Amazing Race Rants

Amazing Race Rant – Episode 1

"This is Miami, Florida. Gateway to the Americas." ... Phil ... given the invasion of reality stars, the Americas may want to consider shutting that gate really quick.

"From this tropical boomtown, 11 of our most memorable teams will embark on the 1st ever all star edition of the Amazing Race." ... Phil ... embarking on their way to either television history or infamy. It's a flip of the coin with these teams.
A nice mix of the arrogant, the desperate, and the just plain annoying.
"Who are these all-stars? They are the best of the best." ... Phil ... a nice mix of the arrogant, the desperate, and the just plain annoying.

"With relationships that have evolved since their last race." ... Phil ... odd, since being on reality TV does tend to stunt ones emotional growth.

"And they will do just about anything in their 2nd chance to win 1 million dollars." ... Phil ... not the least of which is to throw caution and dignity to the wind.

"Drew and I raced in season 1, but we've had a lot of changes in our personal lives." ... Kevin ... happily new marriages for both ... sadly new hair growth for neither

"We're five years older. Five years more out of shape." ... Kevin ... and five more years of forgotten geography. Luckily, they've still kept diplomatic traveling style.

"I was a circle then. I'm an oval now I suppose." ... Kevin ... not so bad. At this rate, another five years and he'll be close to a straight line.

"From season 7, newlyweds Rob and Amber." ... Phil ... newlyweds is the best description they could come up with? Rob and Amber's marketing team really dropped the ball on that one.

"We've been married for over a year and half now and the marriage is great." ... Amber ... watch for the "Our marriage is great" Pay-per-view special coming to cable TV, soon.

"The first time we did the race, we came in 2nd place. This time, a whole new bag of tricks." ... Rob ... one key trick would be to finish ahead of everyone else, but maybe that's not sneaky enough.

"The other teams will be trying our old tricks and we'll be like, that's old news." ... Amber ... and since we have those copyrighted, you'll be hearing from attorneys soon.

"We've got some new stuff for you." ... Amber ... nice to see Rob and Amber are keeping busy in the off season.

"See what I've created?" ... Rob ... cue the lightning, thunder and Rob's maniacal laughter. Wonder if their team uniform will be a lab coat for Rob and 6 foot hair with a grey streak for Amber.

"We're still trying to uncover that secret to a really happy and lasting marriage." ... Joyce ... pretty sure that re-appearing on reality TV is not the secret. Apparently winning a million dollars isn't either ... but I'd be willing to try it out anyway.

"I think this time the teams are really out for blood." ... Kandice ... well that ... and the whole million dollars thing is a nice touch, too.

"Everybody we're competing against has already experienced the race." ... Dustin ... knew they called it "All-star" for a reason.

"And learned from their lessons."... Dustin ... either that or they're well on their way to re-learning them again for our amusement.

"It's kind of like racing against your teachers in some ways. It's a little bit intimidating." ... Dustin ... the intimidation factor will fade once you realize that half of your teachers will get lost on their way to the airport.

"We're not like two alpha males racing in the race." ... Bill ... any chance of that faded away once you named your team after a Chihuahua.

"C'mon, we're two gay guys. We're two gay grandpas." ... Bill ... now if they were only cousins too, they'd have checked off most of the Race's diversity demographics all in one team.

"She thinks anything is possible if you put your mind to it." ... David on Mary ... like getting lost for instance.

"My strategy for this race is going to be completely different." ... Mary ... not a bad idea since the strategy that got you to 6th place may need a tweaking or two.

"I don't have to have my alliance doing something for me." ... Mary ... cause at last check, most of your old alliance is at home watching this on TV.

"I can win this race without somebody giving it to me." ... Mary ... good, since the ‘giving it to Mary' idea isn't going over too well with the other teams anyway.

"We came in 2nd by less than 2 minutes. We were kicking butt out there." ... Ian ... sadly, a lot of it was their own.

"Yes we disagreed about things and yes we bickered about things but that's who we are." ... Ian ... and if you say any different, another argument will start.

"Danny and I went through a really difficult fight for a year." ... Oswald ... they finally settled on Danny getting to keep the name ‘Team Cha Cha Cha' during the week and Oswald gets visitation every second weekend and the holidays.

