Amazing Race Rants

Amazing Race Rant - Episode 6


"This is Sicily. An island of the coast of Italy" ... Phil ... and with the presence of Reality TV, it helps explain why Italy is kicking it.

"Sajesta. An ancient city that was destroyed 2300 years ago by the Vandals" ... Phil ... it's hard to tell whether being the site of a Vandal rampage or the site for contestants to build plastic statues is the greater tragedy in the city's life.

"The Vandals ... a tribe whose name ultimately became synonymous with destruction" ... Phil ... much like Reality TV, whose name has ultimately become synonymous with the destruction of reality.

"Can Lake and Michelle control their bickering and fight their way out of the bottom?" ... Phil ... they're halfway there. The control might be tough to achieve, but they've got the fight part down cold.

"And will Ray and Yolanda capitalize on how well they've been working together to get out of last place?" ... Phil ... possibly, but there can't be that many more 110 lb church bells to move on Sicily.

"Drive to the city of Catalina" ... BJ on Catania ... a unique quirk in the Italian language, that apparently not only are the L's silent but they're also invisible.

"All right man. Let's drive to that town that we can't pronounce" ... Tyler ... for their sake, let's hope they either meet a friendly local, or have some maps laid out phonetically.

"Those frat guys are nice, but we feel this is more our game than their game" ... Tyler ... they are experienced travelers, but what kind of strange Renaissance Men would call Gnome hunting, laundry searching, and statue building "their game."
Experience in running from temples at 2 am heading to an unpronounceable city? These guys must have some really cool life stories to tell.
"We've done a lot of traveling and we have a lot of experience in situations like this" ... Tyler ... experience in running from temples at 2 am heading to an unpronounceable city? These guys must have some really cool life stories to tell.

"They're definitely dumb. But people who are very dumb wind up having the best luck a lot of the time" ... BJ ... sounds like a good enough reason as any to drop out of school, take the tuition money, and head for Vegas.

"But eventually dumb luck runs out" ... BJ ... sadly that's when annoying and impossible luck usually starts up.

"So yeah man. If you just follow this route, it will take us right to Catina, Catania, the Star Wars Cantina" ... BJ ... once there, teams will have the choice of traveling by foot, car, or Millennium Falcon.

"As a valet and a waiter, we haven't traveled the world as much as the hippies" ... Eric ...their international experience mainly consists of parking German cars and occasionally getting Chinese takeout.

"When we all get together, they just run happily with smiles behind us. / With pixie dust flying off them" ... Jeremy / Eric ... they're just happy free-spirited people, but in case there's a drug test, maybe you shouldn't breathe in that "pixie dust" too deeply.

"It's no fun for us" ... Jeremy ... yes, the hippies' happy-go-lucky attitude is certainly ruining this race for everyone.

"Ok. I just murdered all those words" ... Monica on reading the clue ... murdered may not be entirely accurate. It's more like you beat the crap out of them until they finally begged for death and to be struck from the Italian language. But not murdered.

"I'm definitely proud of Monica. She's been carrying us through this race, too" ... Joseph ... just not when there are heavy church bells involved.

"I think there's a lot of strengths that I realize I have that I didn't exactly know I had" ... Monica ... hopefully she's not counting pronouncing city names as one of them.

"We need to find somebody" ... Joseph on finding Catania ... yeah, those people are called map salesmen. They do come in handy when trying to drive places.

"Here it is 5 in the morning and you stop somebody in the middle of nowhere. In the US, there is no way in hell I'd stop. I'd think I was going to get murdered" ... Joseph ... it's not that bad, Joseph. Sometimes they only want your wallet or your car instead.

"When we first got married, Barry went to Vietnam" ... Fran ... as honeymoon spots go, it wasn't exactly Niagara Falls.

"You could be lovers or companions, but I think being best friends has really cemented our relationship" ... Barry ... they're the epitome of the whole friends with privileges philosophy.

"You have $63 dollars for this leg of the race. / We have $61 / We're short" ... Lake / Michelle / Lake ... and the three people that will be most pissed at missing the $2 are Lake, Michelle, and the cabbie that's about to get stiffed a tip.

"Michelle and I are disappointed about where we're at right now" ... Lake ... if Sicily is that depressing, you could always try Russia again.

"But we have made a couple of major mistakes" ... Lake ... listening to Lake must have been one of them ... the other is probably sleeping through their high school German class.

"We bicker. We fight. But we move through those moments" ... Michelle ... and onto bigger and louder moments.

"It's more of a snag than a tear" ... Michelle on bickering ... coupled with short stabbing pains in the brain.

"Sleep deprivation is really starting to irritate me" ... Lake ... and in Lake's generous nature, this irritation is being shared with everyone within earshot.

