Amazing Race Rants

Amazing Race Rant - Episode 3

"This is Mongolia. Home to a nomadic culture that has lasted over 800 years" ... Phil ... bet after having a taste of reality TV, they realized they weren't quite nomadic enough.

"Its landscape is dotted with temples" ... Phil ... not to mention flaming arrows and the odd disabled jeep.

"They will find their way to this place ... Hoa Lo prison ... infamously known as the Hanoi Hilton" ... Phil ... but for prisoners on a tighter budget, the Hanoi Howard Johnson's is just down the road.

"I am right now running and walking on a blown out hydraulic knee" ... Sarah ... that's nothing compared to Rob and Kim running and walking on a blown out relationship.

"It's a good thing we have this lead, ‘cause we're going to need it" ... Sarah ... especially if they keep "not quitting" detour tasks over and over and over.
Just friends makes a lot more sense than the nomadic Lesbian tribes of Mongolia theory ... or even the large scale porn movie fantasy sequence theory.
"A lot of these girls on the street walk arm in arm. You think they're just friends or what?" ... Duke ... just friends makes a lot more sense than the nomadic Lesbian tribes of Mongolia theory ... or even the large scale porn movie fantasy sequence theory.

"I don't really believe anything is going to change Lauren's sexuality" ... Duke ... while women can be fickle and have the right to change their mind, this are might be the exception to all that.

"If anything is going to change, it's me and my acceptance" ... Duke ... but if on the way to acceptance, a few single guys' phone numbers get anonymously sent her way, where's the harm in that?

"A lot of my friends did. A lot of them never returned" ... Duke on serving in Vietnam ... here's hoping that your tour in Vietnam goes a little better. A little more sight-seeing ... fewer deadly missions.

"How do we know that bus is really going to Ulaanbaatar?" ... Tom ... Tom being ever mindful of possible Mongolian bus driver conspiracies.

"You have zero dollars for this leg of the race and you may not beg or sell anything" ... Sarah ... on the bright side, it will give Peter and Sarah at least another day or so to add an extra song and dance number to jazz up their money-making act.

"If there is one thing we're going to learn on this thing, it's to be confident with directions" ... Dustin ... and also how to make a 3-point turn when that confidence doesn't work out so well.

"To be defined as a pageant girl and all the assumptions that go along with that ... it's just kind of tough sometimes" ... Dustin ... ugly people just don't know how easy they have it sometimes.

"We won't be needing MapQuest after this" ... Kandice ... might be a good idea to keep it bookmarked, though ... at least until after you've won the million dollars.

"If Rob chooses to say hurtful things to me, we're going to have a serious talk about that" ... Kim ... at which point she might not only say a few hurtful things, but throw them as well.

"It's not a big deal. Do not freak out right now" ... Kim to Rob on turning around ... hopefully after the race, she'll have a chance to appreciate the irony of him freaking out over her saying not to freak out.

"As soon as she read the clue, tears filled up my eyes" ... Dave ... either traveling to Vietnam is emotional for him, or the thought of no money = no Mongolian take-out is too much too handle.

"I've always followed in my father's footsteps" ... Dave ... of course, the Vietnam War was a reality show on a whole different level.

"In my heart, I've already won (the race)" ... Godwin ... sadly, CBS has no heart and will force him to actually win the race officially.

"Are you kidding me? That's not fair" ... Terry on Dustin and Kandice cutting the line ... yeah ,but until you can find a teacher to put them in a Time Out, you're out of luck.

"I thought we could trust you guys" ... Terry ... this from the team who's not in the race to make friends. Mission accomplished, boys.

"We didn't feel guilty because we were on the ball and doing our stuff" ... Dustin ... with keen legal insight like that, those pageant queen stereotypes will be dropping like flies.

"They are not going to win a beauty pageant of kindness" ... Tom ... and isn't that the dream of every pageant girl ... to walk with home with the coveted Miss Congeniality title.

"The race is not the most glamourous thing. It's painful" ... Lyn ... the way its going so far, the run to the finish line will include limping, hopping, and crawling.

"If I could compare it to something, it's like childbirth" ... Lyn ... luckily, a key difference is that the ladies giving birth are not armed with flaming arrows. Husbands and doctors would become virtually extinct.

