Amazing Race Rants

Amazing Race Rant - Episode 3


"This is Brotas, Brazil. A small farming community built on South America's coffee trade" ... Phil ... and this is the Amazing Race ... a small cash-seeking community built on North America's reality trade.

"And while they were here (pit stop), Eric & Danielle and Jeremy & Dani paired up" ... Phil ... kind of like Noah's Ark but in an adult-rated way.

"There was a lot of talking about naughty things" ... Eric ... probably was a nice change to talk naughty to someone instead of about them.

"Those girls are really cute" ... Jeremy ... now that you mention it, they are, aren't they? Must have been a lucky coincidence that they were cast for the show.

"Will this relationship turn into a powerful alliance?" ... Phil ... a powerful anything sounds like too much effort and commitment for Eric and Jeremy. Still, one can't discount the power of horniness to bring people together ... at least to get to the next pit stop.

"And will Fran and Barry, the oldest team on the race, manage to get out of last place?" ... Phil ... they should start with the goal of having a working car and work up from there.

"I think the other teams are seeing that we're not just the happy-go-lucky, crazy hippies running around naked all the time" ... Tyler ... and thank God for that. The whole naked thing works great on Survivor, but it's not so good for international travel.

"Take a ride on a 30 foot zip line / 300 foot / yeah" ... Jeremy / Eric / Jeremy ... yeah, the 30 foot line wasn't too popular with the extreme crowd. Going through the trees instead of above them was a bit too painful.
Danielle being compared to an old beast of a VW bug … is that true love or grounds for a slander suit?
"This old beast has been going the distance for us. We need to name it Danielle #3" ... Jeremy on the VW bug ... Danielle being compared to an old beast of a VW bug ... is that true love or grounds for a slander suit?

"And when we're in the pit stop, we'll have as much fun as we possible can and enjoy it" ... Eric ... well, certainly as much fun as a boy, a girl, and a camera crew can have. Upcoming pit stop hosts might want to start taking out more insurance ASAP.

"He has been extremely optimistic on this race and that's something I've never seen in Joseph before" ... Monica on Joseph ... funny how the chance at winning a million will cheer up most pessimists ... at least until they have to share..

"This adventure is a wonderful opportunity for us to travel the world together and learn about it" ... Lori ... hopefully learning a little more than discovering that Herbie the Love Bug is alive and well and living with his brothers down in South America.

"I love being out in the country. C'mon, I grew up in Kansas" ... Lori ... the lack of tornados and munchkins notwithstanding, it's probably safe to say that you're not in Kansas anymore.

"We don't know if we trust the hippies. We think they're pretty shady" ... Eric ... no doubt the result of their painstaking research while following them for the last couple of days.

"Our car won't start. / It has got to warm up for a second" ... Yolanda / Ray ... yeah, those cold Brazilian mornings can be rough. Sometimes people even have to wear shirts outside.

"During the race, I will get to know her better. Never going to have a chance like this in your life to really see somebody under these conditions" ... Ray ... time will tell if that was a chance worth taking. Racing can be many things, but pretty isn't one of them.

"She is someone who can often imagine things to be worse than they are" ... Desiree on Wanda ... it's probably why she was cast ... it adds drama and she'll be a gold mine for new ideas. Today's paranoia is tomorrow's Roadblock.

"I don't know but I've been told, Zip lines ... zip lines" ... BJ ... proving that it was not his pacifist views but rather a lack of rhythm and rhyming skills that kept BJ out of the army.

"Michelle is starting to see the game that I saw after about the first leg" ... Lake ... looks like Michelle could only tune out the yelling for so long, I guess.

"I get frustrated sometimes cause she plays it too safe" ... Lake ... so now we have a frustrated driver who doesn't play it safe. Pedestrians be warned.

"But I may get in too bad, if she didn't hold me back some" ... Lake ... just in case, she's already learned the translation for "How much is bail, your honour?" as a back up.

"On this race, we're not playing with our muscles, we're not playing with our bodies, we're playing with our hearts" ... Dani ... but it might be nice to play with your brains a little bit, too.

"Hearts first, bodies second. / And then boobs" ... Dani / Danielle ... ironically enough, Eric and Jeremy had the same game plan for them, only in reverse.

"Why are you turning left? / Shut up" ... Michelle / Lake ... Lake needs absolute quiet in the car while getting hopelessly lost.

"You've got to be kidding me. We don't know the first turn out of the gate" ... Lake ... Lake adopting the royal "We" at this point. Solo mistake + collective blame = angry spouse.

"Everything's tight on this sucker?" ... Eric to zip line rigger ... well, if it's not, you'll be the first to know. At least you'll get down faster.

"Lake, you're popping the car hood. Get off of it" ... Michelle ... either a desperate attempt to locate the right road or a desperate attempt to create a sunroof.

"Slow down! Slow down! / If you don't shut up!" ... Michelle / Lake ... is this more frustration or maybe Lake having some dentist chair flashbacks.

