Amazing Race Rants

Amazing Race Rant - Episode 2

"This is the Great Wall of China" ... Phil ... unfortunately, the barbarians of old never discovered the one true way to overcome the wall ... television cameras and matching T-shirts.

"Will Peter and Sarah remain at the front of the pack even with her prosthetic leg in disrepair?" ... Phil ...never seems to be a good hydraulic fluid station around when you need one.

"And can David and Mary overcome their lack of travel experience to come out of last place?" ... Phil ... hasn't hurt them so far. C'mon, how experienced do you need to be to find the Great Wall of China by cab?

"Being able to have this opportunity in sobriety is icing on the cake" ... Tyler ... sobriety does have its downside, too, though ... as in the case of eating fish eyes.
Phrases like that make you wonder if they were talking like high school girls all the time or just after they stopped taking drugs.
"It's like ... Pinch me ... Is this really happening?" ... Tyler ...phrases like that make you wonder if they were talking like high school girls all the time or just after they stopped taking drugs.

"We know where we have been ... on the streets and in the gutters ... so why not have fun with every situation we can?" ... Tyler ... and if worse comes to worse, a trip around the world offers a whole new set of streets and gutters we've never tried before.

"I can accept gays and lesbians, but when it's my daughter, you think of it a little differently" ... Duke ... at least thoughts of accidental pregnancies are now off the list.

"I want him to see beyond my being gay" ... Lauren ... or at least work his way into "the rebellious daughter" arena instead.

"I can get around but it is like riding on a flat tire" ... Sarah on her leg ... except that AAA won't be coming to change it or give you a tow.

"We need each other as friends because in the competitive worlds that we live in, there aren't a lot of people you can count on" ... Dustin ... let's hope that doesn't include counting on each other to become hopelessly lost.

"We're deciding whether or not our relationship should go to the next level" ... Kim ... either setting a date at the chapel or with the therapist.

"We're just hoping we can find the people we trust and get through this race together" ... Erwin ... a good rule of thumb says that any team behind you probably falls into the "don't trust" category.

"We traveled independently but never as a couple. This will be a challenge, making decisions together" ... Tom ... on the bright side, though, traveling as a couple instead of solo doubles the chance that any wrong decision made won't be your fault.

"The biggest thing I want to take from the race is to be able to tell my daughter ... look, this is what your Mom did" ... Karlyn ... and I heard there's a million dollar prize, too. That comes a close second.

"Mary is very blunt and to the point" ... David ... how many shut-up's did it take him to figure out that there might be more to this shy girl than meets the eye?

"She don't care if the president was standing in front her ... she'd tell him you're wrong, get out of here" ... David ... well, so much for Kentucky getting a shot at a Presidential visit anytime soon.

"That's just the way she is. But it's what I love the most about her" ... David ... and she told me that herself,

"I've never known an Asian person in my life" ... Mary ... two down and about a billion or so to go.

"Honest to goodness. We've never been around gay people" ... Mary ... maybe not. Keep in mind that a Kentucky coal mine probably isn't the safest place to come out of the closet.

"There is power in this backpack. There's great competitors here and we're having fun" ... Terry ... and you know what would be even more fun than hanging with these people? Having a two-hour lead on these people.

"We have to do this conspicuously" ... Kandice on sneaking off ... lord, let it be to buy a dictionary so she can look that word up.

"The fact the Dustin and I don't share all of our information is a strategy" ... Kandice ... and the fact that we don't have any information to share yet is a technicality.

"I don't trust them as far as the race goes" ... Tyler on Dustin and Kandice ... what has society come to if there can't be a trust between beauty queens and male models?

"I was onto their plan so we went over and ruined their whole scheme" ... Tyler ... wow, breaking up a Dustin and Kandice scheme. Bin Laden better hope these guys don't get on his trail.

"It's good to have a physical disability because we're going to use that to our advantage" ... Peter ... and it couples well with his mental disability in coming up with this strategy.

"No show. They'd pay money at the zoo, though" ... Sarah on the spectators ...they throw peanuts at the zoo, too, so Sarah's striking out on both counts. Maybe she needs to work a ball balancing trick into the act.

"I can't imagine ever coming out here in a normal life" ... James on Mongolia ... surprisingly, Outer Mongolia finished just a little out of the top 10 Spring Break destinations.

"My wake up call came when I was arrested for a third time" ... Tyler ... what, did he just keep hitting the snooze button during the first two arrests?

"I just realized that my life was going to end, whether it be in jail or death" ... Tyler ... luckily, he found a nice hybrid between the two ... reality TV.

"So everything that has happened in my life since then has been like a dream" ... Tyler ... a dream that now includes a Kentucky coal mining family traveling to Outer Mongolia ... you sure you're still not on something?

"Ugh. Dirty water. Can I get diseases from that?" ... Kim on being splashed ... possibly, but I think hypochondria might be the most likely diagnosis.

"We feel like we're in a good position" ... Sarah ... words you never thought would be muttered while sandwiched in the back of a Mongolian taxi cab.