"We knew that the next step was getting engaged and getting married but we just stopped working as a couple." ... Jill ... plans for an e-mail proposal and a completely IM text chat wedding ceremony had to be scrapped, accordingly.

"I like that she has a lot of attitude." ... Eric on Danielle ... and with a good HMO in place, all the bases are covered.

"When I first met him, I thought he was Casanova, just trying to get into the girl's pants..." ... Danielle ... which oddly enough, it appears that he might have anyway.

"...but he was a gentleman and we don't get those in New York, a lot." ... Danielle ... six years of Sex in the City certainly hammered that point down.

"I'm more anxious about it this time because this can make or break a relationship." ... Eric ... and then whose pants could I get into.

"First, take a moment to look at the fierce competitors around you." ... Phil ... and be sure to put on your scariest racing face. Drew and Kevin are covered already.

"No one should take anyone for granted." ... Phil ... but you will anyway, so try not to be bad sports when they beat you.

"Some of you are friends. Some of you are enemies." ... Phil ... if you're curious who's who, see who cuts you off in traffic.

"I do have a huge edge in Miami." ... Danny ... that's the first 20 minutes of the race covered. Only 30 more days to go.

"I've got to catch my breath." / "I told you. Less martinis and more cardio." ... Oswald / Danny ... however, one does make the other go by so much easier though ... just make sure that the stationary bike comes with a cup holder, seat belt and airbag.

"I think we still have that caring for each that we had in Season 3. I hope that it will work to our advantage this time." ... Jill ... didn't exactly pay off with a million the first time, but good luck with it anyway.
Summing up their strategy ... they need to drive the thing to the place to get on the thing to go to the other place. Dazzling.
"What are the two things?" ... Rob on the airlines ... isn't it cute when couples speak their own language. Summing up their strategy ... they need to drive the thing to the place to get on the thing to go to the other place. Dazzling.

"We don't want to just be known as the beauty queens or the blondes who came 4th." ... Kandice ... all things considered, it's probably still a better moniker than the ugly people who came in 8th for instance.

"I'm excited to be back and I'm nauseous to be back." ... Danielle ... inspiring Eric to be both excited and to drive faster and put the windows down.

"I've got a new partner. We've never raced together." ... Eric ... she may not have the racing skills of his old partner, Jeremy, but the pitstops might have a few extra perks.

"As long as she realizes I'm in charge, we'll be fine." ... Eric ... until the first mistake ... then attitude is in charge.

"The boat was cool. It felt like we were chasing drug dealers in the 80's, again." ... Ian ... imagining Ian going sockless and wearing a white suit kind of jolts those old Miami Vice memories, doesn't it?

"It's something you really have to think on your feet about. I certainly want to use that as an advantage for us." ... Ian on being a drug cop ... plus his connections with the Ecuadorian cartels might be useful in taking out a few teams along the way.

"People making moves. People making moves." ... Uchenna ... if you define ‘making moves' as passing you by in the dust, then you're dead on.

"We're following Terri and Ian." / "If anyone knows where they're going, it's a couple of Floridians." ... David / Mary ... not a bad opening strategy, though they're just as likely to be leading them to South Beach or Disneyworld.

"I can't believe I outran Drew." ... Charla ... it would be a foot race worth seeing, if you've got half an hour to spare.

"Did you see everyone pass me? I looked like an idiot." ... Drew ... relax. The other teams probably didn't see you long enough for you to look like anything to them.

"Yeah. You do. You do." ... Kevin on Drew looking like an idiot ... on the plus side, at least they're agreeing on something.

"I can't run at all with that backpack." ... Drew ... but it works perfectly for a slow complaining jog.

"See that beautiful little airplane sign up ahead?" ... Danny ... the city went that way after negative feedback to the "flaming plane hitting the runway" signs.

"Keep stroking me. I like it." ... Danny ... CBS will be offering more Danny and Oswald outtakes on a pay-per-view basis, only.

"Amber and I did not drag our asses back for the Amazing Race All-stars to finish in 2nd place." ... Rob ... we did it so that our 15 minutes can stretch just a little bit longer. Well that, and Big Brother wasn't hiring at the moment.

"Mark my words." ... Rob ... obviously a short leap from Reality TV star to Super-villain.

"You guys showed us the way here. It's the least we can do." ... Rob ... and in Rob's case, that's actually the most he can do ... without choking on his own rage of course.

