Amazing Race Rants

Amazing Race Rant - Episode One (Part Two)

"It says search for it. We're searching" ... Barry on the clue ... apparently a special Fran and Barry clause needs to be added to the clues stating "and also find it!"

"Barry, we're not seeing anybody else" ... Fran ... with their spotting abilities, the other teams could be bumping into them, and they still wouldn't see them.
The cameraman is probably sharing that sentiment. He did everything but cough loudly and kick the damn box.
"I cannot believe it. I absolutely can't believe this" ... Fran ... the cameraman is probably sharing that sentiment. He did everything but cough loudly and kick the damn box.

"My mother is the kind of person who can overreact in tense situations" ... Desiree ... phew, luckily you didn't bring her a show where tense situations might come up occasionally. That would be really bad.

"My role in the team is to keep us on task" ... Desiree ... and administer Valium if and when necessary.

"It sounds like the motorcycle might be difficult. / We don't have any mechanical experience really" ... Lori / Dave ... probably bad memories of being beaten up by the kids from shop class, too.

"I think we should walk. This isn't working" ... John ... good idea. By walking, you'll get lost at a far slower pace.

"I'm going to pull out all my hair, I think" ... Desiree ... and she's the calm one on the team? It's going to be tough to come up with a team nickname for the freaked out mom and the bald girl.

"This is not even the right place. We're at some sort of friggin' military base. This is not good." ... Eric ... on the bright side, a couple of longhairs like BJ and Tyler trying to drive into a military base ... 50/50 chance they be incarcerated.

"We just don't know how to read their little manual here" ... Dave on the pilot manual ... hopefully the pilot will know how to read it. It's a little more challenging asking for directions at 500ft.

"We're flying. We're flying. We're flying" ... BJ ... and this without even leaving the ground? They'll be lucky if the pilot doesn't fly them to the nearest police station

"Holy smackers. Is this the most unbelievable experience of your lifetime?" ... Tyler to BJ ... which part? The helicopter ride or the fact that a grown man has used the term "Holy Smackers"?

"We're going to put together a motorcycle" ... Dani ... some purists might say "build a motorcycle." The way they say it, it sounds more like an elaborate Lego project.

"It is necessary that you help us" ... Danielle to guy on stoop ... after just one kiss? Man, Brazil has got some strict contract laws.

"I don't know what I'm doing here" ... guy on stoop ... then you'll fit in with the girls quite nicely.

"These girls are crazy" ... guy on stoop ... nah, the girls are fine. Trying to ride any motorcycle that they build, however ... now that's crazy.

"Gracias. For nothing" ... Dani to guy on stoop ... well, he did teach you that you should see who knows how to build a bike first, before you begin kiss recruitment procedures.

"Dani, we're just going to get dirty" ... Danielle ... the three big questions on any detour: how close is it, how hard is it, and am I wearing something machine washable?
As long as you're multitasking anyway, you can try grumbling, swearing under your breath, and giving him the evil eye.
"C'mon babe. / I'm looking. / Well, jog and look" ... Joseph / Monica / Joseph ... and as long as you're multitasking anyway, you can try grumbling, swearing under your breath, and giving him the evil eye.

"Let's do motorhead. I'm good at putting things together" ... Fran ... unless the motorcycles are being made by IKEA, this might be more challenging than she might think.

"I don't think it was there before" ... Fran on the clue box ... possibly. The prime suspects would be a Brazilian fraternity stunt or maybe the other teams just wanted a souvenir.

"There's Scott Peterson right there" ... Joseph on Lake ... the celebrity version of the Amazing Race has certainly been scraping the bottom of the barrel, hasn't it?

"Detour. Take a taxi one mile. God" ... Lake ... that does sound like a challenge, Lake, but you might want to read the rest of the clue. It seems a little light.

"Don't second guess me or we will not go there" ... Lake ... don't make me turn this cab around and go home. If you're good on the ride, I'll buy you an ice cream at the pit stop.

"Everything that could go wrong has gone wrong. What's that smell?" ... Joni ... most likely, it's the smell of one more thing going wrong.

"They think we're trying to sell something" ... John ... can't blame the locals. A couple of foreigners yelling out a bridge name. Even in Sao Paolo, they don't fall for the old "selling the Viaduto Santa Efigenia" scam anymore.

"We need to have a direction. So if you don't have one, I'm going to come up with one" ... John ... if this is the extent of your strategy, I would choose heading North. It'll get you back to the USA all the quicker.

