Amazing Race Rants

Amazing Race Rant - Episode Eight

“Formed by the flooding of the desert after the construction of a dam, it’s one of largest manmade lakes in the world” … Phil … and with the invasion of reality contestants, the odds of the dam being blown up just went up dramatically. “Will the Weavers continued alienation from the other teams affect their performance in this leg?” … Phil … it might help them out. They’re bound to save time not having to do small talk and chit chats with the other teams at checkpoints.
They’re certainly running out of teams to lose against. Then again, coming in last would break their streak, too.
“And can the Linz family break their streak of second place finishes and finally win a leg?” … Phil … possibly. They’re certainly running out of teams to lose against. Then again, coming in last would break their streak, too.

“This spectacular landscape, now a Navajo tribal park, was made famous in ‘40s westerns by director John Ford” … Phil … it’s gone from cowboys to Indians to reality show contestants. Talk about going from famous to infamous.

“Going into the race, I thought we were going to be able to talk and discuss and get to know each other more personally” … Christine (Godlewski) … alas, it turned out that Christine got to talk and discuss, and the sisters got to know her more than they wanted.

“Was I maybe fooling myself? Possibly” … Christine (Godlewski) … just how many “Shut up, Christine’s” does it take to move from possibly to definitely, anyway?

“Let’s stop and look at the map for 10 seconds” … Christine (Godlewski) … maybe even 20 seconds. Hell, let’s go crazy and look at it until we know where we’re going.

“Christine just talks incessantly” … Sharon (Godlewski) … well, you listen incessantly, so doesn’t that make you as much to blame?

“She has a quota every day of words that have to come out of her mouth” … Michelle (Godlewski) … you call it a quota … she calls it verbal exercise. I guess the worst part is if she doesn’t make her quota during the day, she’ll have to talk in her sleep all night.

“Every time you fall short, you want it more and more” … Tommy (Linz) … is he talking about winning a leg or hitting on the Bransen sisters?

“This leg. We have to get it” … Tommy (Linz) … yeah, who cares about winning the million dollar leg? Let’s really try to get that domestic trip for four.

“They need gas. That’s why they’re doing that” … Nick (Linz) on the Godlewskis turning west … that’s being generous. The Godlewskis heading in the wrong direction … needing gas doesn’t come close to beating the cluelessly lost option.

“Coming into this, we weren’t ignorant, like saying that everybody was going to be our friends” … Rebecca (Weaver) … that’s a relief. I would have hated for you to be disappointed.

“But we didn’t think it would be only us against everyone” … Rebecca (Weaver) … you see, until they give out a million to each team, that’s kind of how the race goes.

“The world we live in is obviously not loving and kind” … Rachel (Weaver) … this is reality TV. Unless you’re on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, love and kindness don’t come into play too much.

“So I think we’re sticking out because we’re not as crude” … Rachel (Weaver) … of course, the attempted screwing over and throwing garbage at the other teams has put us in a bit of a spotlight as well.

“It is so against our beliefs to just keep being treated so rudely” … Linda (Weaver) … it’s all a matter of perspective. Having people be rude to you is against your beliefs, and having you exist in the race is against the other teams’ beliefs. Pretty high on the list, too.

“We’re just going to have a fun day today and do our best.” … Linda (Weaver) … yup, nothing says fun like hours of driving a trailer across the desert. I spy with my little eye something that begins with “s.” Is it sand? You win again.

“We’re not really sure what the other teams are doing, because we’re just sticking together with our team” … Rachel (Weaver) … a good plan … then again, with no alliances and only one car, that’s pretty much the only plan available.

“We don’t want to know. / Yeah, we don’t want to know” … Rachel / Rolly (Weaver) on what the other teams are doing … if they change their minds, I’m sure any upcoming yields will give them plenty of time to speculate what the other teams are doing.

“Michelle, would you agree? / Chrissy, stop talking” … Christine / Tricia (Godlewski) … they’ve only been gone a day, and suddenly these two are channeling the Paolos. If they start hitting each other, the possession will be complete.

