The ATC Report

In Control – Vol. VIII, No. 5

Hello! To the column we are now welcoming you. First, an explanation to you we are offering. Knowing you can see this plain, we are telling you that regular writers we are not. Offers to not write blog or talking on internet are Steve and Dave getting from CBS, so hiring us they have for writing. Bad talking about The Amazing Race Family Edition in column being reason of possibility they are thinking, so we are now becoming replacement writings. So now introducing us from Pakistan, Evestay and Aveday we are. So you are knowing for sure that this is no big joking, you can see plain that symbol not appearing in name. Steve and Dave always using ‘®’, but not using same are Evestay and Aveday to keep you from big fooling.
All of you watching television so that Amazing Race you are seeing can be knowing the greatness. Excitement to be felt as racing into Panama go the people, and big cheering to see them sleeping.
All of you watching television so that Amazing Race you are seeing can be knowing the greatness. Excitement to be felt as racing into Panama go the people, and big cheering to see them sleeping. Turning not the channel to see American baseball serious of world since close racing is run. All breath is being held because none can know who will win, but final outcome is not yet to be told.

To speak with the man “Phil” come the racings, and one could be….

….pssssst! Over here. No! Don’t look. Is the coast clear? No one lurking about wearing a badge that says “CBS Employee” on it? Okay, you can look now.

It’s really us, Steve and Dave. We had to fake that whole opening. We wanted CBS to think that we have finally stopped picking on The Amazing Trainwreck, Family Edition® so we wrote that whole thing ourselves – while pretending to be Pakistani replacement writers. [Note from Steve & Dave: we meant no disrespect to any of our Pakistani friends. Of course, we really don’t have any Pakistani friends but if we did, we certainly wouldn’t have wanted them to be offended. If we had some Pakistani friends, we probably would have pretended to be Indian, or maybe Chinese. Chinese would have been fun, huh? We could have said things like, “The Amazing Lace, Famiry Edition.” I guess we might have angered the Chinese though, and there’s a hell of a lot more of them than there are Pakistanis. In the long run it’s probably better that we chose Pakistan, since we don’t want a freaking international incident with the Chinese over “The Amazing Lace.” Damn crybabies. Anyhow, we’re sorry.]

We decided that we had better lay off calling the show things like “trainwreck”, “crapfest”, “waste of time”, “boring”, “really boring”, “Ray’s fault”, and “jasmine”. Someone pointed out to us that the CBS bigwigs might actually have read some of our comments, and this could be the reason Steve and Dave aren’t part of the blogging team on the official race website. We know we’re better writers than any of the hacks they’ve got posting there now – and several of them haven’t even bothered to post yet! Heck, we wouldn’t even have asked to be paid. At least not right away. So that’s why we had to pretend. We want the CBS dogs to think that we’re good little former racers, and if they see that the column doesn’t say anything inflammatory in the first paragraph or so, maybe that’s exactly what they will think.
We see teammates we’ve never seen before. Spanish is spoken that was learned from Dora the Explorer. And Phil got his shoes muddy doing a Roadblock explanation. Yippee.

Now that we’ve vented, let’s talk about the Famiry Edition. The groups finally get to use their $70 passports and apparently spend an entire day on one airplane. Not one person has completed a thought without the editors clipping their speech trying to create drama. We see teammates we’ve never seen before. Spanish is spoken that was learned from Dora the Explorer. And Phil got his shoes muddy doing a Roadblock explanation. Yippee.

Wait a second, we feel some more venting coming on…

Who else gives you nifty pictures to go with almost every column instead of nifty exclamation points at the end of every sentence? Nobody, that’s who. So now Steve and Dave are muy rapido. No that’s not it, mucho andele. Crap – stupid, lousy Panama. Steve and Dave are pissed. We think a CBS first year grunt (yeah, we’re talking to you Shecky) has been told to scan the Race websites and weed out the nonconformists. That would be us. But seriously, would you rather read the happy-happy joy-joy that is Al or the bone creaking, eighth place attitude that is yours truly? What? You want Al? Tough noogies. He’s busy doing CBS stuff and unavailable.

Anyhow, since we mentioned the pictures, here are this week’s. First, a map of Panama City, Florida (notice the arrows pointing to the respective names):

Panama City, Florida

And now, a map of Panama City, Panama. Again notice the arrows, added by us at no small expense.

Panama City, Panama

You can see how easily the Linz clan might have confused the two. After all, both are named “Panama City”, both are near water, both are in a state/country that is rather long and narrow, and the language of both is Spanish. But let’s just look at the clue and see if it provides any information that could have prevented this mistake.

Panama City, Panama

Wow. It turns out the Linz family is pretty dumb after all. And maybe, just maybe, the production staff is starting to realize that. Let’s hope they can get TAR9 on the air in time for next year’s Emmys.

Note from Steve:

I was raised a cop’s son. One of my fondest memories as a child was when my mom used to get us ready for a White Sox game. My Dad would pick us kids up in the squad car and go to the District 9 Police station on 35th street only a half block away from the mayor’s house. Dad would change from his uniform and walk us to Comiskey Park a few minutes away. He plopped us in the left field grandstands and left to work the game as security. All the security guys at the park were, and still are, Chicago cops. Mom would come with us on special days.

We were all Sox fans.

Dad worked the 1959 World Series. Mom watched them on TV with her 6 or 7 kids. (We lost track after 5.) Years later my Dad met one of the umpires and he became a family friend. Anytime he was in town working a Sox game, Mom would take us down to pick up our free tickets into the park and we’d all meet Dad. We now liked the umps but we were still Sox fans.

Dad died years ago. Mom would still watch the boys on TV and she was happy her son could afford season tickets but she never went to another game without Dad.

Mom died this week after game 2. I guess she wanted to watch them win the World Series with Dad. I’ll bet they had great reception.