Amazing Race Rants

Amazing Race Rant - Episode 1

"This is Seattle, Washington. The largest city in the Pacific Northwest" ... Phil ... and quite possibly the only city in the Pacific Northwest anyone can name.

"From this thriving metropolis known as the Emerald City" ... Phil ... no doubt where the Wonderful Wizard of Starbucks lives and Munchkins come in tall, grande, and venti sizes.

"He builds artificial limbs for a living, so as a woman, it's incredibly attractive that he can take care of me in a way most men can't" ... Sarah ... he's definitely a special guy. Most guys never got past the lamp section of shop class.

"Sarah's really the first woman I trust with my heart" ... Peter ... seems that their relationship is built solely on the exchange of body parts.

"Our religion comes first in reference to the race. There's no question we will pull over and take 5 minutes and pray" ... Bilal ... here's hoping that some of those prayers include that the others teams stay more than 5 minutes behind them.

"I'd like to see how he (Rob) works under pressure and making decisions for both of us"... Kimberly ... just so he can get that whole decision making thing out of his system now.

"Kimberly wants everything her way. She can't control me." ... Rob ... Control you ... maybe not. Make you wish you had agreed with her in the first place ... oh yeah.

"I'm a human being. She needs to learn that" ... Rob ... boy, this relationship's "Getting to know each other" phase has some definite gaps to fill in.
Screw common interests and trust ... a true friend is the one who constantly wants to beat you at something.
"Kandice is one of the most competitive people I've met in my life and I think that is the glue of our friendship" ... Dustin ... Screw common interests and trust ... a true friend is the one who constantly wants to beat you at something.

"Being a coal miner, I feel like we are tougher than most people" ... David ... most people battle traffic going to work ... he battles a mountain.

"It's dangerous. I'm under stress. I'm fearing for my life" ... David on coal mining ... so naturally, to get it away from all that, he chooses to go on an adventure race around the world.

"I think when people look at my brother, and especially me, they say he's a meathead" ... Erwin ... just not to their faces. Meatheads usually have short tempers.

"I don't think there will be a problem the two of us can't solve" ... Godwin ... but to be safe, let's work on finding the airport first before the bragging begins truly begins.

"It's been a while since Lauren and I spent real quality time together" ... Duke ... and unless you count sleeping in airports and on streets, it still going be a while.

"There's just a teeny bit of disappointment as a father looking at Lauren" ... Duke ... and there's just a teeny bit of annoyance as a daughter watching him say this on national TV.

"Being on the Amazing Race would enable us to get all that adventure out of our system before we have kids" ... Arti ... having kids, of course, being a rather tame and non-adventurous experience.

"You could put us in a cardboard box and we would find a way to have fun" ... Kelly ... keep up that perkiness and the other teams might want to test out that theory before the end of the race.

"We both have a personality that we could have a conversation with a doorknob" ... Jamie ... wonder how long they kept that up before they realized the doorknob wasn't talking back.

"Tyler and James ... recovering drug addicts and models from California" ... Phil ... oddly enough, they go to support groups for both.

"James and I have learned through addiction that we have a fight in us that just won't give up" ... Tyler ... well, that and a bad recurring case of the munchies.

"Though sometimes I wish someone would come and kill this spider" ... Karlyn on being a single mom ... certainly going to make any tarantula roadblocks all the more interesting.

"Now you may think you know this race and how to play the game" ... Phil ... that's a safe bet, unless all the teams just decided to show up in the park and spontaneously race around the world.

"but I'm here to tell you that in this race, there will be surprises you never expected" ... Phil ... that's kind of what makes them surprises, now, isn't it? God, just don't let it be Rob and Amber.

"Allah is the greatest" ... Sa'eed ... fair enough, but it's still kind of discouraging that Muhammad Ali has been lying to everybody all these years.

"We just got to get on this flight to the homeland ... but we're not Chinese" ... Erwin ... kind of loses that emotional impact when the trip to find your roots brings you to the country next door. Kind of like going home for Thanksgiving and eating at the neighbours.

"Excuse me. Can you tell us how to get to the airport?" ... Tyler ... once again, teams head into the race with the brave notion that they won't actually be flying anywhere.