"It was the first kind gesture I've made. I want it noted." ... Rob ... probably worth noting since under Catholic law, if he does it two more times, he's eligible for Sainthood.

"And it killed me to do it, too." ... Rob ... Rob's conscience is bothering him. I recommend a quick call to security about Danny and Oswald carrying a bomb on board to help smooth over any guilt pains.

"I hear you guys have your own cable channel." ... Danny ... just when you think there's nothing good on TV, along comes something new to prove that point even more.

"Isn't it nice we all come with names?" ... Terri ... it's very convenient. Now teams don't have to expend the effort to make insulting nicknames ... they're pre-packaged.

"Do we have a name?" / "I hope we're the Big Kahunas." ... Terri / Ian ... could be ... but it might be better to hope it just doesn't have "old" or "cranky" in it.

"What teams must figure out is the American flight leaves later but arrives 2 hours earlier than Copa." ... Phil ... Figure out? Wow, that's a head scratching Rubik's cube kind of challenge. Their only chance is to hopefully find someone at the airport that has access to schedules and plane tickets. Good luck.

"Amigo, rapido, rapido, rapido." / "Yeah, yeah, yeah." ... Mirna / Shuttle driver ... that's shuttle driver speak for "I make the same wage whether you make your flight or not."

"If you were a tourist, would you choose 3:30 or 3:50?" / "3:30." / "Good. Then stop arguing." ... Mary / David / Mary ... well as a tourist, Mary's logic does hold up. Now as an educated tourist, checking to see if the 3:30 flight connects, say through Iceland, might be a good next step.

"It seems like we're going in circles." / "Drew can you shut up for a few seconds?" ... Drew / Kevin ... traveling in circles has probably made him nauseous.

"May I borrow your passports, please?" ... agent to Mary ... guess that really depends on what you're going to do with them. Are you checking us in or making a run for the border.

"It didn't really feel like David and Mary were happy to see us." ... Dustin ... probably missed the whole "Don't hate us because we're beautiful" memo they sent out.

"I flat out lied to the beauty queens. We don't want to help them. We want them out." ... Mary ... apparently the alternate title for Amazing Race All Stars could be "The Revenge of the Back-pack."

"Do you think she was telling us the truth?" ... Dustin on Mary ... perhaps the answer lies with first answering "Are they still bitter about us beating them last time?"

"Lie, backstab, cheat. We're definitely gunning for them." ... David on Dustin and Kandice ... why concentrate on running a race when eliminating teams is so much more fun.

"We followed them to the airport anyway." / "So we kinda owed them." ... David / Mary on Terri and Ian ... guess they used up their lie, backstab and cheat quota with the beauty queens.

"If anybody comes and tries to push you out of the way, I'll deal with it." ... Oswald to Charla and Mirna ... go up in line against a little person, a fiery Latino, and a lawyer, and that's one court case you will lose.

"Hello Rob and Kim. It's nice to meet y'all." ... David ... out of the 99% pop culture penetration Rob and Amber have, we've now met the remaining 1%.

"We're big fans. For us just to meet them ..." / "We've already won." ... David / Mary on Rob and Amber ... and I'm sure Rob and Amber feel the same way. Not to judge, but as life goals go, Dave and Mary might consider upgrading a smidge.

"Right now my hands are clammy and my face is going through menopause" ... Oswald ... before any baby longings kick in, this man needs some AC ... stat.

"Rapido. Ra-pi-do. This is too little with rapido." ... Mirna ... not to mention too little with the Spanisho.

"The manager has something for you." ... Terri on Pim's restaurant ... if you get there last, it'll probably be the bar bill for the other teams.
And it doesn't help that these teams don't strike me as the sing-a-long around the campfire sort.
"Oh, the glamour of it all." ... Oswald on Pim's beds ... and it doesn't help that these teams don't strike me as the sing-a-long around the campfire sort.

"Are there bugs in there?" ... Mirna ... no worries. If the Ecuadorian bed bugs bite, the doctors probably have a shot to take care of it.

"If you ask us who we'd love to race against, there's really nobody." ... Amber ... apparently God and Jesus made their short list, but wanted a higher billing than them.

"But I think everybody else would say Rob and Amber." ... Amber ... and in a related story, most astronomers these days are in agreement that the Sun actually revolves around Rob and Amber, as well.

