Amazing Race Rants

Amazing Race Rant - Episode Four

“This is the Space and Rocket Center in Huntsville, Alabama, one of NASA’s most prestigious research facilities” … Phil … it’s where NASA does most of its best work on non-human subjects, like rats, monkeys, and reality show contestants.

“Will the Weavers’ behaviour further distance them from the other families?” … Phil … or will the restraining order do that for them?

“Once there, they must search for this unusual site, the world’s largest office chair.” … Phil … just look for the large crowd of people shaking their heads.
Proving that the early 80s was a time of ambitious ideas and crazy dreams. Iím thinking the chair falls into column B.
“This roadside attraction was built nearly 24 years ago” … Phil … proving that the early 80s was a time of ambitious ideas and crazy dreams. I’m thinking the chair falls into column B.

“I say the word Alabama, I think ugly” … Lindsay (Bransen) … and now when the people of Alabama say Bransen, they’ll get to think of a few words as well.

“I’m used to coming in 1st in everything I do. I want to be 1st all the time” … Stassi (Schroeder) … well, at least she’s keeping her goals modest and realistic. Otherwise her next first might be 1st in line to see her therapist.

“I think we’re kind of the underdogs right now” … Stassi (Schroeder) … definitely, as long as you don’t count the crazy team, the arguing team, or the team with two young kids.

“Dear father. Let us have a safe trip today, please be with us and hopefully we can catch up to the other teams if it is your will. Amen” … Rachel (Weaver) … so feel free to start smiting our enemies if you feel like it.

“We don’t like the Weavers too much. / They’re the white trash family” … Hunter / Stassi (Schroeder) … whereas the Schroeders come from a completely different trash pile altogether.

“We felt so bad that the lost their dad until we found out they were evil” … Char (Schroeder) … The Weaver family … evil archenemies of the Schroeders and geography teachers everywhere. But it’s not like they wanted to throw handicapped children into traffic … now that would really be evil.

“What about peace, love, and harmony. Ha ha ha” … Mark (Schroeder) … one of Mark’s hopes during the Race is to grow a moustache so long he can twirl it.

“DJ and my Mom fight so much because they are the exact same person” … Brian (Paolo) … and it appears that there is room for only one of them on this planet.

“It might not seem like they love each other but they do” … Brian on DJ and Marion (Paolo) … it’s obvious they do. You just need to ignore their words and their actions, and it’s as clear as day.

“I can’t fathom what this race looks like through the perspective of a 9 year old girl’s mind or a 12 year old boy’s mind” … Bill (Gaghan) … just imagine what the back seat of an SUV looks like for hours on end, and you’ll get a pretty good idea.

“I’m smart and I’m funny and I can keep the team going for a long time” … Carissa (Gaghan) … barring naps and post-bedtime hours. Then they’re on their own.

“Ow. And you just gave me a paper cut!” … Brian to Marion (Paolo) … and so begins another day with the Paolos. Brian will just have to be a man and tough out this injury … it’s not like it’s a hangnail or anything.

“Look at the big ass chair, dude” … Tommy (Linz) … maybe not the tourism slogan Aniston was hoping for, but if you’re going to build something like the biggest office chair, maybe “big ass chair, dude” is about as high brow as you’re going to get.

“I’m going to go home and build one just a hair bigger than that one” … Nick (Linz) … and in one brief TV moment, property values around the Linz family home plummet.

“So you can be the biggest dork in the world” … Alex (Linz) … well, somebody has to challenge brother Tommy for the title.

“What a lame-o office chair” … Mark (Schroeder) … apparently ergonomics and lumbar support meant nothing to the designers of the world’s biggest office chair.

“They must choose one of these multi-person vehicles known as a party bike” … Phil … it being the quickest way to both start and stop a party dead in its tracks.

“Once they complete the 2.6 mile bike ride, a race official will give them their next clue” … Phil …their dignity, however, is something nobody can ever give them back.

