Amazing Race Rants

Amazing Race Rant Episode 2

"This is Volcán Cotopaxi, an active volcano on the outskirts of Quito, Ecuador" ... Phil ... and with the arrival Reality TV, expect a message from the volcano Gods shortly.

"And at the base of this natural pressure cooker" ... Phil ... we find an artificially created one.

"During the pitstop, Drew required medical attention for symptoms of altitude sickness" ... Phil ... those being shortness of breath, nausea, and an uncontrollable need to find a parachute.

"The other teams have no idea what they are in for" ... Rob ... but it'll probably fall somewhere between a lawsuit and permanent damage.

"I don't even want them to be afraid of us. I want them to be pre-occupied with us" ... Rob ... and undoubtedly down the road evolving into getting tired and just plain annoyed with us.

"This is not even a road. This should be illegal." ... Amber ... Not sure what the police could charge the trail with though. Impersonating a road? That includes a fine and 30 days of litter removal service on itself.

"Danny and I have proven so far that we're here to compete." ... Oswald ... Beats being one of the "filler" all-star teams for sure.

"Why don't we pull over and wait for the other teams?" ... Danny ... Only a good idea if you want to see puzzled looks on their faces.
That of course depends on how long you stop, how many teams passing you get to look at and how hard you have to listen for their laughter.
"If we follow our motto of stop, look and listen, we'll do a lot better." ... Ian ... That of course depends on how long you stop, how many teams passing you get to look at and how hard you have to listen for their laughter.

"Don't roll down the hill like Humpty." ... Eric to Danielle ... Ok, but only if you stop combining nursery rhymes. Unless you're implying that Jack and Jill were pretty fat or that Humpty's wall was on some sort of mountain.

"Who said gay men can't drive?" ... Joe ... Actually, nobody said that now that I think about it, but women and elderly drivers are probably happy to have someone else carry the target for awhile.

"Proceed to the corporate headquarters of Codelco. How cool is that?" ... Dustin ... In the grand scheme of tourist stops, not very.

"I can't have Mrs. Right unless I'm Mr. Right." ... Uchenna ... Good plan. Having both parts of a couple be right all the time is the perfect recipe for an argument free marriage.

"Oh, it might be chilly in Chile" ... Mirna ... cause it's certainly corny in Quito.

"Oh, I don't think the car liked all that." ... Mirna on driving through a pothole ... Better put the insurance company and your spinal cords on that list too.

"We like David and Mary. They are definitely the most trustworthy of all the teams here." ... Mirna ... If you don't believe me, just ask the Beauty Queens.

"So, I guess you could call it a little bit of an alliance." ... Mirna ... Meaning it stops short of us having to actually do anything for them.

"I gotta to be able to see you." / "I'm the big black thing right in the middle." ... Drew / Kevin on towing their truck ... No doubt soon to be the big black thing under the front bumper.

"The race is about us and the course. It's not about the other teams." ... Rob ... Remind me about that again after the first Fast Forward and Yield legs.

"If anything, I think they might be a little paranoid about where we are." ... Rob ... The teams are obviously following the old proverb of keeping your friends close, your enemies closer, and grip onto Rob and Amber like a damn koala.

"If you're not first class, don't put your belongings in first class." ... Drew ... because ironically enough that shows a lack of class.

"He took out my bag and Mary's bag and put it on the ground." ... David ... Might work to your advantage though. Getting off, it'll trip up the whole plane like dominoes.

"Drew's the one playing dirty." ... David ... Whereas, David is simply the one playing sneaky.

"He started it. So it's on." ... David ... Yeah, we know. Rob told us that last week. You did too, as I recall.

"So, you're saying no?" ... Rob to boarding agent ... Yes I am, but if you'd like a 2nd opinion, we could ask the plane speeding down the runway.

"In a manner of 10 minutes, you can go from 1st place to last place." ... Rob ... Don't worry, Rob. Things always get better after the commercial break.

"A miserable game, this race." ... Rob ... It's hardly worth all the free publicity and the trip to Whistler I'm getting.

"What teams must figure out is the majority of these letters, when unscrambled, will spell out one of the ten destinations on the wall." ... Phil ... While the remaining letters, when unscrambled, will spell out "Now it's on."

"How difficult could it be?" ... Joyce on the roadblock ... Well, if fate and irony have anything to say about it, Uchenna better get comfy for awhile.

