Amazing Race Rants

Amazing Race Rant - Episode One (Part One)

"From this mile high city, 11 teams will embark on a race around the world" ... Phil ... and for the poor residents of Denver, being one mile high apparently isn't high enough to escape reality TV.

"Lake and Michelle, married dentist and assistant" ... Phil ... married dentist and assistant? Too bad it wasn't teams of three ... then he could bring his wife along, too.

"Lake and I have our relationship set up that he is very much the leader" ... Michelle ... wonder if that was mutually decided upon, or was it best 2 out 3 arm wrestling?

"It probably does exemplify the way people perceive the South. The old era of Scarlett O'Hara making it through the war." ... Michelle ... and as God as her witness, she'll never do reality TV again.

"I have a very high confidence level. As far as compassion, I'm a little short on that part" ... Lake ... reassuring words coming from a dentist. He might need the million to make up for the cancellations coming up.
Hell, some might be threatened simply by you being a dentist. God knows what he could be carrying in his backpack.
"Some people might be threatened that I have drive and I'm goal-oriented" ... Lake ... hell, some might be threatened simply by you being a dentist. God knows what he could be carrying in his backpack.

"We're definitely going to be focused on the race, but we're girls, we're young, we like to have fun" ... Dani ... and they can probably re-use their Amazing Race intro for their Girls Gone Wild tapes.

"And we love boys" ... Dani ... well, since the boys on this race are either dating, married, lifelong friends, or slackers, the pickins are a little slim.

"When it comes down to being like a guy at a certain task, we're going to have to do it" ... Danielle ... the "be a guy" strategy for tasks. I wonder if that includes being too cocky before, doing it wrong during, or blaming your partner after.

"We seem angelic on the outside, but we're really devils" ... Dani ... not too difficult to believe. Historically you'll find very few angels in the Bible wearing hot pink tank tops

"We're really devils. / We really are" ... Danielle / Dani ... careful with the comments, girls. Some of the teams are likely to call upon God during the race, and he doesn't care too much for the devil folk

"BJ and I seek the joy in life. We feel we are searchers for the funny and ironic" ... Tyler ... and with their arrival on reality TV, their search is finally over.

"We're not out to destroy other teams, but to just beat them thoroughly" ... BJ ... the new hippie philosophy of peace, love, and the occasion beating of other teams.

"People will have trouble believing that these two free-spirited, fun-loving, long-haired, hippie-looking guys are actually going to be very deceitful and do what they can to win" ... Tyler ... if nothing else, it's bound to ruin their buzz, for sure.

"I kind of view Ray as the male version of myself" ... Yolanda ... I guess there's probably some benefits to dating someone exactly like yourself, unless you have a habit of letting somebody treat you on dates, of course.

"I'm from what you would say is the hood. People were going to jail all the time" ... Ray ... and you ended up on reality TV. We'll see who has it better.

"Physically, we're public enemy #1" ... Ray ... hell, being a lawyer alone puts him in the top 10.

"John and I are like family. My father called him his tallest daughter" ... Scott ... I'm sure the other daughters would have preferred he included hairiest or ugliest, too.

"I love him like a brother and nothing more than that" ... Scott ... gee, a quick jab at John and a nice dating video intro, all rolled into one.

"I need to do this race because I'm sick of living my life not doing anything" ... John ... obviously his brainstorming sessions never came up with "get a hobby" as a possible solution.
Man, those people in the 19th century must have led really empty lives not being able to fly anywhere.
"I'm not leading a full life because I'm afraid of certain things like flying" ... John ... didn't know that flying and a full life went hand in hand. Man, those people in the 19th century must have led really empty lives not being able to fly anywhere.

"Anything that's thrown at us, I think we can do it. Or at least we'll die trying" ... John ... music to a producer's ears. Confidence + death = ratings.

"We do yell at each other. We do bicker and fight. But we get over it really quickly" ... Joseph ... very efficient and it does cut down on the time needed to get started on the next fight.

"Joseph doesn't like to lose. His blood pressure goes up and he gets a little angry and frustrated" ... Monica ... sounds like a good racing partner to me. Throw in that he's a weapons expert and works for the post office, and they could win the whole thing.

"There's no stopping the Mojo" ... Joseph ... and sadly no stopping the clever team nicknames, either.

