In Control – Vol. VIII, No. 11
On TAR:FE, teams had to dress in costumes and have their picture taken.
On real TAR, teams had to dress in costume and carry 500 Kg of cheese.
On TAR:FE, teams had to drive around in a luxurious golf cart looking for colored golf balls.
On real TAR, teams had to play golf on an unmarked course in 100+ degree heat, with no golf cart.
On TAR:FE, teams had to climb on each other’s backs to build a teepee, or they had to build a horse-drawn wagon and drive it ¼ mile.
On real TAR, teams had to climb a vertical ice wall to get to the top, or they had to pilot a boat around a seven square mile bay filled with icebergs.
We could go on and on, but we’ve belabored the point enough already. Before we get to our picks, there was one comment we wanted to touch on from tonight’s show. The comment was, “she waved at me real snotty, so I ignored her”. You guessed it – it came from the Weavers. How does one go about waving in a snotty manner, or what (exactly) constitutes a ‘snotty wave’? We are familiar with stupid waves:
We also know about ocean waves:
Believe it or not, Steve and Dave even know about sine waves:
But ‘snotty waves’? We’re guessing that a snotty wave must be something like this:
Anyhow, on to the picks. Every year Steve and Dave study all the data, analyze each team’s strengths and weaknesses, factor in overall performance to date, and arrive at their pick(s) for who will win The Amazing Race. Every year, Steve and Dave are usually wrong. Perhaps that explains 8th place.
Dave: I’m going to quote myself – something I said before the race ever started, and it was about the Linz family: This is a “family” team that shouldn’t have been allowed. Four members, all between 19 and 24 years old. Can you say, “Congratulations – you have just won The Amazing Race”?
Logically, I should have been right. They are head and shoulders above both remaining teams – physically. Unfortunately, part of TAR:FE is mental (things like, ‘turn here, muttonhead’) and this is where the Linz family fails.
I am now leaning towards…the Weaver family. Why? I guess it’s because of their editing. Think back – TAR5 won by Chip and Kim, well-liked racers. TAR6 won by Freddy and Kendra, not so well-liked racers. TAR7 won by Uchenna and Joyce, again well-liked. We’ve gone good-bad-good over the last few races, it’s time for bad to win again. That means the Weavers. They will beat the Linzes to the end and all the other teams will boo. Wally and the girls will finish about 10 minutes back. Besides which, Wally told a friend of mine that they didn’t do too well (true story). He obviously lied, but maybe he was only talking about the last episode.
Steve: Your logic makes sense, but I just can’t pick the Weavers. I could kick the Weavers, I could nick the Weavers, if I had to I could even lick the Weavers, but I can’t possibly pick them.
I’d really like to see the Bransens win the race – you know, the whole Illinois connection and all – but they have Wally (who I think I’m going to like a lot when I meet him) on the team. Wally tends to slow the team down immensely every time they have a long walk or run. We all know that there is always a long run from the spot where teams leave their cars to the spot where Phil says, “Congratulations”. Thus, the Bransens won’t win either.
That leaves us with the Linz family. They are young, they’re fast, and they’re always near the front of the pack. This time they will be the front of the pack.
The Linzes win a foot-race with the Weavers, and both teams wait until the Bransens stroll in home in third place.
Consensus: Consensus? Who are you kidding? The only thing we’ve been able to reach consensus on all year is that TAR:FE sucks. We’ve got no consensus pick.
And finally, Steve and Dave have been trying all year to figure out a way to make TAR:FE not suck so badly. We might have finally done it. We present you with…TarDoKu!
It plays just like a regular Sudoku, only we’ve used pictures of the top 9 teams (sorry, Black family). Each team’s picture must appear once (and only once) in each row and column, and also once within each 3x3 box (outlined in bold lines). It can really be solved, so good luck. If you feel the need to cheat, Steve and Dave will gladly provide you with the answer – for a small
fortune fee, of course.