Amazing Race Rants

Amazing Race Rant - Episode 4


"What's up, big Philly style?" ... Eric ... probably meant as a compliment but they're lucky Phil didn't go Soup Nazi on them and say, "No clue for you." Maybe he needs to start wearing a name tag saying "Hello, my name is Phil."

"Ok we've got to go to Frankfurt. / How do we get there? / Airport" ... Eric / Jeremy / Eric ... never had a chance to travel by airport myself, but it seems an awfully slow way to get somewhere.
The armed soldiers parading around the square certainly did add to the atmosphere. Next up, a romantic stroll to Lenin’s tomb to cap off the evening.
"That was beautiful back there, dude. That would have been a prime spot to be holding hands with the chicks" ... Jeremy ... the armed soldiers parading around the square certainly did add to the atmosphere. Next up, a romantic stroll to Lenin's tomb to cap off the evening.

"It wasn't very romantic with Jeremy and I. / Yeah it was a little gay" ... Eric / Jeremy ... certainly the holding hands part didn't quite have the same effect. Hope France isn't on the itinerary ... racing through Paris in the springtime will be a lot gay.

"Phil, thanks for the help. Here's a little something for yourself" ... BJ offering a tip ... see if you can get me a nice table at the Pit Stop. And would it kill you to give us all the clues right now.

"Don't waste that opportunity, Phil" ... BJ on his tip ... seeing as they're trying to bribe him with a $1 bill, the only opportunity Phil won't be wasting is the chance to kick their asses off the mat.

"That just goes to show you that it's not over until the Phil sings" ... Tyler ... definitely bad news is coming if you see Phil working the Karaoke machine on the mat.

"The last thing I imagined I'd be doing in Russia right now is cleaning the trolley" ... Dani ... begs the question just what was the first thing she imagined she'd being doing in Russia? Espionage or wearing a big furry hat?

"He's pointing up to the door that's dirty. I think he may be going overboard" ... Wanda on the bus inspector ... hey, this may be his last chance to boss around free cleaning help. You're lucky he didn't pull up his car to get that detailed as well.

"You are the best. And beautiful, too" ... Jeremy to the ticket clerk ... with lines like that, these guys will be flying first class in no time.

"It's just been grueling and tedious and long" ... Wanda on the leg ... probably would have been a bit shorter if she hadn't spent so long treading water in the pool.

"We're going to staple this (the clue bag) to our ass and hopefully things will go okay" ... Danielle ... a good strategy, though it may bring up some interesting washroom challenges down the road.

"Phil being his dramatic self" ... Lori on the non-elimination pause ... it's either Phil's flair for drama or the guy working the cue cards is really slow.

"We're a little worried right now. We were last to arrive at the ‘psyche you out' Pit Stop" ... Dave ... be more worried about arriving last at the "you are screwed" Pit Stop.

"Jeremy and Eric wind up playing with the dolls, and they got ahead of everybody" ... Dani ... sums up their life philosophy pretty nicely I think. And in the future, if you could refer to them as "action figures" instead of "dolls," the guys would feel better.

"Ya'll got lucky. / Some call it luck. Others call it domination" ... Lake / BJ ... but those others are pretty silly. It was luck.

"This is the day from Hell" ... Danielle ... still it's nice to know that Hell comes equipped with a swimming pool and a mass transit system.

"Are there some pretty ladies in Germany? / Yes. Sometimes. The more you drink" ... Jeremy / Johann ... with wit and charm like that, it helps explain why he's riding the midnight train to Stuttgart alone.

"The more you drink, the prettier. Ok, that works." ... Eric ... and with one phrase, the need for Eric and Jeremy to buy a travel guide is eliminated. They know now all that they're going to want to know.

"Teams will take a high-speed ride on the oldest test track for Mercedes Benz, known as the Wall of Death" ... Phil ... while there, they'll be testing the Brakes of Sliding, the Seat Belts of Strangling, and the Air Bag of Whiplash.

"Good morning. I'll be your driver today" ... driver to Lake and Michelle ... good morning, we'll be your terrified passengers today.

"Fasten your seat belts, please" ... driver to Lake and Michelle ... wouldn't want you damaging the windshield or anything.

"First we are going on the high speed lane" ... driver ... yeah stay out of that right lane. Rush-hour traffic on the test track at this time of the morning is murder.
Mercedes makes some pretty fast cars. The only way my car could go that fast would be if I drove it off a cliff.
"We are reaching 170 kilometers per hour" ... driver ... Mercedes makes some pretty fast cars. The only way my car could go that fast would be if I drove it off a cliff.