"We know Rob and Amber because obviously, you know, we live on this planet." ... Oswald ... makes the idea of a moon colony sound pretty appealing.

"I've had enough of Rob and Amber. I think America may have also." ... John Vito ... and yet, they keep tuning in again and again.

"See, we haven't lost it. It may have been 2 years but we still got it." ... Rob ... glad to see their driving to the airport, flying, and taking a cab skills haven't dulled over the years.

"We've gone from worst to first. We can do it again." ... Kevin ... but maybe try staying in the middle for awhile. You might like the change.

"The fact that the other teams aren't here ... my heart is bleeding." ... Rob ... oh, wait. That's from all the knives in my back

"We'll give them all big hugs when they get here." ... Amber ... with that promise, aren't you kind of rooting for a humid Quito night and a lot of sweaty racers to arrive?

"Well that was a big mistake not getting on the first airplane." ... David ... guessing that "stating the obvious" is part of their new strategy, too.

"They are advised to enter through the North entrance to the park." ... Phil ... or they'll look like idiots on TV. Who's our first contestant, Phil?

"I can't drive a stick shift that well." ... Mirna ... perhaps a lesson not learned from before or did they think driving a stick shift wouldn't come up this time?

"Everybody always underestimates him because he's crotchety and old looking." ... Joe on Ian ... it's certainly an improvement on everyone just avoiding him because he's crotchety and old looking.

"Eh yo soy?" / "Juan" / "Juan!... ah Juan!" ... Charla / Juan / Mirna & Charla ... are they being friendly or are they just honestly surprised that they've encountered a person with the rare name of Juan in South America?

"For Charla and me, one of things we're good at is interacting with locals." ... Mirna ... definitely an advantage. Now if they could interact with locals who know how to navigate, it might be a real benefit.

"We're not afraid of them and we actually enjoy it." ... Mirna ... not sure how they feel though. They've never hung around long enough for us to find out.

"You never know. We might be able to use the South end." ... Charla ... I'm sure that whole "Enter through the North gate" was just a silly guideline anyway.

"I'll figure out something." ... Charla ... hope that plan includes building a signal fire for the rescue teams.

"It's so much nicer being on our own, in a car, just Bill and me." ... Joe ... not doing a lot for the cameraman's pride now is it?

"In this detour teams must choose between two tasks garnered from Ecuador's history and traditions." ... Phil ... sleeping in restaurants and getting tourists lost.

"Let's do the other one because we always said animals are tough." ... Rob ... and finding a button in a grassy field falls into the easy category, then?

"Maybe that horse is trying to tell us something." ... Rob ... perhaps. Not sure what him pointing at you and his own ass means, though.

"It sucks." / "Never mind it sucks. Let's just do the other one." ... Amber / Rob ... or in other words, let's not try to remember who picked the sucky task in the first place and just move on quickly.

"This is the weirdest thing I've ever done." ... Amber on cutting horse hair ... unlike the normal everyday activities that two seasons on Survivor and getting married on TV can bring.

"I don't know why we didn't do this thing first." ... Rob on the detour ... apparently Rob's triumphs are remembered forever, but his mistakes are forgotten before the show even gets to a commercial.

"If I can cut the nails of a horse, I'm sure I can cut somebody's hair and give them a manicure." ... Oswald ... possibly, but maybe the average customer is looking for more from a hairdresser than a promise that she'll look better than Seabiscuit.
Sorry, God is taping this episode. There was a good Touched by an Angel rerun on.
"You're the first team to arrive." / "That would be a miracle of God. Are you listening?" ... Terri / Ian ... Sorry, God is taping this episode. There was a good Touched by an Angel rerun on.

"Rob you can smile, man." ... Phil ... sorry Phil, if you'll review my contract, it clearly states that smiles aren't free. If CBS ponies up a free trip, maybe we can work something out.

"I told you, Phil. When you said "go", it was on." ... Rob ... worthy of a fortune cookie, Rob. He must have been in a few races where "Go" has meant something else.

"They hesitated at a little lump in the road and I don't know what hesitate means." ... Eric ... one day, maybe a nice tow-truck or ambulance driver might have the definition handy.

"Peru is nice. It's beautiful out." / "I'm sure it's nice in Peru. We're in Ecuador." ... Drew/Kevin ... guess it's not likely we'll be seeing Drew and Kevin in any Ecuadorian tourist ads anytime soon.

