Amazing Race Rant – Episode 3
"And in the heart of the arid panorama, the Valley of the Dead" ... Phil ... And with the arrival of the teams, known hereafter as either "The Valley of the Culturally Dead" or "The Valley of the Better off Dead".
"We're constantly taking chances and trying new things." ... Rob ... Like giving the other teams a head start by catching later flights, for instance.
"Not really too concerned about what everyone else is doing..." ... Rob ... ‘cause they're probably just talking about us anyway.
"I don't care if the other racers like us or don't like us." ... Amber ... I'll be equally shallow to each of them, regardless."I could care less..." ... Rob ... but if you paid me more, I could certainly try.
"Sweetheart, if you get in my way, I will run you down;" ... Oswald ... Probably a good thing Danny's doing the driving then.
"...however, we're not going to do it out of maliciousness." ... Oswald ... Wonder if it'll make the run-over victim feel any better that at least it wasn't personal.
"Is there any place with internet open tonight?" ... Rob to villager ... Past midnight in a desert village? Sure, which internet café would you like to try first?
"Come. Come. Come with us," ... Rob to villager ... said the spider to the fly.
"We do feel like the Godfathers of tough competitors." ... Joe ... Better watch out for the other teams/families. They may put a hit out on you.
"There's no reason to minimize us just because we're two gay men living together." ... Joe ... Following the logic that somehow two gay men living apart constitutes a more obvious racing threat.
"Eric sometimes forgets sometimes that this race is about me as much as it's about him." ... Danielle ... No worries. I'm sure he'll remember that when blame time comes around.
"How are you reading and walking like this?" / "Because I'm amazing" ... Danielle / Eric ... Wow! If he starts chewing gum now too, she'll put him on a pedestal forever.
"We believe that if we make intelligent choices and work together, we should do fine." ... Uchenna ... Unfortunately, they are only one missed flight or wrong turn away from that best laid plan flying out of the window.
"We stop for directions and the other team took off." / "I'm a little upset about that because I did the work." ... Joe / Bill ... The whole getting out of the car thing and speaking broken Spanish. It's not easy, ya know.
"We get directions and you guys took off. End of story." ... Bill to Eric ... Well, you kind of glossed over the "Us conspiring and laughing" part, but you've got the gist of it.
"You can't block my car." / "That is so rude." ... Eric / Danielle to Bill ... Expecting Miss Manners from anyone at this point would be a long shot, I'm afraid.
"Ok, let's not get into an argument here." ... Joe to Eric ... Smart move, since they're behind the wheel of a car and you're standing in the open.
"We have decided to work with Terri and Ian. They have kind of proven themselves with directions." ... Dustin ... Interesting choice, given all the time they spent last leg driving around trying to find their car.
"They're funny. They wiggle and jiggle around the world. That's cool with me." ... Ian on the Beauty Queens ... High praise indeed. With that kind of testimonial, they could land a gig on the International mud wrestling circuit, no problem.
"If someone wants to battle with us, we're not just going to be pushovers and step aside." ... Mirna ... Yeah, first we'll pull over and park the car before melting down on someone.
"I think that I love just about every team here." ... Mary ... Except the ones that have just become our new bitter enemies.
"It's hard to run a race when you're so used to your friends..." ... Mary ... and having them make decisions and figure stuff out for us, too.
"And this time we don't have the Chos." ... Mary ... If it makes you feel any better, they probably wish they could be there saying the same about you.
"Charla and Mirna. They were my friends" ... Mary ... and they've been so for like, a whole day or two.
"Last leg of the race, they tried to pass me. The race is on now." ... Mary ... Sigh. Why do I remember hearing that somewhere before?
"Them two girls. They will not beat me at nothing." ... Mary ... Definitely not at the use of creative grammar, at any rate."I'm happy we got the 12:55 flight." ... Rob ... ‘cause an extra hour of hanging with these teams would be murder.
"Charla has a personality that is so huge" ... Dustin ... it's in your face even when she can't be.
"I was keeping my ears open" ... Mirna ... ‘cause eavesdropping and spying are such ugly words.
"They told us that you would help us at the other counter." ... Mirna to ticket agent ... Was that the counter in the other airport or the one that you just made up in your head?
"This is my counter. Do not speak to my person while he is helping me." ... Terri ... Probably time for "my person" to start asserting himself before these two rip him in half like a stuffed toy.
"Terri, you do not own the world." ... Mirna ... If she did, she would have evicted Mirna long ago.
"Do not intercede here." ... Ian to Mirna ... Very forceful but controlled. Bet he's wishing for the old days when "Stop or I'll shoot" would have done the job nicely.
"You're being rude." / "Oh I took lessons from the king of rude ... you." ... Ian / Mirna ... Yet another case of the student surpassing the teacher.
