Amazing Race Rants

Amazing Race Rant - Episode Seven (Part One)


“This is Quepos, Costa Rica, … a sleepy surf town in Central America.” … Phil … which was rudely awakened by the arrival of reality television. Talk about nightmare fodder.

“Can the Paolos continue to capitalize on their newfound teamwork?” … Phil … With a good dose of Valium and laryngitis, anything is possible.
Hell, they survived being outcasts when there were 10 teams Ö 5 teams should be a walk in the park.
“And with only 5 teams left, will the Weavers survive being outcasts?” … Phil … Hell, they survived being outcasts when there were 10 teams … 5 teams should be a walk in the park.

“I’m trying not to think about the pain in my legs.” … Marion (Paolo) … Happily, the pain in her head from all the arguing should help keep her mind off of it.

“There’s just things that my mother does that drives me nuts.” … DJ (Paolo) … He’ll start with everything she says and does, and start breaking down the list from there.

“We like to think we’re the fastest and strongest.” … Tommy (Linz) … despite a string of second-place finishes that proves otherwise.

“But this Race isn’t all about just being physically fit.” … Tommy (Linz) … The Paolos are living proof of that theory.

“It’s a team effort, and everybody needs to step back and let it be a team effort for everyone.” … Lauren (Bransen) … Wally is already doing his part for the team in the stepping back department.

“Tony is the strongest. Tony, maybe you should do it.” … Marion (Paolo) … Banana harvesting and swimming are two different kinds of strong, and more importantly, the number of banana-related drownings to date has been negligible.

“Go, Wally. You’re a fish. A skinny fish.” … Elizabeth (Bransen) ... A skinny fish? Just how far out did Wally swim?

“Why’d he say he could do it if he couldn’t do it?” … DJ (Paolo) … Maybe because the list of volunteers was a little on the slim side, but it could be that his subconscious finally took over and told him just to keep swimming.

“Dad, don’t drown!” … DJ (Paolo) … We’ll lose the clue, get penalized, and probably a whole bunch of other bad things, too.

“No peeing then. For two and a half hours.” … Tommy (Linz) … A classic battle of man vs. Costa Rican coffee. After about an hour on a bumpy road, that open window is going to look mighty tempting.

“We know we have some problems.” … Tricia (Godlewski) … in much the same way the Middle East and Parisian suburbs have problems.

“We’re being ourselves, and we’re being hated for it.” … Rebecca (Weaver) … If a person hates you for being yourself, that’s their problem. If 20 people hate you, maybe it’s time to investigate that a bit deeper.

“I’m going on faith.” … Rolly (Weaver) … Faith and swimming have a mixed record. Witness the eternal Moses vs. Jonah debates. Maybe faith in Blue Cross might be best suited here.

“There’s a funeral going on, so make sure we’re respectful.” … Elizabeth (Bransen) … as respectful as a charging tribe of backpackers and camera crews can be, of course. Damn, I hope there isn’t a pallbearer roadblock.

“In “Brush,” teams must travel over 10 miles to this ox-cart factory.” … Phil … I never realized that the ox-cart business was booming so much that they needed a factory.

“I’m going to have more muscles than brains in my head when we’re done with this Race.” … Marion (Paolo) … At least you’ll be able to relate to your sons better that way … well, except for the muscles part.

“It’s a place you’d love to take a honeymoon.” … Christine (Godlewski) on Costa Rica … Walk through the jungle looking for styrofoam relics, harvest a few hundred pounds of bananas, and then race to a pitstop to watch the sunset together.

“But we’re with the sisters. No romance on this trip.” … Michelle (Godlewski) … It seems like love and patience are in rather short supply, too.

“We can’t do too much thinking, Chrissy.” … Sharon (Godlewski) … In other words, stick to the Godlewski gameplan.

“We can do more of the monotonous stuff than the strength stuff.” … Rachel (Weaver) … Probably true, but I would keep that ‘monotonous’ stuff under wraps when talking to the artist. They can be a little sensitive when told their passion is repetitive and boring.

“Sticks are going up my butt.” / “It’s going to smell like sugar’ … Tommy / Megan (Linz) … Happy to take your word on that one. Hope when word of this gets out, there isn’t a plummeting of sugar cane prices in Costa Rica. Maybe they could quarantine this particular bunch.

