Amazing Race Rants

Amazing Race Rant - Episode Six

Quotes “This gateway to the world’s largest body of water was the fifth pit stop in the Amazing Race” … Phil … and after letting these racers in, they ought to keep a closer eye on who they let through that gate.
The Godlewskis wonít be defeated by any man-made obstacle when there are so many Godlewski-created obstacles that will do the job nicely.
“Will the Godlewskis be defeated by this obstacle, or will they rebound from this setback?” … Phil … the Godlewskis won’t be defeated by any man-made obstacle when there are so many Godlewski-created obstacles that will do the job nicely.

“I think the boys are appreciating me a little bit more” … Marion (Paolo) … or at least appreciating what she’s capable of. Spending days trapped in an SUV with nowhere to run will do that to you.

“I’m not as fast or quick as I used to be. I’m not as strong as I used to be. But at least they understand, I can still do it” … Marion (Paolo) … with “it” covering the spectrum from racing to yelling to paper-cut-inflicting.

“I’m more than just a mom staying home and doing the laundry and everything” … Marion (Paolo) … now I’m a mom on the road doing the laundry and everything. Still, bungee jumping is a step up from the dangers of watching the soaps.

“When things go bad, little things … this small … can set us off” … Tony (Paolo) … to experience life as a Paolo, you could always try walking around with Nitro in your pocket.

“I swear to God you guys better not fight. / I’m going to kick you in the head” … Tony / DJ to Brian (Paolo) … you see, to most families that might be considered fighting. In the land of the Paolos, this is downright civil.

“We’ve been raised since we were born not to trust other people, but to trust your family and trust God” … Rachel (Weaver) … kind of puts a damper on making friends but they’re right on course for the hermit or cult-member lifestyle.

“We see the other teams talking about us, but we can’t control what other people are saying.” … Rebecca (Weaver) … only our actions can do that.

“We can’t control what they talk about us” … Rebecca (Weaver) … or even what they say about us.

“We’re all Christians and we’re above them” … Rachel (Weaver) … ironically these were the same last words the Christians said just before they met the lions.

“And although I know they love me and like being around me, I’m sort of like the outsider of that group.” … Wally (Bransen) on his girls … to be an insider, he would have to stay within at least a half a mile of them while jogging.

“We’ve met some really nice people on this race” … Alex (Linz) … and from the nicknames they’ve created, they’ve also met some not-so-nice people

“The competition is starting to kick in. You can see it in other teams’ eyes” … Tommy (Linz) … now as to whether that’s competition he’s seeing or the reaction to a stray fart or two, the jury’s still out.

“We have to run to Costa Rica, Carissa. / How far is that? / About 200 miles” … Billy / Carissa / Billy (Gaghan) … and if you’re looking for route markers, just watch for Wally and Ma Paolo crawling along the road.

“Yesterday we had a lot of luck and almost all of it was bad” … Bill (Gaghan) … and while today is a new day, luck doesn’t run so much on a quota system as it does on the “what would be funny” system.

“I’m like on Dad’s belly” … Elizabeth (Bransen) … don’t complain. That’s probably the most comfortable seat in the cab.

“We were like … the first team that comes in as long as it ain’t Florida, tell them where it is quickly” … Marion (Paolo) … it’s nice to see Ma Paolo start focusing some anger on people outside her own family.

“Pretty much we didn’t want the Florida team on the first bus. They’ve been rude to everyone” … DJ (Paolo) … after the singing, complaining, and dancing odyssey in Alabama, I can’t blame them for not wanting to share a bus.

“We had no choice but to hopefully use our feminine charm” … Sharon (Godlewski) … useful in the hotel and possibly Panamanian jail. Still, if their feminine charms don’t work, at least they have the mosquito netting to drag people in.

“And try to get something for nothing” … Sharon (Godlewski) … nothing? An encounter with the Godlewski sisters will provide someone with confusion, bewilderment, and stress. That’s hardly nothing.

“I don’t have money. I have love” … strange man to Godlewski sisters … works great as a marriage proposal but not so much when you’re begging for money. Still, if they could hook this guy up with the cab driver, they’d be in business.

