Amazing Race Rants

Amazing Race Rant - Episode 5


"This is Munich, Germany. Founded more than 1000 years ago by Benedictine monks" ... Phil ... and with the arrival of reality TV, they'll be cranking out a few more chants for sure.

"It is now one of the most important business centres in Europe, known for everything from banking to beer" ... Phil ... and if you combined the two, it would certainly make the loan application process a lot less painful.

"Will Lake and Michelle continue their momentum and stay at the front of the pack" ... Phil ... depending on how that goes, it'll make all the difference as to whether we hear more ‘babys' or more ‘dang its' on the leg.

"And will Dave and Lori's solid relationship keep them on track" ... Phil ... whatever track they take, there's sure to be a lot of love ... mixed in with some gasping, puffing, and probably some sweat too.

"We're in a great position because we're not over analyzing" ... Eric ... most likely the only ‘overs' they're used to are indulging and sleeping.

"We're just being idiots like normal" ... Jeremy ... never heard that said with so much pride before. The other teams must be proud to be losing to self-proclaimed idiots.
Okay the bottle breaking I can see, but in whose life does searching a field for gnomes fall into the normal stuff category?
"Competing, getting chicks, and doing the stuff we normally do, man" ... Jeremy ... okay the bottle breaking I can see, but in whose life does searching a field for gnomes fall into the normal stuff category?

"I hope the girls make it through. We're having a lot of fun with them" ... Eric ... for the couple of hours they seem to be overlapping at the pitstop that is. The poor performance of the girls sure is cutting into Eric and Jeremy's quality time with them.

"Hopefully they'll pull their heads out of their fine little assess" ... Eric ... said with such confidence, that it's tough to see where the encouragement starts and the insult ends.

"We both believe in Karma in terms of personal relationships with people" ... Tyler ... that means in the next life, they get to follow Eric and Jeremy instead.

"By using humour, we get people to want to help us" ... Tyler ... or do anything to quickly be rid of you. It's hard to separate the humour and the terror when approached by hippies with a camera crew.

"Michelle is navigating. She still has room to grow there" ... Lake ... while Lake is the team motivator. He still has room to grow there.

"I think Michelle could do better mentally" ... Lake ... for some reason, she is continually plagued by a headache whenever Lake speaks.

"There's been a time or two where she's been right and three or four times when I've been right" ... Lake ... luckily we're not getting into the wrongs list ... Lake's book could take awhile.

"I'm still the leader of this team" ... Lake ... given that Michelle's other choice is to try and lead Lake around, she's probably chosen the easier of the two evils.

"Airport's straight ahead bro. / Planes here" ... Eric / Jeremy ... good to double check Jeremy. You never know when someone might have put fake airport signs on the highway.

"Do you girls have hickeys? Was somebody kissing you? Is that why you have scarves around your necks" ... Eric to flight agents ... With the girls countering with "Are you guys still in high school? Is that why you think this is clever?"

"You're so sweet and so helpful" ... Eric to flight agents ... not to mention patient, understanding and probably pretty tired. It's the only explanation why Eric and Jeremy aren't flying in the cargo hold to Siberia for their hickey comment.

"It's stupid to sit there and waste time ... playing in wheelchairs. Dumb asses" ... Michelle ... in their defense, they did try standing up first, but the chairs didn't roll as well.

"I say we do the obstacle course" ... Eric ... in another episode of "Sports you hope you'll never see at the Paralympic games"

"I'll do the clicker. You do the typer" ... Tyler ... guys, there are some things that you don't need to do as a team. Working a computer is one of them. Still if you're tossing around technical terms like clicker and typer, maybe two people isn't enough.

"Michelle are you telling you've been sitting around here and didn't book the 6:30 flight and now it's full" ... Lake ... yeah Michelle. At least Lake was being productive during this time ... what with all his pacing and stewing.

"I'd like it better if you just handled it. / I can't do the internet" ... Michelle / Lake ... makes you wonder if the most high tech aspects of Lake's dental office are the bottle of whiskey and the string to tie around your tooth for yanking.

"Each leg we are learning more about what mistakes we've made previously and how to repair them" ... Fran ... with practice and experience now, Fran and Barry are committed to walking right by the clue boxes a maximum of 3 times only.

