Amazing Race Rants

Amazing Race Rant - Episode 7

"This is Kuwait. A Middle Eastern country bordered by Saudi Arabia and Iraq" ... Phil ... nice of Phil to give us a little geography reminder lesson just in case you forgot that whole Desert Storm business a while back.

"Will the alliance of Erwin & Godwin, Lyn & Karlyn, and David & Mary remain intact?" ... Phil ... or like the fate of other six-packs, will one or two beer separate them from the rest.

"Or will the competitive nature of the game force teams apart?" ... Phil ... well, unless Phil has started making finish line mats that hold six, it's a fair bet that they will.

"In a heartbeat, I would sacrifice this race for the friends we've made" ... Mary ... and the Alabama gals would certainly welcome your sacrifice.

"Back pack just sounds so negative, so losers" ... Mary ... whereas six-pack is just brimming with culture and sophistication.

"We're not losers. We're the six-pack" ... Mary ... and as super-hero statements go, this one isn't filling me with a real sense of security and awe.

"It's really dog eat dog" ... Dustin ... a statement on the competitive nature of the race, or just the beauty queens getting a little catty on the genetic makeup of the other teams.

"Each team is really out there for themselves" ... Dustin ... probably has something to do with why there were 12 teams of 2 rather than one big team of 24.
Might be a good idea to get your bearings, Rob. Last person I remember being lost in the desert spent about 40 years wandering around.
"You know where you're going, right? / I'm not sure, babe" ... Kim / Rob ... might be a good idea to get your bearings, Rob. Last person I remember being lost in the desert spent about 40 years wandering around.

"If I'm assertive about it, he does trust me and he will take my word for it" ... Kim ... or he realizes that he better agree and shut the hell up or it's not going to get pretty after that. Trust through fear ... it works.

"She's thinking survival mode. It's awesome seeing her put in this situation and she's thriving" ... Rob ... it's certainly good training for life with Rob after the race. That's survival mixed with anger and desperation to boot.

"Where does it connect through? / London / Ask him what country that's in" ... Dustin / Agent / Kandice ... and ask him a second time once he stops laughing.

"What country is that? / England / India?" ... Dustin / Agent / Kandice ... not sure if this is ignorance, bad hearing, or a bizarre plot to convince people that England doesn't really exist.

"That's weird. That's far. / I don't think this guy understands what we're saying" ... Dustin / Kandice on connecting through England ... I think he does ... it's just he has no idea why you are saying it. Well that ... and a slight mixture of confusion and shock.

"I don't want to deal with Kentucky or Alabama. If they want to segregate themselves, fine" ... Rob ... and in a bold move, Rob's country is cut down to 48 states.

"I tell them don't put yourself out for me, because I'm not going to do the same for you" ... Lyn ... kind of flies in the face of the whole alliance thing. Maybe they just promised not to trip each other in the airport.

"These guys are not the brightest bulbs" ... Kandice on the ticket agents ... yeah, they probably believe in mythical lands like Atlantis, Narnia, and England.

"I think the six-pack alliance is built on a house of cards" ... Tyler ... relying on the frat house physics law stating that no house of cards will hold up a six-pack for long.

"It's not really in our best interest to help Tyler and James" ... Kandice ... and here's where common sense gets chucked for the inevitable "but".

"If you think its right for them to push in front of us, then you need to do what you got to do" ... Lyn to agent ... lady, after midnight I've given up any thoughts of what is right and wrong unless it interferes with my break.

"If you can live with that on your conscience" ... Lyn to agent ... as we cut to a shot of the agent lying in bed sound asleep with a big smile on his face.

"I'll say what the hell I want to say. / Say something smart then" ... Lyn / James ... actually, to hear something smart from either of them would be a falling-off-the-chair event.

"How are we supposed to find our cars?" ... Tyler ... one strategy would be to wait till everyone in the airport leaves for home but maybe that's a little more long-term than you were looking for.

"Teams must now figure out that the model boat they have found inside their cars is a real schooner" ... Phil ... a real schooner? Who's working the boat ... the Smurfs?

"Maybe we shouldn't have been the first ones to take off. We could have followed everybody" ... Tyler ... a great plan. They should call it the "anywhere but first place" strategy.
Sure, why pay attention to the guy who lives there when you can follow the blondes who have just arrived.
"Did you understand what he was saying? / No ... no idea. / Just follow the blondes" ... Kim / Rob / Kim ... sure, why pay attention to the guy who lives there when you can follow the blondes who have just arrived. Wonder how far they'll drive into the Indian Ocean before they decide to turn around.

"I'm kind of scared because I'm afraid of fish" ... Mary ... she'll need to wear a life vest equipped with natural fish repellant, then ... olive oil, butter, garlic, and a little bit of lemon.