"We work as little as possible. Enough to get by and pay bills, but after that we don't care" ... Eric ... wow, it must be a joy to be on their Christmas gift list.

"We have no apologies in our lives because we like the way we live" ... Jeremy ... it's only future father-in-laws and bank managers that seem to have the hang-ups.

"We would like to be millionaires. / But we don't want to work" ... Jeremy / Eric ... ah, the American dream with a few steps missing. It must be really tough finding job ads to match that criteria.

"We are superheroes. We are the Glamazons" ... Lisa ... well, at 6 feet tall, you're allowed to call yourself pretty much whatever you want. Surprised that professional wrestling hasn't already copyrighted that name, though.

"Glamazon is kind of a glamourous Amazon" ... Joni ... warrior by day, diva by night. All fear the Glamazons.

"We're both bright. We both manipulate. We both tend to get our way a lot in life" ... Lisa ... and once they meet up with a cabbie who can't speak English, that trend may come to a shocking end.

"No is not an option. / No is never an option" ... Joni / Lisa ... strong attitudes are important, but they're going to have trouble clearing customs with that mantra

"We know each other so well, we can just read the face of the other and know that there's a problem" ... Fran ... now that's long term love for you. Of course, turning red in the face, sweating, and the grinding of teeth are good signals of a problem, too.

"I don't think Fran and I can play the role of the kindly grandfather and kindly grandmother" ... Barry ... boy, I bet their grandkids are really going to want and visit them for the holidays now.

"We've competed against younger people all of our life" ... Barry ... as teenagers, they dominated in every primary school hopscotch tournament.

"The challenge for me is to let her be an individual" ... Wanda ... no, the challenge will be not to ground her for being an individual.

"I'm going to have to trust her and not being the controlling type that I am" ... Wanda ... they could end up losing the race over a fight about the car keys.

"She's never been the kind of mom with the frumpy little Christmas sweaters with the pom poms on" ... Desiree ... well scratch that idea off the Xmas list. Don't know if the department stores have ever had much luck with their frumpy line of sweaters, in any case.

"Let them think we're these stupid little ... sexy little tamales or whatever they want to think" ... Desiree ... good attitude ... though all in all, being thought of as a sexy little tamale really isn't all that bad.

"We're going to salsa our way to the pit stop" ... Wanda ... nothing like taking a clue direction like walk or run, and giving it a nice Latin twist. Part Amazing Race, part Dancing with the Stars.

"We're probably two of the biggest nerds you'll ever meet." ... Dave ... ah, one more thing checked off my life to do list. Only scaling Everest is left.

"And we're not ashamed of that." ... Dave ... now the signed poster of Bill Gates ... okay, we are a bit ashamed of that.

"We're just in your face nerdy. It's one of our powers" ... Dave ... the power to scare, annoy, and amuse all rolled into one.

"She's really great at cards games. I'm really great at taking tests" ... Dave ... they're going to have quite a decision to make at the "Vegas / SAT" detour.

"How can you lose when you have Dave on your team?" ... Lori ... it'll only happen if a bully comes up and takes their lunch money for the leg.

"Run up the steps to your bags, read the clue, and jump into one of the cars. What you do after that is completely up to you" ... Phil ... and a note for Eric and Jeremy: selling the car for beach money is not a valid option.

"Let's go. / Where are we going?" ... BJ / Tyler ... enthusiasm and confusion always make for a fun viewing adventure.

"C'mon baby. Gimme your pack. / This altitude" ... Lake / Michelle puffing for breath ... did she say altitude or attitude? Maybe a bit of both.

"Hey man. First team to leave. First team to finish" ... BJ ... well maybe ... as long as they were all planning on driving to Sao Paolo.

"How the hell did the hippies run so fast?" ... Monica ... a combination of good health, good diet, and bad memories of police foot chases.

"They haven't been smoking pot for a while I guess" ... Monica ... you'll catch up as soon as they begin stopping to buy munchies every few miles.

"Slow and steady wins the race" ... Joni ... possibly ... but if the hare had a million bucks riding on the race, the story may have turned out much differently.

"I'm finally getting my breath back. / I feel a little blood in my lungs" ... Ray / Yolanda ... one of those times you're glad you're watching the Amazing Race and not CSI. Close ups we do not need.