“This is probably like a half-time show at these places” … Lindsay (Bransen) … no doubt followed by the pelting of the Yankees with beer cans finale.

“I really don’t want to go there” … Rebecca (Weaver) on Talladega … it’s a challenge, but it just wouldn’t be the same race if the clues had the fine print *only go there if you want to, otherwise just skip it.

“Shut up. I’m tired of you guys telling me what to do. / You’ve been a baby the whole ride” … Marion / Brian (Paolo) … maybe, but I didn’t hear her whining over a paper cut, Brian.

“This is the coolest thing I’ve ever seen, dude.” … Alex (Linz) on the party bike … and that’s just really sad, but given how their trip highlights include a big shoe and big chair, the party bike does seem kinda special in comparison.

“Can you imagine how pissed the Florida team is going to be when they get here?” … Mark (Schroeder) … probably just as pissed as you would be if they beat you to the finish line in your own home town.

“That’s it, Rebecca. We’ll run in as fast as we can and get the heck out of there” … Linda (Weaver) … shouldn’t that be the strategy for every clue? Try to limit the amount of time hanging around, looking in the gift shop, etc.

“Dad. You’re a pain in my ass” … Stassi (Schroeder) … well, the bike seat was a pain in his ass, so he’s just passing the buck a little.

“One minute makes the biggest difference. Why can’t you understand that?” … Stassi (Schroeder) … for example, a minute without Stassi whining can make a big difference to everyone’s sanity.

“Man. Can you imagine driving a race car?” … Tony (Paolo) … if you can, you might just want to hold onto that thought a while longer.
A little early in life to be having supermodel thoughts, but it still beats hearing about Mark Schroederís ass.
“I wish my legs were longer” … Carissa (Gaghan) … a little early in life to be having supermodel thoughts, but it still beats hearing about Mark Schroeder’s ass.

“Oh, now my legs are sore. / My legs aren’t so sore” … Tammy / Carissa (Gaghan) … more wise comments like that, and I can imagine that another part of Carissa might be sore soon.

“Do you want to get a phone book or something? / Nah. It wouldn’t be that easy” … Char / Mark (Schroeder) on finding the Southern Colonel … phonebooks are for amateurs. Let’s begin the midnight door-to-door search.

“Nice full moon tonight, huh?” … Alex (Linz) to the Bransens … not the best opening line, but after their afternoon mooning fest, I guess there isn’t much more ice left to be broken anymore.

“Please shut up. You are upsetting me so much” … Stassi to Mark (Schroeder) … if she’s upset now, I don’t think a night in a trailer park is going to cheer her up much.

“I don’t like these trailers. They’re evil” … Carissa … an evil trailer home? Just what kind of 3rd rate demon or ghost would get stuck haunting a trailer home? Talk about being low in the spiritual pecking order.

“Teams must find this BP gas station and search for a man named Les” … Phil … unless those snack stores have gotten bigger, this shouldn’t be too hard. Put two Racers on the chip aisle, one in with the candies, and have the fourth circle around the soft drinks. Les will have nowhere to run.

“Should I send them a farewell moonshot?” … Wally (Bransen) … if ever there was a time to pray for an eclipse, it’s now. Seeing Wally’s ass would be justification enough for the Linzes to drive into a ditch.

“They turned off? Well, maybe they went to pick up something” … Michelle (Godlewski) … a Coke, some chips, a magazine, and a clue. Just the usual stuff.

“One second makes the biggest difference” … Stassi (Schroeder) … glad to see a good night’s sleep has left Stassi refreshed, energetic, and even more time paranoid. Somebody please take her watch away.

“Where’s my lucky pen? Where’s my lucky pen? Where’s my lucky pen. Lucky pen” … Carissa (Gaghan) on the lost pen … I hope this isn’t a demo of Carissa’s motivating skills because it’s very rare that singing about something your Dad’s looking for helps with anything aside from raising his blood pressure.