"This is a nice car. Wouldn't mind having one of these" ... Rob ... and so begins the product placement endorsements. If Rob starts mentioning mileage or the five-year warranty, there's got to be cue card on the steering wheel

"We didn't get over!!! Please look for the signs, baby" ... Rob ... can't you see I'm too busy driving and admiring the interior of this luxury SUV?

"Remember what I said about people from Alabama in China. They like us because of the movie Forrest Gump" ... Karlyn ... it's on every peasant's "Must see when the state allows me to get a TV" list.

"Mary, I need directions to the airport. / Well, I don't have a map, so how do you expect me to do it?" ... David / Mary ... not sure, but I'm sure you'll angrily think of something soon. Dave's better off just sticking his head out the window and watching for planes.

"We're going another way, right? Maybe this is faster than 5 but I don't think so" ... Mary ... for a person without a map, she's certainly developed an opinion on the highways of Seattle pretty quickly.

"Where we come from, the man makes all the decisions and the wife just sits over and takes care of the kids" ... Mary ... and depending on who you ask, it's either a male fantasyland or a Jerry Springer show in the making.

"He just needs to see on this race, we're going to be 50-50" ... Mary ... just make sure that's not 50% he's right and the other 50% you're wrong.

"My mom would love me for this" ... Dustin on weaving in traffic ... ranking right behind graduation and marriage, having your child learn to avoid rush hour traffic is the proudest moment in a parent's life.

"So you're like friends or something. / Well, I'm Miss California and this is Miss New York" ... Mary / Dustin ... now Mary's going to be stuck listening to them trying to out-answer themselves on "Why I believe I can make the world a better place by being on the Amazing Race."

"Rental car return. / What are you talking about rental car return?" ... Rob / Kimberly ... if this is the right spot, the producers are getting pretty cheap having the racers have to return their own rental cars. Wonder if they'll hit the camera guy up for the gas money.

"Thrifty is a rental car company, sweetheart. / Is it? I didn't know that." ... Rob / Kimberly ... in a weird twist, Budget and Avis rental cars have just found their new spokesmodel.

"What?? Am I supposed to know that? / Yeah!!!" ... Kimberly / Rob on Thrifty ... it's common knowledge, Kim. Kinda of like knowing that Thrifty Parking Lot has to mean the parking lot at Thrifty rent-a car, right, Rob?

"And if you yell at me like that again ! / I don't know where to go!" ... Kimberly / Rob ... annoy her again, Rob, and I have a funny feeling she'll be telling you where to go.

"What are y'all's relationship ... brother and sister or dating or what" ... Kelly on Duke and Lauren ... here's their chance to either play the flattered father/daughter team, or the far more interesting brother-and-sister/dating team. Never too early to mess with the other teams' heads.

"I've been trying to ask her out for years" ... Duke ... ironically enough, Duke just recently found out a second good reason why that would never happen.

"Oh, you don't shake hands? / No ... because of our religion" ... Kelly / Bilal ... not to mention the potential ass whooping waiting at home for getting too friendly with the cheerleaders.

"What if I shake your hand and you don't know it?" ... Kelly to Bilal ... well, then I'd just have to wonder why you don't have anything better to do with your time.
Boy, these two would make even diehard Buddhists want to smack them in the head. Maybe they need to confer with the doorknob again.
"Do Muslims believe in Buddha? / I don't know" ... Kelly / Jamie ... boy, these two would make even diehard Buddhists want to smack them in the head. Maybe they need to confer with the doorknob again.

"Are we boarding? / No she's pre-boarding because of the leg / That's no excuse" ... Tyler / James / Tyler ... a little rough. If they had their way, the leg would have to count as her only carry-on.

"We're going to be able to play that card in a lot of places" ... Peter on the disability card ... and wouldn't the world be a better place if everyone stopped seeing them as people with disabilities, and started seeing them as people with a lot of cards to play?

"She can run the Ironman, but she can't stand in line" ... Lyn ... a good point, but in all fairness, there aren't many lineups in the Ironman. She might not have trained for that.

"Being in China is very overwhelming. I've never been anywhere outside of Kentucky and Tennessee" ... Mary ... it's kind of the same thing, though, just with a little more neon, and a lot more Chinese take-out available.

