Amazing Race Rants

Amazing Race Rant - Episode Five


“And in the heart of New Orleans, the French Quarter. This 300 year old enclave was the fourth pit stop in the Amazing Race” … Phil … Enclave? Luckily, Phil saves the complicated words like “enclave” for the narration. The teams had trouble with “Southern Colonel” … enclave might be a bit out of their league.

“Will the Gaghans be able to overcome a near loss and pull out of last place?” … Phil … well sure, as long as the kids had a 2 ft. growth spurt in the last 12 hours. Beside “near loss” is such a negative term. We like to call it an “almost win.”

“And will the Weavers continue to find strength and surge ahead?” … Phil … driven on by the knowledge that there are more racetracks to conquer, and at least another ten Great Lakes to cross.
Three in-shape 20-somethings and one overweight 50-year-old. Being a little liberal with the whole “we’re all equals” idea, aren’t you Wally?
“Being in a situation where we’re all equals is obviously very different for me” … Wally (Bransen) … three in-shape 20-somethings and one overweight 50-year-old. Being a little liberal with the whole “we’re all equals” idea, aren’t you Wally?

“In the race, they’re carrying me.” … Wally (Bransen) … and they’ve got the pulled muscles and hernias to prove it.

“I feel as a mother you have to take the punches and just deal with it” … Marion (Paolo) … then again throwing a few punches back and a paper cut or two works well also.

“My ideal situation by the end of this race would be to have DJ put his arms around me and say ‘I love you, Ma’” … Marion (Paolo) … his vision is very similar, only there’s a million dollar cheque in his hand, too.

“I definitely think my physical fitness is my weakness, which is a huge weakness for a team” … Megan (Linz) … but she counters that nicely with her navigating skills and ability to bail her brothers out of jail, as will likely be the case.

“I love high school spring break. Find some 16-year-old girls. / That’s the wrong Panama City” … Tommy / Megan (Linz) … and the wrong show unless the Race is doing a cross-over episode with Cops.

“One’s Continental. The other one is something else. / Let’s try Continental” … Tommy / Alex (Linz) … good reasoning, Alex. Trying to find the “something else” ticket counter could take far too long.

“I may be bossy, but my ideas are also the best” … Christine (Godlewski) … I’m only pushing you guys around because your ideas suck. With motivation like that, they’re going to give her something to cry about really soon.

“I understand alliances and I know they might help. But they’re stupid” … Rebecca (Weaver) … there seems to be a lot of that going around this season.

“Better to be second-to-last than to be eliminated” … Carissa (Gaghan) … though I hear first and second are pretty nice, too.

“Ma, I know. I’m not retarded” … DJ (Paolo) on buying tickets … maybe not, but it would explain a great many things, so let’s not toss that theory out the window yet.

“He’s being just absolutely cruel to you. / This is pretty nice” … Sharon (Godlewski) / Marion (Paolo) … it’s all relative. Anytime that police don’t have to be called in gets rated as “nice.”

“What are you doing? Be nice to your mom” … Sharon (Godlewski) … you know, DJ might just start believing that. It’s probably the first time he’s heard that statement quieter than a shout.

“Yeah, be nice to me. / I haven’t been that bad” … Marion / DJ (Paolo) … look, I bought you a ticket … on the same flight even. I’m just oozing niceness.

“Okay. From now on, I do the talking” … DJ (Paolo) … and this is a radical departure from the Paolo plan how?

“No. From now on, you mind your own business” … Marion (Paolo) … sadly, talking and arguing is his business. It’s the family business, in fact.

“I love that you can speak Spanish … what did he say? / I can’t tell” … Megan / Alex (Linz) … Alex is great at speaking Spanish, but apparently he missed the “understanding Spanish” class.

“Rapido, por favor. / No problem, baby” … Elizabeth (Bransen) / cab driver … it would seem when traveling to Panama, it helps to be fluent in Spanish, Wolf, and Pig.

“If anyone had ever told me I’d be in Panama with my mother crossing a river with crocodiles, I’d tell them they’re out of their minds” … DJ (Paolo) … what’s even crazier is that one of you wasn’t tossed in the river by the other. The night is still young, though.
Luckily they’ve brought Alex along to translate “Si” for everyone. With Alex’s Spanish, I’m not surprised that the cab driver is sticking to one word answers. It’s rough on the ears.
“Los alligators in la aqua? / Si” … Alex (Linz) / cab driver … luckily they’ve brought Alex along to translate “Si” for everyone. With Alex’s Spanish, I’m not surprised that the cab driver is sticking to one word answers. It’s rough on the ears.

“What does that sign say? Yes, Institute des … whatever” … Lauren / Elizabeth (Bransen) …yeah, it’s funny how only clue and sign writers really seem to worry about the whole name of places. But I’m sure this “whatever” institute does great work and research in … whatever.