"I'm getting' over it. I'm getting cheered up" ... Lake ... good for him, but a happy dentist is still a creepy thing.

"I can tell that you're okay with it. It sounds just like you are" ... Michelle ... so what exactly does the calm before the storm sound like?

"We're going to approach the next leg as energetic and positive as possible" ... Dave ... at least until they hit their first hill to climb, then it's every nerd for themselves.

"We just got to put one foot in front of the other. Keep on truckin'" ... Lori ... and possibly think up some more catch phrases or clichés along the way.

"Once we get on it (the autostrata), you've got to drive like you mean it" ... Lori ... no more of this fake, making car sounds with your mouth, kind of driving.
Itís just too bad there arenít any medals given out for ďextreme bravery in bell carrying, in the face of insurmountable staircases.Ē
"He's not saving children or saving anybody's life, but it shows incredible strength of character" ... Yolanda on Ray ... it's just too bad there aren't any medals given out for "extreme bravery in bell carrying, in the face of insurmountable staircases."

"I feel myself getting choked up, unnecessarily" ...Yolanda ... imagine if he did something really amazing, like parallel parking.

"Do you think those guys just made the list? / No way, man. It says official" ... Tyler / BJ on Eric & Jeremy's list thoughts ... how likely is it that Eric & Jeremy will realize that most official documents are not written with a Bic on scrap paper.

"It's a beautiful old city. I see a fabulous statue ahead, without a head" ... Barry ... either it's a really old statue or it's Catania's tribute to the frustrated rush-hour traffic commuter

"It's going to be hard to sell fish in the morning" ... Tyler ... well, maybe not in a fishing village. Nothing starts a fisherman's morning like a bowl of Frosted Fish Flakes.

"Do you recognize any signs? / I don't even see a street sign. What am I supposed to recognize?" ... Lake / Michelle ... the best two landmarks to look for are either route markers or other teams pointing, laughing, and driving the other way

"What's that thing right there? / School bus / Dang" ... Lake / Michelle / Lake ... in Lake's defense, it is yellow with a bit of red, but the ancient people probably never considered building their teatros on mechanized vehicles

"When I drive, I operate on the premise of you do what you do, they do what they do, and everybody will be okay" ... Yolanda ... works fine until what they do includes running that red light. Then what you do is stare into an air bag.

"So you can drive as fast as you want" ... Yolanda ... sounds good. What court would dare convict Ray after he presents the famous "you do / they do" defense?

"Count the heads on the fence posts. / Okay. Heads? / Like the heads on the fence posts" ... Monica / Joseph / Monica ... in fact it is just like the heads on the fence posts. Not sure if Joseph is having more trouble with the concept of heads, fenceposts, or how they can be together when it's not Halloween.

"Hey buddy, what's your name? Do you come here often? ... Tyler to the fish ... actually it's my first time in town, and dignity-wise, it's not going so well so far.

"I feel like I'm holding a wet cat" ... BJ on fish carrying ... with the big differences being not as much growling, and swordfish claws are a lot less painful

"Oh my gosh. It's puking on me" ... Jeremy on the fish ... well, with all the bumping up and down, the poor fish probably just got a little land sick.

"It actually feels good after awhile. Like an ice pack" ... Tyler ... the new Swordfish pack ... it promises to keep you both pain-free and date-free for as long as you wear it.

"Can I carry 30 pounds? / Yeah. We're only going a third of a mile" ... Monica / Joseph ... if you get tired, you can always just drag it for awhile. Just be sure to stay ahead of the herd of stray cats behind you.

"There's something awfully fishy about this place" ... Tyler ... can't decide if there's more fish in this place, or more corn in that joke.

"Bloody fish Barbie" ... Tyler on Monica post fish hug ... not sure if there is much of market for that doll outside of lonely fishermen. Maybe if it came with the Peg-legged Whaler Ken doll, it would be a bigger hit.

"Count the heads on the fence posts. On the fence posts. On the fence posts" ... Barry ... to Barry's dismay, the fence posts bare a striking similarity to clue boxes.

"Just go. Screw them. / See ya later" ... Eric / Jeremy on abandoning the hippies ... apparently if you don't fall into the cute girl category, alliances with Eric and Jeremy last for about the length of the parking lot.

"Hello! Hello! / He's not going to answer you" ... Fran / Barry on calling the groundskeeper ... he's just a little shy. Maybe a nice "bon giorno" will open him up.

"You have to go find him out there somewhere. He's on the ground. Grounds ... Keeper" ... Barry ... that's a relief. Accepting a clue from a guy in a tree or just floating around is never a good thing

"Hey. Let's have fun. Let's sell fish" ... Barry ... hearing this leads one to think that somehow Barry's idea of a good time on a date might not be everybody's cup of tea.