"We're going to be out there trying as hard as we can and that's what's going to carry us higher up the ladder" ... Barry ... actually succeeding is what will carry you up the ladder, but trying is a good first step.
That’s sweet, Dave, but since Hallmark doesn’t have a good “we’re in love” card that covers washing trolleys, facing the wall of death, and smashing bottles over your head, maybe next time, you should say it with flowers.
"This race has been solid proof that we are deeply in love" ... Dave ... that's sweet, Dave, but since Hallmark doesn't have a good "we're in love" card that covers washing trolleys, facing the wall of death, and smashing bottles over your head, maybe next time, you should say it with flowers.

"We've been approaching the race one leg at a time and not really focused too much on the competition" ... Dave ... might be a good time to start though, since having competitors is kind of what makes it a race rather than a vacation.

"Making decisions on behalf of Joseph and myself feels really good" ... Monica ... to you maybe. For Joseph, it's meant bitten down finger nails, and a graying of the hair.

"People look at me and think that I'm a dumb blonde" ... Monica ... at least until I open my mouth to end all debate.

"I'll use the dumb blonde and the ditz to my advantage because I'm not stupid" ... Monica ... it's a role she plays so well, no one will ever believe it's an act.

"Hopefully we'll get on it. Otherwise we're idiots" ... Eric on the early flight ... but that's normal right? Who knew that being an idiot sometimes isn't an advantage?

"We could be on the plane right at the start. / Ok, can you read German?" ... Lake / Michelle ... about as well as he can speak Spanish. Oddly enough, the only German he remembers from those Hogan's Heroes reruns was Dunkoff

"She's a doctor's wife. She shouldn't be acting like that" ... Lake on Fran's mad waving off ... then again, if you're going to act crazy like that, it's handy to have a doctor husband available just in case Lake's broken nose needs setting.

"She has her own way of thinking. She has her own mind. That's what I really respect" ... Ray on Yolanda ... lucky for Ray she has her own mind, since the role of dumb blonde is already taken on this race.

"We need tickets to Palomino" ... Joseph to flight agent ... not a problem, sir. We have a connecting flight through Pinto and Mustang, but there will be a slight layover in Clydesdale.

"We're going to take our time. And maybe slow and steady will win us the next leg" ... Danielle ... what the hell ... fast and clueless hasn't been doing too well so far.

"It was good to see the frat boys, even though we're going to beat them" ... Tyler ... operating under the assumption that happy positive karma must cancel out the negative destructive kind.

"Michelle you must have looked at the wrong gate. / No I didn't / Cause they're (the racers) going way down there" ... Lake / Michelle / Lake ... and they seem to be laughing ... and waving ... and boarding.

"We went from 1st to friggin' last" ... Lake ... well 3rd to last anyway. Still worthy of a friggin' though.

"Someone is going to make a mess up and it's not going to be us" ... Michelle ... probably true. It'll be Lake alone on that score.

"because I have you as a partner and you don't mess up" ... Michelle ... not that we're allowed to talk about anyway.

"Can we take this horse?" ... BJ on taking the horse buggy in Palermo ... not a good plan. Stealing in Palermo is frowned upon, unless you want your relatives back home to receive a fish wrapped in a tie-dyed shirt.

"This is more our flavour. Nice weather and Italian women. Oh, Italian women" ... Jeremy ... an island filled with beautiful women, and here's hoping, a few grandmothers well armed with frying pans and rolling pins.

"Your hair looks fine" ... Eric to Jeremy ... fine but not perfect. Picking up the clue is one thing, but doing it while looking good is what the race is all about.

"We've done a lot of searching. Why don't we do some more" ... BJ on the detour choice ... because it relies on luck, because it gets pretty boring, because other teams will catch up. Take your pick

"Watch it. That was not good. / Driving like an Italian, man" ... Fran / Barry ... that translates to both the car speed and the hand gestures being maxed out.

"Driving on the autostrata. / That's the highway, bud" ... Lori / Dave ... Man, even the highways sound classier in Italian. Almost makes rush-hour traffic bearable knowing that you're stuck on the autostrata.

"I found this piece of clothing for you, laundry woman" ... BJ ... she probably really appreciates that ... another load to do. Hope they leave her a quarter too.