“Cinqo dollaros? / Vente would be good, too” … Sharon / Tricia (Godlewski) … Vente might be good, even great, but it’s definitely funny and out of the question.

“We’re being nice to them. They’re being nice to us” … Tricia (Godlewski) on the Weavers … the desperate buying friendship from the friendless. Not exactly a bond made in stone.

“I’m sure when it comes down to it / There’ll be some back stabbin’” … Tricia / Michelle (Godlewski) … it will probably have to wait till the Godlewskis can afford a knife … or a pen … or even something blunt.

“When you see something like that (poverty) it makes you appreciate your life. That’s a great gift to give to your children” … Bill (Gaghan) … it’s an important gift, but if Santa could bring us a new Xbox, that would be great, too.

“I’m coming. / Yeah, so’s Christmas” … Marion / DJ (Paolo) … and with comments like that, I can see somebody’s stocking getting a few lumps of coal in it.

“He’s going to take us exactly there … we hope” … Megan (Linz) on the cab driver … and if not, what could be more romantic than a night time tour of San Jose with your brothers and camera crew.

“Stay close to me, Rolly. I’m nervous in this area” … Linda (Weaver) … nervous walking around a bus terminal after midnight. Talk about being paranoid.

“Let’s get out of here. I need to figure out the car first” … Tricia / Sharon (Godlewski) … unfortunately for Sharon, all the numbers are written in Spanish.

“I can drive a stick shift you guys” … Linda (Weaver) … now, how well I can drive is still up for debate.

“<chug> <chug>. Brakes are working” … Linda (Weaver) … it’s just the transmission that’s not doing so well. Besides, if you can’t get out of first gear, couldn’t you just roll to a stop without brakes anyway?

“Why don’t you go out and talk to him? / It’s easier for you to get out. / No, it’s not” … Wally / Lauren / Wally (Bransen) … if nobody wants to leave the car, maybe it’s time for some out of the box thinking … like calling somebody over, or even driving up to them. It’s radical, but it just might work.

“Dad, put your seatbelt on” … Lauren (Bransen) … good idea, because it looks like it’s going to be a bumpy ride.
Guiding the Weavers so close to the edge of a volcano, you have to think God is just a little tempted.
“God, please guide us to where we have to go” … Rachel (Weaver) … guiding the Weavers so close to the edge of a volcano, you have to think God is just a little tempted.

“She’s good because she could wake up and go in like 2 seconds” … Bill (Gaghan) on Carissa … but unfortunately she might have to go in the following 2 seconds. Quick riser + quick bladder = disaster.

“Hey Dad. I hope they say kids are free. / I love ‘kids are free’” … Carissa / Bill (Gaghan) … definitely an advantage and it would be cool to watch the Paolo children and the Linz family try to walk in on their knees to get the “child” discount.

“Teams must travel 17 miles and find this coffee plantation. Once there, they’ll find their next clue” … Phil … and hopefully a decent cup of coffee. Maybe even a Starbucks.

“That was the dumbest volcano I’ve ever been to” … Rachel (Weaver) … can’t say the volcano was overly impressed with the Weavers, either. Could you blame it for erupting?

“Do we do it (the Yield)? Suck it up and be mean for a day?” … Nick (Linz) … not that the nickname-calling to date has been too much on the nice side.

“You need to turn … / Righto or lefto?” … direction guy / Linda (Weaver) … and if you insist on using words like that, let’s just stoppo right now.

“Gracias. Mucho gracias / Even though you are no help” … Linda / Rebecca (Weaver) … he was plenty of help … just to the other teams is all. If he’s playing the odds, his karma is looking pretty good right about now.

“In this roadblock, one person must search through 800 pounds of coffee beans for the one bean that is coloured red” … Phil … kind of like finding the golden ticket in Willy Wonka, only without the fun, magic, and wonder.

“Florida team. They’re going to love us for that (the Yield)” … Marion (Paolo) … don’t worry. I’m sure there’s plenty of Weaver love to go around for all the conspiring teams.