"Dang, if you didn't have me holding your hands, you couldn't do nothing." ... Mary to Dave ... you certainly couldn't get lost as quickly or efficiently, that's for sure.

"Just when you think it's running so smooth, it can go downhill really fast." ... Jill ... on the bright side, you'll be able to see parts of the park that the leading teams won't get to see at all.

"Do you think we'll be driving all night long like this Charla, until midnight?" ... Mirna ... nah. Most likely you'll run out of gas and be eaten by the local wildlife long before then.

"I gotta put it in the 4-wheel drive now." ... David ... bet he's wishing for a Dukes of Hazzard horn on the truck right about now.

"So this is fun for you ain't it?" / "Yeah, it is." ... Mary / David on off-roading ... Mary better hope they ditch the truck soon or this could become one strange love triangle.

"I'm touching poop right now." ... Danielle on the horse's tail ... not sure what kind of conditioner can get that out, so keep clipping.

"We're not going to look through a field." ... Dustin ... what team would? That would just be crazy.

"I don't see anything but rocks." ... Charla ... not exactly a tour through Yellowstone, but it has its charm. If you start seeing the skull shaped rocks though, feel free to panic.

"I think they think they're lost" ... Mary ... put another way, I think you think you're not lost. We'll find out who's right after the commercial.

"Then we're not last. And we'll beat them in a foot race" ... Charla ... not unless Drew is behind you somewhere.

"Just think of how many times last time we thought we were in last place but we weren't." ... John Vito ... unfortunately, that means you're probably due to be right this time.

"Wrangle it will require holding down a wild horse." / "That's fine. I'll hold it." Mirna / Charla ... while it's important to not give into size stereotypes, ones that outweigh you by 400 pounds are pretty hard to ignore.

"It doesn't pay to fix it now. I can get there just as fast on a flat tire." ... Drew ... while somewhere, an Ecuadorian rental car agent weeps for his truck's rim.

"Eye on the prize. Eye on the prize." ... Jill ... it would be a lot easier to see that prize, though, if there weren't so many other teams blocking my view.

"This is not how we wanted to come back." ... Jill ... yeah, getting lost in an Ecuadorian nature park would be tough to envision for anyone's comeback.

"It's amazing how bad we wanted it. The hunger. We didn't think anyone could surpass it." ... John Vito ... a million dollar prize does do a lot for one's appetite.

"Maybe this is going to be put us, John Vito and Jill, on a new path that's definitely more than just friends." ... Jill ... possibly lovers ... or bitter enemies ... or maybe both.

 

Observations

With the arrival of the reality all-stars in South Florida, it's probably the only time in Miami's history where immigrants actually turned around and started rowing back to Cuba.

How did Eric and Danielle manage to get their own boat and why didn't Rob sabotage it?

If the start is any indication of Drew's speed with the backpack, are the chances of seeing him in a dramatic race to the finish line getting slimmer?

Note to David: the procedure at the airport is 1) Ask about the flights, 2) And then give them your passports. The other way doesn't work so well unless being 1st on the 2nd flight was what you were going for.

The new American Airlines slogan ... "We leave later and still get there earlier"

Is there any irony that the teams travel to the foreign country of Ecuador and the first place they are told to go to is Plaza San Francisco?

Pim's is one of the few restaurants around that if you eat or drink too much, they have on-site facilities for you to sleep it off.

On the next episode of Ecuador COPS ... police were called to investigate a scary bald American guy rolling around in the streets screaming in pain.
Not sure when parts of a soldier's uniform getting lost in a field actually became a key point in Ecuador's history and traditions, but it couldn't have been a glorious day.
Not sure when parts of a soldier's uniform getting lost in a field actually became a key point in Ecuador's history and traditions, but it couldn't have been a glorious day.

So they were clipping the wild horses' hooves because they had difficulty walking, but apparently they can still run away pretty quickly.

At which point after getting a haircut and a manicure does a wild horse become just a little bit domesticated?

I'm happy Canada has finally done away with all of those pesky province names and has just gone with the city, country format. Whistler, Canada for example. Who couldn't find that on a map?

Between Rob & Amber and Charla & Mirna, is there anyone on the race that David and Mary aren't fans of?