"I was thrown out in the lake when I was about 5 by my cousin. I've always been a bit traumatized" ... Dave ... and now you'll get to add a new chapter to the trauma book, and have it filmed to boot. Shrinks everywhere are sharpening pencils over this one.

"Where we live, people do that" ... Mary on lake tossing ... a quaint tradition, but wouldn't it be just as easy to open a YMCA or something?

"It's like a rite of passage. You throw your kids out in the lake and make them swim" ... Mary ... a nice combination of building character and thinning the herd in one move.

"I just really wish we had a way to tell Mary and the Chos that we left. / Why?" ... Karlyn / Lyn ... I guess waving to them from the finish line wasn't what you had in mind. Or maybe it was.

"I wonder how much the blondes are willing to help" ... Kim ... you mean how devoted are they to having the Rob and Kim team win ... I wouldn't count on their vote too much.

"Take these vests and wear these shoes because the rocks are quite sharp" ... Attendant ... apparently at this beach, BYOB means to Bring Your Own Band-aids.

"And whenever you feel like it, you may leave" ... Captain to Dave & Mary ... talk about a giving a hint to move on. If this guy was any more subtle, he'd pull out a sword and roll out the plank for them.

"This is not fun. / It ain't supposed to be fun" ... Mary / Dave on swimming ... refreshing, good exercise, and TV filler maybe. But fun? ... nah.

"Bama and Kentucky didn't look too strong back there" ... Dustin on six-pack swimming ... the only thing that looked strong in the water was the currents.

"Where's your six-pack now?" ... Kandice ... best guess has them as individual cans floating on their way to Madagascar.

"There it is. It's in the water" ... Tyler on the boat ... guess they can stop looking in the trees and on the rooftops now.

"The Cho brothers are aligning with the weaker teams so they can take the stronger teams out and bring the weaker teams to the final three" ... James ... but if they beat you, doesn't that make you the weaker team? I'm just saying.

"We're just waiting for team Alabama and Kentucky to join us" ... Erwin ... might want to start up a campfire because this could take awhile. Worse case, at least it'll act as a signal fire to guide them to shore once it gets dark.

"A bitter and cynical person might think that we're keeping them around because they're weaker than the other teams" ... Godwin on the six-pack ... but really that's just a bonus for us.

"But if we stick together, we can be stronger than those who tend to fend for themselves only" ... Godwin ... or at least all get hopelessly lost together.

"We can stare at these people. They are useless" ... Dustin on Rob & Kim ... not at everything. Surely their arguing has to be good for some entertainment value. Plus there's the inevitable implosion of Rob's rage to look forward to.

"How do we lose them when somebody's behind you. What do you do?" ... Dustin ... at least they have their priorities straight. Why focus on where you are going when the more important task of shaking a tail is there. Cue the TV police show music and we're good to go.

"We didn't really go the wrong way, we just missed our turn" ... James ... and you aren't really in last place, you just have all the other teams ahead of you.

"Sometimes Tyler gets a little snicketty that I can't do my job navigating" ... James ... funny how getting lost during a race will cause some people to be a tad cranky.

"He's only doing it because he wants me to do the best job possible" ... James ... and apparently it's not working too well so far.
James obviously feeling that there weren't enough official detours on the race, that he needed to throw in a few of his own.
"We had a little bit of a detour there" ... James ... James obviously feeling that there weren't enough official detours on the race, that he needed to throw in a few of his own.

"I wish this car would just get a gear" ... Rob ... and the car wishes that it would just get a driver.

"You're revving me up" ... Rob to Kim ... now if he could only transfer that to the car, they'd be in business again.

"It always feels good to be in front" ... Kandice ... she ironically says from the back seat of the car.

"I hope they do this quickly" ... Dustin on the police investigation of the accident ... no problem. They can skip the whole arrest and trial part, and just go straight to the jail section.

"Do I have to sign something?" ... Dustin on the accident ... most people would, but in your case just making your mark will do.

"That's the first accident I've ever had in my life. I'm a little rattled" ... Dustin ... no worries. Everyone gets a little shaken up after their first accident with a Mauritian bus. The next ones are always easier.

"I'm not sympathetic to their plight right now" ... Lyn ... or now that I think about it, I'm generally not sympathetic to them at any time.

"We can still come in first you know" ... James ... provided all the teams smash into Mauritian buses, of course

"In this detour, teams must choose from something from this island's present day economy" ... Phil ... bus collision repair?

"Or something related to its old time link to pirates" ... Phil ... please be walking the plank. Please be walking the plank.

"In sea, you have a skipper to help you sail though" ... Dustin ... or if he's not there, I'm sure Gilligan or the Professor can help you out. Ginger might be a bit too chatty with you two, so steer clear of her.

"I'm just afraid of searching in salt piles" ... Kandice ... she being on a strict low sodium diet apparently.