"We made a mistake this morning. Hopefully we won't make any more" ... Eric ... but if you do, even odds say it will involve a girl, the police and a court appearance.

"I'm not really that great at driving a stick shift" ... Dani ... this is a great time to learn now isn't it? On the positive side, they have half of their slow and steady strategy down pat.

"Our car is rolling back" ... Danielle ... ah, the joys of driving stick. Luckily, Palermo isn't known for its mountains or they'd be fishing these two out of the Mediterranean.

"This is going to be a nightmare in hell" ... Danielle ... if you ever wonder what the devil has bad dreams about, being trapped in car with Dani and Danielle has to rank up there.

"Let's do the laundry. I say that sounds easier" ... Eric ... this coming from the guy who does his laundry by spraying an aerosol can.

"This is one of Phil's turtlenecks" ... Jeremy on the laundry ... the Producers must have really cut back on Phil's traveling expenses. Maybe he should have kept that buck from Tyler.

"Joseph, you're not staying with me" ... Monica on carrying the bell ... it's sad to see true love breaking apart by trivial things like momentum, gravity and a 110 lb bell.
After this, it would seem that ‘obvious’ and ‘clue box’ really don’t belong in the same sentence for Fran and Barry.
"Maybe there's a clue box? / Well it's not down here. That's obvious" ... Fran / Barry ... after this, it would seem that 'obvious' and 'clue box' really don't belong in the same sentence for Fran and Barry.

"Ah baby, you're Hercules right now" ... Monica on Joseph's bell lifting ... carrying a 110 lb bell, he's probably wishing she was the Amazon queen right now.

"I knew that I would love Italy" ... Monica ... and once Joseph recovers from his back surgery, he'll probably appreciate it too.

"All the laundry out. It's like the old days" ... Fran ... the good old days when you could decide what to wear tomorrow just by looking out your window.

"Wonder if these young teams know what a clothes pin is" ... Barry ... only if it involves some sort of weird body piercing.

"We're not the athletic people. / Yeah no kidding" ... Lori / Dave ... maybe so. Then again, there aren't too many sports out there that really focus on competitive bell carrying.

"Where the hell are we? / You're asking me like I know" ... Dani / Danielle ... doesn't sound like you're going to get a clear answer, unless ‘hopelessly lost' is what you were looking for

"We're two girls, we're 22, we just graduated from college. These people have traveled the world" ... Danielle ... age and travel experience certainly come in handy sometimes, but it's doubtful the other racers in the past have signed up for the bell-lugging / laundry-checking tour of Sicily.

"Look at all these clothes. / Baby, people live there. That's their stuff" ... Lake / Michelle ... Lake's not likely to find the specially marked clothes there, but on the bright side, maybe the angry mob that results from will help him look in the right place.

"You got to keep trying. / This is hard" ... Lori / Dave on laundry ... searching laundry is nothing. Trying to iron something 100% cotton, now that's a challenge.

"How did they get this thing (the laundry line) to work? / Hey, I'm better at putting clothes out than you" ... Michelle / Lake ... and with one boastful remark, Lake's chore chart at home has just increased to include drying laundry.

"I'm watching him and I'm in awe. His perseverance shows incredible strength of character" ... Yolanda ... perseverance is important, when moving a 110 lb bell, but having hit the gym a couple days a week is probably paying off more.

"And he's just everything I'm looking for in a partner" ... Yolanda ... he's certainly coming in handy in the lifting dept. Carrying groceries home will be a snap.

"Just don't drop it on his (the priest's) feet" ... Yolanda to Ray ... you'll still get your next clue, but kiss your immortal soul good-bye. Vengeance is mine sayeth the priest in the foot cast.

"You did very, very good. You did make up some ground, you know that" ... Yolanda ... about the same amount of ground as we're about to lose by getting lost.

"From now on we just have to follow the signs and pray somebody gets lost" ... Lori ... and at least for today, God favours the nerds over the jocks. Kind of makes up for the other 364 days in the year.

"Good thing I took that human anatomy class in high school" ... Tyler on building the statue ... let's hope for his sake that he passed. I'm waiting for the ‘dissect a frog' roadblock personally.

