Amazing Race Rants

Amazing Race Rant – Episode 9

"This is Madagascar, the fourth largest island in the world" ... Phil ... with only Australia, Greenland, and that freaky island from Lost being bigger.

"Will David and Mary's allies rebound and jump ahead of the other teams?" ... Phil ... or just go joyfully bouncing off in different directions?

"Teams must find this coffee house and the log into one of these marked computers to discover a surprise in their AOL e-mail" ... Phil ... that it's been overrun with SPAM announcing discount prescription drugs and valuable stock tips.

"Due to limited availability of flights out of Madagascar ..." ... Phil ... hell, even the animals from the film could only leave by boat.
Don't you hate it when you're given two tickets to Paris and have no choice but to use them?
"... teams are being provided tickets to Paris, France. However they are under no obligation to use these tickets" ... Phil ... thank God for that. Don't you hate it when you're given two tickets to Paris and have no choice but to use them?

"A lot of people look at Kandice and I and assume that things come easy" ... Dustin ... nah ... well, nothing beyond money and material goods, anyway.

"That things are handed to us" ... Dustin ... not always. Sometimes, people carry it for us, too.

"But the truth is we sweat, we cry, we fight to win" ... Dustin ... and a lot of times, it's all at once.

"I've never been to Finland / Don't they wear wooden shoes?" ... Kandice / Dustin ... not always. In winter, they switch to the more practical wooden boots.

"I get on his case sometimes about some issues that I think he needs to handle" ... Tyler on James ... like learning what those letters on the compass mean.

"but I think he knows it comes from a loving place in me" ... Tyler ... if this is love, I wouldn't want to see what comes out of the hating place.

"Every night Kimberly and I are looking at what we need to do to get to this pit stop as fast as possible" ... Rob ... and each night she comes back with the whole "lock Rob in the trunk" strategy.

"We have this bond with James and Tyler that we don't want to break" ... Rob ... of course. we are working on a better group name than "the puke pack."

"The blondes aren't super-trustworthy" ... Rob ... meaning he thinks they are kinda trustworthy? How much brain protein did Rob throw up, anyway?

"We really miss Dave and Mary" ... Godwin ... geez man ... it's only been 12 hours. If you're going to miss something, miss sleeping in for once, like they're probably doing.

"We want to run this leg in memory of them" ... Godwin ... but for your sake, just try to remember them moving a little faster, okay?

"That makes it sound like they're in the grave" ... Erwin ... instead of snoozing at the Madagascar Howard Johnson's down the street.

"Once a member of the six-pack, always a member of the six-pack" ... Erwin ... it's kind of like the Masons, but their Holy Grail is more like a Dixie cup.

"We're looking for something that leaves earlier to get to Finland, but we'll go through any country" ... Dustin ... just don't ask us to pronounce it or find it on a map, is all.

"The blondes. We're using them and we know they're using us" ... Tyler ... is it a bold strategic move or a cool opening for a letter to Playboy?

"It's like a really weird relationship where we don't know who's going to stab who first" ... Tyler ... if that's the relationship you're in, maybe it's time you starting dating other teams.

"We've got Dave's hat. Kentucky's here with us in spirit" ... Karlyn ... and by the time Dave wakes up and notices it's missing, we'll be long gone anyways.

"This last leg, the Chos worked with the Barbies. It didn't necessarily change how we working together" ... Lyn ... it just re-enforced that we aren't really working together.

"We have to add meals. / I'm not worried about the meal. I'm just worried about the flight" ... ticket manager / Lyn ... flying Madagascar Airways, it's probably best to skip the meal anyway. Lemur stew isn't exactly everyone's cup of tea.

"We didn't have to go through a lot to make it happen, so we're just really appreciative of them being co-operative" ... Karlyn on getting tickets ... and I'm sure that the fact that they're short two stewardesses and our tickets come with free uniforms is purely co-incidence.

"We got here 10 minutes before it was supposed to take off. It's really going to surprise everybody" ... Lyn ... might want to throttle up the surprise meter until your reach shock and anger.