“They’re in front of the garbage truck. They’re in front of the garbage truck” … Rebecca (Weaver) on the Paolos’ picture … don’t think of it as a garbage truck. It’s just an SUV with a lot of extra features, including 2 tonnes of storage space.

“I hope those boobs cost a lot” … Rachel (Weaver) on the Godlewskis … might explain why they’re racing. A million dollars pays a lot of surgeon bills

“What did I say he looked like? / A squirrel / And you just didn’t know it, retard” … Rachel / Rolly / Rachel (Weaver) on Brian Paolo … okay, Brian might not be the smartest guy around, but you don’t see him arguing with a picture now, do you?

“Yelling doesn’t help her. / Maybe it makes it worse” … Bill / Billy (Gaghan) … maybe so, but I’m not sure if there are any clearly defined protocols for what to do when somebody is searching through 800 pounds of coffee beans.

“If they want to do that, let them do that. We’re not going to play that game” … Linda (Weaver) on being yielded … oddly enough, there might not be much of a game left for the Weavers to play anyway.

“We’re responsible to a higher authority” … Linda (Weaver) … that being to God, the producers, and CBS … none of whom are all that interested in taking sides right now.

“And we’ll go as far as we can doing the right thing” … Linda (Weaver) … sprinkled liberally with wrong things here and there.

“C’mon Mom. You’re absolutely under no pressure” … Billy (Gaghan) … careful, Billy. Smart ass lines like that will lead you to searching for your allowance in 800 pounds of beans.

“You have proven yourself. You’re now an official Linz boy. Here are your golden balls” … Tommy (Linz) to Megan … God, I hope it’s not a necklace. More like earrings probably. In any case, I’d have them washed first.

“21 years guys. 21 years I was looking forward to getting my balls” … Megan (Linz) … and only now do I realize, man, that was really a waste.

“Was my underwear out everywhere? / Yeah, I was going to scream out nice ass, but I held back because Bill and Tammy were there” … Lindsey / Elizabeth (Bransen) … very polite. It would have been scary for the kids to watch their mom whip beans at their dad’s staring head.
God did help Moses with the Red Sea, but Iím thinking finding the red bean falls a little shy of Godís ďletís helpĒ stack.
“Pray, Rachel, pray” … Linda (Weaver) on bean hunting … God did help Moses with the Red Sea, but I’m thinking finding the red bean falls a little shy of God’s “let’s help” stack.

“How far is it this way? / Maybe ‘dos’ kilometers” … Brian / drunk guy … you know, when you start speaking English but must say the numbers in Spanish, maybe it’s time for a round of black coffee.

“Teams must choose between two beloved elements of Costa Rican culture … relic or ripe” … Phil … okay, aspects of Mayan culture I can see as being beloved, but harvesting bananas? Necessary and important sure, but I don’t see many banana harvesters with that beloved vibe to them.

“Once they have delivered each of their relics to this archeologist, they’ll receive their next clue” … Phil … being a token archeologist on a reality show, I’m hoping this guy didn’t finish at the top of his class.

“Michelle thinks she knows everything so she can drive. / No, I don’t. I said I’ll drive” … Sharon / Michelle (Godlewski) … true, she made no comment about how much or little she knows. Gives you that warm feeling knowing she’s at the wheel, doesn’t it?

“Do we even know what a relic is?” … Lauren (Bransen) … try to imagine the Rolling Stones, only made of rock, and you’ll get the idea.

“It’s like an artifact.” … Wally (Bransen) … okay, she had trouble with “relic” … do you think “artifact” is really going to shed that much light on the subject?

“This is a little scary for me” … Lauren (Bransen) on walking across the vine bridge … being on the same unstable bridge while Wally’s walking across it, you’ve got a right to be scared. Terrified even.

“Just a walk in the park” … Nick (Linz) … only we’re about 150 ft above it, is all.

“Damn you guys, where can these stupid relics be?” … Megan (Linz) … what were those lost civilizations thinking, hiding all their relics so well. Being an archeologist is really annoying, what with all the walking and searching.

“Dad, you’re a friggin’ monster” … DJ (Paolo) … might be a good thing to remember the next time you’re thinking about missing curfew.