"We probably won't drive it like you, I'm sure" ... Jeremy to the driver ... yeah, it might be a wise idea to go around any Walls of Death they might encounter.

"We're going to have somebody help us drive" ... Yolanda on the test drive ... Mercedes was a little reluctant to let the Racers loose on the Wall of Death with one of their cars. If you want to drive solo, we've got some old Chevys in the back for you.

"I'm glad we didn't eat on the train" ... Lori during the test drive ... that was a good move. But then again, the barf bag in a Mercedes is probably worth checking out, too.

"Schlop, schlop, schlop. / What is schlop?" ... Wanda / Desiree ... it's the German phrase for "I wasn't listening when they said the word for ‘fast.'"

"Do you have to say everything in Spanglish?" ... Desiree to Wanda ... maybe not, but it certainly does make Bad Tolz sound like a nicer place the way she says it.


"Mom, I really need to know why you speak in an accent" ... Desiree ... she's not speaking with an accent; everybody else is.

"It's making it harder for people to understand you" ... Desiree ... not that speaking perfect English is really going to help much in downtown Stuttgart.

"It was a half-lie. / A little white lie" ... Lori / Dave on deceiving MoJo ... no worries lies go, it's only at a Pinocchio level. They've got miles to go before reaching Rob and Amber status.

"After Moscow, it's something that we promised ourselves: That we'd work for ourselves" ... Dave ... is this entrepreneurial spirit or did the cool kids not let them sit at their table at the Pit Stop?

"You saw them (the Munich signs) going that way. I'm reading them on the signs going backwards" ... Desiree ... if the signs for the place you want to go to are quickly disappearing behind you, should this not be the first cause for alarm?

"I don't know where they're going. All I know is the direction I'm going is behind Wanda and Desiree" ... Dani ... luckily the new Mercedes cars come with an Amazing Race compass. Theirs is now pointing to "Hopelessly lost".

"We're all going into this blindly. So it happens" ... Danielle on getting lost ... true. It's just that some teams have chosen to follow a map blindly, or blindly ask for directions, instead of blindly following the car in front of them.

"Elbach. It's a little bit hard to go there" ... drunk guy to Lake's even harder when you consider the only route he knows is by stumbling and crawling.

"I can't drive. I'm too drunk anymore" ... drunk guy ... this is just the guy you want giving you directions. Every road suddenly looks like it's got a fork in it.

"You figure you're sober enough to get us there" ... Lake to drunk guy ... now would a drunk guy really risk his free ride home by saying no? In truth, he probably can get them there, just as long as the world stops spinning violently for a while.

"The gnome is lucky. You want the gnome" ... Michelle to Lake ... still, it's not actually recommended as a lucky charm unless you have really big pockets or aren't afraid to have a ceramic gnome nailed above your door.

"Quit paying attention to that" ... Michelle to Lake on Tyler's field dancing ... tough order. It's strangely hypnotic, yet mind-scarring at the same time. Even the gnomes were frightened

"What does it look like? Like this!" ... BJ on the gnome ... apparently BJ is about the only person left in North America who has not been plagued with images of the Travelocity gnome.

"Nice gnome, buddy" ... Tyler ... under any other circumstances, those would be serious fighting words.
Peering into Lake’s immediate future, I see a vague pointing, a loud “Suckers!” and a quick dash and door locking.
"Listen, he can show us how to get out, but we have to take him to his house" ... Lake on the drunk ... peering into Lake's immediate future, I see a vague pointing, a loud "Suckers!" and a quick dash and door locking.

"Lake and Michelle have a German guy in their car. / How did they get that German guy? Did they rent him?" ... BJ / Tyler ... maybe. The going rate for rural drunks is two beer steins per mile and a chaser of schnapps every half mile after that.

"A gnome is like a little person" ... Barry ... with a long white beard who stands on your lawn, usually with a bunch of his friends. Sort of like little Hell's Angels.

"I'm only going to do feet. / Why? / Cause that will be my system" ... Barry / Fran / Barry ... good to see he's sticking with an effective system, instead of trying something crazy like "going for the close ones" or "starting in this section and moving from there."

"This is the way Fran and Barry travel. In a car, with a map. That's what we do" ... Barry ... now if only the clue boxes were marked on the map, too, they'd be winning this Race.