"When we're not going anywhere, I need you to come up with an idea or go with my idea" ... John ... ironically enough, Scott came up with an idea and went with John's, too. Must be some sort of quota system.

"You have a normal in your life. This is their normal" ... Joni on the people of Sao Paolo ... yeah, dragging American tourists and their camera crews around town. Just another routine day in Sao Paolo.

"They would probably be out of place where we live" ... Lisa ... certainly there would be a lot less Portuguese spoken than they're used to. A Texas Carnivale probably wouldn't be the same, either.

"We'll see you guys at the finish line" ... Jeremy to BJ & Tyler ... it's not easy to be polite and smug in the same sentence, but Jeremy pulls it off nicely.

"Dude, is this the most James Bond thing you've ever done? / This is pretty James Bond" ... Tyler / BJ ... believable since I don't think martinis are their drink of choice and the last time these guys saw a tux was probably at prom.

"Very exciting. You ride over the city. You come in right over the buildings. It's incredible" ... Lori on helicopters ... yeah, they tried going between the buildings at first ... it didn't work out so well. And don't get them started on that whole copter - subway fiasco.

"I think this should be the pit stop, Mom. What do you think?" ... Desiree on the hotel room ... Phil would probably be in favour. A chair, TV, wetbar ... just check yourself in and grab some munchies from room service.

"I'm so glad we picked this. I mean, it's a once in a lifetime experience for me" ... Desiree on the helicopter ... the building of the motorcycle would be, too ... but then again, your brain may end up suppressing that trauma down pretty deep.

"I'm going to kill this motorcycle" ... Dani ... no need. With you trying to build it, it's already contemplating suicide.

"We are obviously not mechanics" ... Danielle ... where would they sew their name patches on, anyway?

"We're never putting a motorcycle together ever again" ... Dani ... not exactly sure that you actually did it the first time.
A little nitrous and Novocain, and we'll have this motorcycle screaming in no time. Hope it has a good HMO.
"We can get ahead of some people if I can put the motorcycle together fast. You know I'm good with my hands" ... Lake ... a little nitrous and Novocain, and we'll have this motorcycle screaming in no time. Hope it has a good HMO.

"Shut up. They're too close behind us" ... Michelle on helping Fran and Barry ... a good strategy. A better one though might have been talking about it when Barry wasn't standing right behind you.

"We're ahead of somebody. They might help us later" ... Lake ... sure. Fran and Barry would be happy to escort on walking tours in and around all the clue boxes.

"Here comes Ray. / He'll never put it together faster than I will" ... Michelle / Lake ... that's right. He's only a lawyer, while I'm a dentist. If he was an accountant, now that would be a whole different matter.

"We're totally out of our element" ... Joni on Sao Paolo ... well, you are blonde and 6 feet tall. Aside from a fashion show or Sweden, where exactly would your element be?

"Martinez, how many girls do you get? Seriously, being a helicopter pilot, they're all over you" ... Eric ... he certainly has the chance to make quite an impression when he picks one up for the first time, provided she has a big driveway.

"That was a sweet three-point turn" ... Tyler on the helicopter ... not an easy thing to do in a helicopter. Forget to check the blind spot and somebody's getting a Mohawk.

"I have never been in a helicopter, dude" ... Joseph ... don't tell the pilot that. He'll fly you around Sao Paolo for half and hour just to run the meter up.

"We kissed in a helicopter over Sao Paolo. We'll remember that forever" ... Dave ... it was a romantic moment. If Casablanca had ended with Bogie and Bergman exchanging a secret handshake, it wouldn't have been nearly as powerful.

"This is a rat race. New York I don't think compares to a rat race. Now this is a rat race" ... Wanda ... and Sao Paolo can back it up with the actual rats, too.

"Don't be my demise" ... Lake on the engine ... with his temper and attitude sitting back as innocent bystanders to the whole demise thing, I guess.

"We don't know what to do with this? / The spark plug goes at the top of the engine. / I don't know what the engine is" ... Fran / Lake / Fran ... ah, okay. Let me explain. The engine is that thing in the taxi that will make it go to the other detour location for you.

"I thought he was going to show us" ... Fran ... you had him at spark plug ... but lost him at "where's the engine?"

"I am absolutely sick to my stomach. We made a major mistake" ... Fran ... stopping for roadside Portuguese food will do that to you every time.

"This is very sad. A sad day" ... Fran ... a happy day for the cameraman, though. He got to see a lot of Sao Paolo, and the way your race is going, he'll be able to put in for overtime soon.