"I can't believe it's bumper to bumper. / Well, it's a town of 400,000 people / And they're all right here!" ... Lake / Michelle / Lake ... actually Lake, only about half of them are here. The rest are right behind you honking their asses off.

"Can't you just ask somebody instead of us running around like chickens with their heads cut off?" ... Lori ... with Dave and Lori, doing both may not be out of the question either.
Itís only stopping for directions, Dave. The day you are sent shopping for feminine hygiene products is the day you truly become whipped.
"I can't believe you're doing this to me" ... Dave on having to stop for directions ... it's only stopping for directions, Dave. The day you are sent shopping for feminine hygiene products is the day you truly become whipped.

"I'm glad that you're being unilateral in your decision-making" ... Lori ... c'mon Lori. It does cut down on the need to make small talk and you score a big "I'm sorry" present when he screws up. It's win-win.

"Do you notice when I talk to people, they just say ‘no'?" ... Ray ... just for fun, Yolanda should say "no." It will either give Ray a chance to smile, or to get used to hearing no ... both have value.

"Fish guts. Fish juice. It's like all over me" ... Monica ... careful, Monica. In a port town, girls saying stuff like that is borderline soft porn to fishermen and sailors.

"Joseph! / What! What do you want!" ... Monica / Joseph ... if it was to give him a kiss, a hug, or a simple "I love you," I'm guessing that boat has sailed big time.

"This is the worst thing I've done" ... Monica on being lost in the market ... the upcoming swordfish sushi roadblock probably isn't going to make things any better.

"Come on, just tough it out for a minute ... Joseph to Monica ... it's not that hard to do. When you're carrying a swordfish in a market full of sardines, people will give you some space and respect.

"I'm gonna to stab one of these locals through the head" ... Joseph ... finally someone is taking the Jack Bauer approach to the Amazing Race. Wonder if the swordfish will get tried as an accomplice?

"Did we not ask that son-of-a-bitch if he was him?" ... Joseph ... maybe, but if some guy started waving around a swordfish asking for me, I might have denied it, too.

"Drive yourself to the town of ? and find the whatever" ... Joseph ... can we try it again? ... this time with feeling.

"I'm going to smell like a fish all damn day" ... Monica ... pity the poor fish. They have to smell like that all the time.

"I don't think that's going to happen" ... Barry on helping Lake ... oddly enough, that's just what Lake will say to Barry's request for Novocain on his next check-up

"Find something in the middle of friggin' nowhere, I'm a guessing" ... Lake on the clue contents ... better show the clue writers a little more respect, Lake. Who knows when they might start writing special clues in German just for you.

"You want to walk or drive? / It says on foot, ding-dong" ... Michelle / Lake ... as Michelle contemplates the drive / thump / drag option of getting Lake to the fish market

"Maybe they'll let me borrow some clothes" ... Monica on the passing girls ... not sure how exactly you would phrase that question to avoid getting slapped, propositioned, or arrested.

"What if this is not him and we're stealing his fish" ... Michelle ... a good question since most fish vendors in Sicily have a strict "buy it or you'll sleep with it" policy.

"You think this son-of-a-bitch is going to let us steal his fish?" ... Lake ... after the son-of-a-bitch crack, he probably not even going to let you borrow one. Maybe the special swordfish stuffed with rocks is the right one for you.

"I have a 3-year-old child who weighs 40 lbs. Surely I can carry a 35 lb swordfish" ... Michelle ... probably so. The swordfish might smell worse but there are far fewer complaints from it when you try to bend it around your neck.
With all that flying, Lake must be suffering from severe language lag. Speaking Russian canít be too far behind.
"Hello / Ola / Not Ola/ I know. I'm speaking Spanish" ... stranger / Lake / Michelle / Lake ... speaking Spanish in Italy. With all that flying, Lake must be suffering from severe language lag. Speaking Russian can't be too far behind.

"I love this guy. / I'm going to give this guy a hug" ... Lori / Dave on their guide ... might want to play it safe and not let him know that till after you find the clue

"Shut. Listen. I'm overruling you." ... Lake to Michelle ... the judge has denied your motion, Michelle. The only thing left is to change your plea to "Not married by reason of insanity."

"Boy, did we ever get lucky on that. / No, I'm just very smart" ... Lake / Michelle ... she is smart, but it's letting Lake call all the shots that is probably keeping her out of MENSA.

"It's like a little work-out. Only thing is it's dripping" ... Ray on the fish ... kind of like Rocky Balboa's workout, only on a more disgusting and slimy level.

"The team member must join a professional kayak team and participate in an ongoing polo match" ... Phil ... and try very hard not to question why or how this became a professional sport.