“Oh look. There’s oxen.” … Michelle (Godlewski) … At an ox-cart factory? What are the odds? He might be there for a fitting or maybe for a test drive. Hell, he could be one of the owners.
Possibly Ö there are many theories that state that Hell is, in fact, either a reality TV show or a karaoke bar. This might just be a Purgatory-type warm-up.
“Am I in hell?” … DJ (Paolo) on his dad’s singing … Possibly … there are many theories that state that Hell is, in fact, either a reality TV show or a karaoke bar. This might just be a Purgatory-type warm-up.

“I don’t want to have to re-do your stuff, Tricia.” / “I don’t want to work with her anymore.” … Sharon / Tricia (Godlewski) … Maybe after a timeout and naptime, the sisters will learn play nice with each other again.

“We are not smart.” … Megan (Linz) on barrel clue finding … Well, not as smart as the clue-hiders, perhaps, but you certainly won your game of wits with the barrel.

“Back to English.” … Megan (Linz) on heading back to Phoenix … It’ll be nice to hear, “God, you guys are really lost,” in the mother tongue again.

“Phoenix, Arizona? What the hell are we going to Phoenix, Arizona, for? I want to go to New Zealand.” … Marion (Paolo) … You could always try to fly the San Jose–Auckland–Phoenix route, but that is a bit risky.

“I’m using the skinny one to outline and the fat one to colour in.” / “You’re kidding me. You’re doing it perfect?” … Tricia / Sharon (Godlewski) … Anything worth painting is worth painting well—at least until you get a can of paint dumped on your head.

“Mr. Artesian? Are we ok?” … Linda (Weaver) … Artesian? He must be Costa Rica’s finest maker of ox carts and ancient Roman wells.

“That guy’s an idiot. He’s a moron.” … Tony (Paolo) on the ticket agent … And, coming from the Paolos, that’s saying something.

“If they talked nice, they might get further with him.” … Marion (Paolo) … And if that worked, they might even try doing it within the family.

“You ever hear of ‘Don’t mess with a good thing?’” / “I should mess with you then, because you’re a bad thing.” … DJ / Brian (Paolo) … It’s funny, ’cause it’s true.

“What was the reason for yielding us?” … Rebecca (Weaver) to DJ … putting him on the spot asking for just one reason. Couldn’t they let him check with the other teams first and draft up some sort of top-ten list for them?

“That’s what you do when you’re trying to knock a team out.” / (gasps) … DJ (Paolo) / Weaver family … Apparently, the stretch from outcast to elimination-target was too big a leap to make. You hate us and want us gone? I didn’t see that coming.

“We like you. We’ve been nothing but friendly to you. Let’s be friends.” … Linda (Weaver) … Sure … we can discuss it further once all that craziness drains away from your eyes.

“Our luck just sucks.” … Michelle (Godlewski) … Actually, for getting this far without much evidence of skill, your luck has been pretty good. It probably just needs a breather.

“Teams must travel 16 miles to the Bondurant SuperKart school.” … Phil … A little ironic having to drive somewhere just so you can drive some more. But it wouldn’t be much of a Family Edition if at some point the kids didn’t go to some sort of school.

“Oh man. It’s hotter than snot.” … Sharon (Godlewski) … Not sure I ever heard that metaphor before. Makes me worry that the next time I sneeze, my nose might ignite and explode.

“They don’t really want you running in these places.” … Marion (Paolo) … Well, rules were made to be broken. But it’s too bad airports just don’t see it that way.

“I hope to God you never get married, D. I really do. Because nobody would put up with your nonsense.” … Marion (Paolo) … But then you’re stuck with dealing with it solo. A daughter-in-law could be an ally or, at the very least, give you a few nonsense-free moments to enjoy.

“I don’t know why your father just doesn’t knock your head off your shoulders.” … Marion (Paolo) … Mainly because the idea of being the garbage collector of Cell Block D is slightly less appealing than life with DJ. At least for now.

“This is a good one for him. It’s not like he’s trekking around this thing on foot.” … Elizabeth (Bransen) on Wally driving a go-kart … Wally should get out of it just fine. Of course the same probably can’t be said for the go-kart’s shocks and suspension.

“What state are we in again?” … Rachel (Weaver) … The same state you’ve been in since the start of the Race: the state of confusion.
Probably the best calming news they can give is that most go-kart accidents have been restricted to broken feet and rodent fatalities.
“My husband was killed by a race car, so I need someone to be very compassionate with me.” … Linda (Weaver) … Probably the best calming news they can give is that most go-kart accidents have been restricted to broken feet and rodent fatalities.

