Amazing Race Rants

Amazing Race Rant – Episode 8

"This is the island nation of Mauritius, off the eastern coast of Africa" ... Phil ... which apparently is only accessible from the outside world by air flights connecting through England.

"Formed eons ago by volcanic eruptions in the Indian Ocean, the island is known for its tropical beauty" ... Phil ... and holding the record for being the most mispronounced country in the world.

"Will Dustin and Kandice continue to push away the other teams and continue to work on their own?" ... Phil ... you'd think that pushing their car away from local busses would probably be a higher concern.

"And can the six-pack help their last place alliance members, David and Mary?" ... Phil  ... well, they did a pretty good job of helping them get into last place this leg. Maybe they're helping too much.

"Does it say anything about having to use the same car?" ... Dustin on the clue ... nah, the producers kind of left that up to good sportsmanship and fair play. The fools.
It's a long drive to the airport and that car is good for another one maybe two bus collisions, tops.
"Yeah, we don't want to take that car" ... Kandice ... smart move. It's a long drive to the airport and that car is good for another one maybe two bus collisions, tops.

"So I wonder who's going to get it. / They're not going to be happy with us" ... Kandice / Dustin on the dented car ... no worries. It's not like there is a major Dustin and Kandice love-fest going on anyway.

"We're not really in it to have friends right now" ... Kandice ... mission accomplished.

"We know that we've probably turned people off" ... Kandice ... turned them off from taking the bus at the very least.

"That's what you get for checking in last at the pit stop" ... Dustin on leaving the dented car ... must have missed the part where Phil said  "You might get a 30 minute time penalty for being in last, but you'll definitely get the crappy car."

"You know there are times when James is more passive in our relationship and our team" ... Tyler ... only when it comes to giving correct directions. He's pretty aggressive and confident on giving the wrong directions.

"I feel I need to step up and take the dominant role on our team" ... Tyler ... it's time to give someone else an opportunity to get the team lost.

"I've been disappointed so far that I haven't been giving enough in our team effort" ... James ... but on the plus side, if it weren't for you, the team wouldn't have had a lovely tour of the back roads of Mauritius.

"Wait, that's not the car I want. That's the one that got ruined. / I mean, who cares?" ... Kim / Rob on the dented car ... well, the short list would include tow trucks, mechanics, insurance companies, and the police ... so maybe it's worth caring a smidge.

"We're still learning. We're still trying to communicate without arguing" ... Kim ... the earplugs have been helping a great deal with that.

"We weren't looking to make an alliance. It's more the six-pack forced us to make an alliance" ... James ... peer pressure can be a powerful thing, but whoever heard of models adopting the ways of coalminers and single moms?

"If there was a choice between being first and one of the six-pack being eliminated, we would give up first in a heartbeat" ... Godwin ... and if you're not on your game today, you might get a chance to see both happen.

"I only know about the cartoon Madagascar and all the cartoon animals there" ... Mary ... not sure which will be the bigger shocker ... the lack of talking animals or the fact that the island isn't completely animated.

"Team Alabama is independently minded" ... Godwin ... might be time to sit down as a group, open a dictionary, and look up "alliance." I'm not sure everyone's on the same page here.

"Hopefully we'll catch up with them at the airport" ... Karlyn on the six-pack ... but it'll be even better if they catch up with us ... or not.

"This is not the car we originally had"... Karlyn ... good eyes. I wonder if it was the massive dent or the fact that all the mirrors and seats were out of whack that gave it away.

"We just assume they took our car because they couldn't drive the car that they wrecked" ... Karlyn on Dustin and Kandice ... "couldn't" is such a strong accusation. How about "didn't want to" instead?
Be nice, Dave. If you are, the stewardess might take you up to the cockpit to get your junior pilot's wings.
"I ain't never sat at the window yet. It's my turn. / Whatever, yeah" ... David / Mary ... be nice, Dave. If you are, the stewardess might take you up to the cockpit to get your junior pilot's wings.

"We're looking for the black angel. / Which is me so I don't know what we're looking for. I'm right here" ... Lyn / Karlyn ... it's a long shot, but you might want to check your backpacks for the next clue, just in case. If it mentions white devil, track down Dustin and Kandice.

"They keep hanging around somehow. Today's the knockout punch I think" ... Tyler on Dave and Mary ... possibly, but it's not wise to count out Dave and Mary, the Rocky Balboa of the racing world.

"Breathing in exhaust is really bad for you, right?" ... Kim ... yes, but only until the hallucinations and the really peaceful sleep kicks in.

"So how do these people like ... / Babe, they die a lot younger than we do" ... Kim / Rob ... living to hear Rob spout off health statistics, they probably feel they didn't died young enough.

"Most of them don't get enough protein so their brains don't develop as much" ... Rob ... re-enforced by the fact that Rob has been on an all-carb diet for most of his life.

"Brain needs protein" ... Rob ... brain needs learning, too.

"We'll beat them at their own game" ... Dustin on being passed ... as she orders the driver to prepare for ramming speed.

"That's it. That's the Dark Angel" ... Tyler ... half expecting to see either Satan or Jessica Alba holding the next clue.

