The ATC Report

“In Control” – Vol. IX, No. 11

Lately we’ve heard some grumblings about our column. There have been a couple of folks who have implied that we really don’t write about The Amazing Race at all. They say that the only reason we even get to write is that we are former Racers and that if anyone else tried to submit the pap we publish, they would be resoundingly rejected. They even go so far as to claim that we couldn’t write a recap of an episode of TAR if we tried.
To that we respond, “Oh yeah? You want a Race recap, mister? We’ll show you a Race recap.”
To that we respond, “Oh yeah? You want a Race recap, mister? We’ll show you a Race recap.”

This leg began (oddly enough) at the same place the last leg ended: near Darwin, Australia. The first team to leave was Ray & Yolanda, who opened their clue to discover that they were headed to Thailand. On the way to their car, they left a pair of Yolanda’s pants on BJ & Tyler’s car. Since Phil took all of the hippie’s possessions except the clothes on their backs at the conclusion of last leg, BJ was beginning the leg without any pants or shoes. (This fact would be repeated ad nauseam throughout the leg.) Hot on the heels of Ray & Yolanda came Eric & Jeremy (who left a pair of flip-flops for BJ), Joseph & Monica (who left nothing but scorn), and finally BJ & Tyler.

Teams all headed for the Darwin airport to book flights to Thailand. Ray & Yolanda discovered that the first flight went via Sydney and would arrive at 11:00 P.M. Soon all the other Racers were at the airport attempting to book the same flight—except for BJ & Tyler, who for reasons unknown decided to head back into Darwin and beg for money before booking their tickets. This plan would backfire on them, as the flight the other three teams were on sold out while they were . . .

Hold on here. Is anyone still reading this crap? This is completely and 100% boring! No wonder we never write Race recaps! Didn’t you all watch the freaking show? Then you already KNOW what happened. Why do you need us to tell you about it? You know what you do need us to tell you about? This:

Steve & Dave Present Real Answers To Fake Questions From Real TARflies Posters

Stan Dreamery writes: “Hey, don’t you think that you guys were a little hard on the guy who won your first contest? I think you should have given him the prize. Just my opinion. You guys are the greatest.”

“Stan”: Hey, we know how to use the internet anagram server, too . . . Ryan DeMaster! Nice fake name, but we aren’t falling for it, and you are still disqualified, only now it’s for a full year!!! That’s right, no prizes from Steve & Dave for a year, Ryan/Stan.

miri wonders: “Lately I’ve heard some grumblings about your column. There have been a couple of folks who have implied that you really don’t write about The Amazing Race at all. They say that the only reason you even get to write is that you’re former Racers and that if anyone else tried to submit the pap you publish, they would be resoundingly rejected. They even go so far as to claim that you couldn’t write a recap of an episode of TAR if you tried. I think you could, but could you please try to meet the deadline?”

miri: Your whole letter sounds very familiar to us, almost as if we had heard it somewhere before. In any event, Steve & Dave don’t do recaps. We tried one recently, and they suck.

JenEx says: “Dear Steve & Dave . . . excuse me for a second. I have to go to the bathroom.”

Chip of TAR5 stops by:Click here and here and here. But NOT here. Pretty funny, huh? I’ll stop by next week when clicking here will be activated. The Chipper of Chip & Kim and Chip & Kim” Chip: Thanks for stopping by. We still love you guys. Tribefan asks: “Those maps you guys put in sometimes are pretty hilarious. Where do you get the ideas for them?”

Tribefan: Do you actually watch the show, or are you just another Steve & Dave groupie (not that there’s anything wrong with being a Steve & Dave groupie)? We get the ideas for the maps from the show, of course. Most of the time, we buy them from—well, let’s just call our source “Bertram” (which is definitely not our source Bertram’s real name)—someone who still happens to work for World Race Productions. Those things are real; we couldn’t publish them if they weren’t! Look, here’s the original planning map for last leg’s Detour, with the producer’s notes still in place:

JenEx tries once more: “Dear Steve & Dave, I just wanted . . . Oh . . . I gotta pee AGAIN!”

whereverthefk states: “You two guys won’t make me laugh THIS column. I’ve got a sure-fire method of . . . oh look! ‘Ferry dock’ and ‘Fairy dock’ . . . bwahahahahahahaha!”

whereverthefk: Yeah, we know. We put it there just for you.

Mailman Jamie inquires: “Hey, I’ve been thinking about this whole Christmas card thing. You guys aren’t gonna mail it to me, are you? Because, well . . . that would really increase my workload, and I’m not so sure that I would appreciate it. I think you two guys are intentionally trying to piss me off, and that makes me want to . . . ”

Mailman Jamie: Calm down, dude. Step away from the Uzi. Everything is going to be all right. You can ask anyone. We haven’t sent out a Christmas card in years. It’s just a meaningless threat. Really.

Ryan DeMaster wants to know: “OK, I’ve said nice things about you. Can I have my prize now?”

Ryan/Stan: Want to try for a two-year ban? Keep it up.

RachelRSL whines: “I have to stay home from ANOTHER TARcon because those assholes made me work another eight-day week. So I was going to placate myself with another Steve & Dave gem and THIS is the best you’ve got??! Great, now my faucet’s dripping, and I’m out of Frosted Flakes. Ouch, that shouldn’t hurt like that. The doctor is probably booked. Damn, it’s cold up here.”

Rachel: Glad we could make your day another winner. Now go buy some lottery tickets.

miri exclaims: “Squeee! Did you see those pandas inhale? Then they exhaled! I’m so happy! They are just TOO cute! Oooohhh, they did it AGAIN!”
Pandas have rabies and are responsible for over three dozen horrific maulings every year in China. They are also carriers of toxic bacteria, hoof and mouth, and mad panda disease.
miri: Stop it, stop it now. Pandas have rabies and are responsible for over three dozen horrific maulings every year in China. They are also carriers of toxic bacteria, hoof and mouth, and mad panda disease. Stop it.

JenEx gives it another shot:“Justwantedtoletyouknowifthiskid’saboyhisnamewillbeStevenDavid . . . gottago.”

MamaTiger claims: “When I was preggers with WhiteRabbit, I used duct tape to stem the ‘ahem’ flow. Why, once, PapaTiger made a life-size replica of the Sistine Chapel using only duct tape. That (of course) was when we lived in Tibet so we could look out our window to see the detail.”

MamaTiger: Did not, did not, did not.

Enough of the fake letters. Since this is the last episode of TAR9, it is time for us to make our picks to win the Race. Before we do, let us point something out. Back before the Race ever began, we printed this:

Bronze Medalists (i.e. “Welcome to Loser Lodge”): Fran & Barry, David & Lori, Lisa & Joni, Danielle & Dani, and Wanda & Desiree.

Silver Medalists (i.e. “Also Welcome to Loser Lodge, Just a Little Later”): John & Scott, Lake & Michelle, and BJ & Tyler.

Gold Medalists (i.e. “65,000 miles, 4 continents . . . ”): Ray & Yolanda, Joseph & Monica, and Eric & Jeremy.

Do you notice something there? That’s right, we called the top four even before the Race began. Sure, one of our top three actually finished in fourth place, but we came pretty darn close. Now it’s time for us to pick the winner. We’d recommend you bet the farm on our pick:

Steve: Zach & Flow first, Eric & Jeremy second, Ray & Yolanda third. Dave: Eric & Jeremy to win, Ray & Yolanda to finish second, and BJ & Tyler in third.