Diary of a Greeter

Leg 1 - Cortina d'Ampezzo

Dear Diary,

This is going to be a gig and a half. Official Greeter for The Amazing Race! What an opportunity! I have to say, I was a little surprised to be asked, because I thought they always hired them on site. JB told me that they used to, but some of the union rates for local color are just through the roof. Not only that, but apparently there was a bit of a scandal at a pit stop last time, something involving an underage Portuguese sailor and like, half the racers, so they want to make sure that they've got someone who is of age and on payroll.
Anyway, they all seemed pretty happy. Especially the one with the pigtails. She's pretty cute, the way she smiled and said "Fucking excellent! That's what the fuck I'm fucking talking about!"
Makeup and costume are going to be a pain in the ass, though, let me tell you. But what a great job they did! When I saw the finished footage, I couldn't believe that was me. I look like I should be calling Heidi home for supper or something. Anyhow, trust me ladies, I'm actually much taller.

Things certainly got off to a busy start. I had just got to the mat when I looked up and saw a whole horde charging at me, I figured I was done for - the Union of Alpine Stereotypes had found me out, and was going to carry me off to be buggered by a chamois, or drowned in fondue, or something. Lucky for me it was just the first three teams, all coming in together. I think they are a little unclear on the whole 'race' concept. And if they keep doing that, JB's really going to need to spring for a bigger mat.

Anyway, they all seemed pretty happy. Especially the one with the pigtails. She's pretty cute, the way she smiled and said "Fucking excellent! That's what the fuck I'm fucking talking about!"

Things got even more exciting when Phil told them they'd all won a vacation. I heard a stream of cussing that would make a sailor blush! I thought it was that girl again, Adamnda, but it was just the rep from the sponsor. (I heard him threaten the sound guy from one of the teams -said that he didn't care if he had to throw a hip check at one of the racers; if there was another tie like that, the cost of the vacation was coming off his paycheck. Man, sucks to be those guys.)

Next thing I know, two football players are bearing down on me! My bad, it was just their wives. They were pretty stoked too, talking about taking a Fast Forward and it really making a difference. I don't think Phil wanted to bring them down, but when they had their backs turned he popped his eyebrow right up over the top of head and down the other side. I'm guessing he thinks they were a little hasty, and after three races, he should know.

Now I'm going to let you in on a little secret. Sometimes, they reshoot stuff. They don't change the results, they just try and make things a little better for the home audience. Like with the next finishers.

If you ask me, the original shot was great. That one guy - what was his name? Steve? Dave? Hell, I can't tell the difference. Let's just call him Steve, that gives me a good chance of being right. Anyway, that one guy came in carrying his buddy with the bum knee across his back. It was like an out-take from Missing in Action 3: Escape from Italy. I thought that looked really cool, but I guess they don't want to make it too obvious that they're on their last legs. Or leg, really. So they taped up Dave's knee, shot it full of Novocaine, and he hobbled up to the mat. I bet you didn't notice a thing.

After that, it was a bit of a blur. What can I say? We had to wait, some guy brought out a wineskin, and the next thing I know, I've allegedly greeted three more teams! All I can remember is those guys with the red noses - I told them that it looked like they were more pissed than I was. I think JB cut that part though.
I actually dozed off before the last team arrived. Man, Phil's got him some sharp elbows!
Next were four cookie-cutter young guys. Phil told me that two of them are actually married - to each other - but for the life of me, I couldn't tell which was which. Maybe it's just the gluhwein talking, but when those four are standing together, every gaydar on the set just explodes. It's uncanny.

Things were finally slowing down a bit, so I had a cup of coffee and sobered up. Good thing too, because two blond babes came running up to the mat! They were pretty relieved when Phil told them they were number 11, and so was I. There was, if I say so myself, a bit of sparking going on with one of them. If they stick around I think I might get lucky. I'm kind of hoping for a tag-team session, but the other one - Tian? - seemed a little cold. Maybe she doesn't like old Italian goatherds. Here's hoping I get to be someone a little more suave at the next stop.

I actually dozed off before the last team arrived. Man, Phil's got him some sharp elbows! I told him I was just trying to get in character, but I don't think he bought it. Anyway, they showed up, Phil did his sad little Philimination speech, and then the damndest thing happened! They high-fived, woo-hooed, she did a little booty dance, he was pumping his fist and shouting "Yes! Yes! Three weeks in Sequesterville, and I didn't even have to bungee jump!" I'm thinking they had a hidden agenda. Anyway, Phil got all stern and officious with them (I think she liked that) and we reshot it, all sad and sentimental. But they walked off with smiles on their faces.

Well, Phil's calling. Time to get on the plane to... oh never mind. I'll tell you next week.