"We just need to get there! What are we waiting for her for? / ‘Cause she knows the language" ... Lauren / Duke on their guide ... hopefully. one of the first phrases she can teach you is the translation for "you're in last place."

"We could have run over the blondes. Dude, you should have kept going" ... Rob to cab driver ... what's a little hit and run amongst friends ... and they're already heading to a prison anyway, so where's the problem?

"And now we're last. / We'll find out / Yeah ... when we're eliminated" ... Lauren / Duke / Lauren ... don't worry, it won't take that long. All the almost empty clue boxes along the way will give you plenty of notice.

"No ... from the airport is 10 to 20 US dollars. Do you not understand?" ... Guide to Duke ... if he doesn't, then he'll get to understand the Vietnamese criminal court system real soon.

"Yeah, I understand that we're not going to have enough money" ... Duke ... let's just hope that the cab driver doesn't understand that yet.
Think positive. Maybe the judge will count the time spent looking for the clue in the prison towards your sentence.
"We'll be fine. / Yeah, when we're arrested because we can't pay him" ... Duke / Lauren ... think positive. Maybe the judge will count the time spent looking for the clue in the prison towards your sentence.

"We lucked out. / The cab was a godsend" ... Lauren / Duke ... no, a godsend would be finding a wallet in the back seat of the cab or having a guide that took you to the prison not via her brother's house. This was just a tired guy who didn't care anymore.

"Teams must now search the grounds to find McCain's flightsuit" ... Phil ... and if possible, bring it with them. McCain is 30 years overdue in returning it to the Navy, so you can imagine the fines that are due.

"Dude, look at this. This is crazy, dude" ... Rob on the prison cells ... not sure if "Dude" was what the designers of the exhibit were looking to evoke from the visitors, but it's better than nothing.

"It is a significant place and it is a place that we wanted to honour properly" ... Erwin on the McCain exhibit ... not that being a reality show clue checkpoint wasn't honour enough, of course.

"In this roadblock, that person will have to figure how to charm the people and turn a profit on the streets of Vietnam" ... Phil ... don't know what's going to happen next, but it sounds like this is going to end up back at the prison pretty quickly.

"I cannot ride a bike ... my foot" ... Mary on the roadblock ... it's for the best anyway, Mary. Given Dave's creative ensemble of Vietnamese hat with Kentucky clothes, the locals are more likely to take pity on him.

"Peter is selling flowers left and right. All the women love him. I think they are loving the blonde hair" ... Sarah ... proving the old adage that blondes not only have more fun, but they sell more flowers, too.

"I'm definitely going for the next one. I just have to jump in with both feet ... no pun intended" ... Sarah on the roadblock ... well, if she had to toss out a pun, at least it's better than her saying she wants to kick ass and get a leg up on the competition.

"Academics came easy to us" ... Godwin ... but unless you and your brother aced Flower Sales 101, schooling is not going to come in handy here.

"The reality is ... two young females just standing there. They're going to sell more flowers than you hawking them all day long" ... Godwin to Erwin ... hope they didn't spend too much money and time at school to learn that. I'd ask for a refund.

"All the ladies are jumping downstairs to buy my Dad's flowers" ... Lauren ... how hard up is Vietnam for rock stars if large mobs of flower groupies are roaming the streets?

"We'll all follow each other to hell, I guess" ... Lyn on following the other teams ... probably be an interesting trip, but I'm betting it's not going to be a pretty detour.

"It's like Frogger, dude" ... Rob on crossing the street ... kind of, but the consequences of getting a Game Over are a little more serious here.

"I can't imagine how my Dad saw Vietnam during the Vietnam war." ... Dave ... it certainly would a little different than now, and probably didn't include rushing to the Hanoi Hilton, either.

"For safety reasons, teams are not allowed to travel by motorcycle in Vietnam" ... Phil ... and next season, feel free to add hynik carts and Mongolian horses to that list.

"I hope this is right. Do you think this is right?" ... Tom on riding the motorcycle ...hitching a ride through rural Vietnam ... probably more wrong than right with that. At least if he's kidnapped, the criminals aren't going to get too far on a moped.

"One birdcage would take forever" ... Terry on building a birdcage ... not doing it the right way, of course ... it's the million crappy ways that really soak up the time.