"We choose salt. The other sounded much more complex" ... Tyler ... yeah, definitely stay away from the complicated challenges and stick with the simpler "needle in a haystack" ones.

"Kimberly, stop. / No. I can do that if I want. I can be stressed out if I want" ... Rob / Kim ... and if you don't believe me, just sit back and enjoy the next few minutes of suppressed stress busting out.

"You're missing words" ... Rob on Kim reading the clue ... ah, that'll calm her down. By my calculation, he's probably due to lose one tooth for each word she missed.

"What are you doing? / I just fell" ... Kim / Rob ... and he can do that if he wants. You are not the boss of him.

"I think it's stupid to quit right in the middle of something. I'm not a quitter" ... Dave ... good for you, Dave. It's not every man who can turn digging through a salt pile into an issue of pride and character.

"All we can do is just pray" ... Lyn on Dave & Mary ... now just what exactly they are praying for is up for debate.

"We're going to be the stupid couple that stays out here all night long" ... Mary ... nah ... I'm sure there will be some daylight left when Phil comes and gets you after all the other teams have finished.

"I feel like Indiana Jones right now" ... Dustin on climbing from the trap ... course Raiders of the Lost Tiara doesn't quite have the same ring to it.

"There's not a friendly bone in her" ... Kandice on Lyn ... even her funny bone is scowling at Dustin & Kandice

"She needs to take her happy pills in the morning" ... Kandice ... and if not that, maybe pills that dull the urge to beat the crap out of them might be a good choice too.

"I feel like Hansel and Gretel" ... Lyn walking through the woods ... unlike the other teams, Lyn & Karlyn have wisely included a loaf of bread on the list of backpack necessities.

"We're not going to say things about the car in a negative way" ... Kandice ... doubtful that the car is doing the same about your driving. It's gone from Herbie to Christine in one afternoon.

"We're going to encourage it all the way there" ... Kandice ... just don't encourage it to drive through any more solid objects.

"It's good for driving around town. It's good on the highway" ... Phil on the scooter prize ... yeah, a great prize for highway driving if your idea of fun is to fly like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz every time a transport passes you.

"You can carry a passenger so you guys can take a date out" ... Phil ... or if Ken and Barbie are free, you could double date.
Phil really should check the parking lot out before answering. Scooter + Bus - Seatbelt = New host next season.
"Can I take you Phil?" ... Dustin ... Phil really should check the parking lot out before answering. Scooter + Bus - Seatbelt = New host next season.

"James and Tyler, you're team #2. / Back on top" ... Phil / James ... yes back on top, except when it comes to rudimentary math skills.

"When I get parked, I'm gonna wait on the Bama girls" ... Mary ... they'll be the ones driving right by you.

"They might wait for us to go the pit stop but I wouldn't expect them to. I wouldn't wait for them" ... Lyn ... and you'll get the chance to tell them that as you go running past them.

"The Bamas, the Chos, they're good people. I have no doubt in my mind that we have an alliance to go to the final three" ... Mary ... it's important to have big goals, but maybe focusing on an alliance to be in the final five is best for now, okay?

 

Observations

Not sure which invasion the Kuwaiti people regret more ... Iraq's or Reality TV's.

If only two of six teams can pronounce the country name correctly, maybe the Mauritian tourism council still has some work to do.

Kudos goes to the brave ticket agents for understanding several different pronunciations of the same country name.

Listening to James and Lyn argue, was the ticket agent's reaction a model of patience or a concentrated effort to forget all English that he ever learned?

Never knew that James was bilingual. He is skilled at both English and hand talking.
Which do you supposed took longer ... the argument in the airport or the actual flight itself? I think it was a tie.
Which do you supposed took longer ... the argument in the airport or the actual flight itself? I think it was a tie.

Note to Tyler and James: Getting in the wrong side of the car is funny. Just don't extrapolate that to going on the wrong side of road. Of course, in James's view they are not driving on the wrong side of the road ... everyone else is.

To collect the clue at the post office, was it surprising that they didn't have to sign for it? Hell, they didn't even have to line up or show ID. And you call this a post office?

After giving up on putting the car in gear, did Rob just need to cool off or was it the realization that it's a pretty long swim back to America?

And in a related news item, since the teams' arrival in Mauritius, accident related whiplash cases amongst the locals have gone up 500%.

Aren't the owners of the salt piles going to be a little annoyed that the teams are pouring pepper all over the place?

The salt pile challenge was tough but do you wonder which of the workers drew the short straw and has to go and find all the salt shakers still hidden in the piles?

Is watching Rob and Kim argue kind of like watching a mobile version of the Jerry Springer show?

Not sure what the purpose of the trap was, but you can imagine one of the producers swearing that they didn't dig the pit deep enough to hold 'em.