“Okay. I’m making sure. I don’t want you guys to blame me later” … Christine (Godlewski) … it’s probably going to happen anyway, so you might want to save your strength.

“Now we’re down to teams that are very good, so we’re going to try and be more aggressive” … Wally (Bransen) … you had your daughters shaking down people for money in a casino parking lot. I would hate to see how much more aggressive the Bransens can get.

“What did that brown sign say back there?” … Tommy (Linz) … it was either “you’ve miss the turn-off, you idiot” or “Welcome to Canada”.
I want to know how is it you can spot a camper from 200 yards out and know it’s the Florida team. Is it good vision or a bad aura?
“There’s another team in front of us. It’s Florida. / How is it Florida?” … Christine / Sharon (Godlewski) … I want to know how is it you can spot a camper from 200 yards out and know it’s the Florida team. Is it good vision or a bad aura?

“Slow. Slow. Okay, cut it” … Christine (Godlewski) on turning around … see, in theory this works, but practically speaking, this is where we start to see technical differences in turning around a Mini Cooper vs. a 60 foot trailer.

“I don’t see what the problem is” … Christine (Godlewski) on turning around … she’s too far away from a mirror, then. Of course, the big problem is that you are blocking a major highway … which leads to the bigger problem of whether you want the top or bottom bunk in jail.

“We believe there is a little bit of tension between the Linzes and the Godlewskis against the Weavers” … Elizabeth (Bransen) … very diplomatically put. Then again, if you choose to dwell on the mutual hatred and death threats, of course you’re going to see tension there.

“We’re neutral. Kind of like Switzerland” … Wally (Bransen) … very true. Slap some braids on the Bransen girls and they could give the Swiss Miss girl a run for her money.

“Take a helicopter ride to the summit of Elephant Butt” … Nick (Linz) … now this should be a warning that you are mispronouncing something, because any elephant butt that you need a helicopter to reach the top of is probably best left alone.

“We thought we had a good view from the ground” … Elizabeth (Bransen) … but up here, we have a view of nature, the mountains, and we can see Wally over there, too.

“I am not digging Utah right now” … Rebecca (Weaver) … yeah, where are all the strip malls and dance clubs? This state isn’t cool at all.

“Whoever said the world is overpopulated needs to come to Utah” … Rachel (Weaver) … I really can’t figure out why more people haven’t come to settle in the desert and start a new life.

“It’s like hundreds of thousands of miles of nothing” … Rolly (Weaver) … Utah tourism prefers to call that “wide open spaces,” thank you.

“God must have spent a little less time here” … Rolly (Weaver) … but with hurricane-prone Florida, maybe living in a place where God spends a little too much time isn’t so good, either.

“That’s the Mexican hat rock. / It’s looks like a little person with a big huge hat” … Tommy / Megan (Linz) … well, they found it so it’s only fair they get to name it. And it’ll be a nice change in the brochure from the “hundreds of thousands of miles of nothing”.

“They’re letting their speed drop to 50 on those big hills. / They’re just not very good with the trailer” … Nick / Megan (Linz) … cut Rebecca a little slack. It’s tough to floor it when your Mom’s in the back seat, and how many 19 years olds have experience driving the family trailer around?

“The Wicked Witch of the East and her two little monkeys” … Nick (Linz) … poor Rolly. I’m not sure if it’s better to be left out of this Wizard of Oz description or not. He at least ranks as an evil munchkin or something.

“Someone’s gonna come and drop a house on her head” … Alex (Linz) … it’s a bit of a longshot, but there is a yield coming up. Anything can happen, I guess.

“We’re up for anything. We like things that are more riskier and adventurous” … Lindsey (Bransen) … maybe even something radical … like leaving the country on a race around the world or something.
And just how much excitement is Wally having driving a trailer across the state?
“I could go for something tranquil and boring” … Wally (Weaver) … yeah, that would make for riveting TV. And just how much excitement is Wally having driving a trailer across the state?

“Isn’t it easier navigating in the U.S.?” … Christine (Godlewski) … definitely. But it does add more embarrassment when you overshoot signs that are written in English.