"There was no reason for yelling and screaming at each other." ... Charla ... Since the concepts of first come, first served and basic queuing theory are obviously foreign to us.
"We're in a race and we were trying our best to get ahead." ... Charla ... With their pure hearts and morals safely stuffed down deep in their carry-ons.
"All the strongest teams have an hour lead on the four of us." ... Kandice ... On the bright side, at least you're left with all the weaker teams. Be pretty to lose to one of them, huh.
"Those two behind us are going to follow us the whole way there." / "They sure will." ... Rob / Amber ... Nah, they'll probably change their minds once you get lost.
"Bill had a Jekyll and Hyde moment this morning. He looks like a psycho." ... Danielle ... More troubling than that is, if he is a true movie type psycho, being the pretty blonde with the strong boyfriend pretty much bumps you two to the top of his hit list.
"Just keep doing what you're doing. Don't be distracted by the other teams" ... Amber ... Probably good overall advice when you're driving ... race or no race.
"I'm feeling ... right. For some reason I think it's this way (right)." ... Rob on navigating ... Probably guided by his "try new things" philosophy ... such as getting lost and turning around.
"Rob is not Jesus." ... Joe ... Not sure if Christianity would have caught on so well if he was. And having the Holy Grail be a descendant of Rob and Amber, would Da Vinci have bothered with his code?
"We got to go left over there where we went right, so figure out the map." ... Rob to Amber ... Or at least stop listening to Rob's inner voice. Doing both would serve you well.
"And in this roadblock, that person must immerse themselves in one of Chile's major industries." ... Phil ... For those teams hoping it's wine production, a bitter disappointment is on its way. At least, it's not oil, petroleum or fertilizer.
"I don't even like fish looking at me." ... Danielle ... Cut the fish some slack, Danielle. A giant enters their breeding pond and starts grabbing around ... you're bound to be the center of attention for a bit.
"This is not my thing." ... Danielle on fish catching ... Not sure if fish transporting is actually anybody's thing.
"I think I can do it. She's doing it." ... Amber on Danielle ... Sort of. If you saw how well she was doing it, you might want to re-consider who you're choosing as a benchmark.
"The beauty queens and I hired the same cabbie." ... Terri ... And if he was an entrepreneurial cabbie, he'd be charging a double fare.
"I'm going to smell real good after this." ... Amber on fish collecting ... Maybe spending part of the $37 for this leg on a car air freshener isn't such a bad idea after all."I'm the fish whisperer." ... Joe ... Not sure what they are whispering after you pounded them into the bucket, but I imagine "Owww" is probably a reasonable opening line.
"He was constantly making comments about her breasts." ... Rob on Eric ... On the bright side, at least the teams are talking about something else besides Rob and Amber for a change.
"Amber you look like a fisherwoman." "That's what I am ... a fisherwoman." ... Rob / Amber ... Fisherperson might be a little more PC, but honestly ... does someone who just grabs fish from a tank really rank as a fisher anything?
"They're different types of comments." ... Rob on Eric ... One was crude but amusing and the other ... well it wasn't really anything, was it?
"Be the fish. Become the fish." ... Oswald to Danny ... Motivating, but perhaps not the best advice while standing in a fish breeding tank. It could get ... awkward.
"Dave, why ain't you getting any?" ... Mary ... Because we're both tired, grumpy, being filmed and near the back of the pack. Oh ... were you talking about the fish?
"David don't never touch fish. He's afraid of fish." ... Mary ... Guess the family outings to Red Lobster or SeaWorld are probably off then.
"Lakes, rivers, fishing, kayaking. I don't do none of it." ... David ... Won't even allow "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" to be sung in his presence.
"I saw everyone just doin' it and I knew I was behind, so I figured I'd just hurry up and grab ‘n go." ... David ... That's a good strategy. Course it would have been a great strategy had you just done that in the first place.
"I don't think I'll ever eat flounder in my life again." ... Amber ... Or at the very least, she'll be avoiding those "pick your own flounder" restaurants.
"Eric and Danielle vs. Amber and I. Any day of the week, we're the odds on favorite." ... Rob ... But that's what makes upsets all the more enjoyable.
"Promise me you'll do more cardio." ... Oswald to Danny ... Great idea, although it's tough to find aerobic classes these days that really focus on good fish tossing skills.
"Much as we don't like the ocean, we like lookin' at it." / "Yeah lookin' at it." ... Mary / David ... Well, as arch-enemies go, David and Mary sure know how to pick ‘em big.
"In this detour, teams must choose between two adventures common in Chile's lake district." ... Phil ... How much do you want to bet that it's not going to be sun tanning vs. peddle boat racing?
"We've done rapids before and I almost died." ... Amber ... so this is your first choice again, because ...?