"Very fast. Please. Please. / Okay, stop repeating it" ... Rob / Kim ... odd. You'd think she'd want to encourage politeness since this is the first please he's said without it being followed by "stop, Kim."

"I'll do it if I want to" ... Rob ... they're arguing about the right to be too polite to a cab driver. Why can't they fight about money like normal couples?

"For the sake of our team ... / For the sake of our team, stop telling me what to do" ... Kim / Rob ... could only imagine what would happen if he said "please, please" right now.

"We still have an alliance with the Cho brothers" ... Karlyn ... and by alliance we mean we're still in the same race together.

"But I don't think we're doing a lot of the things we were before like following each other and waiting on each other" ... Karlyn ... or put another way, the Chos aren't doing those things anymore because we stopped doing them about two legs ago.
Imagine the cleverness and intricacy behind developing their "Make dumb guys do stuff" strategy.
"I think the Barbies use their image to get ahead" ... Lyn ... gee, ya think? Imagine the cleverness and intricacy behind developing their "Make dumb guys do stuff" strategy.

"They generally come out of the airport with their boobs hanging out and their arms hanging out" ... Lyn ... yeah, those customs guys can be a little too thorough sometimes.

"Of course they are getting plenty of attention" ... Lyn ... odd how boobs hanging out will do that to the average cab driver. It's kind of like pre-tipping.

"It makes you upset because you have a disadvantage because of your looks" ... Karlyn ... it is unfair, but at least after the race is over, they'll be able to rejoin the real world where nobody gets advantages for being pretty.

"My mom. She's the most important person in my life" ... Tyler ... though the person who, if he's not careful, will navigate us into the Baltic Sea ranks a close second.

"Teams must travel to this school, Soppeenharjun Koulu" ... Phil ... where the final exam is simply trying to spell the school's name correctly.

"I'm telling you I knew / If you knew, we wouldn't have run a K that way man" ... Godwin / Erwin on getting lost ... I guess in a race, it isn't better to have known and be wrong than never to have known at all.

"I made a lot of sacrifices. I left my daughter. I left my family. We gotta win" ... Karlyn ... leaving the family behind to travel around the world. Hell, a lot of moms would label that sacrifice a dream vacation.

"Moisturizer is very important. It says I like my face and I care to keep it for a year or two" ... Tyler ... odd. I was planning on hanging on to mine for the rest of my life, but to each his own. I guess he might only be leasing his.

"I go to Tyler for nail clippers and the conditioner I forgot" ... Dustin ... does she see him as a competitor or just an extra overnight bag?

"We always end up side by side with Tyler" ... Kandice ... while James is vainly trying to navigate his way to a side.

"Please. Please. / Okay this time" ... Rob / lady waiting for a cab ... score one victory for the double please method, but the next time he finds himself stuck in a Helsinki cab queue, his goodwill is tapped.

"We need to be in line. / Forget the line. We need to jump" ... Lyn / Karlyn ... apparently their line jumping morality only has a problem with airports, not taxis, and when they are the jumped and not the jumpers.

"They're innocent bystanders but at the same time, we're in a race" ... Lyn ... and I'm sure once the angry mob hears that, all will be forgiven.

"We are stuck just for being polite. Being polite sucks sometimes" ... Godwin ... either a depressing view of life or a pretty catchy bumper sticker or fortune cookie.

"Teams must choose between two messy games played by Finland's winter athletes to stay in shape during the warmer months" ... Phil ... and sadly they're keeping their moms in shape with the third messy game of "Doing their laundry."

"The choice. Swamp this or swamp that" ... Phil ... or alternatively "what's this" or "screw that."

"The task requires skill and finesse" ... Phil ... so we'll just save time and scratch that option right off the clues now.

"but teams that can master the technique of cross-country skiing could slide ahead of the others" ... Phil ... much like writers who have mastered the technique of bad puns have slid ahead of the others in detour clue writing.