"She says she has attention to detail, so here's her shot." ... Uchenna ... And with marital support like that, how can she fail.
Normally, you wouldn't think a self-monogramming skill would come in handy too often, but there you go.
"The first thing I noticed is the letters. Hello, Team Guido. I put initials on my own clothes." ... Bill ... Normally, you wouldn't think a self-monogramming skill would come in handy too often, but there you go.

"Ian has an eye for detail. He was a police officer." ... Terri ... And failing his eye for detail, he could always fall back on bringing out the spotlight and billy club until one boardroom member cracks and spills the beans.

"Kevin eavesdropped (on Mary)" ... David ... Yeah, now it'll be a piece of cake for him to repeat a 6 syllable place name in Spanish. Frankly I'm impressed she said it well enough that the guard didn't grimace in pain.

"Because I'm the one who usually picks it (details) up." ... Joyce on taking so long to complete the detour ... Yet, seeing how you haven't picked up on the fact that Uchenna is about to explode, maybe the whole detail spotting skill might be a bit rusty.

"I was so glad when I was done." / "Me too" ... Joyce / Uchenna ... For now, he could switch emotional states from anxiety to just plain suppressed rage.

"Bro, we're in line here. C'mon" ... Rob to Eric ... Yeah, Eric. Can't you play a clean honest game like the rest of us?

"I don't have anything personal against Eric. I was just trying to stir the pot up." ... Rob ... And he must have an excellent view of the whole pot from way in the back of the line.

"I'm not upset. I'm making it clear that if that's how we're playing, that's how we're playing." ... Rob ... In other words, despite earlier reports, it's now officially on.

"You don't understand. When people are riled up, they act irrationally." ... Rob to Amber ... Keep telling her she doesn't understand and you'll probably get to see proof of your theory right in front of you.

"Rob and Amber! Of course, they can go fast." ... Charla on Rob's taxi ... Perhaps they're using the technique of not talking to the driver in an annoying Spanish accent.

"Teams must choose between two jobs essential to the smooth running of a large copper mine." ... Phil ... Running the lunch wagon and making the pennies?

"Pretty cool seeing Amber behind the wheel of a backhoe" ... Rob ... She did look good back there; however, as an aphrodisiac, it may be a bit extreme for most couples.

"I don't have time for a step stool!" ... Mirna to Charla ... But apparently, they have plenty of time to complain and jump up and down to reach the top of the tire.

"There is no step-stool!" / "This is a step-stool!" ... Mirna / Charla ... The Company must keep them around for the odd employee that isn't, say, over 7 feet tall.
Abrasive? They're the audio equivalent of cleaning your ears with sandpaper.
"It's just like their style. It can be kind of abrasive." ... Dustin on Mirna and Charla ... Abrasive? They're the audio equivalent of cleaning your ears with sandpaper.

"My manicurist would be so angry with me today if she saw what I was doing." ... Danny ... Nothing worse than a chewing out by a manicurist. "Danny, have you been working on 2 ton tires again? No buffing for you."

"Does everything look like it's in the groove?" / "I don't know Kev. I'm taking my medicine" ... Kevin / Drew ... Apparently, multitasking between looking and swallowing must be tougher than we thought.

"I'm going to hang." ... Charla on slipping off the step stool ... Interesting choice of priorities. It would be the "I'm going to fall" part that I'd be more concerned with.

"We didn't do a good stop, look and listen today" ... Ian ...Replacing it with a go, don't see, and yell motto.

"I think I was a man in a previous life." ... Danny ... A good day in the salon will wash all those bad memories away.

"The Beauty queens are following us. One thing they don't realize ... I'm paying a taxi driver all the money I have" ... Mirna ... Oh, I think they realize it. They have to be laughing at something.

"You think you're going to use me. I don't think so." ... Mirna ... And so begins Mirna's one small step for principles and one giant lawsuit for the Beauty Queens.

"Are you willing to split the fee since you're following us?" ... Mirna to the Beauty Queens ... It depends. Are you willing to wait for my answer after I stop rolling on the ground in laughter?

"You guys either go and we're going to sit here and hang out for awhile." ... Mirna ... Bold strategy. We'll probably be in last place but at least we'll have a guide there.

"What would you like to do? Decide." ... Charla to the Beauty Queens ... Man, it's almost like a very angry version of Deal or No Deal.

"Freeloaders. I'm not helping them." ... Mirna ... But they seem to be going in the right direction, so let's follow them for awhile.

"What do you want? What do you want from me?" ... Mirna to taxi driver ... Originally just a fare, but now, maybe a 5 minute head start to get away sounds about right.

"Twenty dollars to eat food. I don't eat tomorrow." ... Mirna to taxi driver ... Shouldn't be a problem. Her body will just have to feed on the energy from her drama outburst reserves.