"It's like dropping a 30-year-old baby into the world and telling them ‘Just go'" ... Mary ... that must have been after all the screams of birthing pain and calls for another bucket of epidural.

"We look like such tourists now. Everyone is checking us out" ... Kandice ... yeah, there's just something about blonde hair and cruising around with your own camera crew that just screams "out of towners."

"The girls from Alabama don't like us because we outran them" ... Peter ... well. who wouldn't be ticked about losing a foot race to a couple of tri-athletes?

"I am so sick of Peter and Sarah" ... Lyn ... guess all those long minutes of not talking to them really helped cement an opinion.

"One minute she's got a disability and the next moment she's fine, she can do anything" ... Lyn ... first time I've heard of a bi-polar leg disorder.

"Strange. It's a lot like Korea except more Chinese characters" ... Erwin on Beijing ... and by a strange co-incidence, more Chinese people, too.

"While alien to most Americans, this food is quite common in China" ... Phil on the fish eyes ... and until it is deep fried or has a "Mc" put in front of it, that's probably how it will stay.

"Oh my God, these things are gnarly" .. Peter on the fish eyes ... Peter seems to have found a set of fish eyes from circa 1982.

"Just eat and swallow. Don't chew" ... Sarah on the fish eyes ... not exactly the way to savour a delicacy, but at least he's assuring that his stomach will now have 20/20 vision.

"Do you know where the Forbidden City is?" ... Mary to cab driver ... lady, if you have to ask where it is, you probably don't belong there.

"This sucks. They really gained some time on us" ... Dustin on finding the restaurant ... wait till you check out the menu. The suck train will keep chugging along.

"This is the Forbidden City. It's a castle / It's Ninja-land" ... Tyler / James ... in a bold move of commercialism, the government appears to have opened up a Japanese theme park in the middle of the Forbidden City.

"Honey, the beards are here" ... Arti ... well. either Bilal and Sa'eed, some hungry dwarves, or ZZTop have just arrived at the restaurant.

"Two teams that were on the second plane ride passed us and that's really disheartening because we worked so long and so hard to be on the first plane ride" ... Dustin ... poor girls. It certainly did look like an exhausting and pressure filled 20 minute ride to the airport.

"I'm from Cleveland, Ohio. What do I know about chopsticks?" ... Bilal ... when we have our fish eyes in Cleveland, we always use a fork and that's how we like it.

"It just goes to show that you have no real control over anything. The creator does" ... Bilal ... and to a lesser extent, clue writers, taxi drivers, and editors do, too.

"Oh they've got helmets, cool" ... Karlyn on the motorcycles ... but unless they come with airbags and life insurance policies, that's where the coolness ends.

"In this detour, teams must choose between two things seen all over Beijing" ... Phil ... Dustin and Kandice's taxi cab and restaurants named "Gold."

"The choice ... labour or leisure" ... Phil ... when does a reality show stop being real? ... when all of sudden this normally simple decision actually has to be thought about.

"The task does not require hard physical labour but teams without the right skill and co-ordination could find themselves stuck here for a long time" ... Phil ... or at least until the other performers get tired of laughing so much and just go home.
It sounds far less condescending when he leaves the "Well, d'uh" part out.
"In this detour, teams must figure out that they must place the larger grey bricks around the border before the smaller red bricks"... Phil ... it sounds far less condescending when he leaves the "Well, d'uh" part out.

"I'm not that competitive with Peter because I know my own boundaries and limits" ... Sarah ... and since he's a key source of replacement parts, a "let him think he can beat me" philosophy isn't a bad one to have.

"Are we going in circles? / I don't know. Everything looks different and the same. That makes sense" ... Arti / Vipul ... sure it does ... as long as you are riding around on the island from Lost, or hunting the Blair Witch.

"It's like the blind leading the blind" ... Vipul ... or in the case of the motorcycle driver ... the blind leading the quickly-growing-more-annoyed.

"However, to gain access to the pit stop, teams must use a rope to scale up and over the wall" ... Phil ... barbarians couldn't do it 1000 years ago, so why not let some tourists from America give it a try.

"The last team here may be eliminated" ... Phil ... and you can visit what's left of their intact bones in the traction ward of Beijing General

"He tries to micro-manage so much" ... Lyn on Peter ... and it seems the only thing he's got to show for it is results.