"Teams must choose one of these old Russian military jeeps" ... Phil ... and try to stay ahead of those old Russian military tanks that are undoubtedly looking for them.

"Once there, they will choose a pair of horses and ride 2 ½ miles led by a Mongolian nomad" ... Phil ... great guide choice ... led by the guy who spends his life just wandering around.
Car mechanics and insurance companies might disagree with that, but at least Rob is finding someone else to blame besides Kim.
"I love how you're grinding. / Hey, it's not me. It's the car" ... Kim / Rob on driving stick ... car mechanics and insurance companies might disagree with that, but at least Rob is finding someone else to blame besides Kim.

"Let's find someone that looks like they know where the hell they're going" ... Duke ... good plan, but it's probably better to find someone that looks like they know where the hell you're going.

"We have no idea if we're going the right way, which is scaring me a lot. This is like a road to nowhere" ... Terry ... with the Talking Heads playing softly in the background.

"We're going this way / How do you know? / That's why you're on the Race with me, honey" ... Rob / Kim / Rob ... so that when they get hopelessly lost, she could cannibalize his remains with as little guilt as possible.

"We asked God to give us angels along the way, and that was clearly one of our angels" ... Lyn ... who, I might add, you just abandoned on the side of the road. Not getting into St. Peter's good books for that move.

"Horse, horse, horseback riding, horses. Right or left?" ... Terry to toll guard ... the guard's best move at this point would be to just pick a direction quickly and hope that with proper therapy, the image of Terry being a horse can be wiped from his mind.

"I feel like I'm on a different planet right now" ... James describing Mongolia ...reminds him of the pre-sobriety days ... minus all the talking pink elephants, of course.

"Stop. / What's going on? Peace out. Go, go, go" ... Tyler / Karlyn on not stopping to help ... maybe a little overcautious since the number of Amazing Race carjackings is quite low, but there's always a first time, I guess.

"Their tire is flat. That's what they're mad about. Screw them" ... Karlyn ... true, but now they have something fresh and new to be mad about, too.

"Don't feel sorry about their tire being flat" ... Karlyn ... leaving them behind in a cloud of dust? ... okay, you can feel a little sorry for that.

"It's not like we're just being mean. We just want to win" ... Karlyn ... which involves just being mean, apparently.

"I am switching out my foot in case I need to put my foot in a stirrup" ... Sarah ... does this girl know how to accessorize or what?

"Cool. We get to wear costumes" ... Sarah on the Mongolian outfits ... betcha the Mongolians never realized they've been dressing up for Halloween every single day of their lives.

"I'm a Mongolian right now. Bring me some BBQ, baby" ... Kandice ... all you have to do now is pretend that this angry nomad is your waiter, and that flaming arrow he's pointing at you is the main course.

"No matter what, she's always right. So I just sit back and take it. It doesn't bother me" ... David ... nothing like the sounds of true love mixed in with the echoes of a whip.

"Can horses smell fear? / No, honey. Those are like bees and dogs or something" ... Kim / Rob ... didn't know that about bees. Guess it comes in handy finding any terrified flowers.

"I don't like to ride horses. I mean, they have a mind of their own" ... Kim ... but a pretty complacent one. How else can you explain why Rob hasn't been bucked off yet?

"It's just like a car, baby. Steer em. It's just like a car. Kick it, kick, kick" ... Rob ... not sure what kind of car he's driving but I'd hate to be in the passenger seat.

"Oh my God. I don't know what to do" ... Rob after Kim fell from horse ... a lot of options available here, but maybe "Get off the horse and help her" should be climbing to the top of the list.

"He's bringing your horse back" ... Rob ... that's a relief. Kim may be hurt and injured but at least they won't lose their deposit.

"Hope there's something coming up we can excel at and not be at the bottom today" ... Kelly ... well, if the detour involves some sort of Mongolian Horde pep rally, they're a shoe in.

"For us, this is an opportunity not only to win this race and break those stereotypes (of all female teams), but to do it on our own" ... Dustin ... or possibly furthering those stereotypes but at least giving us all a good laugh along the way.

"In this detour, teams must choose between two chores essential to the lifestyle of the nomadic people" ... Phil ... roam or even more roaming.
With half the teams trying to figure out which beast needs the charming … the one pulling the cart or the one I’m teamed up with.
"It's not a complicated task, but teams who cannot charm their beast may find themselves falling behind in the pack" ... Phil on water carrying ... with half the teams trying to figure out which beast needs the charming ... the one pulling the cart or the one I'm teamed up with.

"The only thing I didn't like about the other task was that sometimes you can't control animals" ... Sarah ... and it always seems to be the ones with horns or spitting issues that you can't control.

"Is there anything else we can use to scoop water with? / Here, you use this, I'll use my shoe" ... Kandice / Dustin ... Mmmm. Hope the nomads appreciate the taste of fresh spring water with just a hint of Adidas.

"Sarah, just focus on your task. You don't need to talk. / I'm just talking to myself but if it bothers you, I can zip it" ... Peter / Sarah ... and after that suggestion, it's probably better that he doesn't hear what she's likely to say next anyway.

