In Control – Vol. VIII, No. 6
Steve and Dave admit to being a bit perplexed. Why does everyone in the race seem to hate the Weaver family? (Excluding the obvious reason that TARFE® is tremendously bad, and all the participants are worthy of contempt, that is.) Let’s look at a few things. Here’s what we said about them before the race even began:
Steve: As a wannabe race driver, I remember the incident that took this family’s patriarch. He was a track worker who was hit and killed during a yellow-flagged race. It was truly unfortunate. Nothing funny here. They get my sentimental vote.
Dave: Okay, who was in charge of checking the clothing for this race? Heck, on our race they made me put a piece of tape over the tag that said “Wilson” on my t-shirt. On this group’s photo I can clearly see a Nike “swoosh.” I vaguely remember the incident myself, Stever. But all sentiment aside, how many minutes into episode 1 before mom talks about how tough it is to raise a family by herself? I’m guessing less than five.
See, nothing there to indicate any need for hatred. In fact, their story even seems pretty sympathetic. Here’s what the CBS website says about them:
“The Weaver family hails from Ormond Beach, Florida. Linda, the mother of three, lost her husband and their father almost two years ago in an accident at Daytona International Speedway. Linda's children are Rebecca, 19, Rachel, 16, and the lone man of the team, Rolly, who's 14.
“Since her husband's death, Linda, 46, has been forced to play the role of both breadwinner and nurturer. Linda is an elementary school teacher who is hoping her experiences on THE AMAZING RACE will alleviate some of the heartache from the past couple of years.”
[Second note from Steve and Dave to aspiring columnists: We just did it again – filled several more column inches without actually writing anything. This time we quoted CBS. They did the work; we filled more space in our column. We hope you all are taking notes. This stuff is gold, and we’re giving it away! Back to the column.]
Okay – we liked them before the race began, they have a sympathetic story, and (as has been repeated over and over) they are even Christians. Sure, they made fun of all the remaining teams when they got Yielded, but even Christians can have a bad day. Didn’t you see Mrs. Weaver give the Godlewskis money at the bus terminal? We didn’t see any other teams helping out.
It has to be something else. There just doesn’t seem to be a reason for that much hatred. And if the Paolos hadn’t done the deed all the other teams were queuing up to take their shot at slapping on a Yield. Heck, even the fact that they’ve been loners pretty much the whole race tends to make us believe that the other teams shouldn’t know enough about them to hate them.
[Steve and Dave note to everyone, not just aspiring columnists: When the Paolos finally break into a Three Stooges routine, remember that we predicted it here first.
DJ: “Will you knuckleheads shut up and let me drive?”
Marion: “Why I oughta…”
Tony: “Hey DJ, pick two!”
Brian: “Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!”
Okay, back to the real stuff again.]
Since we couldn’t find anything in our review of the shows to date and CBS has repeatedly rejected our efforts to actually speak to racers from this season (perhaps it had something to do with us calling and asking if their refrigerator was running), we decided to do some experimentation with the Weavers’ cast photo. Here’s the photo as it appears on the CBS website:
They seem to us to be pretty normal looking, nothing really apparently wrong with these folks.
[Another note to aspiring columnists: Here’s where we really shine. Watch as we repeatedly burn more column inches with a photograph. We use the same picture over and over, simply changing the color balance and claiming we did some scientific experiments with it!]
First we subjected the picture to infrared lighting, and checked to see if we could detect anything. Since infrared focuses at a different depth than visible light, sometimes things are visible in infrared that are invisible to the naked eye. Here’s what we found:
As you can plainly see, nothing major jumps out at us – except for the rather nasty gap in Rebecca’s front teeth. This suggests that she may have had some type of cosmetic dental surgery, which might imply a certain shallowness of character. Perhaps the remaining racers have detected this character flaw and thus the hatred was spawned.
Since ultraviolet light focuses on the negative of any colors in an image, we next created a negative of the photo and applied UV light, with the following results:
Here we can clearly see what appears to be either a healed scar or a herpe on Mrs. Weaver’s lower lip. Both of these could indicate a history of some type of deviant sexual behavior, and it may be this behavior that the racers have noticed and are reacting to.
[Still another tip for aspiring columnists: When in doubt, create “facts” to suit your story. Above the picture we made some claims about UV light. We made them up, and they’re probably complete crap. Now, there is the slimmest of chances that our made up “facts” are actually true, but we honestly don’t know jack about UV light.]
For this next picture, we didn’t really do anything except add clown makeup to the family. Here’s what we got:
As you can see, it doesn’t really prove anything, but everyone knows that clowns can be scary at times. Maybe all the other racers are imagining the Weavers as clowns, and are just afraid of them.
[Final tip for aspiring columnists: Do you see what we did there? That’s right, we took something that made US laugh, and added it. It has no bearing on anything, doesn’t really even fit with the story, but we liked it. Sometimes it’s okay to add stuff just because.]
Lastly but not leastly, we’re happy to announce that next week is the big “Real Questions Answered By Steve & Dave” column. To date the questions you all have submitted have been limited at best. So, if you want to see your question in this column next week, you had better hurry up and get it submitted. Otherwise you might see YOUR NAME attached to a question that Steve and Dave made up – but no one else will know that you didn’t really ask the question. Are you willing to take that chance? Get those questions PM’d to Steve or Dave today!