“Six miles is a long way. / Yeah, there’s no way we’re biking” … Alex / Tommy (Linz) … good point. But 270 feet can be a long way, too, especially when it is straight down.

“If we lose a teammate. / It’ll be ‘God rest his soul.’ / We’ll turn around and do bikes” … Alex / Nick / Alex (Linz) … they can always pick up what’s left of Tommy once they get to the bottom of the cliff. Maybe if they toss his bike over, they won’t get a penalty.

“I don’t think I’ve heard one thing about Utah. / I have. Mormons live here. / For real?” … Rachel / Linda / Rachel (Weaver) … suddenly their family race becomes a safari. A chance to see Mormons in their natural habitat.

“Utah is the Mormon state” … Linda (Weaver) … officially it’s the beehive state, actually, but hell, she knows what state she’s in and for Mrs. Weaver, that’s worth something.

“This is fun. And I’ve always wanted to go bike riding with you guys” … Linda (Weaver) … a great chance to family bond, but it might have been a better idea to do that in the local park, instead of the six-mile trek through rocks and sand.

“I’m starting to lose my cool” … Rebecca (Weaver) … surprisingly, six miles of biking in the desert will do that to you.

“I don’t think Lance Armstrong could make it through this” … Rebecca (Weaver) … maybe not, but he probably wouldn’t be whining nearly as much.

“Rappel. I hate bikes” … Lindsey (Bransen) … to be willing to toss yourself off a 270-foot cliff … she must really have something against bikes. An unfortunate gym accident maybe, or is it training wheel trauma?

“Rappelling kicks ass” … Nick (Linz) … and if you do it wrong, it certainly will.

“If anyone ever says ‘I’m from Utah’, I’m going to say ‘I am so sorry’” … Rachel (Weaver) … ironically, after viewing this season, the Weavers should expect a lot of similar responses after introducing themselves.

“Due to a production error involving camera equipment, the Godlewskis’ car battery was drained” … Phil … someone should let CBS know that they are some really good cameras out there these days that you don’t have to hook on to the car battery to use.

“Nobody speaks to us. They’re just immature” … Rebecca (Weaver) … or maybe they have nothing good to say to you. Then they’re just being polite.

“We’ve all come to the conclusion that we’re on our own” … Rachel (Weaver) … wow, it only took one yield and two weeks of non-communication to reach that conclusion.

“Bart the bear, an 1100-pound grizzly, is waiting to give them their next clue” … Phil … and hopefully he’s not also waiting for his big break to get on “When Animals Attack”.

“I’d love to be fly fishing right now” … Alex (Linz) … dare to dream, but the chances of a “River runs through it” roadblock are pretty slim.

“Look to the left. That’s so ugly. It’s like a little pimple in the mountains” … Rolly (Weaver) … oddly enough, nature was just saying the same thing about you.

“You may not run or yell at any time while on this property” … Tricia (Godlewski) … the legal department insisted on putting this warning in for the Godlewskis, so that the surviving family members couldn’t sue.

“Yell or run? Those are two big bad things for us” … Michelle (Godlewski) … we only need getting lost to make it a perfect trifecta.

“Stop here and we’ll ask this lady. / That’s a dude” … Alex / Tommy (Linz) … you know, if you can’t tell the gender apart easily, it might be worth being lost a bit longer vs. angering misogynous mountain people.
Give him a hat and a tie, and remove his desire to tear Tommy Linz to shreds, and you’ve got the perfect Yogi.
“Hey Bart. How about a picnic basket” … Tommy (Linz) doing Yogi Bear for Bart … Bart probably got a laugh out of it, too. Give him a hat and a tie, and remove his desire to tear Tommy Linz to shreds, and you’ve got the perfect Yogi.

“Go straight across the intersection / And we’ll run right into Bart.” … station attendant / Lindsey (Bransen) … and if you do, make sure to keep on driving.

“You wish you were Lance Armstrong” … Rolly (Weaver) to bikers … and you’ll be wishing you were on the interstate very, very soon.

