The ATC Report

"In Control" - Vol. X, Nos. 1 & 2

It's official. We give up. Yep, after all this time we finally have nothing to write about. That's why this is (as you can see above) a "combined" column. Normally we would write a pre-race column covering all the teams, then we would write a column after the first leg, and another after leg number two. This season we skipped right past the pre-race column without so much as a "by your leave," and then Dave fobbed off miri with some lame excuse about "being too busy" for our column on leg number one. Sadly, neither of us could think of a reason (that anyone would believe) for giving this column a miss.

We did come up with a couple of excuses that almost made the cut. First, we thought of using Steve's recent neck surgery. We figured no one would even remember that the surgery was done two years ago.

Then we thought about using the "jet lag" excuse, until Dave was quick to point out that Steve hadn't even left home, and that Dave hadn't been anywhere that would have caused jet lag that lasted over a week.

We almost decided to go on strike again, but we've done that bit just a few too many times.

Then we thought about actually writing a column in which we mocked Carissa throughout the whole thing. We figured that our central theme would be pointing out that she wrote like a pre-teenager. You can probably figure out why THAT one fell through.

So here we are. A column is due and we have completely run out of things to write about. Normally we could have written about the Las Vegas premiere of TAR10. However, Steve would have had even less to say than normal, because he missed it.

Dave and the "other" Steve in Vegas

We could have written a column about how TAR has been borrowing too much from "Fear Factor" of late, but even we couldn't have filled several pages on eating fish eyes.

Highlighted area (enlarged at right) seems to show "Fear Factor" host Joe Rogan actually starting the Race instead of Phil.

Then we had an idea to write a column about how the show is suddenly taking a nasty turn into "Big Brother" territory with the new "expect the unexpected" theme they've instilled this season. Come on folks, who couldn't figure out that the first leg was a double-elimination leg, especially when teams had to choose from 11 tickets with actual times on them and one labeled "last team"? And there we've just covered all we really had to say about the Big Brother connection.

Should we have done a column on the dumb comments the racers have made so far? Let's face it, "we're in Mongolia, bring on the barbecue", and "horses have a mind of their own" are some real gems. When Steve and Dave think of Mongolia, we always think of the fabled "Mongolian Barbecue." And thanks to The Amazing Race, we now all know that horses actually have a brain, and apparently use it - at least when the cameras are running.

We were tempted to write about TAR discriminating against non-Christian religions, as the Muslim and Hindu teams were the first two eliminated, but figured that we could only get about a paragraph out of that obvious dodge. Turns out we were right.
How many times can folks read about former druggies turned models racing against a coal miner from Kentucky whose travel resume reads, "Tennessee"?
We could have probably filled an entire column about the obvious "hooks" that the teams this season all seem to have (no pun intended, Sarah), but everyone else would probably be doing the same type of column. How many times can folks read about former druggies turned models racing against a coal miner from Kentucky whose travel resume reads, "Tennessee"? Who wants to spend precious hours of their life reading another column that comments on two cheerleaders racing against a couple of former beauty queens?

We did have one observation that we planned on sharing if we had done our column along these lines, though. We wanted to point out that using a "handicap" to get on a plane doesn't mean a thing. It's getting back off the plane that matters - and we've never heard of an airline that allows "pre-exiting" for passengers with special needs.

So anyhow, there's our problem in a nutshell. Two episodes into the tenth season of The Amazing Race and we've got absolutely no idea how to go about filling an entire column. Maybe we will have something by next week, but don't hold your breath.

Besides which, we noticed that there were only ones of comments even wondering why we hadn't written for the first episode. With the seeming complete lack of concern exhibited over the complete lack of our column, we may just decide to go elsewhere. They would probably really appreciate having us there. Unlike some people we know. We might even take our column to that site where no one is really allowed to express an opinion that differs from the evil cat-lady who spends her every waking minute watching the boards for the slightest rules infraction so she can make some snippy comment and then ban the "rule breaker" for life. That's right, we're taking our column to Survivor Sucks.