Amazing Race Rants

Amazing Race Rant - Episode Nine


“This is Salt Lake City … founded on the shores of the Great Salt Lake, the largest inland salt sea in the Western hemisphere” … Phil … so the founders decided to settle in a desert where the closest water supply is salted. With decisionmaking skills like that, I wonder how many of their descendents are in the Amazing Race this season.

“The Weavers family arrived last at the pit stop but were not eliminated” … Phil … proving the God must have a prayer quota and keeping the Weavers lost and wandering is one sure way to make his numbers.

“Now that the Linz family has finally claimed the top spot, will they be able to maintain their momentum for the rest of the race?” … Phil … not an easy thing to do. Just how many face plants do you think Nick has left in him?

“No running. No running. / No running?” … Megan / Tommy (Linz) … it’s either due to a city by-law, Megan not feeling well, or the Linzes have just gotten way too overconfident. If they start walking around on their hands, you’ll have your answer.

“Having my three brothers on this race is an advantage because I can also be spoiled” … Megan (Linz) … wow, free Indian rub burns and noogies anytime she wants them.

“I’d rather be outside if she’s going to throw up” … Nick (Linz) … alternatively, I’d rather she be outside if she’s going to throw up. It’s a long drive and we’re running low on car freshener.

“She’s not going to throw up. She’s got cramps” … Alex (Linz) … very sympathetic and I’m sure she appreciates you sharing that with the whole world, too.

“I love being the only female in this group” … Megan … it definitely cuts down on the cat fights, but she’s probably getting more than her fill of fart jokes.

“She’s probably getting sick of us is what the problem is” … Nick (Linz) … a severe case of Brotheritis or Siblerhea. Megan needs a Momidote, stat.

“There’s a lot of tension between the Linzs and the Godlewskis and the Weavers” … Elizabeth (Bransen) … it’s so thick, they can cut it with a knife … and just keep on cutting, and slicing, and stabbing.

“We all do a pretty good job of staying on task and not letting what other teams are doing get to us” … Elizabeth (Bransen) … unless what they are doing is finishing ahead of you. Maybe keeping one eye on them isn’t such a bad idea after all.

“Going into the race, I thought maybe we’d all get along better” … Christine (Godlewski) … that’s funny. Going into to the race, your sisters thought that they’d get along better with you in the roof rack.

“I don’t think it’s polite for even my sisters to diss on me and just give me a hard time” … Christine (Godlewski) … it’s not so much that it’s not polite but more the fact that they just really don’t care that might be the bigger problem here.

“I just kind of back down and it upsets me” … Christine (Godlewski) … then again, not much hasn’t on this race.

“Teams must now help a crew inflate a hot air balloon” … Phil … luckily, Tommy had chili the night before so this task should be a breeze, literally. Just keep him away from the open flame.
You forgot you were hauling a 60-foot trailer behind you? Either they’re really tired or the GMC Yukon has the smoothest ride ever.
“You guys can sleep in our trailer if you want. / Oh yeah, we can sleep in the trailer, Nick” … Alex / Tommy (Linz) … you forgot you were hauling a 60-foot trailer behind you? Either they’re really tired or the GMC Yukon has the smoothest ride ever.

“If I die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take. Ha ha” … Tommy (Linz) … don’t laugh. If the Weavers get out early enough, God’s special messengers are coming to collect.

“Being yielded twice was just a very low moment and we’ve never really been treated like this” … Linda (Weaver) … probably due to the lack of Yields available to people in the real world, otherwise the Weavers might never get to leave their house again.

“We’ve overcome a lot of stuff and it’s not going to hold us back” … Rebecca (Weaver) … and since they’re all out of Yields, we have one less obstacle to overcome.

“I love people like that” … Rolly (Weaver) on direction lady … talking to strangers walking around at 5 a.m. I’m afraid of people like that.

“It’s great to get a good night’s sleep. / We got to sleep in a bed” … Linda / Rebecca (Weaver) … either they’re hoping that the other teams haven’t realized they’re towing campers (hello, Linz family), or maybe the Weavers haven’t realized what the mattress with all the covers in their camper is for.

“They’re freaks” … Megan (Linz) … that’s an insult to freaks everywhere. Besides, the medical term isn’t freaks … it’s socially oblivious.