“Remember to breathe, all right. Don’t hold your breath while you’re out there driving.” … attendant to Linda Weaver … Not only would you probably pass out by the fourth lap, you’d be missing all the great exhaust fumes.

“Your Dad would be proud of you guys. Just think about that.” … Sharon (Godlewski) to Weaver children … Proud, yes, that they made it to the racetrack, but probably a little ticked that they keep putting Mom into stressful situations. The lady’s close to the cracking point.

“I just hate the Desperate Housewives. They’re so annoying. And they lie.” … Rebecca (Weaver) … If you’re talking about the TV show, sure. Otherwise, we may have stumbled upon a reason you’re having trouble making friends.

“Dad’s going to be a lot slower, because he’s a lot heavier.” … Elizabeth (Bransen) … But his size might make for a good battering ram. One good nudge from Wally and, bang, Tommy’s halfway back to Phoenix.

“You have to be careful of Tommy. He’s lapping people.” / “I know. But I don’t want to make a mistake either.” … Lauren / Wally (Bransen) … There’s nothing wrong with being a little cautious. Maybe after another 25 laps, Wally will really start getting the hang of it.

“No, he’s going to hit her!” (scream) … Rebecca (Weaver) on Tommy Linz … Hope those go-karts come with airbags, or we might be seeing Linda running the rest of the Race with a neck brace and a team of lawyers in tow.

“20-year-old guy passing a 46-year-old woman.” / “Great accomplishment guys.” … Linda / Rachel (Weaver) … Not a proud victory, but they’ll take it. Besides, I missed the part when go-karting became such an age- and sex-biased sport. Aren’t all go-karts created equal?

“Oh, look, I wonder if the Cleaver family’s in there?” … Rebecca (Weaver) on the passing garbage truck … That’s not very nice. You don’t hear the Paolos saying “I wonder if the Weavers are in there?” every time an asylum truck rolls by.

“You were just on fuego.” … Nick (Linz) to Tommy … Nick proves that Spanish always sounds better on a show like The Amazing Race. To hear Donald Trump say, “You’re fuegoed,” just doesn’t have the same ring to it.

“I’ll look like a jerk.” / “I don’t care.” … DJ / Marion (Paolo) … after six weeks of watching DJ Paolo, I don’t think seeing him in a parka is going sway any opinions one way or another.

“Paolo family, you look ridiculous.” … Phil … I’m sorry to tell you, but you’ve been eliminated from the realms of good style.

“We don’t need money or clothes or items to get us to win this Race.” … Elizabeth (Bransen) … but they would sure make it more comfortable.


Is it wise to trust an altar boy who keeps clues up his sleeve? Not exactly doing God’s work is he?

Quepos is the only surf town where apparently the stray dogs outnumber the surfers.

Do you think that, after spending two and a half hours driving the cab for the Weavers, Arnold might decide that cab driving isnít really for him?
Do you think that, after spending two and a half hours driving the cab for the Weavers, Arnold might decide that cab driving isn’t really for him?

For all the beauty and colour on the decorated ox-cart wheels, did you get the feeling that this was just one step up from painting by numbers?

If da Vinci had only painted ox-cart wheels, would The Da Vinci Code have been half as exciting having to search through the farms and stables of Europe for clues?

After seeing the sugar cane so close to Tommy Linz’s butt, would switching to Splenda be the best thing to do?

CBS was prepared to announce that no barrels were hurt during the filming of this episode, but the Linz family managed to toss that claim out the window.

Airline ticket counters closing at 5:00 P.M.? Can bankers’ hours be too far off?

So the Weaver children are nervous about Mom driving go-karts which go about 20 mph, but are fine having Mom tear down the highway in a GMC Yukon.

Note to the Godlewskis: The lady who just finished 50 laps and is suffering from heat stroke and exhaustion might not be the best choice to navigate to the pitstop.

The go-karts were a great challenge for Wally. It looks like he lost about 10 pounds in sweat alone. That’s better than Atkins.

Note to the Paolos: If there are five teams in the Race and three cars at the pitstop, odds are you are number four. So putting on five layers of clothing might be good practice, but might not be necessary.

Was it a nice break for Phil to get a hug from one of the Bransen girls? Not that you can ever have too many Tony Paolo hugs, of course.