"In Control" - Vol. X, No. 3
Welcome to this very special edition of "In Control." Back together for the first time since the race itself, we have the first four teams eliminated from season 10 of "The Amazing Race." In just a moment we will be heading up to Steve & Dave's interview loft, and we will be talking with all four of the teams.
But first, Steve and Dave have decided that it is time we put some journalistic integrity back into this column. In the past few seasons, we admit that we have strayed quite a ways from our original intent of recapping the race from an ex-racers' point of view. This very column will be the beginning of our return to the things we wanted to do when we initially agreed to write a column for TARflies. Not only a return to the things we wanted to do, but also a return to the type of hard-hitting journalism you've always expected from us - but sadly, were oftentimes disappointed.
We're sure that our regular reader will instantly recognize the lengths we had to go to in order to obtain the following interview, but for the rest of you let us point out a few things. Since we are the only team in the history of the race who HASN'T tried to use their appearance on the race as a springboard to some type of acting/modeling career, we were branded as "outsiders." We further entrenched ourselves as ungrateful rebels with our repeated jabs at each of the seasons from #5 onwards. Then came that messy incident involving Steve, three bottles of Jose Cuervo, and most of the Congressional pages...
Sorry...we apologize...that wasn't Steve. That was Republican Congressman Foley (or at least we predict that will eventually come out). But anyhow, you should probably be able to figure out how many favors we had to call in to get this interview. Face it - we have never even been asked to be "bloggers' on the CBS website. But after much wrangling, we've been able to secure this interview, and now without further ado, we proudly present the first Steve & Dave interview:
Steve & Dave: Good evening. Tonight we are pleased to be joined by the first four teams eliminated from "The Amazing Race 10." On our right are Bilal and Sa'eed, next to them are Vipul and Arti, while to our left are Kellie and Jamie, and beyond them are Duke and Lauren. Good evening, folks.
Group: Good evening.
S&D: Let's start with a question for Bilal and Sa'eed. Exactly how surprised were you when you discovered that you had been eliminated, given the two facts that it was still the middle of the leg, but Phil had stated that there would be "surprises" this season?
Dave poses a question for Bilal...or is it Sa'eed?
Duke: Was that question for us?
S&D: No, it was for Bilal and Sa'eed.
Duke: Oh, sorry.
S&D: No problem. Bilal? Sa'eed? Either of you two want to field that one?
Vipul: You mean us?
S&D: No - we were talking to Bilal and Sa'eed. How about it men, were you surprised, and if so, why? [Nudges Bilal]
Bilal: You were talking to us? I thought you said the question was for Bill Alseed.
S&D: No, it was for you two.
Sa'eed: Hey, it sounded like Bill Alseed to me as well.
Bilal: You see? It wasn't just me!
S&D: Okay, in any event, were you two surprised to be eliminated in the middle of a leg, especially since Phil said there would be some changes this season?
Sa'eed: To be honest, I don't think anyone should have been surprised when those two dudes got bounced. I mean, the card said "last team" for crying out loud! If they weren't going to get dumped, why didn't the card have a time?
Bilal: Yea, I have to go along with Joe on this one. They should have seen it coming.
S&D: Well, since you are both speaking in the third person about yourselves, perhaps you still bear the show some animosity?
Bilal: No way! I've got no animosity towards The Amazing Race. I love the show.
Sa'eed: Yeah, me too. In fact, I'd love to be able to appear on the show some time - like you two guys did. I think it would be a rush.
S&D: You mean "appear again"? Like on an All-Star version?
Sa'eed: No, I mean just be on the show, you know? Race around the world - maybe win a million dollars?
S&D: Sounds like you both may still be in denial. Let's throw out another question, this time for Duke and Lauren. How tough was it making those coal bricks?
Lauren: You're asking us, right?
Lauren: [to Duke] See? I told you they were talking to us.
Duke: I thought they were talking to those two down there [points to Vipul and Arti]. What was the question again?
S&D: How tough was it making those coal bricks?
Duke: Beats me. I've never made a coal brick in my life.
Lauren: Me neither.