"Dude, this car rocks. We're never going to drive a car like this again" ... Jeremy ... 10 teams excited about going to Brazil ... one team excited about driving a car made in this century.

"Fasten your seat belt. This is going to be a bumpy ride" ... Wanda ... Wanda either revealing her love of classic movies, or the poor state of Colorado highways.

"We have $140 probably to eat monkey testicles or something" ... Lisa ... hey, they're probably worth a lot more to the monkey. Besides only $70 is for the testicles ... you can use the other half for the stomach pump

"That was intense. / That was really intense" ... Joseph / Monica on passing another team... are they worried about the race or passing their driving test?

"The Amazing Race will allow Ray and I to be together for the longest time we've ever been together" ... Yolanda ... and as a bonus for her, all the waiting in airports and sleeping on the streets is going to make it seem even longer.

"I will get to learn things about him that I've not been exposed to yet" ... Yolanda ... getting a chance to discover new things after stressful constant travel and all while being filmed. And this is a good thing why?

"We have $140. Let's go to the bar and pick up some chicks" ... Eric ... okay, so they'd lose the million bucks, but hitting a bar with a camera crew in tow sure breaks the ice with the ladies.

"I mean seriously, we don't need that much money" ... Jeremy ... not sure if the Brazilian cab drivers would agree with them on that.

"Oh, the Ho's passed us" ... Eric ... it seems their angelic appearance didn't quite fool everyone.

"They were flying. / It's okay. They're hot" ... Eric / Jeremy ... good thing it wasn't the nerds ... they'd have been rammed off the road.

"We need a brush and makeup immediately" ... Dani on going to Brazil ... and time permitting, maybe a plane ticket, too.
Einstein as a nickname isnít too bad but it might be giving them a little too much credit. So far their only display of brilliance has been driving on the right side of the road.
"Team Einstein is ahead of us. That's what I'm going to call them because they both have glasses" ... Desiree ... Einstein as a nickname isn't too bad but it might be giving them a little too much credit. So far their only display of brilliance has been driving on the right side of the road.

"We will not go a little plane, do you think?" ... John ... to go to Brazil, probably not. Passengers kept complaining that a 30-hour ride in a Cessna was a bit rough.

"I'm not the best flyer in the world. This is the first time I've flown in 8 years" ... John ... no worries. Flying today is very safe ... as long as you're not a big Lost fan.

"Do you think they can tell we're tourists? We're 6 feet tall and blonde" ... Lisa ... just say you're Amazons tracing your roots and you'll fit in fine.

"Sometimes it's easier to let Lake take over because he has so much more confidence in the fact that he's right" ... Michelle ... confidence is important in making decisions. Of course, backing that up with talent and ability would be nice, too.

"You didn't mess us up at all" ... Lake to Michelle on phone-booking tickets ... Lake took care of the messing up part. Still his "you didn't screw up" compliment was sweet in a messed up kind of way.

"I feel like a pack mule" ... Joni ... c'mon, at 6 feet tall you've easily reached llama status.

"Really? I didn't read the whole thing" ... Lake discovering you can't book tickets by phone ... did he think the clue had filler on it or did it just get really boring after the second or third line?

"I'm sorry. That was partially my fault, really" ... Lake ... guess he figures the clue writer must be the other party at fault. Making him read the whole clue ... what's that about?

"Can we call you Double D?" ... BJ to Dani and Danielle ... not exactly an original line, but it's probably the first time they've hear it while having a guy maintain eye contact.

"Are you really about to start to cry? / No" ... Joseph / Monica on being behind in line ... but I am now thinking about hurting you severely, Mr. Sensitive. Thanks.

"You're really hot. / Yeah. You are." ... Lori / Dave ... well, either they're in love, or it's a brilliant strategy to make other teams flee the line. Probably both.

"He makes me laugh" ... Lori on Dave ... and for a change, it's with him and not at him.

"Michelle, you better run. / I am, Lake. / That black girl is going to out run you" ... Lake / Michelle / Lake ... well, Yolanda did run track in college, but probably being called "that black girl" is enough incentive to win this dash for sure.

"What's your name? / Lake. Like the ocean" ... Ray / Lake ... he probably still regrets being born during the family fishing trip.