“Habla Ingles? / A little / Burrito” … Linda / cab driver / Rachel (Weaver) … Careful. A cabbie with no sense of humour might drive you straight to Taco Bell, or decide to show you that his little English includes, “screw you” and “get the hell out of my cab.”

“Vamanos! / Dad, shut up.” … Tony / DJ (Paolo) … “Dad, shut up?” I guess either the parents are working in shifts with DJ, or he’s just an equal opportunity yeller.

“He’s gonna pick up somebody and then it’s your turn. / No, no, we’re in a race!” … passenger / Bill (Gaghan) … you’d think the presence of several camera crews might tell this guy it’s the wrong time to go pick up his buddy.

“Are you Ricardo Diaz? / No, I’m not. Keep searching around. Good luck, eh” … Marion (Paolo) / hammock guy … what are the odds? You travel all the way to Panama and one of the first people you meet is a Canadian in a hammock.

“Lord, please lead us to Ricardo Diaz” … Linda (Weaver) … sorry about that. I was a little busy with trying to lead you not into temptation and deliver you from evil, but I’ll get right on that Ricardo Diaz thing for you.

“Bungee jumping might be really fun” … Billy (Gaghan) … or it might be pretty damn scary. You and Carissa have to learn that climbing up ladders is a little easier than jumping off of them.

“Can you tell us where the buses are? / It’s an island. / I don’t believe him, Trish” … Trisha / scientist / Christine (Godlewski) … as scientific conspiracies go, lying about this being an island is a pretty lame one. Maybe he’d be more believable if he tacked on “you idiots” and starting laughing at them.

“We’re surrounded by water, guys. / This is an island. We knew that” … Michelle / Sharon (Godlewski) … see, great problems can be solved when you put your minds together. Now they can start working on other trivial matters, like say, the clue.

“That Florida lady was telling them to slow the boat down. Bitch.” … Alex (Linz) … damn. The Linz family might have to resort to drastic measures … like telling their driver to go faster.

“That lady needs to take her crazy pills” … Nick (Linz) on Linda Weaver … or a few less. They aren’t too many Waffle Houses to go crazy at in Panama City.

“I don’t know anything about birds. Hopefully they won’t be that hard to spot” … Wally (Bransen) … probably true if you were going to the zoo. I imagine in the rain forest, it’s going to be a little more challenging.

“This is a pimp bus, man” … Rolly (Weaver) … no, it’s a devil bus. The pimp bus is few cars back … the one with all the fur, jewelry, and the big hat. You can’t miss it.

“I want to do this for the guys of Bronx East 10” … Tony (Paolo) … bungee jumping … the secret dream of all New York garbage men.

“This is a crazy bus. / Oh yeah, this is much better than my school bus” … Carissa / Billy (Gaghan) … it’s a lot roomier and all the swear words are written in Spanish.

“Remember when you said you’re the man? I’m the girl. I can’t do nothing” … Marion (Paolo) to DJ … yeah, but I didn’t think I would have to prove it. I’m much better at the talking part.
The idea that the last thing DJ sees before dying is his mom pummeling him with a backpack just doesn’t seem to surprise me that much.
“I feel like I’m going to pass out. I’m a little nervous right now. / You better not or I’ll kill you” … DJ / Marion (Paolo) … the idea that the last thing DJ sees before dying is his mom pummeling him with a backpack just doesn’t seem to surprise me that much.

“Don’t panic. Close your eyes and throw yourself down” … Tony (Paolo) to DJ … or let your mom push you. I’m sure she’d be okay with that.

“Has anyone ever died doing this?” … Brian (Paolo) … there’s always a first time. And DJ and his mom may just end up killing each other on the way down.

“I don’t know how they just did that” … DJ (Paolo) on his Dad jumping … courage, parental peer pressure, and gravity all played a part.

“That’s it. That’s what I wanted to get out of this. My son to love me” … Marion (Paolo) … and all it took was a death defying drop from 140ft. The Paolos are going to need a taller house, though, if they want to keep this terror love going.

“That lady just had us take her to work” … Elizabeth (Bransen) on her bus passenger … well, what kind of people do you expect to get on the devil bus? This isn’t the Good Samaritan Angel bus, you know.

“As winners of this leg of the race, you have won a trip for four to Panama” … Phil … which you can apparently enjoy during the race. Man, I hope they get separate bedrooms because together their arguing could lead to some serious deforestation in Panama.

“Did you ever think you’d be bungee jumping with your parents? / I don’t even like going out to eat with my parents” … Phil / DJ (Paolo) … must make those pit stops really awkward. I guess bungee jumping worked better for him because it’s more like losing a meal than sharing one with your parents.

“It just takes one little kiss like that to show that they love you” … Marion (Paolo) … and one more “shut up, Mom,” to bring you back to reality.