“If I tried to lift a garbage can, I can’t do it” … DJ (Paolo) … that’s still not going to get him out of his weekly chores. He’ll be dragging that garbage can to the curb if he has to.

“C’mon Dad. Is that all ya got?” … Billy (Gaghan) on driving fast … Billy is just a couple of steps shy of calling his dad chicken and racing him for pinks.

“I’m sick of doing stuff I can’t do” … Linda (Weaver) … who would have thought the race would be filled with new experiences and challenges. That’s what you get for not reading the fine print.

“Where’s she going?” … Rolly (Weaver) on his mom driving away … she’s finally found some stuff she can do … like panic and driving for the border.

“Is everybody okay?” … Linda (Weaver) … physically yes, but watching your mom break down in front of you … well, let’s just say that mentally they’re still on the Magical Mystery Tour.

“Can somebody help me put this down? / I don’t think you put it down like that” … Bill / Billy (Gaghan) … not to worry, Billy. I’m sure the ancient Mayans are annoyed enough about being mentioned in a reality show, that a few relic bumps and bruises aren't going to make the curses any worse.

“I’ve seen you look cleaner. I’ve smelled you better than this before, too” … Phil on the Bransens … whoever told Phil those pick-up lines needs to head back to the drawing board.

“Winners never quit, and quitters never win” … Carissa (Gaghan) … except in reality TV where morality laws don’t always apply.

“What I hope they take out of this is a sense of perseverance and a sense of optimism” … Bill (Gaghan) on the kids … and possibly a hatred of everything to do with coffee.


It might be useful for the Weavers to say a prayer before every leg, but if they haven’t got God’s attention by now, I don’t think he’s coming.

Note to Billy and Carissa: I’ll admit the producers could be running out of fresh ideas, but a 500-mile run to Costa Rica might be a little too extreme.
One good thing about the Godlewskis losing all their stuff Ö Christine wonít have a backpack to cry about anymore. Thatíll save them a few minutes for sure.
One good thing about the Godlewskis losing all their stuff … Christine won’t have a backpack to cry about anymore. That’ll save them a few minutes for sure.

Normally Panamanian restaurants don’t allow beggars, but they must make exceptions when the beggars are accompanied by their camera crews.

How useful is it for the teams to yell Tica all over the bus terminal? Are they expecting some stray busses to come running when called?

Which bus ride would you rather take … the beautiful sites viewed by the Paolos or the poverty shacks viewed by the Gaghans? Moral lessons aside, the mountains did look a lot nicer.

I can see Wally’s point of it not being easy to drive and jump out and ask for directions too. Still, sending his 20-something daughters out after midnight to talk to some people in a strange neighbourhood probably has its downsides, too.

For a plantation only 15 minutes away, it sure took that guy a long time to give directions to the Weavers. By the time the third car passed, “follow those cars” might have been the best advice to give.

Everybody wants to yield the Weavers. Hell, the murder victim on the Orient Express had fewer enemies than this team.

With so many people wanting to yield the Weavers, they’re either going to need a bigger picture board to show all the teams or start-up a yield standby list.

To see that many Americans get excited over coffee beans means either the farmer is doing something really right, or the teams are long overdue for a switch to decaf.

The Weavers faced the extra challenge this week of not only trying to find the Surf Shop but also to come up with as many different wrong pronunciations of the name Javier as possible.

Note to Brian: if you find a guy sitting at a bar before noon, he might not be the one you want to ask for directions.

Papa Paolo was such a maniac lifting those bananas, I think the pulley system was actually slowing him down a bit. New York garbage trembles at the sight of Tony Paolo.

Before this episode, I never knew that the Mayans were so skilled in the art of making Styrofoam relics.

Ma Paolo vs. Megan Linz in a foot race … and Megan loses. Somebody’s longshot bet just came in.

Those were cool prizes that the Paolos won, but the image of Ma and Pa Paolo racing around the neighbourhood on His and Hers Segways is just too disturbing to shake off.

As gracious and supportive as he was, Phil still made a 9-year-old girl cry this week. On the bright side, enough tears and she could probably get her own Segway from CBS out of it.