Amazing Race Rants

Amazing Race Rant - Episode 5

"And in the middle of the bay, Soi Sim. This jagged limestone island jutting out of the sea was the fourth pit stop" ... Phil ... a jagged island jutting out of the sea? Either Phil's reading from a travel brochure or the writers are aching to start the great American novel.

"Due to restrictions, tickets cannot be purchased at the airport, so it's best to get them at a travel agency" ... Phil ... though if you're stuck for time, you could always try those plane ticket scalpers that hang out around the airport. I got Chennai here ... third row, aisle seat, matinee flight. Who's buying?

"Running this race is a metaphor for a life together" ... Rob ... and any metaphor that involves eating fish eyes makes for a pretty interesting life.

"We understand that we share a common goal, so in order to accomplish that goal, Kim and I need to chill out" ... Rob ... and by chill, he means Kim needs to learn to react more positively when being yelled at.

"My feelings for Peter have changed on this trip. I don't hold him on this pedestal anymore" ... Sarah ... probably a smart move. He'd start complaining that he can't stand up there and want to quit, or just keep yelling for her to c'mon and climb up.
"It's definitely been a different feeling" ... Sarah on Peter ... it's gone from love and admiration to motive and intent.
"It's definitely been a different feeling" ... Sarah on Peter ... it's gone from love and admiration to motive and intent.

"I think one of the hardest things about the race is being powerless over a lot of the situations" ... James ... seeing how rope-climbing up a cliff or the Great Wall of China was such a cakewalk.

"I think that's what gives us an edge on other teams" ... James being used to feeling powerless due to drug use ... interesting point. With this revelation, the "Just Say No" campaign will need to start making exceptions for potential future reality show candidates.

"Your train was whacked, bro" ... Tyler on James's drawing ... there's a 50/50 chance they're either on their way to the train station or some remedial art school

"We always said the first thing we wanted to do was enjoy the adventure" ... Erwin ... nice philosophy but maybe that should come a strong second behind "Not finishing in last place."

"If it was for the money, we'd be lying, cheating, stealing" ... Erwin on racing ... don't worry. There's still plenty of race to take care of all that.

"With a million dollars, I can take them (the kids) to Disneyland" ... Dave ... hell, for a million dollars, you could probably fly the seven dwarves back to Kentucky to cover your shifts for you, too.

"We definitely need a bit of alone time ‘cause I'm sick of looking at her" ... Karlyn on Lyn ... it's a pain but I'm not sure if the race is ready to take a page from the swingers lifestyle, and start arranging partner swaps.

"We cannot let people get in front of us because we're not aggressive enough" ... Kandice ... apparently the butting in line strategy has been upgraded to include foot stomping and knee smashing as well.

"We have to pull out all of our cards this next leg" ... Kandice ... hopefully that won't leave them a few short of a full deck ... or is it too late for that?

"We just saw guys shooting dope. Drug addicts along the side of the train tracks" ... Tyler ... glad to see this didn't become an unscheduled detour for the guys. They'd find many things in that alley, but their next clue isn't one of them.

"That's not a fun place to be. Sitting in an alley shooting heroin" ... James ... no wonder plans for the Opium World amusement park have been put on hold indefinitely.

"Number 1 is the one we're going to first and number 2 is the one we're going to second" ... Erwin on his map ... what an ingenious system. All that time spent at university is certainly paying off for them.

"So we'll show you our map and you remember us down the road" ... Peter to Dustin and Kandice ... yup, remember you as that nice team that helped but we ended up screwing anyway.
Nothing stronger than an alliance based on Peter's best interests. That'll probably hold at least until the train stops.
"I don't trust Peter but we know when his best interests are involved, we're probably going to be okay" ... Dustin ... nothing stronger than an alliance based on Peter's best interests. That'll probably hold at least until the train stops.

"I'm not going to beg you for nothing, ‘cause I don't need you for anything" ... Lyn to Peter ... apparently the ability to make an artificial leg only goes so far with Lyn.

"I want to get into the heads of the other players. Make them a little bit worried" ... Godwin ... don't go too far into their heads, though. You might get lost in a barren wasteland.

"You speak great English. And you dress really nicely, too" ... Mary to guide ... if they get lost now, at least they're going somewhere in style.

"You understand I need to make sure it's quick. If someone beats us there, what are you going to do about it?" ... Mary to travel agent ... most likely he'll fake not knowing English, head home, and have a good laugh with the missus.