“Are you sorry you wasted your Yield?” … Linda (Weaver) to Linz family … no, but we’re pretty sorry that we didn’t slash your tires this morning.

“You will be” … Linda (Weaver) to Linz family … believe me, they already are.

“Even if we don’t win. / We got to say what we wanted to say” … Linda / Rebecca (Weaver) … I suppose that’s some consolation, but that’s still costing about $100K per word. By comparison, that’s about what Trump gets for saying “You’re fired.”

“The Weavers made a weird entrance” … Megan (Linz) … it was bringing back bad Waffle House memories for me.

“She doesn’t act like a Mom” … Megan (Linz) … sure she does … just a crazy or drunken Mom is all.

“The Weavers are coming after us” … Nick (Linz) … and Jesus is coming with them. One bolt of lightening, and the Linzs will be Hindenburging all over the Utah sky.

“These are the balloons? Wow, these are big” … Michelle (Godlewski) … the producers considered just tying about 100 little balloons to the contestants but this came out a little cheaper.

“Okay. One, two, three, four. / Four?” … Christine / Sharon (Godlewski) … Christine is either confused with the whole “lifting on three” idea, or she was doing a quick sister headcount. Maybe a sister jam session?
Rebecca forgetting the biblical passage … she who is without dye streaks, may cast the first bottle.

“They’re bottled blondes and implants” … Rebecca (Weaver) on the Godlewskis … Rebecca forgetting the biblical passage … she who is without dye streaks, may cast the first bottle.

“I love Bone. He kills me” … Lauren (Bransen) on Tommy (Linz) … get stuck with him in close quarters after a big meal, and he may just do that.

“Look at Rolly. He’s being pulled” … Christine (Godlewski) … so if Rolly gets airborne, is that considered dangerous or cheating?

“I feel like we’re going to run into them. / We might” … Megan (Linz) / Pilot … to hear a pilot speak so nonchalantly about a collision, should either put your mind at ease or really wish that you’d taking up the offer to share his valium.

“I’m not really wild about heights, but here we are in a hot air balloon. The Amazing Race has cured me” … Michelle (Godlewski) … as for curing her fear of killing Christine and getting caught, the Race is still working on that.

“I had a dream that I fell from one of these things before, so I’m a little freaked out” … Rolly (Weaver) … you’d have to have pretty bad karma for that particular dream to come true right now. That said, you might want to hang on to basket a little tighter just in case this is payback day.

“I want to know who made this little wicker basket thing” … Rolly (Weaver) … probably made in a sweat shop in Taiwan or China. Does that make you feel any safer?

“We’ll set down here right on the rock pile” … Pilot to Godlewskis … he’s either showing off that he can land anywhere, or the Godlewskis didn’t tip him enough for a flat ground landing.

“The crash landing was wonderful” … Linda (Weaver) … any balloon landing that you can slide and roll away from is a good landing.

“In both tasks, teams will need to have a railway engineer approve their work before they get their next clue” … Phil … okay, I can see that for building the railroad line, but for filling the coal bin? Is he checking for symmetry, creative piling, or that they returned the bucket and wheelbarrow undamaged?

“What is using precision? / It means you have to be accurate” … Lauren / Elizabeth (Bransen) … it also means that since you have to ask, it probably isn’t going to happen.

“I’ll leave the man-handling to the boys” … Megan (Linz) … and Megan will grab a latte and take a look in the gift shop. Man, these detours are draining.

“Well, geez, Chris, you’re not helping” … Sharon to Christine (Godlewski) … not true. She’s helping your blood pressure and stress levels climb exponentially.

“Well don’t talk to me like I’m an animal or something” … Christine to Sharon (Godlewski) … actually, animals would get a little more respect and praise. You seem to ranking around the mosquito / gnat level of interaction.

“Let’s just pray and do it” … Rachel (Weaver) on the task … how about praying while you do it? God would still get the message and be impressed with your multi-tasking abilities.

“When Walter can take over and do his thing, we all kind of step back” … Elizabeth (Bransen) … good move and probably a wise precaution while he’s swinging around a sledgehammer to boot.

“There’s no way that Lindsey, Lauren, and I could whip that big sledgehammer thing” … Elizabeth (Bransen) … yeah, when you call it a big sledgehammer thing and talk about whipping it, it might be best for all concerned that you just leave it alone.