"What was that?" / "Just go." ... David / Mary on missing the sign ... Can't you see that I'm too busy looking for a sign, to pay attention to those other signs?
"Don't screw us like the girls did." / "We're not going to screw you." ... Charla / Bill ... It's probably a safe bet that screwing you is pretty far down on Joe and Bill's to do list.
"Welcome to Charla and Mirna's world. It's a scary one." ... Mirna to a local guide ... So much so, that the guy is probably weighing the pros and cons of leaping from a moving car.
"If you do fall in, don't panic." ... Guide to Rob and Amber ... And if you can avoid it, don't drown either. My boss gets really ticked at that.
"I can't believe I told them about Petrohue." ... Mirna ... But on the plus side, at least they won't have to use you anymore.
"Maybe we're not cutthroat enough for this game." ... Mirna ... Trust me. That's the least of your weaknesses."So, we didn't have to do a detour? That's good." ... Dustin ... Ummm, yes you did ... and that's bad.
"Wow, the girls made up a lot of time. They left the roadblock after us." ... Uchenna ... Amazing how skipping clues really speeds things up, sometimes.
"That is such a bummer that that happened to us." ... Dustin on missing the clue ... A bummer is missing a flight by a couple of minutes. This is more of a head-shaking mistake.
"It was exciting to fall out of the boat." ... Terri ... Certainly, everyone still in the boat got excited pretty quick.
"I can't believe they just took off. If it wasn't for us, they wouldn't have even gotten here." ... Mirna on Joe and Bill ... Sadly, Mirna wasn't quick to deploy the standing in front of their car strategy. I hear that's popular.
"Charla's going to be in love." ... Oswald on the greeter ... Yeah, but I think Phil's already married, though.
"River Wild. Is that good?" ... Mary to Dave ... Hmmm...to the guy who hates everything associated with water, I guess it would be ok.
"I'm not a thrills and chills kinda lady." ... Mary ... Which explains why I'm on an adventure race around the world ... for the peace and quiet of it all.
"Charla's boots was in my tent." ... Mary ... Bet you wish you'd kept one of those flounders from the roadblock for a post-detour boot surprise.
"We have to beat them, otherwise we're going to lose." ... Mirna ... Years of law school paying off with those pearls of wisdom.
"I'm sorry I'm wearing a bathing suit. It's very weird, I know." ... Mirna to a local guide ... He's going to need the $50 after this just to get counseling.
"This is like a nightmare." ... Charla on forgetting the keys ... Can't tell you how many whitewater rafting nightmares always climax with the terror of forgetting your keys on the shore.
"It was awesome to do it once, let alone twice." ... Mary on the Race ... Glad you enjoyed it, ‘cause coming in 9th doesn't exactly guarantee it happening a 3rd time.
"This time we came to the realization that I'm me and he's him." ... Mary ... Curious as to who they actually were before the race?
"I'm not gon' change her, she's not going to change me." ... David ... But maybe we'll change who does the navigating in the future.
ObservationsI'll admit that Bill blocking Eric's car was a formidable roadblock. It was especially effective since it seems like Eric doesn't realize that his car has the ability to go in reverse and actually turn around obstacles.
If Eric, Danielle, Oswald and Danny didn't know VISAs came with security codes before this, at least they had a good extra hour in the airport to contemplate it.
To make it a successful fish breeding tank, do the fisherman just pour some nice Chilean white wine in with the water and pump in some Barry White songs?
Note to Dave: if you hate fish, maybe volunteering to do the roadblock at the fishing dock isn't such a great move.
Had to feel bad for Danny, crashing out of the tank like that. Try to reserve some sympathy for the fish he was carrying though, which ultimately experienced a true "What the f*&^*" kind of moment.
It certainly was creative to write a clue on the bottom of the tank. Course including some fine print stating "If you can read this, you probably stink" would have been a nice touch, too.
Note to Dave, Mirna and Danielle: I understand your hesitation but try to remember that the days of the Carnivorous flounder attacking people have long since passed.
Was smothering the fish with her boobs an effective carrying strategy for Danielle or just a way of introducing the breeding fish to an alternative set of cultures and practices?
Note to Uchenna: If you wish to thank someone and you smell like fish, try a simple wave instead of a bear hug.
If this race was being run in the States, would offering some guy $50 and essentially throwing him into the back of a car be considered good racing or a criminal offense?
Not sure when being a guide on a raft made you a Captain, but I'm sure he appreciated his promotion by Mary all the same. Hope he doesn't try marrying people now.
If Speedo ever develops a bikini with a pocket for car keys, I know at least one interested buyer out there.
Do the producers choose pitstop locations for their natural beauty or their landmark status or is it just funny to hear the teams try to pronounce the names properly?
If David and Mary hadn't been eliminated, would Phil have been justified in giving them a time penalty for overuse of the phrase "the race is now on"?