"If you took us to Delhi, when we would get to Chennai, India" ... Mary to airport travel agent ... well, my Honda gets about 30 mpg, so I'd say I can get you there in about two days if we keep the pee breaks down.

"We don't want to get on a flight with Sarah and Peter and the Barbies" ... Lyn ... keeping in mind that it's who you travel with rather than how fast you get there that really determines who wins.

"I really thought Alabama would be out by now" ... Sarah ... it's the underdog story that's probably gotten more than one Vegas oddsmaker broken thumbs by now.

"All bets are off now. I don't think it will ever be the same again" ... Kandice on her alliance with Peter ... all she can do is reminisce about how great the alliance used to be at the beginning, about 12 hours ago.

"I'm just a little disappointed in them" ... Peter on Dustin and Kandice ... how will they live with that disappointment? It falls somewhere between a good laugh and sweet dreams.

"It's kind of a kick in the side that we thought we'd be the only teams here and we're not" ... Tyler ... get too close to Dustin and Kandice and they might oblige you even further than that.

"We go from one polluted city to another" ... Peter ... it's the Amazing Race, not the Eco-tour, Peter. Plus, in an ironic twist, the final leg of the race is planned for Los Angeles.

"She covered his mouth so he wouldn't say it" ... Sarah on Dustin muting her cab driver ... don't jump to unfair conclusions like that, Sarah. Maybe Dustin was simply mugging the guy.

"This is big bus station" ... taxi driver to Dustin ... of course, if you were looking for something in more of a mid-sized or sporty type bus, that station is across town.

"He's lost dude. Look at him, he's just wandering" ... Tyler on his cab driver ... and cue the drug addict flashbacks.

"Is he ever coming back?" ... Tyler on his cab driver ... or is it just an elaborate attempt to run up the meter?

"I felt a little more relaxed, more comfortable in India. People have a little more substance to their bodies" ... Karlyn ... it's one billion of the jolliest people you'll ever meet.

"We got a lot of pointing and stares in Vietnam" ... Karlyn ... and having your own camera crew in tow probably had nothing to do with it.

"Don't let anyone touch me" ... Kim on riding the bus ... very prudent. It's been 400 years since the black plague, but you never know when it might come back.

"Oh my God do you smell that? / It smells like fish" ... Rob / Kim ... and the odds that it's from somebody's aquarium or there's a deep fryer cooking in the back are pretty slim.

"I want to go to Europe" ... Kim ... then you'll probably want the #6 bus, miss ... it's the cross-continent Express.

"I want to be with the rich folk" ... Kim ... yeah, you never know which member of the royal family you'll bump into riding public transit in Europe.

"In this detour, teams have to choose between two tasks commonly performed by people in this region of India" ... Phil ... getting tourists lost in taxi cabs or smuggling really smelly food items onto the bus.
Yeah all that standing around and waiting. It was exhausting just watching them.
"Who knew it would be so hard to get a bus? / That was a bitch" ... Tyler / James ... yeah all that standing around and waiting. It was exhausting just watching them.

"I just hope we don't have to touch the, like, snout and stuff" ... Dustin on the crocodile ... you'd think she'd be more concerned with the croc touching them. It's a big jump going from "Ewww" to "Owww!"

"This is like pulling your hair back" ... Sarah on mouth wrapping ... practically the same except that most ponytail sessions don't involve possible finger loss.

"C'mon Sarah. This is simple stuff" ... Peter on the crocodile ... see, they even have an ambulance and surgeon standing by. What could be simpler?

"This is scary. / This is not scary, Sarah" ... Sarah / Peter on carrying the crocodile ... in truth, carrying the crocodile isn't scary. Dropping the crocodile and pissing him off is where things get a bit dicey.

"I hope there's not little loose ones running around" ... Kandice on the crocodile ... no worries. While the idea of free range crocodiles sounds good in theory, it's got some flaws when put into practice.

"I just need you to make the bus" ... Peter on Sarah running ... and she just needs you to get within clubbing distance

"Sarah. I'm not asking you to go faster" ...Peter ... I'm just asking you to move less slowly is all.

"I like who I am. I like the way I deal with things" ... Peter ... now if only he can survive how people end up dealing with him, he's got it made.

"Remember it's just a game. We're just having fun" ... Peter ... almost as much fun as those guys in the alley shooting up heroin

"I need an artisan. Who's the artisan?" ... Lyn to the shopkeeper ... with passion like that, you'd think she just made last call at Starbucks.

