Amazing Race Rants

Amazing Race Rant - Episode Two


"This is Sao Paolo, Brazil. The largest city in the Southern hemisphere" ... Phil ... where the hotels are shaped like boats, big snakes are in the religion, and every second person uses a helicopter or motorbike to commute.

"Will Fran and Barry move past their mistakes and stay competitive in the race?" ... Phil ... moving past their mistakes is not the issue ... it's moving past the clue boxes over and over that's the main hurdle.

"And can Lisa and Joni find a way to climb out of last place?" ... Phil ... at 6feet tall, it's going to be a long climb for sure.

"Let's wait for the other guys. They're only 2 minutes behind us so we can go together" ... Eric ... translation: so we can follow and let them find the place.
It might help their race focus a bit if someone clued them in that winning a million dollars could get them many girls.
"We're here for the race and we're here to do well on the race. But we definitely have girls on our brains" ... Eric ... it might help their race focus a bit if someone clued them in that winning a million dollars could get them many girls.

"But if we get some sex on the race / Or dating or something / Or sex, then it's good" ... Eric / Jeremy / Eric ... every pit stop now becomes Eric and Jeremy's bachelor pad. Hang a sock on the camera crew if you're with a girl.


"Naughty things are going to happen" ... Eric ... followed by even more naughty lawsuits.

"We both have a competition and a brotherhood with Eric and Jeremy" ... Tyler ... Eric, Jeremy, BJ, and Tyler as brothers. For sure, the family reunions wouldn't be boring.

"It's funny because we come from two different worlds, but for some reason we have a fundamental understanding of each other" ... Tyler ... Tyler understands that the guys are young but lazy, and the guys understand that BJ & Tyler are navigators but not chicks. Very cosmic.

"Having that boost of self-confidence is going to help us a lot" ... Desiree on coming in third ... a definite feather in your cap ... at least till you notice you got beaten by two beach bums and a couple of hippies. It droops a bit after that.

"Being in love with each other ... is going to be the glue to get through this whole thing" ... Dave on the race ... let's hope it stays that way. With a little stress and a few bad choices, the glue of love can get pretty sticky and gooey.

"She's my hottie boom bottie with the naughty pelotties. I love you" ... Dave ... the CBS censors were probably wondering whether to bleep that or not. I'm just thankful he didn't start rapping. He's got the rhyme but lacks the rhythm, I fear.

"Hey, there's prostitutes" ... Jeremy ... he's got a keen eye for his priorities. When they talked about sex on the race, who knew it would be literally "on the race"? Those guys can multitask.

"That's a man, dude. / I just said that guy had a nice ass" ... Jeremy / Eric ... nice to see that they're equal opportunity harassers.

"Hey, let's go get my boyfriend first ... bring him with us" ... Eric on the prostitute ... good idea, but it will cost you $100/hr. Plus if you want any kinky stuff like "pull the clue out of the box" or "tear open the envelope", that'll be extra.

"Lake is definitely a type A personality" ... Michelle ... if you don't believe me, he'll be happy to yell at you till you do.

"Dealing with him is sometimes hard, but that's where my strength comes in" ... Michelle ... would that be right hook strength or sleeper-hold strength?

"If I step in and say let's calm down a little bit, he has the tendency to step back and do things differently" ... Michelle ... or he could be stepping back just to get a running start through you.

"We started off with a strategy that our femininity was going to get us through this race" ... Dani ... who needs talent and skill when you've got the gullibility of men?

"and it definitely didn't take us as far as we thought it would" ... Dani ... well, it did get you an open invitation to visit Eric and Jeremy's tent. That's something, I guess.

"It's just how badly you want something and how far you're willing to push yourself" ... Dani ... but having a cute tank top available makes for a good Plan B.

"You got to make the girls feel good, so you can get in their pants later" ... Eric ... a sound philosophy, but it doesn't quite have that nice fortune cookie ring to it, does it?

"Oh, you're the best fireman ever" ... Eric to Jeremy ... under those standards, the traits of any great fireman would be strength, bravery, and laziness.

"I can't do it. I can't. I'll have a heart attack" ...Danielle on rappelling ... wonder if being lowered down the side of the building in a stretcher counts as completing the task?

"I don't know why I would say I want to do this" ... Danielle ... a chance to meet some cute firemen and paramedics would be my best guess.
Looking at the wall is pretty good advice, but letting go? When climbing down the side of the building, letting go just doesn’t sound like the best plan to me.
"Concentrate on letting go and looking at the wall" ... Fran ... okay, looking at the wall is pretty good advice, but letting go? When climbing down the side of the building, letting go just doesn't sound like the best plan to me.

