The ATC Report

"In Control" - Vol. X, No. 5

We've said it before, but it certainly bears repeating here. If you are someday selected to be a contestant on The Amazing Race, never, ever, ever say something boneheaded like, "We're so far in front we can't possibly lose." Also avoid things like, "Don't bother following them, they have no idea where they're going." And definitely never say, "We know we can't be in last because teams X, Y, and Z are still behind us." Once those words leave your mouth, you know what will show up on screen next?

Or worse still, perhaps you will see this:

Depending on the severity and timing of your stupid comment, you could possibly even see this:

Perhaps the reason we still hear so many dumb comments from racers during the race (see: "Is that a homeless cow?" from the most recent episode) is because Steve and Dave have only told you what you shouldn't say if you get picked to be racers.

You see, we have always assumed that the average TARflies reader/poster was a little bit brighter that the average population. (Well, except for Mailman Jamie. We don't know how he slipped through the extensive TARflies screening process.) Still, no regular TARflies poster has yet managed to secure one of the 11 or 12 spots on any of the 10 seasons of The Amazing Race. Perhaps the problem is somewhere deeper in the system - instead of telling you what not to say if you got picked to be on the race, we should have told you what not to say during the actual interviews that lead to racer selection. We've schooled you well enough on what to say during the race, but we've been pretty lax in schooling you on how to actually get on the race.

That's a problem we intend to fix right now. Here is Steve & Dave's Top 10 things that you should NEVER say during an interview for The Amazing Race:

10) "Van Munster - what kind of a name is that? Were you named after a cheese?"

9) "You're not our first pick, but Dancing With the Stars, American Idol, Wife Swap, and Lingo weren't interested in us."

8) "Listen, I know you want to talk to us about why we should be on the race, but before we get started I'd like you to look over this idea I have for a new show. You could go from city to city and follow the firemen around as they do their jobs. Maybe even ride in the truck with them as they go out on call. I'd call it ‘Blazers' or ‘Smoke Eaters' or something. So what do you think?"

7) "Ooops, sorry, that was me."

6) "Don't believe what you read in the tabloids - I'm the one who is currently dating Reichen. We're getting married as soon as his ‘divorce' comes through."

5) "Hey, that's a pretty nice tie you're sporting there, Bert. Is it a clip-on?"

4) "This show isn't very physical is it? My doctor said I shouldn't exert myself."

3) "Ooops, me again. Bean soup for lunch."

2) "Hey Bert, Elise didn't really think of the idea for the show, did she? You're just throwing her a bone because she's smokin' hot, right?"

And finally, the Number 1 thing that you should NEVER say when interviewing for The Amazing Race:

"So, when do we get to meet Jeff Probst?"

Finally, Steve and Dave really like the new "Marked for Elimination" penalty implemented for finishing last in a non-elimination leg. Scenes of forced begging have made for bad TV, and losing the backpacks hasn't worked real well either. This new twist promises to be interesting - unless the producers put one of the Fast Forwards on the next leg, in which case the "Marked for Elimination" is just another waste of time. We wonder if Dave and Mary have to wear "MFE" beanies on the next leg....