"Today we hit our stride" ... Barry ... they're definitely on a roll, and the only thing that's going to break their car-and-map stride is probably the Atlantic Ocean.

"Isn't this exactly where we turned?" ... Desiree ... you can tell by the tire tracks and the roadside animals laughing at you.

"Man, this is like Groundhog Day" ... Wanda ... well Groundhog Day had a happy ending, so don't go counting your chickens just yet.

"We're going to find it. / When? Two hours from now" ... Desiree / Wanda on finding the highway ... let's see ... the highway is 10 minutes away, and you'll probably be doing another 12 laps on the Autobahn ... so 2 hours sounds about right.

"I'm looking, so don't you ‘damn it' me" ... Desiree to Wanda on sign watching ... Desiree proving to her mom that she's is truly an independent adult. Hope it's worth the grounding and no TV at the Pit Stop.

"That was like the furthest freakin' drive in the world" ... Dani ... it'll be even more freakin' once they realize they've left their passports back in Stuttgart.

"They must alternate breaking stunt bottles on each other's heads" ... Phil ... but we threw in a few real ones just to make things interesting.

"Until they find one with ‘prost,' the German word for ‘cheers,' printed on the back of the label" ... Phil ... with the other bottles having the German words for "loser," ‘sorry, try again,' and ‘Ow' printed on them.

"The task is physical, but a team with the right rhythm could finish fast" ... Phil ... and earn a shot to appear on Germany's Dancing with the Stars. Alternately, teams with the wrong rhythm will simply be laughed at by German men in lederhosen.

"This Pauli girl is pretty hot, though. / That's my girl " ... Eric / Jeremy ... ah, the sure way to a girl's heart is through a good bar fight.

"Shoot. All I see is glass" ... Eric on bottle smashing ... well, that and a few stars, some liquid that could be alcohol, and a very hot Pauli girl.

"It's better to stop and make sure than to go the wrong way" ... Ray ... unless you're Wanda, Desiree, Dani, or Danielle, of course, who choose to stop, make sure, and then still go the wrong way.

"German karate. Wow" ... Jeremy on Eric head-butting the bottle ... an obscure martial art, these days practiced only by soccer hooligans.
She saw through the charm of goggles, funny hats, and lederhosen and gave them a big “show me the money.”
"Want to go out with us later? Get some beers? / If you pay" ... Eric / Pauli girl ... smart girl. She saw through the charm of goggles, funny hats, and lederhosen and gave them a big "show me the money."

"I need the changing room. I'm not wearing underwear" ... Tyler ... if that didn't have you reaching for the remote, nothing will. Hopefully Tyler will face a second Detour after this one ... wash the lederhosen vs. burn them.

"Kisses? / Ah, give me some good lipstick there" ... Eric / Jeremy to Pauli girl ... nothing wrong with having a memento of your adventures. And Dani will probably be more than happy to clean it off him with a strong left hook.

"Oh my gosh. You're going to break a bottle my head? / Yes!" ... Michelle / Lake ... And you're probably going to enjoy it? Yes!

"Ow. A little less hard, please" ... Tyler to BJ ... no extra style points will be awarded for discovering the clue while knocking your teammate out.

"All you have to do is barely hit me. / Oh shut up and take it like a man" ... Lake / Michelle ... actually cowering like a wimp sounds pretty reasonable right now. And while Lake might doubt her car navigating skills, her bottle-to-head navigating skills seem to be dead on.

"We will start at the beginning" ... Dance teacher to Barry ... when a lesson starts out with that pearl of wisdom, it's bound to be a good one. Do you think it will finish at the end, too?

"I would have to say that you two are the biggest Casanovas we've ever had on the Amazing Race" ... Phil ... a compliment or a dig ... you be the judge. Still, to have a girl at every Detour, and another waiting at the Pit Stop, they're doing something right.

"Man, we just hope they make it onto the mat, so we can do some more tongue wrestling or whatever" ... Jeremy ... well, at least he wasn't crude or anything. A guy could make a small fortune either selling condoms or cold showers at these Pit Stops.

"I don't know. I don't care. I'm getting very tired of all these streets" ... Michelle ... maybe finding the right one will relieve some of the monotony.

"Baby, zip it with the negativism. If it's not positive, just don't say it" ... Lake ... ok, then I'm positively going to slap you on the backside of the head. Does that work for you?