"Look how skinny that cow is. Is it like a homeless cow?" ... Kim ... nah. The homeless cows always carry signs like "Will give milk for hay."

"I just wanna get ready to run" ... Kim on the crocodile ... or if need be, exercise Plan B, which includes tripping Rob and the cameraman.

"You know James and Tyler do this every Tuesday, right?" ... Godwin on moving the crocodile ... it's the evolution of cow tipping to an extreme sport level.

"We need a bus right now" ... Rob ... is this a wish, a prayer, or a general misunderstanding on how public transportation works?

"I'm afraid of crocodiles" ... Mary ... then this will be a chance to either overcome that fear or see how fast you can run.

"You're supposed to have clothes on" ... Mary to Tyler on the colouring detour ... you'd think that would be a given, but it never hurts to be reminded, I guess.

"I feel like I'm a retarded kid" ... James ... nah. They'd probably be better at telling colours apart and staying in the lines than you are.

"What in the world makes you think I would want to go wrestle a crocodile?" ... Mary to Dave ... well, for one thing, do you think your kids would ever give you any sass again after seeing Mom do that?
Blinders attached - check; caution thrown to wind - check; bribe enclosed - check.
"They must go through the proper process of obtaining an Indian driver's license" ... Phil ... blinders attached - check; caution thrown to wind - check; bribe enclosed - check.

"For animals or children or any others, you must go like this ... honk honk" ... driving instructor ... and if you feel like it, you can swerve out of the way, too.

"Watch out for the bus. Don't drive crazy" ... test instructor to Kandice ... you'll have to wait till after you get your license for that.

"Oh my God this is insane. This is like a rat race" ... Kandice on driving ... of course in most rat races, you don't end up with a tire track on your back if you lose.

"Are we looking at the first all female team to win the Amazing Race?" ... Phil to Dustin and Kandice ... or maybe the first runner up, waiting to take the place of the winners should they be unable to carry out their duties as Amazing Race champions.

"Do not drink and drive at any moment. / Drink what?" ... Driving instructor / Rob ... most likely alcohol, but it's probably safe to extend that to anything that's not bottled water.

"We coulda done got two crocodiles" ... Dave on the long colouring task ... hell, you could have made a couple of wallets, some luggage, and a tasty stew by now, too.

"They drive like a bunch of jackasses out there" ... Lyn ... brings to mind the deep philosophical question that if everyone else drives like a jackass except you, does that make you a jackass for not driving like one?

"Yeah, that really is an ugly shot of me" ... Phil on the Cho brothers' shirts ... it'll need a complete revamping before the Phil line of active wear sweaters comes out this Christmas.

"Second to last is very humbling" ... James ... but on the plus side, it comes with its own slice of pie. Beats the crap sandwich they serve for coming in last.

"I love him even more than the day I came on this race" ... Mary on Dave ... not surprisingly since that first day was when he gulped down a big plate of fish eyes. Love can only go up after that.



James appears to be doubly cursed ... he doesn't seem to be able to speak or draw in Vietnamese.

Once again Tyler and James face the irony of discussing on a reality show how they used to take drugs in order to escape reality.
Note to the Cho brothers: there's nothing wrong with playing a good practical joke on other teams, except of course when it becomes a good practical idea for them.

Note to Peter: If you are going to lie about which airline you're on, try to make up one better than Air Tahiti

If Peter insists on peeking over shoulders at airline tickets, maybe writing him little notes there would be helpful. A simple "You're a jerk, Peter" might send out the right signal.

Since when do Detour checkpoints close for lunch? You think the producers could spring for some catering to keep the artisan's shop open over the lunch hour.

Kudos to Peter ... No matter what the task, he seems to have the innate ability to simultaneously coach and annoy someone at it.

After being manhandled by reality stars, I'm not sure if I'd want to be the next person in line to visit the crocs. At best, they'd be in shock; at worse, they'd be out for revenge.

If the first thing your driving lesson covers is how to use the horn, you're probably into for an interesting day.

Is it impressive or scary that you can pass your driver's license test in under an hour and do it without wearing seatbelts?

So the one team that probably owns a home gym, wins one for coming in first. Are Dustin and Kandice due to win matching tiaras next week, or will it be a lifetime supply of charcoal for Dave and Mary?

In the spirit of Cho practical jokes, should Phil have a picture of the Cho brothers on his shirt next with the caption "30 minute penalty"?