"The girls stopped but they just wanted to use us." ... Mirna ... So, it would have been nicer if they had driven right by you, so that you could pay full fare and be another position behind? Makes sense to me.

"Beauty is sometimes skin deep. It's easy to make yourself beautiful with plastic surgery..." ...Charla ... And apparently even easier to be catty about it.

"...but to have a pure heart and to have morals is not easy to make up." ... Charla ... But we're doing our best.

"Everybody has to find the Valley of the Dead now." / "Let's not get lost." ... Amber / Rob ... Good call. Guessing that if you had to get lost, the Valley of the Dead doesn't sound like the best place to do it. At least there would be company, though.

"C'mon, Phil. The girls always get to do it." ... Bill on hugging ... Poor Phil. With an open door policy on hugging, you never know who will walk through.

"See you. Wouldn't want to be you." ... Mirna on passing Drew and Kevin ... Not sure what shone through brighter there, her purity of heart or her high standing morals.

"I would think right because it (the sign) has the most words." ... Mary on which direction to go ... Not bad logic. Always go with the big wordy signs like "Road to be completed in 2010" and "Trespassers will be shot".

"Go. Go. What's your problem? You drive like a girl?" ... Mirna to Drew and Kevin ... Maybe, but apparently not like an angry or erratic one.

"What are they doing? Do they know where the hell they're going?" ... Mirna on Kevin and Drew ... And for that matter, do you?
It's unfortunate, but maybe she'll be able to fill in an Amazing Race comment card at this pitstop. They'll appreciate her feedback I'm sure.
"I'm very dissatisfied." ... Mary ... It's unfortunate, but maybe she'll be able to fill in an Amazing Race comment card at this pitstop. They'll appreciate her feedback I'm sure.

"For two races now, all I've done is help people." ... Mary ... And occasionally lie a bit to them, too.

"This is the last time I'm going to help anybody." ... Mary ... A sad day for David. Now she'll only have him to complain about.

"He doesn't seem that happy." ... Phil on Drew ... Well, it had been a tough race for him, but c'mon Phil. Do the last place teams generally seem happy afterwards?



Poor Drew. He had a tough enough time running with the backpack. Now having to lug around an oxygen tank too, is going to be murder.

Which 3 Stooges film did Drew and Kevin watch, where a guy on a giant rubber band trying to pull a truck out of a mud hole seemed like a good idea?

Poor Kevin almost got dragged half way to Quito. Guess after the flat tire incident, Drew figured he could get to the airport just as fast with Kevin in or out of the truck.

Got to admire Dave and Mary's bags for trying to sneak into First Class. Getting a good massage. Mixing it up with the Louis Vuittons. It's just the kind of pampering a tired carry-on needs.

Since the plane is flying at a high altitude, if needed could the pilot drop an oxygen mask for Drew?

How low on the company totem pole do you have to be to get stuck in a meeting wearing letters at 2 a.m.?

Was more time spent by the teams talking about Rob and Amber, or by Rob and Amber talking about how the other teams are talking about them?

So, is part of Rob's new bag of tricks to complain when somebody uses something from his old bag of tricks?

And in a policy change, next season to prevent any confusion and differing opinions amongst the teams, instead of "Go", Phil will just be yelling "Now, it's on".
Not that traveling to a copper mine wouldn't be fun, but at least it was nice of them to suggest to the guard that they could go to the Aquarium and Planetarium instead.
Kudos to Eric and Joyce. Not that traveling to a copper mine wouldn't be fun, but at least it was nice of them to suggest to the guard that they could go to the Aquarium and Planetarium instead.

Note to Eric: It's good to be thorough, but if you've got all the letters for a word except an H, it might be worth giving it a try anyway.

So, Joyce can spend a half an hour in a room and not spot the picture answer, but in the end can spell it out for Ian without looking at the paper? Great attention to detail but the timing is not so good.

Just brainstorming here since I'm not an expert on construction equipment, but if you were unsure on how the nuts and bolts were supposed to go on a tire, couldn't you just look at the tire on the other side?

So, the teams have to go through the Valley of the Moon to get to the Valley of the Dead. Wonder if they get lost, whether they'll be able to stop at an Exxon of the Sun or a Howard Johnson's of the Dying for directions.

Wasn't it lucky that Charla was around when it came time to ask the taxi driver how much the fare was? Who else has a mastery of English with a Spanish accent?

With all of Drew's mat jumping, for the next leg are the producers simply going to tar down the mat for the last place finishers?