say, Steve has Eminem on his list, that's rap. Sure, we counter, like American Idol is a singing competition.

Dave's comments on his list: These are really the songs that I have in a playlist on my iPod called, ‘Current Faves'. I keep it at 20 songs, and update/replace on an ongoing basis. They are the songs that are my current...uhhh...favorites. And don't be so quick to break bad on rap Stever. I almost included "Gangsta's Paradise" by Coolio on my list. Of course, it's the only rap song I like, but that means nothing. Good list on your part, by the way. I have every one of your songs on CD or album - all of them great tunes.

Editor's final note: I told you so.