"I heard you have guns" ... Jeremy to Dani ... and Lord grant them the wisdom to bring them out on Eric and Jeremy.

"Let me see this thing. I'm going to touch it a little bit. It's pretty nice" ... Eric on Dani's butt ... sounds like if Eric ever quits his current job, he'd make a pretty good produce inspector.

"You girls are naughty" ... Eric ... just who's grabbing whose ass around here anyway?

"Once they complete the task, they'll be given their next clue ... however, they'll have to pour the ethanol into their car before driving to their next destination" ... Phil ... and this extra 30 seconds is a challenge how? Are they forced to smoke during the pouring procedure or something?

"Back to our roots in these VWs, huh, buddy?" ... Tyler ... they've found the Holy Grail of Hippiedom. Nice to see that the essence of the Hippie movement never really went away ... it just moved to Latin and South America.

"You know, all in all, it's fun just following" ... Jeremy ... oddly enough, that's what all the lemmings say just before reaching the edge of the cliff.

"They're going to, like, lose us, because we're not doing any of the searching / helping" ... Eric on MoJo ... funny how insensitive people can be to others riding on their coattails. We're not really following you ... just think of us as a Rear Guard.

"Too bad she has a boyfriend / Yeah, I'd spank her butt, too" ... Jeremy / Eric ... well, until things change, the only Monica butt spanking they'll do is if they ram their VW from behind.

"I may hold you back today, Joseph, because we're up against two guys, but I will work my butt off to get up that rope" ... Monica ... probably a good idea anyway due to the possible spank attacks.

"I can't wait to slip on my Speedo" ... Jeremy ... he may look stylish, but I still wouldn't want to follow on that rope after him.

"Climb like a monkey, boy" ... BJ to Tyler ... well, monkey-like at least. Any self-respecting monkey using a helmet and ascenders in the jungle would get the bananas beat out of him.

"Where's all the girls helping us? We need girls in swimsuits" ... Jeremy ... prudish producers ... going for safety over the sizzle. Next time, if you bring in swimsuit girls to hold the guide ropes, make sure to include the bikini clad paramedics once you fall and break your neck

"I totally did that experiment in school" ... Dave on making ethanol ... afterwards, the firemen were very understanding and his hair did eventually grow back.

"C'mon, Joseph. You get a big kiss when you get up" ... Monica ... not so loud. If Eric and Jeremy hear that offer, it'll be like feeding spinach to Popeye.

"Who needs reverse gear? We've got hippie power" ... Tyler ... strange how hippie-powered cars never really took off outside of San Francisco.

"I'm filthy ... and I love it" ... Monica ... bad timing, Joseph. There's never a pit stop around when you need one.

"We made a mistake with the motorcycle and we knew nothing about sugar cane" ... Fran ... keep in mind though that the average sugar cane stalk has much fewer moving parts than your standard motorcycle engine.

"I can't keep this car alive. You got to tell me where to go" ... Lisa ... first choice would be to the nearest mechanic or tow truck. A driving school might work, too.

"I'm driving and you're telling me where to go. That's how we're working together" ... Lisa ... no, you're freaking out, and she's looking up the Portuguese word for "sedative." That's how you're working together.

"I hope our girls don't get eliminated. / Then what are we going to do? Hook up with hippies?" ... Eric / Jeremy ... wouldn't be so bad. They're friendly, good navigators, and they have the right length of hair from the back. Use some imagination, guys.

"Make some home-made moonshine" ... Lori on Ethanol ... science's answer of how to literally drink and drive.

"The spirit of Mr. Wizard is with us right now" ... Dave ... and he's probably saying "why do I always get the nerds?" Can't the cute girls from NY do the science detour for once?

"This is karma for all the times I passed out in chemistry class" ... Desiree ... maybe ... but if you tried sitting more than a foot away from Bunsen burner gas, you might not have passed out so much.

"Oh, so we're supposed to enjoy looking at the scenery? I'm fixin' to pass out from the damn exhaust fumes" ... Lisa ... the fumes might make the scenery look better. Only get worried if the sky starts bleeding or the road starts yelling at you.
Well, he was on the damn mat, but now he’s in his damn trailer and he damn well won’t come out until you show him some damn respect.
"Where's the damn Phil at?" ... Eric ... well, he was on the damn mat, but now he's in his damn trailer and he damn well won't come out until you show him some damn respect.