"Even strong teams could find themselves sucked into the wet ground and stuck in the mud" ... Phil ... except for Dustin and Kandice who will surely attempt to charm the mud into letting them pass.

"This is truly swampy" ... Lyn ... throw in a few alligators and you've got a Scandinavian Everglades.

"It's gonna look like I pooped my pants" ... Kandice on falling in the mud ... if it's any consolation, by the end of the detour it'll look like your pants exploded all over you instead.
There's a fine line between good sportsmanship and professional wrestling that I fear is about to be crossed.
"Don't jump on me dude" ... Rob to Godwin ... there's a fine line between good sportsmanship and professional wrestling that I fear is about to be crossed.

"We definitely got a good jump but I think we screwed up by changing clothes" ... Tyler ... possibly, unless looking good for cab drivers and ticket agents are key components of your race strategy.

"Lame pretty boys. / Exactly" ... Kandice / Dustin ... but damn, you can't deny that when they hit that train strain, they'll be dressed to impress.

"I didn't exactly think I was going to be able to carry you as easily as I did" ... Rob to Kim ... as Rob goes skipping into the fatal female realm of easily misunderstood statements. Why not seal the deal and tell her that she's never looked prettier than she does now?

"What? You think I'm fat" ... Kim ... a no-win scenario, Rob. Just mumble something about how gravity is stronger in Scandinavian countries and cross your fingers she buys it.

"I can just picture them running ... hold the train" ... Tyler on Rob and Kim ... with faint echoes of "Please, please" and "Stop telling me how to hold the train."

"That was the race breaker right there" ... Rob on the train leaving ... and implying that Kim was fat was the relationship breaker. A banner day for Rob indeed.

"We'll get on the next one / Just let me have my moment / Have it" ... Kim / Rob / Kim ... Rob seems to be the founder and star of the Method school for racing.

"The girls are right on our ass. / I think they are just following us" ... James / Tyler ... a brilliant deduction. You're just one leap short of guessing that maybe the girls are actually going to the same place you are, too.

"Let me make an announcement on the party train. Those are not our friends" ... Lyn on Rob and Kim ... let the party train make an announcement back ... who are you and could you please stop talking to us.

"Alabama is racing with a chip on their shoulder" ... Kim ... better than racing with a dip at your side, though.

"They judged us from the get go before they got a chance to know us" ... Rob ... and sadly they felt us unworthy of holding the title of six-pack member.

"It set the tone for the rapport between us and them" ... Rob ... wow, I've never heard "we don't like them, and they don't like us" put so eloquently before.

"It's okay that Alabama jumped ahead but our style would have been to wait for them" ... Erwin ...and if that's the case, you might want to check if your style includes a section for coming in last place gracefully.

"In this roadblock, one person must immerse themselves in the dark and claustrophobic world of the Finnish mining industry" ... Phil ... sounds like the opening to a blue collar Scandinavian Sopranos episode.

"This is like the roller coaster at Disney World" ... Dustin on the mine tram ... except without the hefty admission price and 2-hour line-up, and those guys with beards in mine aren't happy, whistling dwarves.

"Man, David would love this. / David spent all of his time down in a cave" ... Kandice / Dustin ... yeah, it'd be so much fun to travel around the world, visiting places that look like your workplace. I myself am itching to see what the white collar cubicles look like in Europe.
Is it a silly question or just a firm belief that the Finns are so safety conscious that even their helmets must have helmets?
"On top of this? No" ... Kandice on putting a helmet on her helmet ... is it a silly question or just a firm belief that the Finns are so safety conscious that even their helmets must have helmets?

"I wonder what they're doing down there. Probably makin' out, huh?" ... Dustin to Tyler ... luckily, James's bike doesn't have a back seat or this could take awhile.

‘It's hammer time" ... James ... wonder if James has some parachute shorts on to make the ‘80s moment complete.

"In this box is all the tools you'll need. So grab a pokey thing" ... Dustin ... no doubt it's somewhere between the doohickey and the poundy one.