“This is my chance to shine as opposed to bringing them down like I do on most legs” … Wally (Bransen) … you’ll still have to run back to the car after the challenge Wally, so I’m sure that will even things out.
Well, you can’t fault them for their commitment. They may be on a railroad going straight to hell, but they’re not second-guessing it.
“Guys, let’s think about this. How many pounds of coal is it? / No, Chris!” … Christine / Sharon (Godlewski) … well, you can’t fault them for their commitment. They may be on a railroad going straight to hell, but they’re not second-guessing it.

“Travel in the direction of the Bonneville Salt Flats” … Alex (Linz) … how about saying go to the Bonneville Salt Flats? Saying in the direction to some of these teams may have them heading east until they hit the Atlantic.

“Here they’ll find an 87-foot sculpture called the Tree of Utah, which was built to bring colour to the stark landscape” … Phil … bringing colour? Maybe. Bringing tourists? Well, the parking lot didn’t look all that full to me.

“Three strokes is all it took for me (on hammering). / It’s all it takes in bed, too” … Nick / Tommy (Linz) … might be disappointing to his female fans for sure, but if there are any sexual detours coming up, Nick’s their man for speed.

“Can I have a different partner please? One with a smaller mouth” … Michelle (Godlewski) on Christine … you may also want to pick one that doesn’t have a big wrench in her hands and a Tonya Harding look in her eye.

“I’ll work with Sharon. / Don’t get in my way, please” … Christine / Sharon (Godlewski) … has to be a bit demoralizing. At this rate, even the engineer won’t hand out their next clue, unless it’s to someone other than Christine.

“We all agreed because we thought the charcoal was going to be too weight lifting” … Christine (Godlewski) … she’s speaking Godlewski again. Reading this, the detour was some cross between an Olympic event and a big BBQ.

“Leave me alone! / Grrr. What is that, ‘leave me alone’?” … Christine / Michelle (Godlewski) … it’s the equivalent of “Shut up, Christine” but a little more polite and depressed.

“I don’t feel I get the kudos I deserve” … Christine (Godlewski) … just the grief that everyone else thinks you do.

“It’s my sisters’ loss if they don’t see that” … Christine (Godlewski) … and so far, they seem to be willing to risk that loss in return for a good “blame Christine” session.

“Make your way to Bear Lake Rendevour / Rendez vous beach” … Tommy / Alex (Linz) … it’s a surprise that Tommy hasn’t picked up some French for flirting purposes. Still, when you have “harrumph”, what else do you need?

“What in God’s name is this? The tree of hemorrhoids” … Lindsey (Bransen) … with your next clue brought to you by Preparation H.

“My brain is fried like I’ve been in math class all day” … Rebecca (Weaver) … would have thought that she’d be well rested then … what with all the sleeping and such.

“You failed math class, Bec. / No, she didn’t. / Yes, I did. I failed it twice” … Rolly / Linda / Rebecca (Weaver) … might be time to look at other parts of the report card besides the signature line, Mrs. Weaver.
And due to a production non-error, the Linzes’ camera crew was run over several times and crushed once their battery had been replaced.
“Due to a production error involving the camera equipment, the Linzes’ battery was drained” … Phil … and due to a production non-error, the Linzes’ camera crew was run over several times and crushed once their battery had been replaced.

“The battery was repaired but they have dropped to last place” … Phil … well, we may get eliminated from the race, but at least we’ll have the satisfaction in knowing the next family who gets the truck will have a fully charged battery.

“Aren’t you thankful we found these maps?” … Linda (Weaver) … actually, the maps were given to you, but I guess in the Weaver realm, the region between receiving/stealing things and “finding” them is a bit of a grey area.

“I have a little bit of a stomachache. / Oh, how convenient” … Christine / Michelle (Godlewski) … yeah, who is Christine trying to fool? Stress ulcer … who’s ever heard of that?

“There’s a thing over there, like a ranch” … Lauren (Bransen) … so much like a ranch that folks in these parts have taken to calling it a ranch. Now, what to call those horse-like creatures they’re riding?

“Do we pick a cowboy? There, the second one” … Elizabeth (Bransen) … roadblock meets a night at Chippendales for the Bransen girls.