“Oh, what a cute bear” … Lauren (Bransen) … he’s softly, cuddly, and pretty good in the protection department. He’s the ultimate teddy bear.

“The 92 has turned into a scenic loop” … Linda (Weaver) … it does help explain that large loop it does on the map.

“We’ll get there eventually” … Linda (Weaver) … so will Death, and my money is on him to finish first.

“I hope Nick doesn’t act like a Bozo and do some crazy ass 360 triple deaker” … Tommy (Linz) … he might just end up crashing trying to figure out what a 360 triple deaker is.

“If you live, let’s go out” … skier to Lindsey (Bransen) … I bet he says that to all the reality contestants. Still, to hit on a girl 100 yards away wearing a helmet, the guy is rolling the dice a little. Ma Paolo and Lindsey would be tough to tell apart at that distance.

“Don’t lose it guys. Accept it. We’ll be last today. We’ll be eliminated” … Linda (Weaver) … ah, the never-say-die attitude of the Weavers. They’re one step shy of rolling the trailer.

“We’re the last nice family. And we’re gone” … Rachel (Weaver) … just don’t take it the wrong way when the other eliminated nice families don’t want to hang out with you, either.

“People who win will probably spend it on a new nose and bigger boobs” … Rachel (Weaver) … I wouldn’t put it past those Linz boys just to do it on a dare.

“Whenever you get sad, you just have to eat ice cream. It invigorates and rejuvenates you” … Linda (Weaver) … and that ice cream headache will probably help remind you that you’re still in last place.

“I would cry if I wasn’t holding my Big Mac” … Rachel (Weaver) … clever product placement or a spokesmodel audition tape … you be the judge.

“Most people like us” … Linda (Weaver) … it’s just the other teams and most of the viewing audience that seems to have issues.
Upon hearing the Linzes were still in the race, Miss Nude Utah probably turned down the job.
“Miss Utah? Miss Latin Utah … even better” … Alex (Linz) … upon hearing the Linzes were still in the race, Miss Nude Utah probably turned down the job.

“I do like to talk but I want to win a million dollars” … Christine (Godlewski) … to have shutting up be your big contribution to winning a million dollars has got to be a little ego-deflating.

“Are you aware that other teams have literally come from last place and won the Amazing Race?” … Phil … all you need is talent, luck, and speed … so maybe getting use to fourth place isn’t a bad idea after all.

“To be yielded twice and getting lost on a mountain, to come back and win. That would be amazing” … Linda (Weaver) … that’s nothing. If the Weavers avoid being attacked at the finish line and have garbage through at them, now that would be the amazing part.


You’d think if the crew was going to slap on a trailer, they would at least have the decency to top off the gas tank. For all we know, they could have been joyriding on the Godlewski’s tank all over Arizona.

Note to the Linzes: How is it you can spot an opposing team from a mile away, but you can't see key road signs right beside you?

Should the race have instituted doing a three-point turn as one of its detours on this leg?

After their problems trying to turn the trailer around, how quickly do you think we’ll see the trailer the Godlewskis won as a prize up on eBay? Never used … never will be used.

I feel bad for the Linzes falling behind at the helicopter ride. I guess a sign with numbers on it just blends in really well with the desert landscape.

Since a camera drained the Godlewski car battery, could they have used another camera to give them a boost?
Note to the Weavers: Everyone seems to be able to spot trailers from a great distance. Ducking to avoid being seen doesn’t work for ostriches … and it’s not going to work for you.

Note to the Weavers: Everyone seems to be able to spot trailers from a great distance. Ducking to avoid being seen doesn’t work for ostriches … and it’s not going to work for you.

Should they have made Bart’s checkpoint the yield? He’d make a good enforcer. If you’ve got a 1100-pound bear looking at you, it’s a given that you’re not going to be moving before that hourglass runs out.

As cool as it looked, I don’t think we’ll be seeing the move known as the “Linz face plant” at the Olympics any time soon.

Note to the Weavers: You know you’re loved when all teams were contemplating sacrificing a big lead just so they could see you hit the Yield mat. At least God might be happy that you’re spreading a little joy around.