Amazing Race Rants

Amazing Race Rant - Episode Seven (Part Two)

“Nestled in the foot hills of Arizona’s majestic four peaks, it is the ancestral tribal land of the Yavapai nation This 25,000 acre Native American territory was the seventh pit stop in the Amazing Race” … Phil … can’t imagine that the ancestors would be too happy with how their using the land now. The second coming of the white man is almost as bad as the first.

“Will the Bransens be able to overcome their loss and keep themselves in the game?” … Phil … hell, they’ve almost lost the equivalent to Wally in pack weight. That and leaving behind Wally’s oxygen tanks is bound to speed them up a bit.

“and can the Godlewskis continue their success and remain at the front of the pack?” … Phil … it depends on whether the pack is willing to continue to follow them into their wandering oblivion. Godlewski success has a lot to do with other teams’ failures.

“We all know we’re strong and when we’re able to funnel that into a solid unit, we’re unstoppable” … Christine (Godlewski) … and when we can’t funnel it, we’re unstoppable but in four different directions. Too bad their SUV didn’t run on sibling tension and arguments … they’d never stop for gas again.
The other teams are giving a big Amen to that as well. It wouldnít be fair to God, either Ö to have to be annoyed at all the teams is a bit tiring.
“They don’t like us because we’re different from them. And truthfully I’m glad we’re different from them” … Rebecca (Weaver) … the other teams are giving a big Amen to that as well. It wouldn’t be fair to God, either … to have to be annoyed at all the teams is a bit tiring.

“I don’t roll with the punches. I punch” … Tommy (Linz) … probably not the best time to have Tommy sitting in the back seat then. And traveling with the siblings, I can imagine there’s a fair share of kicks and hair pulling in there, too.

“We don’t stop in the road to talk to friends” … Police to Linz family … how about strangers? Are we good with them?

“We’re racing other cars to get there” … Nick (Linz) to police … Interesting strategy. Why not just tell the cop that you’re racing to the airport to meet the plane from Columbia and make a night of it?

“That was a good one to tell the cop. We’re racing other cars” … Alex (Linz) … hey, there’s nothing wrong with NARCing on the other teams. The Paolo arguments with the cops could delay them for hours.

“Yeah, yeah, go for a helicopter ride. They’ll make it fun for you. What, are you nuts?” … Tony (Paolo) to Marion … a question that Ma Paolo has to be asking herself each and every day.

“You might lose it (money) anyway” … Lauren (Bransen) to gamblers … true, but explain again how I’m better off giving the money to strangers in the parking lot. Those sound like long odds to me.

“We’re in a race and we have no money. We need to make money” … Lindsey (Bransen) to gamblers … why do I feel that’s not going to sound good when it’s read back for the judge and jury to hear?

“It doesn’t hurt to be cute, young, and female if you want to beg for money” … Wally (Bransen) … hell, it doesn’t hurt to be that for pretty much anything.

“Older men are not a real turn-on for people to open their pocketbooks” … Wally (Bransen) … not unless they’re armed or with the IRS.

“So I just try to keep a nice distance” … Wally (Bransen) … somewhere just outside the stalker / undercover cop / pimp zone, I imagine.

“How’d you guys know it was here? / We’re smart” … Nick (Linz) / Rebecca (Weaver) … no, really. How’d you guys know it was here?

“She looks like a dog with her head out the window” … Nick (Linz) on Michelle Godlewski … careful, Nick. This puppy has a short temper and an angry pink pack to back her up.

“I wish this was a Yield” … Rebecca (Weaver) … I can see why she’s disappointed. It may be the last time they ever arrive first at a checkpoint again.

“Once they’ve completed the loop, they will land to receive their next clue” … Phil on the airplane roadblock … let’s hope he means the pilot will land, otherwise the racers will receive their next clue once the fire crews have doused the flames.

“Air biscuit is off the ground. Air biscuit has loss consciousness” … Tommy (Linz) … Air biscuit is going to strafe the family if they don’t keep their mouths shut.

“It’s just you and that joystick between your legs” … Tommy (Linz) to Brian Paolo … learn from the master, Brian. But be warned … taking advice from Tommy Linz is either the first steps to manhood or possibly prison.

“Rolly, I’m just so proud of you I’ve got tears in my eyes” … Linda (Weaver) … I’m happy for you, Mom, but since you’re driving, how about a little less pride and a little more clear vision.

“That was Brian. He screwed it up. He did a loop straight up like a clown” … DJ (Paolo) … clowns being well-known for their mastery of ground-based comedy but somewhat lacking in aerial aerobatic skills. All except for those Flying Circus clowns, I guess.