"They can kiss my behind" ... Lyn on Peter and Sarah ...of course. for that to happen, you'd actually have to be ahead of them.

"Yeah I think the model boys are attractive. They're dangerous" ... Kandice ... they are the bad boys of the California modeling circuit ... I guess that's sorta, kinda dangerous-like.

"99.9% of the time I'm in love with this relationship. The 1 percent that I'm not is when we take tones with each other" ... Rob ... and add another 1 percent for when she laughs her ass off at me using the term "take tones with each other."

"Hey, don't throw them. / I'm sorry" ... Rob / Kimberly on the bricks ... is she sorry for throwing them, or that her aim wasn't better and Rob is still conscious?

"Peter could be the great love of my life" ... Sarah ... to have her forever, all he needs to do is to propose ... and maybe offer an extended warranty on her leg.

"I'm not using any of the loops ... okay, maybe I should actually" ... Tyler on rope climbing ... Tyler finds out that the loops have a special purpose, besides improving the feng shui look of the rope.

"Now I've got to do it. I'm gonna look like a ding-a-ling here" ... Peter on rope climbing ... Sorry, Peter. Actually using the term "ding-a-ling" means that ship has already sailed.

"Am I wrong coming across? / You check yours! I'm not your slave!" ... David / Mary ... with superb communication and teamwork like this, it's a wonder why Dave even considered his back-up teammate choice ... a lump of coal from the mine.
Hope Kelly has to chance to figure out the whatever, since believe it or not, the Great Wall has a few thousand miles of whatevers to check out.
"Take a taxi to the pitstop ... the Great Wall and find ... whatever" ... Kelly ... hope Kelly has to chance to figure out the whatever, since believe it or not, the Great Wall has a few thousand miles of whatevers to check out.

"Just like cheerleading. Step up girls" ... Jamie on rope climbing ... ah, there's many a time when I tune in and watch the football half time show just to see the cheerleaders give a rock climbing or rappelling demo.

"Why don't you hug your husband? Okay, hug everybody" ... Phil to Mary ... the pecking order seems to go from Phil, to the Great Wall guard, to Dave. Luckily there wasn't another team hanging around the mat or Dave would never have gotten on onscreen hug.

 

 

Commentary

The teams used seaplanes to arrive this season. If the show lasts for many more seasons, they may have to opt for having teams carpool to the starting line.

You have to hand it to Tyler and James. Not only are they recovering drug addicts, but they had the presence of mind to get photographed stoned and keep those shots in an album somewhere for later use.

Taking a page from Tyler and James's book, I've decided to change my work title to be "Hates Brussels Sprouts - Business Analyst." Not the same ring as "Recovering Drug Addict - Male Model," but it gets the point across.

Congrats goes to Duke for carrying on the tradition of somebody always wiping out after the starting gun.

You can say many things about the Mercedes SUV, but "coal miner friendly" is not one of them.

If it takes two people to put the Mercedes SUV in gear, maybe it's time for the designers to hit those drawing boards again.
Do beauty queens have to show their passports at the airport, or would their title sashes serve as enough ID? Can't be that many Miss New York's flying around.
Do beauty queens have to show their passports at the airport, or would their title sashes serve as enough ID? Can't be that many Miss New York's flying around.

As educated as Erwin and Godwin are, perhaps bringing water guns to the airport was not one of their smarter moves. You have to know the security guards are just raring to perform some Ivy League cavity searches.

Fish eyes: a delicacy ... or a unique method of performing a homeopathic Chinese endoscopy?

I know Vipul and Arti are close, but to have him eat the fish eyes and her get sick is maybe just too close a bond.

After seeing the demonstration of traditional brick laying methods as interpreted by the teams, it's probably lucky for all of China they weren't around to build the original Great Wall. We might be ordering out for some good Barbarian take-out otherwise.

Peter was certainly encouraging Sarah at the Great Wall. Perhaps Sarah should pay back the favour by encouraging Peter in the future to pick the right damn staircase

Glad to see the locals were taking such a keen interest in the detour challenge. Of course, whether they were watching for the brick laying or just to pickup the latest Kentucky cuss words is anybody's guess.