"I'm sorry Sarah. I don't like to quit, either. But this is not quitting" ... Peter on switching tasks ... it's just trying to find something that we suck at, only less so.

"Hang on. Don't go!!! / I'm not going. He's going. You think I'm going to go?" ... Rob / Kim controlling their hynik ... the result would be Rob falling off the cart and hurting himself. Hmmm, maybe the hyniks can sense people's wants and desires.

"Our hynik ran away" ... Peter ... if he truly loves you, he'll come back. Just make sure it's not at a charge.

"If he runs away from us again, he's completely spooked and there's nothing we can do" ... Peter ... except quit of course ... sorry ... not quit, but just change tasks again.

"I cannot move on with you like this" ... Peter to Sarah ... funny, I would have thought the getting the hynik to move on would be more of a priority.

"I need you ... to be cool with me" ... Peter ... keep up the supportive/condescending tone, she'll be downright frosty with you.

"That thing has fire in its eyes, man" ... Peter on the hynik ... can you blame him? Not wanting to be on reality TV ... it's probably a dignity thing.

"Oh Jesus help me" ... Karlyn on tying the knots ... a little demanding of God, don't you think?. He already sent you a Guardian angel for navigating ... now you want a boy scout, too?

"Really, I want you to know that I wasn't yelling at you. I just didn't know how else to say it" ... Rob to Kim ... and when she starts punching you, know that she's not really punching you ... she just didn't know how else to beat the crap out of you.

"Rob needs to learn he can't talk to me that way regardless of what situation we're in" ... Kim ... until he does learn though, it might be best to avoid animal-driven carts for a while.

"Baby, you can only shoot your arrow once he says fire" ... Sarah ... but you can start running away after they start screaming "Fire ... Fire."

"Did you ever imagine that you'd be two legs into the race and be in first?" ... Phil to Peter and Sarah... and did you ever imagine the script writers would make Phil say a two legs line to the only amputee in the race?

"There's things I've learned about Peter, and I'm not too impressed with them. I make no judgments now" ... Sarah ... well, besides not being impressed with him.

"This is hard! / I know. I'm not saying anything" ... Kim / Rob on arrow firing ... best move you've made all day, Rob. Coaching an angry girlfriend with a weapon ... no good will come of that.
Of course, not seeing any other teams, locals, or even signs doesn’t exactly give you that warm fuzzy feeling, either.
"I don't see Lyn and Karlyn so I think that's a good sign" ... Kelly ... of course, not seeing any other teams, locals, or even signs doesn't exactly give you that warm fuzzy feeling, either.

"Yes, we're idiots" ... Kelly on heading the wrong way... good for you. The first step to recovery is admitting that you have a problem.

"In this race I had to learn to rely on Kelly and she needed to learn to rely on me" ... Jamie ... unfortunately, both of them needed to learn to rely less on their core navigational instincts.

 

Commentary

Everyone always seems to go to "Outer" Mongolia. Does "Inner" Mongolia have some sort of inferiority complex or are they just trying to hide something?

Note to Dustin and Kandice: if everyone on the first bus goes by their regular names but they call you the Barbies, maybe you need to step up your game a bit.

Will Peter's money making schemes gradually involve giving Sarah a little hat and cup?

With Kelly and Jamie gone, who will the cab drivers of the world find to wildly applaud in their car?

It was nice to see that Gandalf from the Lord of the Rings has since found work handing out clues at Mongolian temples.

Kudos to David and Mary ... they've gone from knowing no Asians, to befriending them, and finally letting one ride in their car. Another day or so, they'll be debating whether Szechwan or Cantonese cooking is better.

After their car stalled on the hill and panic set in, how long did it take Kelly and Jamie to think of the novel idea of trying to restart the car?

That was a pretty deep hole David and Mary sunk into. Any deeper, and Dave would be able say hello to his coal mining buddies in Kentucky.

Just how captivating must the Mongolian forests be if Kim can't avoid a low branch at a slow trot?

Afterwards, do you think the horses were giving themselves a high hoof for giving Kim and Dustin an extra special ride?

Do you think that when humans give an animal a name like "hynik," that nature automatically compensates for this by giving them horns and making them aggressive?

Life on the road must be boring for the nomads if they have nothing better to do than to create elaborate knot systems.
The Amazing Race is one of the few shows not on FOX where it’s perfectly acceptable to hear the phrase “Hold those jugs” and not face various lawsuits.
The Amazing Race is one of the few shows not on FOX where it's perfectly acceptable to hear the phrase "Hold those jugs" and not face various lawsuits.

In the battle between charging hynik and male models, who would you cheer for?

If those jeeps were any example of Russian technology, the Cold war nuclear threat was the biggest bluff in history.

Those jeeps may have been temperamental, but having a crank to restart the car is a lot easier than finding a stranger with jumper cables.

The Hotel Mongolia might not have all the amenities, but when's the last time you've been to a Holiday Inn with its own flammable archery field?