Amazing Race Rant – Episode 4
"and resting in the shadow of Chile's snow capped volcanoes" ... Phil ... snow-capped volcano? Bet the other active volcanoes make fun of him for that."This beach made of black volcanic sand" ... Phil ... is noted for its beauty and its unique ability to produce only evil sand castles.
"Or can any one of the other teams manage to knock them out of 1st place" ... Phil ... as opposed to their thus-far highly competent skill at knocking themselves out.
"I'm not trying to be arrogant or cocky" ... Rob ... it just comes naturally is all.
"I think Rob and I have great communication skills" ... Amber ... people have no problems understanding the lies that come out of their mouths.
"I almost feel that we're peaking" ... Amber ... though other teams' jealousy and anger towards us is still on a healthy rise.
"I'm not peaking. I'm not even close to my prime" ... Rob ... too bad as Rob is running out of reality shows to be on unless America's Next Top Model starts bending the requirements a bit.
"Rob and Amber beat us a lot in our season, but they didn't beat us when it counted" ... Joyce ... ah, what would they do with another million anyway? It's all the free prizes they won that they were really after.
"That hurt. I'm sure" ... Joyce ... maybe, but you'd think Rob would be used to coming in 2nd by now.
"I'm sure somewhat of a rivalry was built up" ... Uchenna ... and it would be even more of a rivalry if Rob and Amber thought that way too.
"We welcome a re-match because it's healthy competition" ... Uchenna ... well, at least until somebody loses an eye.
"I'm pretty much treating her like a guy except she has nicer boobs" ... Eric ... it wasn't easy but Eric managed to push forward and pull back the woman's lib movement all in one sentence.
"If I had to guess the reason for our inconsistency, we do tend to overthink a little bit" ... Dustin ... it's tough to cure that, but if any team could implement a successful "think less" strategy, it would be the Beauty Queens.
"If there was a solution to what's ailing us, it would be doing our preparation before hand" ... Kandice ... as opposed to doing the preparation during and afterwards, which surprisingly hasn't been all that useful.
"and then trusting ourselves and letting go" ... Kandice ... and hoping the GPS is working and the rescue teams can find us in time.
"We're starting to think that it's a painting rather than an actual shipwreck somewhere" ... Amber ... interesting theory. Just how much of a mental block would an artist have to be in to say "I want to paint half a ship on a beach today"?
"People have the misconception that Danny and I aren't competitive" ... Oswald ... of course beating the other teams each week will cure this misconception eventually.
"And we can do it in the spirit of fun and a sense of style" ... Danny ... and really what's the point of being in 1st if you can't look good doing it.
"We never leave the sense of style at home" ... Danny ... kind of like a gay American Express card.
"Attention men. Attention men. Kandice is a big snorer" ... Oswald ... going out on a limb here, but for a former beauty contest winner, most men might be willing to invest in earplugs.
"I do more than any single person has ever had to do on the race" ... Mirna ... and that includes having to listen to herself 24/7.
"to compensate for any shortcomings we have" ... Mirna ... if Charla hears any more little jokes like that, Mirna can list a broken leg as one of the shortcomings.
"I don't know what they're saying" ... Dustin on Oswald ... but whatever it is, you know it's got to be stylish.
"If I were to stab you, I'd do it right in the front" ... Oswald to Dustin ... I suppose that's comforting ... in a Norman Bates kind of way.
"Charla and Mirna are really good at talking to people" ... Bill ... and apparently that skill is raring to go, regardless of the situation or outfits they find themselves in.
"I'm not wearing the right shoes for this" ... Oswald ... though I'm sure if there were proper shoes for which to explore a beached shipwreck, Oswald would have them.
"In this detour teams must choose between two activities tied to one of Punta Arenas most famous visitors" ... Phil ... you mean besides Rob and Amber?
"teams must figure out that his voyage began and ended in Seville" ... Phil ... might be a bit of a stretch for the teams ... associating explorers with Spain and all.
"While the signs need not point in the right direction, the cities must be spelt correctly" ... Phil ... so the locals will at least know they are going to the right city, albeit the wrong way."I kinda think I'm better at building stuff" ... Rob on the detour choice ... with a reality show past filled with an array of finely built structures and enemies for proof.
"We're going to a charter plane to go to Australia" ... Danielle ... obviously catching a flight with either Amelia Earhart airlines or something sub-orbital.
"Taking a charter to Australia. Stopping for gas about 8000 times" ... Eric ... and you can only imagine the whining ... "are we there yet? are we there yet?"
"Honey, we have to know when to quit" ... Amber on the detour ... and that's probably somewhere between it being frustrating for you and funny for everyone else.
"I think we're only one away" ... Rob on the detour ... from finishing the detour or being in last place? Actually it's both.
"I think we're confused" ... Dustin ... it's difficult to say if this is a result of them over thinking or under thinking.
"My baby figured it out" ... Uchenna ... proving that Joyce may be the only racer who would stand a shot on "Are you smarter than a 5th grader".
"Keep your eyes peeled out for a sailor" ... Kandice ... few more lines like this one and they'll be bumping the Race to 10pm for sure, with a viewer advisory.