"Are you sure it's a yield? / Look it's got a yield sign. / No, that's not a yield" ... Tyler / James / Tyler ... makes you wonder how these guys have avoided an accident so far. Must have a "Green means Go. Red means Stop" note posted somewhere.

"We immediately merged with Rob and Kimberly. There was no question in our minds who we were going to merge with" ... Tyler ... probably would have been a bigger ego boost to Rob and Kim if there was at least one other team there for them to choose from.

"If no other team is here, you must wait for one. Are we the last team?" ... Kandice ... hmmm, six teams need to pair up in twos. Either Kandice's math skills need a brush up or team #5 would rather just give up the race than pair up with them.

"This could be the end for us. / It shows you who your true friends are doesn't it" ... Kandice / Dustin ... does a pretty good job at showing you who your enemies are too. It's a slightly longer list.

"Do you wanna ask? / No they're not gonna. Don't even bother" ... Kandice / Dustin on pairing with Lyn and Karlyn ... be optimistic. Maybe all the laughter caused by the suggestion will allow the teams to bond in a new way.

"Teams must choose between two tasks rooted in Madagascar's rustic way of life" ... Phil ... breeding talking lemurs or painting black statues white.

"You are Asian. We could make paper" ... Kandice to the Cho brothers ... or how about I just give you a fortune cookie and a Karate chop and we'll call it a day?

"Girls ... I need a fast forward" ... Mary ... having already had one earlier in the race, Mary has developed an unhealthy appetite for them.

"You know you couldn't have better teammates right now" ... Dustin to the Cho brothers ... yeah, it's sad when the talent pool dries up that much.
As pick-up lines go, that one's not half bad, but he should at least offer to make breakfast or something.
"If you make it up in the mattresses, all will be forgotten" ... Godwin ... as pick-up lines go, that one's not half bad, but he should at least offer to make breakfast or something.

"And since you guys are the ring leaders of that team, they're going to miss you" ... Dustin ... and given the present company, I'm sure the feeling is mutual, too.

"C'mon, like a little girl pantyhose" ... Mary to Dave on putting the mattress cover on ... interesting comparison. Guess the training to become a coal miner is a lot more diverse than I would have imagined.

"Dude, did you even read what the options are on the Detour or not?" ... Tyler to James ... sorry can't talk now. Got a mouth full of cow lips. When I'm done throwing up, we'll chat more.

"We're here. We're committed, bro. / Eye on the prize, yeah" ... Rob / James ... beats having your eyes on a plate of cow lips, I guess.

"Working with the blondes was efficient but it was tough working against our friends" ... Godwin ... maybe you can share some time together after the race, helping each other move furniture or something.

"Everybody. Keep your vision on all four of us. /   Do not look at anything around you" ... Tyler / Rob ... but if you have to, maintain an occasional glance at your feet to avoid any puke puddles moving towards you.

"It's inside out. / It doesn't matter. Tell me it matters that it's inside out" ... Dave / Mary ... for the race, not so much. But does anyone think of the poor customer anymore? It's bound to generate a call to the Madagascar Better Business Bureau.

"We get stressed, we argue. We've never had to be together for 24 hours every day" ... Mary ... makes those future long family vacations sound all the more thrilling, huh?

"Pull it down, not up, so you can pull it with gravity" ... Karlyn ... and to those who thought Science class had no practical purpose, I say touché.

"Nord ... Ooost?" ... Godwin on reading the address ... I believe that's French for "better find a guide."

"Ah, ladies that's your job. Get one of these locals to help you" ... Godwin ... at least he showed some restraint and left the hand clapping and finger snapping out of the command.

"If you are blonde haired and blue eyed, it's more likely that people are going to come up and help you" ... Godwin ... careful. That's what the Nazis thought and see what happened to them.

"It's just the comments they were making today. You guys go and find someone to help us because we know you can do it quicker" ... Kandice ... for the teams, it might be a sexist issue. For the locals however, it really boils down to which of these groups of strangers is less likely to be mugging me.

"They just think we're getting lucky because we're smiling at the right people" ... Kandice ... well, if you define the right people as gullible, awestruck males, it's probably a lot more than luck at work here.

"We're not saying that they're wrong" ... Kandice ... but we still reserve the right to be offended nonetheless

"Hey it's a good thing that I worked for a moving company" ... Godwin on moving mattresses ... it'll work well until he has to take his mandatory 15 minute break. Don't want to get into any union problems.

"The one thing I can't move is beds" ... Godwin ... cool ... then your experience is adding absolutely nothing to the task. Maybe you could call up your old co-workers ... the ones that do move beds.

"So here we go with eight mattresses bound by two fanny packs. We almost look like the Macy's Day parade" ... Lyn ... no doubt winning the ribbon for crappiest balloon float.

"He can't swim, but he can eat cow lips" ... Rob on James ... so as a lifeguard, he would suck, but he would kick ass on Fear Factor

"We don't have to eat it super fast" ... Tyler on cow lips ... there's merit to the philosophy of taking time to smell the roses. Not sure it works as well with savouring the cow lips, though.

