The ATC Report

"In Control" - Vol. XI, No. 8

So, what did we see that was new this last episode? Well, there were several things (but of course, we only choose to write about the one we can mock the most).

First, there was Uchenna and Joyce getting the ‘pity' clue. We've seen other racers get one in the past - but this was the first time that Uchenna and Joyce have ever been eliminated, so it was a first for them (and us). You know what we mean by ‘pity' clue, right? It's the clue that says something like, "Go immediately to the next Pit Stop." What it should actually say is, "You're hopelessly mired in last place. This is an elimination leg, and you are about to be eliminated. Even though you haven't done the Detour or Roadblock, go to the Pit Stop now so that we can get Phil headed on to the next locale." Many racers have gotten the pity clue. The Guidos got one on the last leg in season one. Dave and Jeff got one in our season. The Gutsy Grannies got one in season 2. Dennis and Andrew got one in season 3, only it was called the "Fast Forward".

Next, there was Oswald and Danny getting into a fight. OK, it wasn't really a fight so much as a "tiff". Or maybe a "snit fit". In any event, it appeared much worse on the previews than it turned out to be during the episode. (Gee, has that ever happened before?). In the end, it was resolved with a bottle of lemonade. We admit to being a little bored by it all.

And finally, there was the instance of one team being called "dirty pirate hookers" by a member of another team!!! (Yea, this is the one we can have the most fun with). Oh sure, CBS tried to cover it up by replaying the scene after a commercial break with the phrase becoming, "dirty, dirty, hookers", but we know what we heard. Exactly what is a "dirty pirate hooker"? Steve and Dave know lots of pirate jokes, but none of them are about "dirty pirate hookers".

That's a picture of John Lee Hooker. He was a blues guitarist, but we don't think he was what Eric was talking about with his "dirty pirate hookers" comment.

Same picture (John Lee Hooker), only now he's wearing a pirate hat. This may be closer to what Eric was talking about, but all we can think of is the one about the pirate with a steering wheel in his pants. Maybe we're just approaching this from the wrong direction.

That's a picture of a pirate. (OK, we admit that it's more of a picture of Johnny Depp's drunk/high/gay version of a pirate, but let's not split hairs - or infinitives, unless we're about to boldly go where no dirty pirate hooker has gone before). Somehow, this still doesn't seem to be exactly what Eric meant when he called the blondes "dirty pirate hookers".

There's a (pretty bad) picture of Captain Hook. We sincerely doubt that Eric meant that the blondes were cartoon characters, although it's possible.

And here are some pictures of...HOOKERS! Suddenly, we think we finally might be on the right track. Still, we must be missing something.

While we both feel that this picture is probably a step further away from what Eric was referring to, it actually is closer to what he said. Besides which, it allows us to put another picture of a hooker in our column. (Keeping score, that's $80 you owe us so far, Mailman Jamie. He was dumb enough to bet us $20 a picture that we could never manage to actually work pictures of prostitutes into our column).

We somehow think that this is as close as we're going to get to the actual meaning of "dirty pirate hookers". You can tell by the eye patch that this hooker is probably a dirty girl. Not only that, but it brings us to an even $100 from Mailman Jamie. Now we can afford one of our own.

But after considering all of the clues offered to us, and discounting the fact that the scene was probably largely edited, Steve and Dave have determined exactly whom Eric meant when he used that epithet:

(...and we're not talking about the doofus on the left, either.)

And now, a word from our sponsor...

"Want to see what's on Steve and Dave's playlist? Just text the word "play" to...what do you mean, ‘no'? You mean you really don't care what Steve or Dave listens to? OK, we'll just go away then. Thanks."

(By the way, for those of you who don't know the best pirate joke...)

Say Mr. Pirate is that a steering wheel in your pants?

Answered in your best pirate growl:
"Aaarrrrrgggh!! It's driving me nuts"

And another bonus joke:

Two pirates on a ship, one says "Yaarrrggh!"
The other says, "I was just thinking the same thing, matey!"