"You're the best cab driver" ... John to cab driver ... a compliment, but considering they've only had two drivers and the other one got them lost, it's not a "made my day" kind of statement.

"Oh no, we've got somebody behind us. / Crap a big load of turds" ... Lisa / Joni ... well, better now than inside the helicopter. Opening the windows or lighting a match aren't real options there.

"I'm peeing in my pants. / Me too" ... Joni / Lisa ... there is a limit to working together as a team, and these two have gone way beyond it.

"Thank you Jesus" ... Joni on entering the helicopter ... always a good idea, but you might want to wait until you're back safe on the ground. Jesus could be just biding his time till you're airborne.

"I was in a helicopter when I was like ten. I yelled so much they brought it right down" ... John ... and on that note, the pilot quietly shuts his radio off, and preps his parachute.

"I couldn't think of anybody I'd want to do this with more." ... Barry to Fran ... a licensed mechanic might have been a good choice, though.

"You have won $10,000 each. / Don't go to school. Drop out" ... Phil / Eric ... somehow I don't see him getting a lot of work now as a motivational speaker to students.
Someone should tell Tyler that doing a baseball slide while yelling a football term in a soccer stadium does not equate to him being considered a tri-athlete.
"Touchdown" ... Tyler sliding into the mat ... someone should tell Tyler that doing a baseball slide while yelling a football term in a soccer stadium does not equate to him being considered a tri-athlete.

"We haven't eaten much. We haven't slept much. But we've been fueled by the race. This is a very powerful substance" ... Tyler ... you've fallen for Phil's trap. The first leg is free, but fixes going forward are going to cost you.

"This young man of yours is pretty expressive" ... Phil on Lake ... he is actually a quiet guy down deep, or maybe it just seems that way after all the yelling and aggression have destroyed your hearing.

"Genie power is, we have to think of what we want and then it comes true" ... John ... hope you were wishing for getting the cab driver's respect back, because that's probably been blinked out the window.

"Eighth place? How did that happen?" ... Barry ... There are other teams wondering the same thing.

"Our forte is our mental ability and that sort of let us down today" ... Barry ... nah, mental is working fine. Now the inability to discern the colours green, red, and yellow ... that's a more serious problem.

"Hopefully we got that out of our system" ... Barry ... and broke out the bifocals from the backpack for the next leg.

"Rue Fredrico Abracadabra" ... Joni ... it's where all the Brazilian Hogwarts students do their shopping.

"There were so many things in his big huge fear closet. He just ripped that closet open and went through it" ... Scott ... kind of a mental spring cleaning. Oddly enough, coming back out of the closet was the easiest challenge of them all.

"We didn't win the million dollars but I won the key to the door to the rest of my life" ... John ... but sadly, the IRS seized 50% of that key immediately after the race.



Should Fran and Berry modify their racing strategy to include "watch the cameraman and see if he focuses on something for more than a few seconds"?

With all those helicopters in the air, why did nobody hum the theme from Apocalypse Now. I love the smell of Sao Paolo in the morning.

Install a couple of Sidewinder missiles on each helicopter, and we could have had a completely different race.

Saint Cecilia ... a neighbourhood in Sao Paolo and also the Matron Saint of Simon and Garfunkel songs.
Saint Cecilia ... a neighbourhood in Sao Paolo and also the Matron Saint of Simon and Garfunkel songs.

Typically I'd be all for a religion with a big snake in it, but locating it in a warehouse smacks of heavy lifting.

Kudos to John, Scott, Wanda, and Desiree with being more impressed with the hotel room clue location than finding the actual clue itself.

Kudos to Yolanda to working on the motorcycle in spite of all the whistling and cat calls. And also to Ray, for staying focused on the task rather than slapping everyone with a harassment lawsuit.

Are Joni and Lisa screaming so much because they are excited or is it just to scare the other teams to death?

Note to Joni and Lisa: Careful with the screaming in the helicopter. The pilot may opt for the peace and quiet of a nice crash over listening to you.

Did Ray get extra points for not only getting his motorcycle to work but creating a giant smoke screen in the process?

Note to Lake: it's okay to get caught up in a religious festival, but unless you're planning to baptize people with wax, dancing with a candle is never really a good idea.

Would Jesus be known as the Saviour today if his miracles just included helping people with travel manuals and sending cabs at the appropriate time?

Though nobody mentioned it, the soccer ball guy was cool. He should have tossed a hat on the mat and started collecting. Can the racers balance a ball behind their heads? I think not.