"Built in the 5th century, it is one of the most well preserved buildings of ancient times" ... Phil ... no doubt its preservation is benefiting from the housing of camera crews, lighting, and a dozen or so people running through it

"Dang it, we've got to beat those hippies. Damn" ... Eric ... does this mean that in the next leg, they'll be playing it more smartly or just arming themselves with police Billy clubs?

"Now I have good news for you. / We get pizza pie?" ... Phil / Tyler ... the sponsor's probably kicking himself for this prize. $1000 in computer gear and they would have been satisfied with a microwave pizza.

"Remember, it's the statue of a man" ... Jeremy to Eric ... well that certainly does help clarify what that one part is supposed to be.

"You know I can take off my shirt and show you guys" ... Jeremy ... generous offer. I wonder, if Jeremy had been around in ancient Greek times, would they have just stuck with pottery?

"These Greek guys are ripped" ... Eric ... probably helped that the only processed foods were a good 2000 years off.

"As soon as Dani meets some of these guys, she's going to leave me" ... Jeremy on the statue ... possibly for the statue's looks, but more likely because it is a more intelligent conversationalist.

"Holy Hottie" ... Eric on the greeter girl ... continuing the adventures of the x-rated superheroes, Studman and Throbbin.

"All right. Not-eliminated. / Gees, do you think you could be maybe a little more excited?" ... Eric / Phil ... it's tough. How are they supposed to impress the Italian hottie by coming in 2nd?

"We were in the backwoods of Brazil. Now we are in the backwoods of Italy" ... Lori ... just don't stray off the main road. One can only imagine what the Italian version of Deliverance would be like. Dueling mandolins, anyone?

"Do you think we need to yield somebody? / Only if you want to. I'm going to let you decide." ... Lake / Michelle ... allowing him to decide, before he's going to do it anyway is probably the best decision Michelle could have made.

"Don't give up. It could be worse. We could be in Russia" ... Danielle ... it's much better to get lost in a place that makes a decent cappuccino.

"I feel dumb" ... Monica on statue building ... trust your feelings, Monica. You know them to be true.

"Fran just do your thing. This is what you're good at" ... Barry on statue building ... fingers are crossed. Motorcycle engines were her thing too, and we remember how that turned out.

"I'm such an idiot" ... Monica on statue building ... waiting for signs of disagreement ... and hearing nothing.
They spent so much time not understanding German, it’s nice to see that they are giving not understanding Italian equal consideration.
"What's that? Do you think that's a teatro? / Yes" ... Lake / Michelle ... they spent so much time not understanding German, it's nice to see that they are giving not understanding Italian equal consideration.

"Barry. What's the teatro? Do you know? / Can't tell you" ... Lake / Barry ... most of us try to avoid meeting up with the dentist, but Barry's really taking this to extremes

"This is stupid / Please stop saying that" ... Dave / Lori on hill climbing ... not to worry ... another half mile and Dave will be too out of breath to say anything

"I need some water, seriously. / Please stop saying that" ... Lori / Dave ... Dave either counting on a lack of chit chat speeding up the process, or that a dehydrated and unconscious Lori will be easier to drag than listen to.

"I'm so sorry girls. We didn't really want to do that. I promise" ... Michelle on yielding Dani and Danielle ... somehow I don't imagine her guilt will go as far as waiting up for the girls.

"I'm a dentist. You know I'm good with my hands" ... Lake ... sure ... there's probably been many an occasion where a patient has needed a root canal and a statue implant.

"Obviously they feel threatened by us / Whatever. Payback's a bitch" ... Dani / Danielle ... and after the yield is over, Payback will have a couple of angry sisters to help her do her work

"Why yield us? What did we do? / Cause they're hicks from the South and they're jerk-offs. End of story" ... Danielle / Dani ... they're obviously having trouble discerning fact from motive.

"Maybe all those years of school are paying off" ... Michelle on Lake's statue building ... having a successful dental practice must be window dressing then, for the real purpose of higher education ... to shine on reality TV.

"That's why they make dentists take it" ... Lake on studying anatomy ... just in case you have to rebuild your patients after they see their bill.

"That's got to be part of the thigh" ... Dave ... that's just what Lori needs ... an armchair artist.

"If you could tell me where it fits on the thigh. / If I could see that far, I wouldn't wear glasses" ... Lori / Dave ... one would think to see far might be why you would be wearing the glasses in the first place, but whatever.

