The ATC Report

Mystery Science Amazing Race 3000

Steve & Dave present...
Mystery Science Amazing Race 3000

(also known as ‘In Control' - Vol. X, No. 8)
((by Steve & Dave))

Steve: Welcome to the column. Why not join us tonight as we watch Leg #8 of The Amazing Race 10?

Dave: Dude, I think they know why they are here. Besides which, Phil is about to tell us what happened last week!

D: Hey! Is that a National Geographic in her hand, or is she just glad to see Phil?

S: Maybe if they spent more time racing, and less time reading, they wouldn't be...MARKED FOR ELIMINATION!

D: And so we bid farewell to Mauritius, home of the naked pygmies...

S: Shhh! I can't hear that catchy theme song!

Both: dun-dun-dun...da-du-du-dun-dun-dun...da-da-du...

S: So, they've left Maury Povich, and are heading to Aunt Nanorico.

D: Madagascar? Isn't that the racing sport where they only make left turns?

D: Hey, is that line where they attach the new head?

S: I don't know why, but I have a taste for honeydew melon all of the sudden. Mmmmm...sweet, juicy melons...

D: Look! They just found the black angel that was recently painted white, and as I suspected it's next to the green tree that was recently painted red.

S: Look! Up on the's a Yield! No, it's a Detour! It's a Fake Instruction!

D: Not Yield nor Detour, nor even Fake Instruction. It's just little old me, Intersection.

S: We got dibs on the gay druggies!

D: We get Kentucky!

S: Aw, crap. I guess we have to take the bimbos then.

D: Mommy! Mommy! Can I have a nostril? And can you get a left ear for Billy?

S: And here's our special guest commentator, Sarah! Whoa! Watch out there...

Sarah: I'm OK!

D: Isn't that kind of uncomfortable sitting like that?

Sarah: No really, I like it.

S: [singing] She's got the whole bed, in her hands. She's got the whole wide bed, in her hands. She's got the whole bed, in her hands. She's got the whole bed in her hands...

D: So I thought we could finish the dance number something like this, and then we could all wave giant fortune cookies over our heads.

Sarah: I got a bite! Quick, help me set the hook!

S: Oh my gawd! Which one of you was it? Tyler? James? Rob? Someone just ripped one.

D: Hey, what's the big deal? It tastes just like chicken.

Sarah: Hey! I think I got a bite. Quick, someone help me set the hook! Jeez, I love that joke.

D: Hey, how about a big hand for Sarah? Thank heavens she's finally gone.

S: I get the feeling we probably ought to pay attention. I think this is an important part.

D: Our father, who art in heaven...

S: Man, you should see the view I'm getting. Got any more of that sweet, juicy, melon?

D: Oh look, they spelled "product" wrong. And look how they spelled "This Side Up".

S: Come on now, everyone push! Let's get the wall on this ‘Habitat House' up!

S: OK, now I smell it too. So was it you?

D: Oh, you little bitch! I could just spank your cute little behind!

D: Welcome to Chiller Monster Horror Race...In 3D! Here, look at this Route Info clue.

S: Oh Mr. Van Munster...I'm ready for my close-up now.

D: [singing] I'm a little teapot, short and is my handle, here is my spout.

S: See? No more rabbit! For my next trick, I'd like to have a volunteer from the audience.

S: Hey wait...isn't this just a rerun from last week? These two won then as well.

D: OK, adjust yours a little bit down, and I'll turn mine a little to the right...

S: Let's welcome our next guest commentator, from season 4, Reichen Lemkuhl!

Reichen: It is just Reichen. I no longer use my slave-name "Lemkuhl".

D: Whatever, Just Reichen.

R: Danger! Danger Will Robinson! These two are gay. Oops, now I have ‘Lanced' them.

R: You can read about being gay in the military in my new book, "Here's What We'll Say: Growing Up, Coming Out, and the US Air Force".

D: Dude, can't you shut him up?

R: I am writing a new book. I am calling it, "Getting Lanced While Lancing Lance". It is about my new boyfriend Lance Bass, as well as about being gay and unaccepted in the United States, and also...

S: I thought you and Chip were "married".

R: Homophobe. Danger! Danger! Do not unplug tha....

D: That fixed him.

S: Nicely done - thanks.

D: Have we insulted these two during the race?

S: Probably. I wouldn't worry about it though. Until the race they've never left home.

D: Cool. So we don't have to worry about them meeting us in Vegas?

S: No. We're golden there...oh crap!

D: What?

S: Rosie just gave them a house. And a car. And two vacations.

D: Well that just sucks. What did we get again?

S: Bupkus. Not even a trip to New York for the Early ÏShow.