“They’re cheering for you out there. / They better be” … pilot / Lauren (Bransen) … cause this engine is still on and I’m not above giving the crowd a quick haircut.
Socially that is unacceptable, but you have to admire their ingenuity in trying to lighten their vehicle. Besides, itís not littering Ö itís composting on a grand scale.
“They’re throwing garbage. That’s not right” … Sharon (Godlewski) on the Weavers … socially that is unacceptable, but you have to admire their ingenuity in trying to lighten their vehicle. Besides, it’s not littering … it’s composting on a grand scale.

“Let’s tell them to give the car behind us the complete history lesson. / No. I will” … Rachel / Linda (Weaver) … it’s always good for a parent to lead by example, but this might be pushing the envelope a bit.

“They were talking a whole lot of smack about this vehicle” … guide to Linz family … but I can tell there might be a ring of truth to the whole farting thing they were talking about.

“Probably a reason to Yield them” … Nick (Linz) on smack-talking Weavers … man, I didn’t know they were still struggling to find a reason.

“Enjoy the 10 seconds you’re going to get to see it” … Wally (Bransen) on the Grand Canyon … take the joys of sight-seeing and add the efficiency of speed-dating and you’ve got the Amazing Race.

“This is the largest pothole in the world” … DJ (Paolo) … #1 on the list of rejected Grand Canyon slogans. Just barely beat out “America’s favourite crack.”

“Well, we’re back in Jersey again” … Marion (Paolo) … okay, a traffic jam with a nice view is still a traffic jam, but it is a good cure for homesickness.

“We’ve got to get gas. / I’d rather get a good lead” … Wally / Elizabeth (Bransen) … and then hope the tow-truck can help maintain it.

“The Weavers are speed demons on the road” … Alex (Linz) … never hurts to hedge your bets and send a few prayers both up and down. One will save you, the other will make you drive really fast. The best of both afterlifes.

“We’ll beat their ass at any detour” … Nick (Linz) … I don’t know. If it’s a whining, complaining, or praying detour, they’ve got you licked.

“Ding, dong, the witch is dead” … Tommy (Linz) … nice Oz reference, and since the next detour involves water, they might be able to prove their theory correct.

“Where’s the restroom?” … Rebecca (Weaver) to tour guide … the poor guide spent months learning all about the history of the dam, and she only gets asked where the toilet is. Guide job satisfaction has just plummeted.

“Oh my God. Why are they so rude to us?” … Rachel (Weaver) on the Linzes … God doesn’t have time to compile the whole list, so maybe a stray lightening bolt will have to do. But don’t worry … you’ll be back in the car soon and can start throwing garbage at the Linzes.

“Okay, guys. We’ve lifted five wounded soldiers. / We can bail a boat” … Christine / Sharon (Godlewski) … unless you were planning on using 180-pound buckets, I’m not sure if the carrying / bailing skills are compatible, but whatever motivates you.

“The Weaver family is going with that detour. The big dogs are going for the other. The more challenging detour” … Nick (Linz) … never knew that navigating using a compass was less of a challenge than bailing using a bucket? Maybe the challenge is having Tommy remember to bail water out of the boat rather than in.

“Grrrr. I’m king of the Canyon” … Nick (Linz) … when you are riding on a rubber dingy and not the Titanic, I guess king of the world might be a little ambitious. King of the Canyon sounds about right.
And so begins the Godlewski letter to Playboy. Iím sure the Linz boys will show up in there somewhere.
“Tricia, trade with me. Put it between your legs and pump” … Sharon (Godlewski) on bailing … and so begins the Godlewski letter to Playboy. I’m sure the Linz boys will show up in there somewhere.

“I’m not heavy enough. Michelle, get over here” … Tricia (Godlewski) on tipping the boat … with the anger resulting from that remark allowing Michelle to tip the boat with one hand while dunking Tricia with the other.

“Which one? <honk> / That one” … Megan / Nick (Linz) on finding their car … with honk being car language for “I’m the car you’ve ridden in for 4 hours, you idiots.”

“She’s positive she saw the sign. / Oh God. / What do you mean, ‘Oh God!’?” … Sharon / Christine / Michelle (Godlewski) … c’mon, that’s Weaver speak, Christine. Plus all things considered, Michelle, I think God would like to sit out this argument, too.

“How much water do we have to get out of this thing?” … Marion (Paolo) on boat bailing … just enough to make the task funny and annoying at the same time.

“Don’t be yelling at me. I’ll take your frickin head off” … Marion (Paolo) … armed only with a bucket, she probably still could do it.

“Ma, this is a big river. I can drown you here and no one would ever find your body” … DJ (Paolo) … the river being a popular spot for the Arizona mafia. There are cowboys with cement boots all over the bottom of the riverbed.