"I don't understand what's wrong with you Charla" ... Mirna ... Mirna being unable to understand what Charla's vigorous pointing in her direction means.
"I know where we're going. / You get a gold star" ... Rob / Dustin ... but until you actually get there, maybe it's better keep the dunce cap available on standby.
"Can you put that down. It's not making sense honey. I'm trying to help you" ... Mirna ... by all means Charla stop doing stuff ... otherwise what will Mirna have to complain about later?
"Ok what do you want me to do!" ... Charla to Mirna ... because what I'm thinking about doing probably violates many Chilean laws.
"I don't think teaming up with Rob and Amber was necessarily helpful" ... Kandice ... sure it was ... just for the other teams is all.
"I'm trying to comfort you. / I don't need to be comforted" ... Amber / Rob ... most likely he's too busy not peaking.
"He's full of crap. He wants to finish first" ... Amber ... not sure why that's a bad thing, really. Would you rather him be content with being in the back?
"And it just makes him mad because he lies" ... Amber ... true, but it's still better to have a happy lying Rob than an angry honest one.
"We're looking for the clue box. I hope we didn't miss it" ... Ian ... sadly has any team who's said this, ever not missed it?
"Terri it's got to be this way" ... Ian ... down this secluded path with no flags on it? Ian's police instincts need a little honing.
"the ferry will carry them to Isla Redonda, also known as the end of the world" ... Phil ... guess it'll be hard to miss that. If you run out of world, turn around cause you've probably gone too far.
"Here we are with Rob and Amber, stinking it up at the back of the pack" ... Dustin ... but admittedly Rob and Amber bring a certain level of class to the stink.
"In this roadblock, that person must take on the duties of a postal worker" ... Phil ... is this with or without the use of firearms?
"What they don't know is that their letter was written by a team from their first season on the Amazing Race" ... Phil ... so accordingly, they should avoid any letters with a powdery substance in it or that sound like they're ticking.
"Eric's good at this because he has luck" ... Danielle ... we'll just wait to find out whose shift it is ... good's or bad's
"They're crazy. Amber get in the car" ... Rob about Mirna & Charla to cab driver ... two ladies with a whistle pounding on my window? Pretty sure the cabbie could have figured that one out himself.
"They're out of their minds if they thought I was getting out" ... Rob ... fair observation Rob, but the jury had already handed down the insanity verdict for them long ago.
"I can't believe Rob and Amber took our taxi and left" ... Charla ... and everyone else can't believe that you can't believe it.
"We're both jealous that you two made it back on the race because we're a lot cooler than you two dorks will ever be" ... Eric ... and we sent a letter to the Producers telling them that as well. Hell, stranger surprises have happened.
"No babies on the race" ... Eric ... a little late for advice after 3 pitstops. That's like reading not to have a big meal after you've already boarded the roller coaster.
"We don't have to come in first every time." ... Amber ... though lately that would seem to be the natural order of things in this strange reality world
"We still might be able to" ... Rob ... not sure what kind of deal with the devil could pull that off. It's not like Rob's soul hasn't already been spoken for many times over.
"There's a time to take it slow and there's a time to run" ... Oswald ... and that's usually when you're being chased."You made us come to the end of the world for you, at least say something nice" ... Oswald to Phil ... guess "You forgot something, head back to the beginning" just wouldn't cut it then.
"I don't see it (the flag). I have a feeling we follow the path" ... Rob ... just checking Rob... is that the same feeling you had when you drove in the wrong direction last time?
"It's Rob and Amber. Let's just follow them" ... Charla ... a bold new strategy that nobody has ever tried before.
"It helped that I had the old clue in my hand to throw them off" ... Rob ... nah, it just helped that they apparently are willing to believe anything that is said to them, no matter what the source.
"That they believed me when I said the clue was down there. That's just dumb" ... Amber ... dumb might be a bit too strong, but between that, crazy and naïve, I think we've found the right neighbourhood.
"She said ‘Got it' but she's lying" ... Mirna on Amber ... so that means hanging around on the wrong path talking about it is the best thing why?
"I knew that she was very phony and was lying to me" ... Charla ... she obviously saw through all those hours of TV where Rob and Amber were portrayed as a clean-cut honest playing team.
"As an attorney, I can tell when somebody is lying" ... Mirna ... just apparently not quickly enough though to make a difference.
"We're going to be taking the boat out with Rob and Amber. Old friends" ... Uchenna ... when friends like these get together, everybody better wear life jackets.
"Friends is being used loosely by Uchenna" ... Rob ... apparently both being part of the reality millionaires club doesn't guarantee friendship.
"Amber what happened there. Why did you lie?" ... Charla ... might have something to do with this race we're in but to be fair, choose which answer you want Charla ... the creative lie one or the laughing honest one.
"I wasn't talking to you guys. I was talking to him" ... Amber ... but as for the laughing afterwards, now that was for you guys.
"See I told you. I'm rubbing off on her" ... Rob ... not sure if there's a pumice stone strong enough to get him off either.
"It didn't make sense. It was another lie" ... Charla ... maybe in time, you'll start to piece together a pattern here.