"Phil will stop us before we hit him, right?" ... BJ ... most likely, but it may take hours to remove his shoe from your ass.
Jeez, being a jolly old elf mustn’t pay that well if Santa’s got to work reality TV. Maybe this is the only way he could pitch his idea for an Apprentice spin-off.
"Santa!" ... BJ ... jeez, being a jolly old elf mustn't pay that well if Santa's got to work reality TV. Maybe this is the only way he could pitch his idea for an Apprentice spin-off.

"You look very sexy" ... Joseph to Monica ... to say that while she's in goggles, lederhosen, and a big hat ... it must be true love or a case of being away from the Pit Stop for too long.

"This is the weirdest thing I've ever done" ... Monica on bottle-breaking ... and Monica goes to college. You'd figure bottle-breaking would be just the opening act at some of the parties there.

"Des, it's a g-nome. I don't think a g-nome fits in a boot" ... Wanda ... maybe not, but it's doubtful they'd fit better or be any happier living inside a traffic warning cone.

"Mom, it's gnome. The G is silent" ... Desiree ... except, of course, for those select few gnome with a severe stuttering problem.

"Mom, I just don't know where it is. The fact of the matter is, they're all gone" ... Desiree ... though you might want to keep looking anyway just in case the whole "staff forgot to put out at least nine gnomes" or "a team took two gnomes to double their prize" conspiracies don't pan out.

"This was way more fun than the bottles" ... Monica on dancing ... that's pretty much true anywhere ... except in English soccer pubs possibly.

"You've just got to run this Race for yourself" ... Dave ... didn't realize they even allowed substitutes or proxies in the Race. The roles of the loveable nerds will now be played by Dave and Lori.

"It brought us up from ninth place to fifth place" ... Dave ... it's a tough road ahead, though, since it seems, in order to crack the top three, you need either German fluency, good backward running skills, or flirting skills par excellence.

"I feel so Hansel and Gretel right now I can't stand it" ... Desiree ... at least you get all the candy you want. Just avoid the "Clean the Oven" Roadblock if you can.

"We're sick and tired of competing not to be last" ... Danielle ... just keep going the way you have been, and you won't have to worry about that for too much longer.

"We got lost ... a lot" ... Desiree ... put a positive spin on it. You didn't get lost a lot ... you just kept finding the same spot, over and over and over again.

"We'll always be a team, but you can't win them all" ... Wanda ... but if you had to win one, this would have been a pretty good choice.



Was it a strong Southern accent or CBS playing it safe, when they decided to put Michelle's "Oh shoot!" in subtitles? Don't want any language malfunctions.

Poor Fran and Barry. They worked so long to find the Nesting doll clue, and they were almost defeated by a lack of bifocals.

Note to Joseph: Moscow probably has a no-spitting on their trolleys by-law in place, and I'm pretty sure they would apply to the cleaning of them as well.

That was a pretty cool test track, but, really, are there that many roads in Germany that go 90 degrees vertical?

In the winter time, does Mercedes rent out their test track to the German bobsledding team?

You have to admire Joseph's initiative in trying to drive his own car on the test track. Perhaps next time, the phrases "drivers provided" and "Wall of Death" should be highlighted more.
Judging by Fran and Barry’s mellow reaction to the Wall of Death, they’ve either done this before or there was some complementary Valium in the glovebox.
Judging by Fran and Barry's mellow reaction to the Wall of Death, they've either done this before or there was some complementary Valium in the glovebox.

Must remember the next time I'm in Germany to travel the countryside and look for all the gnome fields in bloom.

That gnome farmer should harvest his field quickly. Looks like a good third of his field is going to be breech blooms.

You have to feel sorry for the Drunk guy. He has this great story to tell about getting on American TV, and with one sniff of his breath, nobody is ever going to believe him.

Kudos to Wanda and Desiree ... anyone can find the right spot on a map, but to find the same wrong spot twice is really tough to do.

Too bad more teams weren't angry at the bottle-smashing Roadblock. It would have been fun to see someone smash their teammate hard, and then quickly decide to switch to dancing.

Munich has a 153-year monument to peace. It did wonders for Germany in the 20th century, didn't it?

It was impressive that BJ is not only fluent in German, but in German pickup lines as well.

Was Phil showing who's boss or just overcompensating by bringing his own life-sized gnome to the mat to intimidate the Racers' little ceramic ones.

He who would claim that German folk-dancing is the silliest dance ever obviously hasn't been country line dancing in a while.

I felt bad for Peter the greeter. That was the saddest welcome I've ever heard for a last-place team. I thought Wanda and Desiree should have hugged him just to make him feel better.