"Oh it's like Play-Doh" ... Tom on the wet coal ... the children of the village are extra lucky because their Play-Doh is not only bendable and stretchable, but flammable too.

"I don't know what a traditional birdcage looks like" ... Karlyn ... don't want to go out a limb here, but I doubt there have been that many advances in birdcage technology in the last 1000 or so years.

"Oh wow. It's one of those things you see on TV, Dave" ... Mary on the dragon ... apparently the two most popular channels in rural Kentucky are ESPN and the Chinese New Year channel.
Sadly even on vacation, Dave finds a way to bring his work along with him.
"We chose coal ... ‘cause, you know, I am a coalminer" ... Dave ... sadly even on vacation, Dave finds a way to bring his work along with him.

"You're moving kind slow on that" ... Peter on Sarah's running ... guess Peter missed that whole blown-out knee thing that Sarah's been mentioning at every opportunity.

"This is right up your alley, huh Dave?" ... Tyler on making coal bricks ... Dave's lucky he gets to use his work-related skills. Tyler and James will just have to hope that there's a catwalk or joint-rolling detour for them down the road.

"This ain't real coal. Ours is hard. Theirs is mud" ... Dave ... yeah, but since their coal can be made into novelty shapes, the marketing possibilities are endless. Who wouldn't enjoy sitting around a fire pit, with Lucky Charms-shaped coal glowing away?

"I was worried about looking at the culture and looking at the people and wondering how they would react to an American in Vietnam" ... Dave ... not that there isn't Anti-American sentiment around, but the locals are probably more worried about relying on the coal bricks that these amateurs are making. It's a toss on the fire and run kind of reflex..

"It shows that you can have one bad day and be gone from this race" ... Tom ... one bad day? You had 10 minutes on a moped and you might be tossed.

"We're doing good. It is a pain in the ass though, huh?" ... Duke on birdcage building ... probably no walk in the park for the bird, either.

"Guys ... this has got to suck" ... Phil on Tom and Terry's penalty ... well, if it didn't before, having Phil bring it up again probably has sealed the deal for sure now.

"We're the back pack. We don't give up on each other. We encourage each other" ... Mary ... maybe encouraging each other to not hitch a ride on a moped next time would be a better plan..

"Duke can you tell me what you learned about your daughter on this trip?" ... Phil ... that maybe she's better at handling money then I am.

"It's been a long journey with you two, right?" ... Phil to Duke and Lauren ... yup, but they probably would have preferred it to be a little longer.

"You almost want to wish this on every parent out there" ... Duke ... and with one loose comment, Duke inadvertently starts the ball rolling on the next Family Edition.



Would Genghis Khan approve of the fact that ultimately his vast empire of pillaging and conquering has now been reduced to a hotel with its own travel agency?

Note to Dave: you might want to pack away the camouflage jacket before heading off to Vietnam. The whole American tourist in camouflage heading to a POW prison might not fly well at customs.

Not sure what was more touching ... hearing Dave emotionally talk about his father's experiences in Vietnam, or just seconds later, hearing Dave emotionally talk about his wife's inability to see the damned speedometer.
Between Sarah's knee, Mary's ankle, and Kim's partner ... who's got the biggest disadvantage?
Between Sarah's knee, Mary's ankle, and Kim's partner ... who's got the biggest disadvantage?

If a truck flips over and actually blocks the road, can that technically count as a Roadblock?

Note to Duke and Lauren: Guides can be very helpful during the race ... usually more so when they actually lead you somewhere rather than just bumming a lift home from the airport.

Would it benefit future New York Stock market traders to apprentice for a few months at Vietnamese flower shops?

For a small out-of-the-way village, Vac certainly had a lot of public buses going there.

It is more painful or more embarrassing to be nailed by a moped?

Cultural note: while Buddhists are normally peaceful people, their dragon ceremonies can be potentially fatal to oncoming pedestrians.

I appreciate the coal master's desire for perfection, but he might have mentioned Erwin's bricks were too short before he cranked out 30 of them.

After three Asians countries, did the Cho brothers finally get a handle on the whole Asia thing just in time to leave the continent?

If Dustin and Kandice ever enter any more pageants, at least they've now got coal brick making to fall back on for the talent competition. It's more impressive than a silly dance number.

This was one of the few pit stops where along with congratulations, some free Wetnaps would really have been appreciated.