"And we're the last team on the last boat. All alone" ... Mirna ... can something be dramatically depressing yet karmicly funny at the same time? On the bright side, at least they don't have to worry about anyone using them anymore by following their boat.
"We are at a big disadvantage compared to the other teams" ... Mirna ... well only compared to those few that haven't checked into the pitstop yet.
"Don't get a paper cut or ruin your manicure" ... Joe to Bill on sorting mail ... rain, snow and sleet be damned ... there's nothing in the postman's oath covering nail tragedies.
"Later on, I'll let you use my nail buffer Kandice" ... Joe ... and history tells us, there's nothing stronger than an alliance formed through the sharing of accessories
"I felt the tension of competition" ... Uchenna ... careful Uchenna ... being in the same boat with Rob, it could be the tension of the anchor rope tied around you.
"After the Charla and Mirna lie, I felt the desire to beat Rob and Amber" ... Uchenna ... course the "let's not get eliminated" desire probably worked its way in there too.
"I hope reading this has annoyed you as much as you annoy me" ... Bill ... apparently from Hallmark's new line of "Still Bitter" cards.
"It didn't annoy us at all" ... Joe ... can't say the same for the poor viewers who had to sit through it though.
"We're going to get a great letter soon. / It might be from Bama" ... Kandice / Dustin ... not sure it'll be all that great. Probably borders on nasty approaching libel.
"Only one of the two from the Bama team signed the letter. Karlyn was definitely the less warm of the two" ... Dustin ... that's odd. When it came to you two, Karlyn went well beyond warm ... all the way to burning hot even.
"I cannot say that we have entered into a lifelong friendship" ... Lyn via Kandice ... well, not without busting a gut laughing at any rate.
"but I can say that we will have lifelong memories" ... Lyn via Kandice ... which happily with enough alcohol, can be forgotten for awhile.
"I've done the first two roadblocks, so I think Rob's just itching to do one" ... Amber ... sorting through a 40 pound bag of mail should scratch that itch for good.
"Do not trust you know who" ... Patrick via Joyce ... which fits better as a two word response to Patrick's advice: "Thank you" or "Well d'uh"?"She can't talk to her. / You know shut the hell up" ... Rob / Mirna ... ten minutes on the job and they're both showing the early signs of going postal.
"You wouldn't have a #%^ clue what that means" ... Mirna ... doubt it. To have this much good fortune and luck in his life, Rob's got to be praying to somebody on a regular basis.
"See you. Wouldn't want to be you" ... Mirna ... and most likely Rob would agree that the feeling is more than mutual.
"Hopefully you've each been eliminated from the race by now" ... Marshall via Mirna ... one can only dare to dream Marshall.
"You told everyone you speak 5 languages but it turns out you barely speak English" ... Marshall via Mirna ... well she's knows at least two ... English and English with a Spanish accent.
"Hopefully this letter finds you broke, lost and in last place" ... Patrick via Rob ... well one out of three isn't all that great, but Patrick will probably be satisfied with the one he got right.
"Let's beat the liars. Let's bite karma in the ass" ... Mirna ... you may beat karma this round, but remember he's got patience, a good memory, and a big pair of ass kickin boots.
"Way to never quit. That's the key to this game is to never quit" ... Uchenna ... and finish in 1st. Let's not forget that little detail, shall we?
"Cause you never know what'll happen" ... Uchenna ... and if you need an example, here comes Rob and Amber in last place.
"To tell you the truth, what a better place to end the race then at the end of the world" ... Amber ... though the mighty long commute back from there is a bit of a downer.
"I think the thing I'll miss the most is not being able to compete" ... Rob ... and the thing the other teams will miss the most is not having anything to talk about now.
"Knowing that there's a game going on and I'm not in the game" ... Rob ... on the bright side, he'll now be able to set up a good Texas Hold ‘em game with the other sequestered teams.
Were Phil's writers really impressed with Chile's fjords, or did they just copy and paste from their last description of Norway?
So far the pitstops have included two nearby volcanoes and a desert wasteland. Apparently the producers must be saving the swamplands and arctic tundra for closer to the finale.
When stepping on black volcanic sand, do your feet burn or melt?
Note to Oswald: Talking about a stabbing someone from the front within earshot of the ticket agent might be displaying just a little too much style.
Note to Uchenna: It was probably on honest mistake by the stewardess writing out the directions. In the right light, you and Rob could be mistaken for brothers.
My respect for Magellan has grown. He managed to sail around the world, find his way back to his starting point, spell all the countries right, and do so with a map that didn't have big red arrows pointing the way on it.
I can hardly wait for Uchenna and Amber's new co-authored book "Ferdinand Magellan ... Guam's forgotten son"
Not sure what the extra ‘L' stood for in Rob's Philippines, but ‘Loser' and ‘Last' have both made the short list.Technology has made great advances, but until they invent a sign post with a built in spell-checker, Rob won't be completely satisfied.
A post office at the end of the world? Is this the last bastion of a civilized society or just a place where bills and junk mail go to die?
Is the end of the world they only place where Joe and Bill rapping could not be considered a sign of the coming apocalypse?
If you reach the end of the world and turn to face north, does it become the beginning?