"We are not happy at all about being in last place" ... Fran ... but on the positive side though, you don't have to worry about anyone passing you.

"I'm going to pee my pants" ... Desiree on the zip line ... obviously Desiree has been taking lessons from the Lisa and Joni flying school for bladders.

"Fly to friggin' Russia. Dag gone it. I was hoping we wouldn't have to go to Russia" ... Lake ... At least, no one there will care that you don't know Spanish or Portuguese.

"Shut up. It's going to be fun" ... Michelle ... Russia comes in a strong 11th on the Top Ten list of Spring Break destinations

"It's going to be friggin' cold" ... Lake ... just keep that hot temper brewing and things should balance out nicely on the warm side.
Apparently Brazil and teen comedy films are the only two places left where a line like that won’t get you arrested.
"Where did you get all those stickers on your shirt? / What stickers? / Hang on, I'll get ‘em" ... Eric / Danielle / Eric ... apparently Brazil and teen comedy films are the only two places left where a line like that won't get you arrested.

"They made our time there a lot more fun. I really have to say that I enjoyed my time at the pit stop" ... Dani ... kind of makes traveling around the world seem more bearable, doesn't it?

"Read that clue one more time. / I'm going to punch you in the mouth" ... Lake / Michelle ... as Roadblocks go, that doesn't sound too challenging but ultimately it could be very rewarding.

"Hey listen to me. Don't be ugly because we haven't been ugly to each other, ya here" ... Lake to Michelle ... True. The ugliness has been rather one sided so far.

"We're not arguing over something so silly." ... Michelle on forgetting her clue bag ... yeah, Lake. Aside from you, the only people that take lost IDs seriously are airline clerks, customs officials, and the police. And when are you going to see any of them?

"Can we agree that you don't take it (the ID belt) off? Can we agree for you to hush" ... Lake / Michelle ... sounds like a win / win for both of them.

"Michelle. Don't be a bitch" ... Lake ... poor Lake. When that line comes out, it's either just the nudge needed to become a bitch or it's already too late.

"We have our tickets from Sao Paolo to Moscow. Other teams are in the same boat as we are" ... BJ ... and by boat, the teams are due to arrive in Moscow sometime in the next month or so.

"Senorita! / I don't think ‘senorita' is the right word" ... Lake / Michelle to airline clerk ... well, if it was to the female agent, it's fine. If you were yelling at the guy, you just bought yourself tickets on a cargo plane heading to Antarctica. Vaya con Dios, senor.

"Jeremy, make sure to write it (Russian phrases) down. / She's going to write it down for me" ... Eric / Jeremy ... Jeremy was the only person to graduate from his high school with all his work and exams done in handwriting other than his own.

"Damn it's cold out here. Hurry up" ... Lake to cabbie ... with cab manners like that, their cabbie is going to be running the AC full tilt for sure.

"We're in Russia, guys. All I know us that Russians drink and smoke a lot" ... Monica ... apparently they also drive cabs. Put the three together and we've got the makings of an interesting cab ride.

"In this Roadblock, that person must face the conditions that Russia's champion high divers experienced during winter training" ... Phil ... that being, win a gold medal or be sent to Siberia.

"I'm afraid of water cause I don't know how to swim" ... Yolanda ... don't worry. At 30 feet up, your fear of heights will probably make you forget all about it.

"And every time I get in the water, I always sink" ... Yolanda ... on the plus side, sinking will get you to the clue that much faster.

"Once on the grounds, teams must find this building, the Cathedral of the Virgin of Smolensk" ... Phil ... must be an old church. In this day and age, virgins probably wouldn't want that much publicity around the village.

"Sounds like a date" ... Tyler on finding the cathedral ... a date with the Smolensk virgin? Tyler's attempting the double task of trying to find the clue and get to first base.

"You need to do it (the roadblock). / I might have to do it naked." ... Lake / Michelle ... relax, Michelle. That is a little too out of the box thinking for CBS. Potential swimsuit malfunctions, however ... that's a different story.
Okay, so Lake has no problem with his wife doing a naked Roadblock but heaven forbid she tries to help him navigate.
"So what?" ... Lake on Michelle going naked ... okay, so Lake has no problem with his wife doing a naked Roadblock but heaven forbid she tries to help him navigate. Interesting where this "partner help" line has been drawn.

"Do that dive that we learned. Nope, we didn't learn it well enough" ... Fran to Barry ... much like high school algebra, who knew that remembering a dive would ever come in handy again.

"You better do a flip or something" ... Eric to Jeremy diving ... it's a fine line between getting style points or idiot points. Let's see where Jeremy is going to score his.

"I had to wear a Speedo. / You looked good in it, you know" ... Lake / Michelle ... but just in case, I'm glad the close-ups were few and far between.

"I wish you would have done it. / Would you really make me get in front of all those Russian people with a bathing suit on?" ... Lake / Michelle ... at one time, seeing an American in a swimsuit probably would have been a novelty for Russian men. The powerful combination of Glasnost and Baywatch has changed all that.