"Phil, you know how cranky I am right now? I'm going to smack you woman" ... Eric ... wonder how cranky Eric will be once Phil stuffs the Travelocity gnome up his smart ass?

"You guys seem to be thinking a lot about the opposite sex" ... Phil ... thinking ... speaking ... acting ... it all comes as a convenient complete set for all your hormonal needs.

"Is this what it is normally like at home? / Yeah. It's a good time" ... Phil / Jeremy ... is Phil being disapproving of the lifestyle, or simply looking for their address?

"I'm not getting it. I'm not getting anywhere" ... Fran on climbing the rope ... on the bright side, at that speed she's not going to miss any clue boxes on the climb up.

"Michelle, you're doing great. Get your ass up that mountain" ... Lake ... a pinch of compliment with a scoop of threat and voila ... Lake's motivational gumbo.

"I hope this is not a ridiculous rope climb" ... Danielle ... not ridiculous? Damn. Okay, task crew, let's lose the slinky rope and tell the clown spotters to head home.

"We can get up there in two seconds after I did the rappel thing" ... Danielle ... sounds simple enough. I mean why bring in pesky things like gravity into the equation.

"It's okay. Just calm down. All you have to do is stay calm" ... Joni to Lisa ... and after calming down, please hit the brakes before we roll backwards into a ditch.

"Pretend you're giving birth to a child" ... Joni on working the press... interesting comparison. On that note, just bring one of those presses into a high school and you could wipe out any threat of teen pregnancy instantly.

"I didn't. I had a C-section" ... Lisa ... then give the cane some painkillers, hold its stalk, and just do your best.

"Do not expect me to ask anybody. I am overdone with Spanish. / It's Portuguese" ... Lake / Michelle ... good point, Michelle, but I think anything beyond angry, loud English is not going to work with him now.

"I like Barry and Fran, but this is a race" ... Dani on passing them by ... very true. But if Fran and Berry thought that way, you would still be doing CPR on Danielle on the rooftop in Sao Paolo.

"I tell you, we have wasted so much time, it's not even funny" ... Lake ... no, no. It is funny. No worries there.

"Danielle. When I say run, act like you're at the Olympics" ... Dani ... meaning run very fast and do a victory lap around the mat. Just don't hand Phil a urine sample, okay?

"You want prizes. Is that what you want?" ... Phil to Dani & Danielle's hand motions ... the Travelocity gnome says for eighth place, you have your choice of a subway token or an old sleeping bag. Better luck next leg.

"We thought you'd be sleeping, Phil" ... Fran on showing up late ... no worries. Phil can just claim overtime. Still, it would be an interesting twist to have Phil in his robe and PJs lecturing them about missing curfew.

"I needed to hear some encouraging words, and she was really, really good about doing that" ... Lisa ... it wasn't hard. You had already used up all the discouraging ones.

"To experience a race with my sister. Money can't buy that. There's no way a million dollars could ever buy that" ... Joni ... but it could come darn close.



Prostitutes walking the streets at 5:30 am? Hoping to catch the morning commuters for whom coffee just isn't enough of a wake-up, I guess.

If you start dating someone on a race around the world, is that considered long distance dating?

Love those Brazilian fire escapes. They're stylish and with one easy tuck, you could roll your way to the bottom in no time flat.

If Dave had actually beat Lake and Joseph to the top of the building, would they have been forced to hang him upside down or face the wrath of their peers back home?

I know Lake is reading the clues more closely now, but he has to realize that to go to the bus station does not literally imply that you have to take the bus there.

Note to Lake: In a city of 20 million people, you might want to consider the possibility that the urban planners built more than one bus station.

After the task promoting Ethanol, do you think the big oil companies are going to be offering any more free gas prizes this season? That ship has sailed.

Screw growing flowers and vegetables this season. Time to plant some sugar cane and fill up the tank in your own backyard.
Should Eric and Jeremy invest in some breadcrumbs for the other teams? It would make following them a little easier.
Should Eric and Jeremy invest in some breadcrumbs for the other teams? It would make following them a little easier.

I felt bad for Lisa hurting her car by riding the clutch the whole time. Then again, on VW bugs, a destroyed clutch might be one of the available options.

It was probably a good choice to do the Ethanol task. The rope climb may have been faster, but did it offer free gas?

She had problems with the motorcycle engine and the rope ascenders. Maybe the new strategy should be to keep Fran away from all things mechanical.

Thanks to Eric and Jeremy, CBS plans to release footage of the teams during their pit stop stay as a either new steamy nighttime soap or late night soft porn.