“Don’t be afraid to ride them” … Wally (Bransen) … I’d be more afraid to fall off of them, thanks.

“This is so cool. It’s City Slickers” … Lindsey (Bransen) … except without the star power or witty lines. Plenty of comedy, though.

“I’m old and I’m faithful … see me erupt” … Elizabeth (Bransen) … this clue means they either have to find Yellowstone Park or hang out with Ma Paolo for awhile.

“If you don’t want to turn around, Shar, let’s be sure of these roads” … Michelle (Godlewski) … or if we pass the right one, make sure we have enough gas to circle the Earth.

“I won’t hurt you guys” … driver to Godlewskis … they’re doing just fine in that department, thank you. Plus it takes a brave or stupid criminal to attack someone with the film crew rolling in the back seat.

“How come I couldn’t do that? / Because you’re a retard” … Sharon / Michelle (Godlewski) … but if the rest of the family lets her keep driving, what does that make them?

“This sucks” … Sharon on horseback riding … no picnic for the horse either. Probably wishing he paid more attention to that glue factory pamphlet right about now.

“They’re just so icky I can’t stand it” … Linda (Weaver) on the Linzes … now those are fighting words … say around about fourth grade or so.
Sadly, the Weavers haven’t yet picked up on the seeing us / ignoring us connection that most of the teams seems to be engaging in.
“Are they retarded? Don’t they see us?” … Rebecca (Weaver) on the Bransens … sadly, the Weavers haven’t yet picked up on the seeing us / ignoring us connection that most of the teams seems to be engaging in.

“So what are you guys doing? Waiting for it to erupt?” … Linda (Weaver) to Bransens … it’s either for that or they’re just lonely for some company. If they start ignoring you again, you’ll have your answer.

“If I have to trip someone / She’ll do it” … Michelle / Tricia (Godlewski) … and if it happens to be Christine, all the better.

“It just kind of goes when it wants to go, huh?” … Christine (Godlewski) … well, it’s sort of spontaneous in an every 92 minutes kind of way.

“I have no idea what a 15 thousand 2 hundred is. / It must be a house address or something” … Rachel / Linda (Weaver) ... as it’s a five digit number, asking Rebecca would be out of the question. Good luck, Weavers.

“I’m just warning you guys, I’m going to take out Wally” … Rolly (Weaver) … brave little guy. He’s just as likely to bounce off him without Wally even breaking stride.

“How long is this leg going to go on?” … Lauren (Bransen) … at least another hour, give or take a few commercials. If any more batteries get drained, it could be even longer.



Megan travels all through Central America, but it’s the Mormon food that ends up giving her stomach cramps. How sinful could it have been?

There are no prayers allowed in public schools, but thankfully for the Weavers, there’s nothing wrong with praying in public school parking lots.

Megan gave quite the stirring testimonial for Pepto-Bismol. Not sure that’s a really glamourous way to start an acting career, though.
If Rolly had started floating away with the balloon, how far up would he have to get before the other teams decided to shoot it down?
If Rolly had started floating away with the balloon, how far up would he have to get before the other teams decided to shoot it down?

I saw that CBS wisely decided to provide balloons for the race with no sand bags hanging over the side. The Weavers make too tempting a target.

With two balloons landing on the side of a mountain and one on a rock pile, I don’t think the balloon company has much to brag about with a one in four flat landing record.

Note to Christine Godlewski: Holding a spike with a wrench while the other person hammers is only a good idea on paper.

This episode proved two things: Wally is good at building railways, and the Bransen girls are good at watching him or getting hurt.

Strange how in most detours, Mr. Bransen is called Wally, but when he does something amazing, he suddenly gets promoted to Walter.

If the Linz boys keep up their witty banter, will we be seeing more shots of Megan hiding in the trunk?

The three stooges never had a skit where they tried to back up a trailer, but watching the Godlewskis, I now feel I know what it would have looked like.

Sharon and her horse running off across the plains … Makes for a so-so Western movie ending, but a pretty damn funny Reality show ending.

After watching drag-racing movies, watching two families play chicken with SUVs and camper homes just doesn’t hold the same drama anymore.

With all of Tommy’s screeching and yelling, was he herding or scaring the cows?

With Lindsey tripping, the Bransen race for the mat might not have been graceful, but it did have some style.