"Let's go. Hurry up, Jeremy. Go score, ya pansy" ... Eric ... even if he does score, winning a game of kayak polo isn't going to help improve the pansy moniker.

"I'm going the wrong way. I don't know how to paddle" ... Barry ... wouldn't have thought paddling was that complicated. Is he spending too much time looking for the clutch in the kayak?

"I don't even know if he knows what he's doin'" ... Fran ... don't worry. He's dead sure that he doesn't know what he's doing. Just try to stop him before he drifts off to France.

"Give us some good news, Big Philly style" ... Jeremy to Phil ... well, the good news is if you keep calling me that, your imminent deaths will be quick and relatively painless.

"I have to tell you, you guys stink" ... Phil to Eric & Jeremy ... with the audience left to take that as far as they want to.

"It's a new cologne we're trying out. It's called Sword" ... Jeremy ... a cool name. The fishy smell no doubt inspired by their commitment and work ethics.

"He's pathetic" ... Fran on Barry ... oh sure, he was a great surgeon in Vietnam and all, but how important is that really, when compared to kayak polo skills?

"You've got to throw it now! / Lake, it's harder than you think" ... Lake / Michelle ... it's getting easier, though. Both teams are letting her get really close, just so she'll score and shut Lake the hell up.

"You don't want to have dinner with us?" ... Monica to Phil ... sure, as long as it's not seafood. Phil's lost his taste for it over the last few minutes

"May the force be with you" ... Lori to Dave on kayaking ... it's now a question on whether Dave will use the dark side of the force to sink all the other kayaks in order to score.

"If this is a non-elimination round, we're going to have wear fish clothes" ... Dave ... on the positive side, lines in the airport will just disappear when you come running.

"I will wash your clothes this evening" ... Dave to Lori ... is that for her benefit or his?

"Dave is the man of my dreams. I couldn't ask for a better partner in life" ... Lori ... and as long as you don't wake up screaming from those dreams, you've made the right choice.

"I love Lori with all my heart and you can't buy that with a million dollars. You really can't" ... Dave ... but you can get William Shatner to live in your house for a while. That's pretty damn good, too.

"Nerds rule" ... Dave ... except in navigating and foot races.



Phil was a little heavy on the history in his intro. Learning about the Vandals was good and all but it sounded like Phil's demo tape for the Discovery Channel

Note to BJ & Tyler: Stray dogs that you meet wandering around at 3 am aren't usually the friendliest sort. It was lucky that you didn't end up driving to the vet in Catania to get a retriever-ectomy performed.

Note to future racers: if you're going to attempt to fool other teams with fake signs, you need to bring two vital pieces of equipment with you ... red and yellow markers

I haven't seen too many groundskeepers that looked happy, but this is the first one I've seen that actually looked like a mortician. He must kill a lot of plants or something.

I'm personally amazed that anyone buys swordfish off that shopkeeper. That's has got to be the most annoying sales voice ever. Word of advice, sir ... hire a voice actor, make a CD, and just play it.

It was impressive to see Barry's high blood pressure go from zero to 60 faster than his car can.
Amazing Race staff should take a lesson from BJ and Tyler. With no tape or staples, their Team Sign-in note managed to stay up for the entire leg.
Amazing Race staff should take a lesson from BJ and Tyler. With no tape or staples, their Team Sign-in note managed to stay up for the entire leg.

I'm sure the local vendors appreciated the effort the teams made to speak with them in English but using Italian accents? That just screams cultural sensitivity.

Hopefully BJ and Tyler enjoyed the hug from Monica because it's the last one they'll be getting without soap and a firehose handy.

Ten seconds of Monica on air strutting down the street with the fish, and seafood consumption in the US went up 20%.

Was it more impressive that Ray and Yolanda finished the swordfish task quickly or that they were able to find their car again in the streets of Catania?

What are the odds that Barry tried three different words for fish and they were all wrong?

If Joseph and Monica were a little more entrepreneurial, they could have sold their swordfish to the wrong vendors they kept finding and just gone back for another fish. They could have made a little extra spending money for the leg and Trump would have hired them on the spot for doing it.

Congrats to Ray for being the only racer to not only capsize the boat but to attempt to score from 50 yards out

Would it be accurate to say that some of those swordfish would have preferred being mounted on someone's wall rather than being lugged through the streets by racers?

Did that guy Lake met in the maze just wake up this morning and say "I'm going to pretend to be a groundskeeper and really mess with the American tourists today"?

I'm hoping the professional kayak polo playoffs will be on TV soon. I hear the winner of the Eskimo/Inuit league is taking on Italy in the final.

It's nice to know that in his downtime on the finishing mat, Phil keeps busy by doing a little dancing. I would have been happier just knowing that rather than having to see it, though.