"I'm Ray ... like the sun" ... Ray ... point to Ray for winning the clever first name battle. His street and legal skills are on.

"I can communicate with them in Spanish and a little Portuguese, so we're going to get along like peas and carrots" ... Wanda ... it certainly will cut down on the translation time for "we're hopelessly lost" or "get the hell out of my cab."

"Did you see pretty girls with big boobs, or a mom and a daughter?" ... Eric to cab driver ... hell, this is Brazil, sir. You can have both if you want. I know a place.

"We don't know if we maintained our lead? / But we did learn some useful Portuguese phrases" ... Tyler / BJ ... hopefully chief among them was "I know we look strange but ..."
Congrats to the girls for becoming famous on the first leg, but man, Brazil must be harder up for celebrities than I thought.
"Celebrities? / Yeah. We're celebrities" ... cab driver / Dani ... congrats to the girls for becoming famous on the first leg, but man, Brazil must be harder up for celebrities than I thought.

"I think he speaks Portuguese. / Is it (Spanish) not the same thing?" ... Joni / Lisa ... well no. There were enough differences with things like spelling, grammar, and countries of origin, that they decided to call each language a different name

"I thought that Spanish was the universal language of the world" ... Lisa ... nope ... speaking English loudly and slowly is ... with a few hand gestures thrown in for good measure.

"This is pretty unique all right. It looks like a ship, huh" ... Jeremy on the hotel ... all of the fun of appearing like a cruise ship, with none of the hassles of actually going anywhere. That's pretty unique.

"Hey, it looks nice up here" ... Jeremy on the view ... oddly enough, that may be what the architect had in mind when he built a rooftop patio.

"It's time for the handshake" ... Lori to Dave ... Brazil affects newcomers in many ways. With Lori apparently, it's the sudden desire to have a thumb war.

"I love Lori with all my heart, and nerds rule" ... Dave ... wedding vows as written by Bill Gates.

"Hi, I'm Jeremy and I'm Eric. Shut up" ... Dani on Eric and Jeremy ... for all their charm, the guys certainly didn't have them at hello, or even hi.

"Let's beat the hippies" ... Eric on racing to the clue box ... he's either very competitive or channeling the mantra of some riot cop from the 60s.

"What's that mean? Mazel Tov?" ... John on cab driver mumblings ... hopefully not, cause if your Brazilian cab driver starts congratulating you in Hebrew, you've made a major wrong turn somewhere.

"Hey, did a black team just through here?" ... Lake to hotel guy ... sorry. All you Americans with camera crews look alike to me.

"How would you feel if you had a big black man sittin' behind you talkin about ‘Are we close'?" ... Yolanda ... that would really depend on what he was doing back there, now wouldn't it?

"The task (motorhead) appears to be complicated" ... Phil ... but that's only because it is unless you happen to be Jesse James from American Chopper.

"I don't see it. I don't see it. It's got to be right in front of us" ... Barry on the clue box ... no, the producers knew you would think of that so they have fiendishly hid it right beside you instead.

 

Commentary

Seeing that many pickup trucks in a convoy, I wasn't sure if the racers were going to the starting line or to catch a Jeff Foxworthy show.

Whatever shrink told John to go on the Amazing Race to cure his fear of flying really should have his license revoked. That's like curing your fear of the ocean by renting Jaws.

Note to Joseph: just because you can make up easily with Monica is not a good enough reason to plow into her on your water-skis.
I was a little disappointed with the starting line take-off. Much like car racing or roller derby, you really only watch it to see the wipeouts.
I was a little disappointed with the starting line take-off. Much like car racing or roller derby, you really only watch it to see the wipeouts.

Are you more upset about hearing that Ken and Barbie broke up, or the fact that it was BJ and Tyler mentioning it?

If you feel the need to make a mad dash for the last flight just so you won't be last on the last flight ... has your competitive nature gone a bit too far?

As far as names go, would calling your hotel the "Hotel Unique" be a good idea or bad idea? It's a little tough to tell from the name if this is a "shaped like a boat" kind of unique or a "hotel from the Shining" kind of unique

Kudos to Wanda ... finally we have a racer that pronounces clue destinations better than Phil.

If Dave and Lori ever break up, who gets to keep their handshake?

A bold strategy Dave, but I really don't think they'll let you take all the clues out of the clue box.