"Monica. Do it. Don't think" ... Joseph on diving ... ironically, this is how he asked her out for the first time.

"Oh my God, we're going to lose because of this" ... Wanda on not diving down ... well, if you're going to lose somewhere, doing it at a place with a hot tub nearby is a pretty good choice.

"I'm going to drown. I don't know how to get under" ... Wanda ... in order to drown, you'll have to get under ... so at least one challenge is going to be solved soon.

"I can't make myself do it" ... Wanda ... give it a few more minutes and Desiree will probably help you out there.

"Once the bus driver is satisfied with their cleaning job, they will receive their next clue" ... Phil ... given that these are the people who continually demand exact change, just how easy do you think it is to make them satisfied?

"It's a physical task but teams control their own destiny and can finish as quickly as their stamina allows" ... Phil on bus cleaning ... correction ... they and a possible irritable bus driver looking for a lot of camera time control their destiny. Not very reassuring.

"Cathedrals are usually big" ... Yolanda ... with the exception of the ones in Vegas of course. Not sure the virgin of Smolensk would approve of Elvis working the altar.

"We're going to scrub because we're professional car washers" ... Jeremy ... did they end up going pro after winning gold at the last Olympics possibly?

"We helped y'all find the clue. / That slowed us down. I had that clue" ... Lake / Ray ... so much for "it was the thought that counts" philosophy of racing.

"Our taxi driver was looking at the clue and he had no clue" ... Eric ... bonding with the locals is always good, but to do it over ignorance might not be the best strategy.

"Nobody wants to help out a brother" ... BJ ... don't take it personally, BJ. Having democracy in Russia is one thing. Learning to accept hippies is a much bigger step.

"I am in Russia, playing with the dolls" ... Jeremy ... that's either Jeremy having some fun or sending a code to his CIA beach operatives back in the States.

"I'm good at cleaning, baby. I'm good at cleaning" ... Wanda to Desiree ... just what you wanted to do on your trip around the world ... clean something. Will the next detour involve ironing?

"El trunk? / ‘El trunk,' Mom? He's Russian not Spanish" ... Wanda / Desiree ... it may be time to employ the universal cabbie signal for trunk ... pounding very loudly.

"You're all lovely dancers. I wish I could watch you" ... Eric ... urge to multitask ... rising.

"Look at this rotten mammy jammer" ... Lake on the dolls ... can't figure why the marketing dept. chose "nesting" dolls as the name over that one.

"I wish I was in Brazil right now" ... Dani ... not that cleaning buses is any better there, but the non-parka aspect does sound appealing.

"It's like an Easter egg hunt" ... Ray ... if kids had to search that hard to find chocolates at Easter, they would end up beating the crap out of the Easter Bunny.

"That music is like playing with my head" ... Ray ... yeah, Russian house music does take a little getting used to.

"Can you do a lucky dance for me? A lucky find-the-clue-y dance?" ... BJ ... if the dance begins with pointing at you, laughing, and shaking her head, odds are she's not on your side.

"Give me five. Do they ‘give me five' in Russian?" ... Lake ... well, a kiss on both cheeks might be more traditional, but Lake could misinterpret that. How good he looks in a Speedo might have gotten around.



There are many kinds of farms around, but a farm with a zip line has to be the coolest. Harvesting crops has now been an extreme sport.

By jumping out of the bushes and scaring other racers, have BJ and Tyler won over their hearts or ensured that they'll miss the brake pedal next time?

I know BJ and Tyler are fond of VWs, but to hug Dave and Lori's bug into the first clue parking lot might have crossed the line of "loving your car."
Hopefully the Russian phrase list Dani and Danielle picked up on the airplane included a translation for “boobs” for themselves and “Follow those hippies” for the guys.
Hopefully the Russian phrase list Dani and Danielle picked up on the airplane included a translation for "boobs" for themselves and "Follow those hippies" for the guys.

Note to racers: When you are at a swimming pool, a clue that reads "take the plunge" probably means just that. Were they suspecting the roadblock would involve getting married somehow?

Did anyone else suspect Barry would end up doing 10 laps of the pool before he spotted the clue?

If Wanda couldn't make herself dive into the pool, wouldn't getting out and taking a big jump back in do the trick? Wouldn't gravity insist she goes down?

If God is with any team, he is with BJ and Tyler for taking a moment of silence to look at cathedral. Expect a few plagues for those teams that turned it into a racetrack.

Hate to be the TAR staffer that had to confirm that there were only 10 clues in the 1500 nesting dolls. Job satisfaction goes out the window on that task.

Is it poor racing or just trendy these days to leave your clues and passport lying around all over the place?

How high on the union seniority list did Dani and Danielle's cameraman have to be to score the job of following them into the girls' changing room to recover their clue?

Instead of a cab, would it have made more sense to find an off-duty trolley to go to the trolley park. I mean ... wouldn't they know best where it is?

Kudos to the choreographer that took up the challenge of coming up with a dance to go with people searching through nesting dolls. Blended kind of seamlessly, I thought.