S&D: Oh, that's right. You were on your way to make the bricks and found the birdcage portion of the Detour instead. In hindsight, was building a birdcage the right decision?
Steve chats with Duke, while Dave puts out a cigarette. In the background Arti is smoking a joint.
Lauren: I don't know what you're talking about.
S&D: We mean, do you think that you should have kept searching for the coal brick portion of the Detour rather than doing the birdcage portion - especially considering the fact that Tom & Terry were in the midst of a 30-minute penalty?
Duke: Why do you keep talking about "coal bricks"? Furthermore, what detour are you referring to? We haven't driven much today, but I don't recall any detours.
S&D: Oh, I guess we may have broached a subject that crosses the confidentiality agreement you signed, right, Duke?
Duke: What the...? And here's another thing. I don't understand why you insist on calling me Duke. My name is Henry, and I would appreciate it if you would use it from now on.
S&D: Right, "Henry." I guess you still have to use your fake "loser lodge" names, huh?
Duke: You know, I've had about enough of you two. One more idiotic question and I'm leaving.
S&D: Calm down - no need to get hostile, Du...err... "Henry." Let's move down to Vipul and Arti. Say, those are some pretty odd names, don't you think?
Vipul: Yes, those do seem to be some unusual names.
Arti: "Arte" isn't so bad. Lots of people have been named Arte. Wasn't the first Bush's middle name "Arte"? George Arte Bush?
S&D: No, it was ‘Herbert Walker'. But you admit that maybe America would have had trouble learning your names, had you lasted longer than one leg?
Vipul: I have both my legs. I don't understand what you mean by "one leg." I also don't think that "Sam" is too hard a name to learn, nor is "Helen." You've known us for less than a year Steve, but you know our names.
Steve: Well, I'm paid big bucks to remember key things about The Amazing Race, such as racer names.
Arti: What bearing does The Amazing Race have on our names?
S&D: Ha, ha, ha! Good one Arti! So, Kellie or Jamie - when did you realize that you were in last place, and did it impact your decision to quit during the flaming arrow challenge?
Steve throws a question Jamie's way, while Sa'eed (or is it Bilal?), Vipul, and Ray (apparently) look on.
Jamie: [to Duke] Hey, you look familiar - where have I seen you before?
S&D: From the race, of course. You know him from the race!
Kellie: Did these two promise any of the rest of you snacks if you would come over? I'm getting pretty hungry, and they said something about snacks.
S&D: Here's a question for all the racers except Bilal and Sa'eed - how was that rope climb up the great wall?
Duke: [to Kellie] You know, I was thinking the same thing. Don't you live around the corner from Steve - at 1127 Main?
Kellie: [to Duke] That's it!! Now I recognize you! I'm Lynn Foster, and this is my daughter, Susan.
Jamie: [to Duke] Hi.
S&D: And so, as the racers begin to talk about their shared experiences on "The Amazing Race 10," Steve & Dave bid you...
Duke: [to Kellie and Jamie] Hi, I'm Henry McGill, and this is my wife Lill, although everyone calls her "Nancy." I have a feeling that these two guys are trying to pull something here. Before we started I was talking to Dan and Joe over there. For some reason, Steve & Dave kept calling them "Balil and Sa'eed."
Bilal: No, it was "Bilal", not "Balil."
S&D: ...a fond farewell from the newly refurbished Steve & Dave interview loft. Be sure to join us again next week when we...
Sa'eed: Yea, we just figured out that we already know Ray & Grace over there - those are the two that these guys have been calling "Vipul and Arti." Turns out they're Dave's parents. We met them one night when they came out to watch Dave bowl - we bowl in the same league as him.
Ray...errr, Vipul: Hi, nice to meet you.
Group: (various greetings)
S&D: ...will be interviewing the show's co-creator and executive producer, Bertram Van Munster. Until then, farewell.
Kellie: Does anyone see those snacks? I thought I heard someone mention Mongolian barbecue.
Steve: Is this thing off? Yes? God, what a train wreck.
Dave: Yea, no more fake interviews. Maybe next time we ought to...what? They're still on?!! Oh, shi