"In Control" - Vol. IX, No. 5
It was funny to watch the boys play with the wheelchairs. You shouldn't make fun of handicapped people who really need wheelchairs though. If it weren't for handicapped people, you would never be able to find a good parking spot.
A lot of the racers were saying the name of the town differently. They should learn to read where...
Hey, wait a minute here! We don't write that kind of crap. We write this kind of crap:
"In Control" - Vol. IX, No. 5A (for real this time)
by Steve & Dave
We're back! Fortunately for you, we're just in time to announce the winners of this season's "Legends Of Scene-Eroding Reality Stars" (The Amazing Race Edition) awards - better known as the ‘Losers'.
Our first category tonight is "We Must Be Lost, Because That Clue Box Is Nowhere Around". The winners are...Fran and Barry! Yes, Fran and Barry have now managed to walk within 5 feet of a clue box without seeing it on two different continents. This is truly a great accomplishment. Perhaps you might have considered packing a little lighter on the Depends and a little heavier on the bifocals.
Moving right along, our next Loser is awarded in the "I May Be Blonde, But Even I Know It Isn't Palomino - It's Pal Or Mow" category. It was a close vote, but the winners are...Monica and Joseph! You two can pick up your award in Cleveland, which is (of course) pronounced, "Stupid Lousy White Sox".
Our next big Loser is for the category of "You Dumb Blonde, It Isn't Pal Or Mow - It's Paul Or Moe, and Does This Thing on My Lip Look Like a Herpe to You". The envelope please...and the winners are (no surprise here)...Eric and Jeremy! We will happily present these two with their award once they are finally released from quarantine (where they were placed upon trying to re-enter the US), and assuming our biohazard suits have arrived by then.
Next is the coveted "It's Obvious We Have a Defective Statue Because There's Just No Way I Can Make These Two Pieces Fit" category. In a very close vote, the winners are...Dave and Lori! You two will be happy to know that you've just won a jigsaw puzzle every month for the next 10 years, which we're sure will bring you both many hours of joy together.
(Pssst - don't tell them, but we included two extra pieces in every puzzle.)
Our next winners of a Loser will come from the "We're a Great Team Because My Husband Never Makes Misteaks" category, and those winners are...Lake and Michelle! Congratulations on the big win, and let's hope that you don't get any more of the ‘Steve & Dave' edit (who boarded the wrong train right after saying something very similar).
Now for the "Wow, You're 25 Years Old So You Must Have Been Around the World Three Times Already" category. Tonight's big winners are...Dani and Danielle! Thanks for reminding us that you two are only 22 and just recently graduated from college. We had all forgotten that you had yet to receive your free trip around the world that everyone gets on their 23rd birthday.
Next up is the "We're Still Racing? We Thought This Was the Tour of the Italian Countryside Leg" category. Our winners are...Ray and Yolanda! You started in seventh and finished in seventh. In between, we think you might have been in every other place at least once during this leg.
Before we get to the last of the "major" Losers, here is a rundown of the list of other Losers that were presented in a separate ceremony last night:
For "Most Weaver-esque Edit at a Yield" - Danielle and Dani with their ‘hicks from the south' comments.
For "Oh Hewlett Packard, We're Ready for Our Close-Up Now" - BJ and Tyler, and the "digital imaging, wow!" comment.
For "Jonathon Claimed It Was Editing, What's Your Story?" - Lake. Not Michelle, just Lake.
For "Slow and Steady Didn't Work for Steve & Dave Either" - Danielle and Dani. Well, we knew you were in trouble when you said that to start the leg.
For "You Know, I've Always Thought That Monica Was A Little Hottie" - Eric and Jeremy. Now that the Double D's are gone anyhow.
Finally, tonight's last ‘major' Loser award - and it comes in the category of "If You're Going to Promote a Previous Season's Team That Bowls, Why Not Pick the Originals?" - BJ and Tyler with their ‘Bowling-Moms' tee shirts. Check the opening montage for season four. Steve and Dave. Bowling alley. Major gig for BJ and Tyler.
For the first time anywhere, Steve and Dave are now going to give you, the readers, a chance to win your own version of a Loser award. Our biggest problem was figuring out what to give as a prize. Then it hit us - what would epitomize an actual Loser Award more than an autographed copy of THIS COLUMN! That's right, if you can be the first to successfully decode the series of numbers below, you will win an autographed (by both Steve and Dave) copy of the very column you are reading right now - with the pictures included!
The rules are simple - once you think you know what the numbers below stand for, send your answer via PM to Dave (not Steve, just Dave). The first person to get the correct answer (as determined by the earliest time stamp on their PM) wins. Each person can enter a maximum of 3 times, just in case you decide (or we tell you) that your first answer was wrong. The decision of Steve and Dave is final. Any questions or disputes will most likely be ignored. Remember - send that PM to Dave only! Oh, and anyone we suspect of trying to answer before everyone has had a chance to read the column (ahem, Miri...Daria...Zron...) will be disqualified.
Ready? Here's the coded message:
21 530 430 9503 52 85 526 4 87 28