“If we turn it upside down, we can carry the damn thing over” … Marion (Paolo) … and if a son or two gets drenched or trapped, well, so much the better.

“We can’t turn it upside down. We tried” … DJ (Paolo) … DJ not realizing that as the water goes out, the boat gets lighter … but what does physics matter when it stands it the way of a good Mom putdown?

“Linz family. You’re team #1. You’re damn right we are, Phil” … Tommy (Linz) … after watching this impending greeting, could you blame the producers for giving the Linzes the slower boat.

“The ladies are going to take forever to figure out how to do this” … Nick (Linz) … it’s an engine with one pull cord, Nick. Don’t start applying your own confusion to the other teams.

“And they might not” … Megan (Linz) … their only delays may result from the other three sisters criticizing the puller’s technique.

“I think we’re gaining on them. Their boat’s heavier” … Sharon (Godlewski) … Tommy might have to lighten their load gastronomically. Too bad they couldn’t rig up some sort of sail.

“Are you guys sinking?” … Christine (Godlewski) … no, only their chances of finishing first are. Maybe they should have kept some buckets from the detour.

“Of course you can enjoy that (trailer) after the race” … Phil to Godlewski family … four Godlewskis in the same trailer? “Enjoy” might not be the term they or the arresting officer would use.

“They’re beating us up. Maybe if we’re nice, they’ll treat us to one of their prizes afterwards” … Nick (Linz) on the Godlewskis … probably in a month, they could lend the trailer to the Linzes … with the expected trashed and breakables-free interior, of course.

“We’re all alone” … Rachel (Weaver) … meaning everyone is staying outside garbage throwing range.

“It’s really frustrating because those people are, like, classless” … Rachel (Weaver) … whereas the Weavers are in a class all by themselves.

“It’s hard to co-operate with people like that” … Rachel (Weaver) … yeah, people that you’ve attempted to screw over really aren’t the most trusting lot, are they?
Wow, if thatís what the Christian life style is all about, it might be time to give that Buddhism pamphlet another look-see.
“It’s tough being the only family that’s trying to live a Christian life” … Rachel (Weaver) … wow, if that’s what the Christian life style is all about, it might be time to give that Buddhism pamphlet another look-see.

“You guys can go all the way” … Phil to the Weavers … luckily, the houseboat has a plank built just for that purpose.

“People think we’re killing each other” … Marion (Paolo) … whereas the courts define it only as attempted murder.

“We’re still together. And nobody can take that from us or break that apart” … Marion (Paolo) … not while we’re so efficiently blowing it up from the inside ourselves.

“This race really showed me a different side of her” … DJ on Marion Paolo … quite a difference from the quiet, sensitive head-smacker that we see at home.

“And maybe next time we’re in a situation, I won’t be so down on her” … DJ on Marion Paolo … or maybe I will. The Paolos like to keep their argument options open.

“The experience and friendship we made on this race will last a lifetime and that’s more than a million bucks” … Tony (Paolo) … but we sure could use it later on for the court fees and bail money.

 

Observations

That was a pretty quick police response to the Linzes asking for directions in the street. The cops must be exercising some sort of reality show contestant profiling. See an SUV with a camera crew … stick with ‘em.

The episode has proven once again that when it comes to begging, having your camera crew come with you makes the job so much easier.

Mercifully, with all the airplane aerobatics going on, they edited out the before and after breakfast shots. It couldn’t have been pretty.
Million or no million, Iím betting that Brian getting to hug Lauren Bransen before the challenge made this a successful race for him.
Million or no million, I’m betting that Brian getting to hug Lauren Bransen before the challenge made this a successful race for him.

Nice to see the Weavers get involved in beautifying the highways by leaving little parts of Florida wherever they go.

Is there a reason they put the clue box on the edge of a Grand Canyon cliff? Were they hoping some team would take the hint?

Why would you need a guide to get to the top of a dam? You’re taking the stairs up, not scaling the damn thing.

Will the Glen Canyon Dam be successful with its latest two tourist attractions … bail your own boat and family member drowning services?

How bad are the budget cutbacks if they have to have a pit stop on a houseboat?

Was the kid greeter on the houseboat confused by the teams or was he just wondering how Phil puts up with all this crap?

If teams like the Weavers are going to be disappointed with a third place finish, will the Race need to start installing applause and cheer signs at the pit stop to get them pumped?

With all the advice and guidance Phil is giving the Weavers, if he ever decided to become a shrink, his office would need a mat instead of a couch.

All it took for the Pa Paolo hugs to end was a last place finish. At least Phil got a handshake out of the deal.