"In Control" - Vol. IX, No. 3
So, let's continue with part 3 of our series on the interview process for The Amazing Race. You'll recall that parts 1 and 2 dealt with the application and the semi-finalist interviews.
We will assume that you used one of our suggestions for your application. We'll also figure that you followed our directions regarding conduct, appearance, origami, and bribery for the semi-finalist interviews. (Since if you didn't, you just blew your shot at a finalist interview.)
You've just completed your interview and are probably sitting at a bar trying to get that taste out of your mouth, but you're also wondering what happens next. Just as in the army, nothing happens fast with TAR casting. Relax. You've got a couple of weeks before you get the call telling you when to be in Los Angeles.
Finally the call comes and before you know it, it's welcome to Los Angeles! The picture above is about as close as you're going to get to the famed Hollywood sign. Trust us. In fact, our casting agent gave us the best advice that any of the prospective teams got - bring along a Play Station. (We did, but we'll cover that in the section on how to ingratiate yourselves with the hall monitors.)
As soon as you arrive, you should be able to tell how the week is going to progress. You will be met in the lobby of the hotel and told to wait while...
WE INTERRUPT THIS POTENTIALLY LAME COLUMN TO BRING YOU THE FOLLOWING BREAKING NEWS:
Note from Steve & Dave: when we do a "series" of articles like this, we generally work on the series as a whole, and decide later where to break the whole into individual column-sized pieces. Thus, the above portion of what was to be the third part of this series was actually written several weeks ago, prior to the introduction of a "new" columnist on TARflies. We decided to include it here since it would have gone to waste otherwise, and it happened to be a clause on our now-known-to-be-inadequate contract.
You see - Steve and Dave are officially On Strike. Management at this site has unilaterally decided to include this new (unproven) "columnist" in the left side highlight bar (several times even daring to list it ABOVE our column), has knowingly and willfully encouraged this new "columnist" to write weekly columns on the race, and has even gone so far as to tout these new columns as having been written by a former racer. All of these things were done without so much as a word of fair warning to the both of us. We felt so cheap and used, tossed aside like yesterday's catfish dinner. Does seniority mean anything to the hierarchy?
We initially shrugged it off, since we had been routinely writing circles around the rest of the regular columnists here. We knew that it would only take a week and she'd be fighting with SVNBob and Bellmoose for the title of second most adored column on TARflies. After reading her first offering, we figured that even TARflies management would see that they had a one-trick-pony on their hands. Now, before you get all weepy-eyed and think that Steve & Dave are just like Rachel and loathe children, take a breath and re-read the supposedly child-penned piece-o-work. Yes, that's right, it's ghost-written.
Oh, we have the proof. For starters, just look at her last column. "I had to watch...this...episode on tape..." We're supposed to believe that a nine-year-old knows about videotape? Yeah, right. If she had claimed to have watched it on a DVD-RW or on TiVo, the article would have been slightly more believable - but only slightly. Look at some of the rest of the evidence we have:
"...it was past my bedtime." (Riiigghht! Like any kid over 4 has a bedtime any more.)
"I wonder if they have any Waffle Houses in Brazil..." (So obviously written by the father.)
"...couldn't spank Monica's butt..." (Ditto.)
Now let's talk about the rampant plagiarism exhibited by the newbie. Steve and Dave make up every one of their lousy jokes (except Pirate humor). Does the new "kid" do the same? We say NO. Check out these quotes, one from the new "columnist", and the other from the CBS TAR9 website:
Carissa: "...John and Scott got eliminated."
CBS website: "...John and Scott became...eliminated..."
Carissa: "...rappel down a building."
CBS website: "...rappel down a...building."
Gee, we wonder where 'Carissa' got her quotes...
Anyhow, even when presented with our evidence management continued their egregious actions, and we were left with no alternative but to strike. In the meantime, Steve's 6-year-old daughter Olivia will write the column.
Steve and Dave's no-nonsense demands:
- No more fawning over a 41-year-old man pretending to be his 9-year-old daughter. "MySpace" is full of them, and it's illegal in the USA and the parts of Canada that have settlements.
- Fawn over Steve and Dave instead.
- Carissa has years to recover from your rebuke. Steve and Dave have precious few months left.
- At least one nice comment from Zron per column.
- More Doritos and cigarettes.
- One word from MamaTiger about how "her husband went on strike once when he was in Kuala Lumpur" and the deal's off!
- Gobs more cash.
My daddy is mean. He said I cud not watch the Mazing Race. He said it was "Dad Time" and he was waching Law and Order. So I went to his room and wached SponjBob on his TV. It was really good. It was the one where Patrick turnd into a clam.