"It's a hard job but the kids make it fun" ... Mary on mattress carrying ... now if only the kids would stop jumping on the dang mattresses, we'd get there a lot quicker.

"No, no. You push me" ... Mary to the kids ... as Mary attempts to form her own Madagascarian conga line

"We've always really respected the Cho brothers" ... Dustin ... it's a shame we'll have to screw them over eventually.
God help them now. Maybe Rob will luck out and find that cow lips are filled with protein for his brain.
"It's all mental. It's all upstairs" ... Rob on eating cow lips ... God help them now. Maybe Rob will luck out and find that cow lips are filled with protein for his brain.

"I can't have you talk. When you do that, it makes me more anxious" ... Kim to Rob ... both now and also in general. I'm sure nauseous is a close runner up, too.

"This race is good for Kim and I because it's a good gauge on when to push your partner and when to ease up" ... Rob ... of course, while eating cow lips, the frequency and amount of throwing up is a pretty damn good gauge, too.

"Sometimes you need a little kick in the butt" ... Rob ... followed by a rebuttal smash to the jaw.

"and sometimes you need to ease off and let them experience what they're going through" ... Rob ... and maybe vomiting is one those experiences best left unshared.

"Every step forward for us, they're a step behind" ... Erwin on the six-pack ... funny how races work out that way sometimes.

"Dave. Come help Mary. Come help Mary. Don't just stand right there" ... Karlyn ... if the nagging keeps up, Dave will be dreaming that the next Roadblock involves a bar of some sort.

"Guys, this is definitely a bonding experience, I tell ya" ... Rob on cow lips ... right until their subconscious minds manage to blot out any memories of this.

"Teams must search for the tool most commonly used by the government of Madagascar" ... Phil ... with the arrival of the racers, it's probably a deportation order.

"That team member will search among dozens of rubber stamp vendors" ...Phil ... while trying not to be dumbfounded as to why there are dozens of rubber stamp vendors.

"I guess I'm good at something on this damn race" ... James on eating cow lips ... sure, but wouldn't being able to navigate ... say to the nearest hospital ... be practical, too?

"No team is going to finish a detour and a roadblock ahead of us" ... Tyler ... Tyler obviously preferring to fill his mouth not only with cow lips but some foot and irony as well.

"Right now, they're probably plowing some field" ... Tyler on the other teams ... well, they did have some time to kill at the pit stop, so why not get a little workout?

"We're golden. We're so golden" ... Tyler ... probably assumes that due to the rainbow of colours that are dominating the ground around the stall.

"Dude, is my chick awesome or what? / She's a machine" ... Rob / Tyler ... would that be an eating or regurgitating machine? Or is she a multi-tasker?

"It's really exciting. It's totally given us a stamp of validation" ... Kandice on coming in first ... and by a strange co-incidence, there's a merchant down the block that can sell you of those stamps, too.

"I'm not going to become a devil just for the money. It's not worth it to me" ... Mary ... willing to go as far as minor demon and that's it.
Yup. Are you sane? We're still working on that one.
"Am I safe?" ... Erwin on sliding into the mat ... yup. Are you sane? We're still working on that one.

"Geez. If you didn't have gas, you should have told me" ... Karlyn to cab driver ... and explain to me again how I would be making money off you if I did that?

"It's the hardest thing in the world anybody could ever do is this race" ... Mary ... I'm sure Tyler, James, Rob, and Kim are joining the choir on that one.

"I appreciate the spirit in them" ... Karlyn on Dave and Mary ... and thankful that their spirit wasn't any faster.

"I don't want my kids to be like me. I want them to be able to experience life" ... Mary ... careful, Mom. That's sounds like a blueprint for a later bedtime and raise in allowance at minimum.

"It's a whole new book. It's not a new chapter in the same old book" ... Mary on her life ... and hopefully this book will have a lot more pictures in it than just the coal mines of Kentucky.

 

Observations

Between its sugar plantation and salt pits, Mauritius doesn't make the food you eat ... it makes the food you eat better.

Does the government have a bit too much money to through around, if the idea that "maybe we should paint that big black angel statue white" actually makes good sense?

Are cow lips are a delicacy simple because the locals haven't discovered how good prime rib tastes?

It must have been depressing for the Cho brothers that they seemed to be the last ones picked at the Intersection. But then again, being picked by beauty queen is a pretty good compromise.

I realized being cultured and well-mannered is important, but is it really necessary to eat cow lips with a knife and fork?

Short of the lady from "The Princess and the Pea," who needs eight mattresses delivered to their house all at once?

Does it take longer to say Totohotohobato Ambondrona Analakeley or climb the stairs there?

Not sure if the cow lips stall is going to see a lot of extra business today, after apparently adopting a vomiting tourist mascot to advertise the house special.

After the cow lips experience, will Kim ever be able to look at a Rolling Stones T-shirt without throwing up again?

Should Madagascar cabs put a sign in their cars stating that "Drivers do not carry more than 1/8th of a tank of gas at anytime"?

Wonder if the teams will get to go back to Madagascar in the fall. That's when the designers show off their latest 2007 rubber stamp collections. It can get a little risqué.