“It’s one of those, like, talking birds” … Wally (Bransen) … are you sure you want this guy working the binoculars? From his description, he’s narrowed it down to a parrot, Toucan Sam, and Tweety Bird.

“We’re going to make Tricia make out with one of you guys. / Harrumph” … Christine (Godlewski) / Tommy (Linz) … between the Bransens and Godlewskis, we’ve got seven sisters for one Tommy. “Harrumph,” indeed. Tommy might now want to go to law school to check on the validity of verbal contracts.

“Sharon, flash ‘em while you’re running to base” … Michelle (Godlewski) … with perks like that, the kids will either be inspired to try hard to get to the major leagues, or maybe think about taking up soccer instead.
Well, at least until we get a hit. Then you guys can go screw yourselves. God’s on our side, ya know.
“We’re encouraging everybody” … Linda (Weaver) on batting … well, at least until we get a hit. Then you guys can go screw yourselves. God’s on our side, ya know.

“I hope those chicks don’t get eliminated” … Alex (Linz) … cause we’d be running out of people we can call “chicks” and what kind of race would it be then?

“She said stop trying to make him miss. Just be encouraging. / I would have told her to go screw herself” … Nick / Megan (Linz) … funny enough, that’s both insulting and encouraging at the same time.

“Dad’s a good player. He’s strong. He’s played baseball with me. I think he could do really good in there.” … Billy (Gaghan) … Dad may or may not be ready for baseball, but Billy sure has his sports commentating skills perfected.

“You don’t usually swear, either. / This is baseball. You can swear” … Christine / Michelle (Godlewski) … true enough. You just can’t cry in baseball … which is bad news for Christine.

“You got to swing no matter what. Pretend it’s that boss who wouldn’t give that raise” … Tricia / Christine (Godlewski) … they better win the million dollars ‘cause I don’t think getting a hit now is going to help her chances at getting that raise much.

“We got to go out with a sense of humour if we’re going out, girls” … Christine (Godlewski) … because going out with a sense of style and good taste is not going to happen.

“That’s like a roadblock” … Carissa (Gaghan) on the blocking truck … in a traditional sense, yes, but I wouldn’t try asking the nice guys moving the Pepsi fridge for your next clue.

“I look like a walking department store” … Sharon (Godlewski) … c’mon, it’s not like that at all. You’re more like a walking laundry hamper.

“Did you know it was illegal in Panama to wear underpants on top of underpants on top of your pants?” … Phil … maybe not, but after seeing the sisters, it really should be.

“All of us have wits and charm and beauty and all of those positive characteristics” … Christine (Godlewski) … with modesty and a good sense of direction not quite making the positive list.

“We’re just hoping they’ll be wonderful and we’ll do what we need to do to get through the next leg of the race” … Christine (Godlewski) … don’t say it too loud. You’ll be giving the Linz brothers ideas.


Just what kind of scientists lie around in a hammock all day? I don’t recall too many Nobels being handed out for inner eyelid research.

Do the Paolos give their mother the clue just so they can snatch it away from her?

Any way you slice it, Louis B. Armstrong is a cool name for an airport. Sorry, Mr. Dulles.

It’s the first time in recent memory I’ve seen so many people happy to be leaving the U.S to get to Panama.

Apparently all Panamanian boats aren’t created equal in speed. Is this due to smaller engines or bigger cameramen?

I’ve seen people psyche themselves up for bungee jumping in a variety of ways, but I’ve never seen a running head butt into a truck. Whatever works for you, Mrs. Gaghan.

Note to the Producers: next bird watching challenge, you might want to include binocular instructions for the Weavers.

For a band leader, he doesn’t lead his band too much. It looked like all he was doing was handing out the bill for the instruments.
If all you need to do is get on base, you might want to test the rules a bit and lean into a pitch. At worst, you could charge the mound and scare the crap out the pitcher.
If all you need to do is get on base, you might want to test the rules a bit and lean into a pitch. At worst, you could charge the mound and scare the crap out the pitcher. See if he pitches you inside after that.

Let’s be honest … were those base hits or unforced errors? A ball rolling between the pitcher’s legs … the manager should have yanked him out right then and there

If this is what a championship baseball team looks like, it might be time for them to look into other sports.

So far in the race, the Gaghan kids have been to a casino and now a jazz club. Add in a strip club and a restricted movie, and their summer’s complete.

I have to admire Christine Godlewski’s black veil. One garment and she’s ready for both the mosquito detour and the funeral roadblock.

It’s probably a good thing the Gaghans didn’t bungee jump. Even with their combined weight, I’m not sure how much snap back the kids would get. It’s not really bungee jumping if you just fall.

DJ should have a new found respect for his mother. The lesson here is that a girl who gives birth twice, won’t be scared of something as easy as bungee jumping. Labour vs. falling … c’mon.