"No babe. You don't drive into the mine" ... Kim ... as much as Finland has been trying to adopt Western culture, the idea of drive-thru limestone mines hasn't really caught on yet.

"I'm glad Rob's doing this one. Maybe we'll get ahead" ... Kim ... or a cave-in has its plusses, too.

"C'mon, Dave. Help us out here. Help the remaining six-pack" ... Godwin ... I'm not sure what Godwin expects but if a glowing Dave suddenly appears telling him to use the force, you know George Lucas is going to sue.

"I'm coming for ya" ... Rob to Karlyn and Godwin ... as suddenly the race for a million dollars evolves into a race to get away from the crazy guy chasing me in the mine.

"This is definitely the perfect example of an uphill battle" ... Karlyn on pushing the bike ... nice one. A few more like that and she's going to put the clue writers out of a job.

"Helsinki. I've seen this on the map" ... Karlyn ... yeah, it's that big one with the star inside the circle. You may even recall it as the quaint little place where your flight landed a few hours back.

"How long did we run around like idiots?" ... Tyler ... not sure. How long has the race been going on again?

"They don't turn right on a red in this country. C'mon, buddy. Take a right on a red. Just branch out" ... Kandice ... makes you wonder how many revolutions in history were initiated by rebellious people just stuck in traffic.

"I'd be freaked out to do this first." ... James on rappelling down a tower ... okay, but do you think having Tyler 200 feet below you on the ground is really going to break your fall that much?

"Thank God I've rock climbed before" ... Tyler ... hope they included a lesson about going down a sheer surface face first. Or at the very least, the benefits of having extra life insurance.

"Hey. We gotta lose Rob" ... Godwin ... good idea, but unless that's the batmobile you're driving, I'm guessing the oil slick and smokescreen options are out.

"This dude's tryin to be shady, dude" ... Rob ... kind of like people who use "dude" twice in the same sentence. Those dudes are pretty weird, dude.

"Stay off my ass, Rob. I will slam on my brakes" ... Godwin ... cool. Maybe the tow trucks can race each other to get to the next checkpoint.

"This leg is not over" ... Tyler ... the only things over are James's fear of heights and possibly him having clean underwear.

 

Observations

The poor teams have to fly all the way to Finland to get access to AOL. Couldn't they just stay put and wait for a CD to be mailed to them?
Would it be a more interesting roadblock if the AOL e-mail the racers got was an opportunity to help some banker smuggle millions of dollars out of Africa?
Would it be a more interesting roadblock if the AOL e-mail the racers got was an opportunity to help some banker smuggle millions of dollars out of Africa?

Given the competitive nature of the teams, why didn't one of them try to log into the computer using another team's code and just delete their e-mail?

Kudos to the Barbies, who have apparently upped their gameplay a bit by starting to use atlases when talking with airport ticket agents.

Is it odd that all teams raced eagerly to a coffee house but nobody got even a small decaf to go?

How well can the coffee shop be doing if the owner is forced to moonlight as a clue giver on the side?

Is it surprising that none of the e-mail moms nagged their kids about not writing or calling home more often?

It was good that Erwin took the time to learn to thank the cab driver in his own language. ‘Course learning "hurry up" and "I'll double the meter price" might have come in handy, too.

Finland's new motto ... your Nordic swampy playground.

Note to teams: while leaping off an obstacle to land waist deep in the mud pit is a lot of fun, gently lowering yourself down works okay, too.

Interesting little detour ... what with people running slowly, getting stuck, and needing help. ...add a couple of lifeguards to save the racers, and you've got Finland's answer to Baywatch.

Do Finnish miners uses bikes in the mine because they want to stay healthy or was the idea of mine carts and train track a little too American kitsch for them?

Were the teams so focused on getting the clue out of the rock that they didn't bother wondering just how someone got the clue in the rock in the first place?

Note to James: Can it honestly be called rappelling if the rope operators just essentially lower you to the ground?