“In Control” – Vol. IX, No. 9
People, people, people. You should know by now that The Amazing Race employs a staff of Amazing Editors. These Amazing Editors can manipulate you into liking a particular team even though they are the scum of the earth (see: The Clowns), can make you despise a particular team even though said team has been compared favorably to Mother Theresa in real life (see: Jonathan and Victoria), and can make you forget a team even though they finished second overall in the closest race to the finish mat ever (see Clark and Eunice, TAR 3). In TAR 9, all the scenes of MoJo badmouthing the hippies that had formerly been relegated to the cutting room floor were suddenly left in the show for our last episode.
Let's just show you what we mean. Do you remember these scenes from TAR 4 - scenes that involved yours truly?
Steve & Dave…Running!
The picture you were never supposed to see - and the REAL result of TAR 4.
Of course you never saw them. Why not? Because that story wouldn't have been interesting enough. Face it - when you have a race that includes a gay couple who are married, the story of that race is going to be the gay couple. No one wants to see a race where two air traffic controllers leap into first via a Fast Forward in leg 2, and then use that advantage to lead the field by over a day for the rest of the Race. Thus, the film gets handed to the Amazing Editors and suddenly those ATCs are eliminated in leg 5. Even though the real leg 5 in TAR 4 was a non-elimination leg.
"He's gonna make him an offer he can...refuse." (Michael Corleone in The Godfather)
"...(M)y dear, I...give a damn." (Rhett Butler in Gone With The Wind)
Surely you can't be serious." "I am serious...Shirley." (Ted Stryker in Airplane)
"Dave, stop. Stop, will you? Stop, Dave. Will you stop, Dave? Stop, Dave. I'm afraid. I'm afraid, Dave. Dave, my mind is going. I can feel it. I can feel it. My mind is going. There is no question about it." (Steve...in Working with Dave)
Or how about these lines from history - would they have made the same impact if the Amazing Editors had been in charge?
"I am...a crook" (Richard Nixon)
I did...have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky." (Bill Clinton)
"That's...one giant leap..." (Neil Armstrong, first step on the moon)
"Four...years ago, our fathers...created...a civil war." (Abraham Lincoln, Gettysburg Address)
How about if the Amazing Editors were allowed free reign with George W. Bush's speeches/comments?
"There's an old saying in Tennessee - I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee - that says, fool me once, shame on - shame on you. Fool me - you can't get fooled again." (Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002)
"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." (Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004)
"I just want you to know that, when we talk about war, we're really talking about peace." (Washington, D.C. June 18, 2002)
"I wish you'd have given me this written question ahead of time so I could plan for it...I'm sure something will pop into my head here in the midst of this press conference, with all the pressure of trying to come up with answer, but it hadn't yet...I don't want to sound like I have made no mistakes. I'm confident I have. I just haven't, you just put me under the spot here, and maybe I'm not as quick on my feet as I should be in coming up with one." (Bush, after being asked to name the biggest mistake he had made, Washington, D.C., April 3, 2004)
"People don't need to worry about security. This deal wouldn't go forward if we were concerned about the security for the United States of America." (commenting on the deal to hand over U.S. port security to a company operated by the United Arab Emirates, Washington, D.C., Feb. 23, 2006)
"Those who enter the country illegally violate the law." (Tucson, Ariz., Nov. 28, 2005)
OK, we admit that the Bush quotes were untouched. The Amazing Editors wouldn't have to do a thing - they're funny enough (or is it sad enough?) on their own.
So in our ongoing efforts to enlighten you, the Race fans, we have once again insulted CBS - further damaging any potential for a sitcom. Perhaps even putting us in possible lawsuit danger. We thereby propose a "Steve and Dave Could Get Sued So We'd Better Have Some Money For an Attorney" fund*. Please give generously so the "behind the scenes of your favorite show" continues to flow. (For those of you worried that insulting the President of the U.S. could also get us in trouble, fear not. We figure Dubya is too dumb to know we were insulting him.)
* In the unlikely event litigation is NOT brought against Steve and Dave, all "Attorney Funds" will be used to purchase VIP seats for the latest Cirque Du Soleil.