"That makes me mad because there were two extra pieces and I did it the same way three times" ... Lori ... on the plus side, you got it right 3 times in a row and only took 3 times as long to finish.

"We've got fat Dave and the girls behind us" ... Lake ... given we have the fat moniker being tossed about, I'm not sure if Lori should be insulted or relieved for being left out.

"Don't be ugly" ... Michelle ... just let your words and actions do that for you and the Speedo memories will take care of the rest.

"Well, I mean, he's bigger than me" ... Lake ... well so are Ray and Joseph, but we're not hearing a lot of fat jokes being lobbed at them.

"Rise my friend" ... Phil to Lake ... so that I might dub thee, Sir Redneck.

"I've got a thigh. Now I need an upper thigh. Like my girl, she's got good thighs" ... Ray ... whatever helps motivate you, but once you move a bit further up the statue, let's hope the Yolanda references begin to fall by the wayside.

"We got so frustrated with each other. I don't feel like being that way with Lori" ... Dave ... it is part of any normal relationship, but I guess if you want to combat it, you could start by doing more things faster and correctly.

"Give your man a hug" ... Phil to Lori ... with all this advice, Phil could become a relationship doctor, but seriously, who would take advice from someone named Dr. Phil?

"Come on Dan, ‘cause I'm coming. I'm coming like Christmas" ... Ray to Dani ... and it's a safe bet, you won't like what Santa's bringing for you Dani.

"It's like the hall of Shame" ... Dani on the pitstop ... not exactly what the ancient Greeks had in mind. Their shame halls would have had better acoustics set up for the laughter and cat-calling.

"I would say you two had the most successful connections with the opposite sex ever on the Amazing Race" ... Phil ... and given that most of the past teams were either married, dating or related, that's not really saying much.

"It was fun with Eric and Jeremy. We're going to stay friends forever. / Forever and ever" ... Dani / Danielle ... and for Eric and Jeremy, that translates to about 3 or 4 days, tops.

"We've learned more in the race than people do in their lifetimes about themselves" ... Dani ... some people never learn the lesson of never to follow Wanda and Desiree around Europe.

"We definitely have strong minds and big hearts" ... Dani ... unfortunately, the race might have gone better with big minds and strong hearts.

"We're the double Ds from New York" ... Danielle ... a proud statement, a philosophy, and great video tag line all rolled into one.



With so many teams mispronouncing Palermo, can we expect that some of them will be facing a Sicilian necktie roadblock very soon?

Would it be funny or tragic if Eric ended up needing a wheelchair after wiping out in one?
Important travel note: if you need a wheelchair when traveling, avoid the Munich airport at all costs. I hear the wheelchairs there are a bit banged up.
Important travel note: if you need a wheelchair when traveling, avoid the Munich airport at all costs. I hear the wheelchairs there are a bit banged up.

Note to Fran: It's important that if you discover a flight, you keep it quiet so other teams don't try to snag it too. However, waving your arms madly and saying "Step back, step back" might not be the best way of remaining subtle.

If teams ended up dropping the bell and cracking it, would the priest be mad or just see it as a chance to bring a little bit of America to Sicily.

If Joseph or Ray are hard up for employment after the race, at least now they have excellent qualifications for the position of Sicilian hunchback.

Did CBS miss a major marketing opportunity with the laundry detour? Hanging a few CSI or Ghost Whisperer shirts on the line would have been a great way to advertise and move some merchandise.

Do you think BJ & Tyler would be willing to trade their new computer, if Dave and Lori scared up some pizza pies for them?

You have to feel a bit sorry for Dave and Lori. Being chased in a car across Sicily by an obsessed dentist is the stuff real nightmares are made of.

If all puzzles came with extra pieces that don't fit, would that create a rise in gun related violence? Frustrated puzzle fanatics are like a ticking time bomb.

Dani and Danielle's archeologist was pretty picky. Either he expects a lot more from amateur artisans or he was just pissed that the girls were making him work so late.

Is it a sad irony that the team that uses the term 'Clicker' and 'Typer' end up winning a new computer? It's about as useful as Michelle winning 5 free dental checkups.

For all the dating advice Phil is dishing out to Dave and Lori, will he hold back a little of their money from the next leg as his fee?