“Stassi. You’re being nasty and it’s ugly. / You’re looking ugly too right, now” … Mark / Stassi (Schroeder) … they’ve been taking family bonding lessons from the Paolos, it would seem.

“Just tell me a direction” … Sharon (Godlewski) … since you’re heading towards Louisiana, I’m guessing South might be a good call.

“Hey, I need a little validation because I did right there” … Christine (Godlewski) … and the fact that you have to ask for validation kinda shows how much the team is impressed with it.

“It’s 21. It’s blackjack. / You know guys, I really think that’s the best bet” … Nick / Megan (Linz) … hopefully Megan is as clever at cards as she’s is at puns.

“Twelve-inch diameter. Can’t be that big, girls” … Sharon (Godlewski) … if she’s learned inch measurement based on conversations with her boyfriends, then she’s about to be unpleasantly surprised.

“I wanna get my backpack” … a crying Christine (Godlewski) … Sounds like she’s getting fussy. Maybe she could borrow a doll and blankie from Carissa Gaghan, too.

“Sometimes crying for me is a release” … Christine (Godlewski) … and an extra load for others.

“Thanks for making me cry you guys. I hope you feel better” … Christine (Godlewski) … if by better you mean more angry and annoyed, then yes, we feel better.

“I don’t want to be crying at the mat, you guys. Can you let me pull myself together?” … Christine (Godlewski) … after all there might be cameras at the mat, photographing everything. She wouldn’t want to appear on national TV crying, would she?
Iím guessing hitting his sister in the head with a saw handle pretty much made Billyís summer.
“Okay. That wasn’t good” … Carissa on being hit with a saw … speak for yourself. I’m guessing hitting his sister in the head with a saw handle pretty much made Billy’s summer.

“I think play might be easier, honey” … Mark (Schroeder) … it’s just the paddling across the lake during a rain storm that might be a bit of a pisser.

“It’s one of the five Great Lakes” … Linda (Weaver) on Lake Ponchartrain … it certainly might be, just not in United States is all.

“This kinda isn’t fair ‘cause we know our way around” … Stassi (Schroeder) … luckily, you gave all the other teams that huge headstart.

“Crazy women coming through” … Sharon (Godlewski) … if the residents only knew what we know, they’d be diving behind the tables.

“We feel awful being the fourth team off” … Mark (Schroeder) … well I’m sure that the first through third teams off aren’t feeling all that merry, either.

“I feel awful that Stassi was crying. I feel responsible for it” … Mark (Schroeder) … well, you and those evil Weavers. They’re responsible for everything.

“I blame myself for every little mistake” … Mark (Schroeder) … even for the handful that weren’t my fault.

“I glad to see we can deal with hardships when they may arise” … Mark (Schroeder) … and after what Katrina did to New Orleans, getting eliminated from the Race is not really much of a hardship after all.


 

Observations

Has having the world’s biggest office chair helped Aniston become the town it is today … and is that a good thing?

After watching the episode, do you suppose Jennifer Aniston can now say her name is spelled like that town in Alabama with the big chair?
I think it was wrong of Wally to hum the theme to Deliverance when talking about Alabama. Deliverance took place in Georgia Ö any Alabamian and his spouse/cousin could tell you that.
I think it was wrong of Wally to hum the theme to Deliverance when talking about Alabama. Deliverance took place in Georgia … any Alabamian and his spouse/cousin could tell you that.

The Schroeder family as underdogs? Stassi has to learn there is a difference between people not expecting you to win and people not wanting you win. Both are underdogs, but they’re not quite the same.

Note to the Paolos … if your mom keeps losing the clues, why do you keep handing them to her?

I know Aniston isn’t fast-paced, but surely there has to be a better job available to somebody than standing on the big chair waiting for people to climb up. How do you even apply for a job like that, let alone record it on your resume?

I guess it wouldn’t be an Amazing Race family edition episode if it didn’t involve driving somewhere to see some big thing.

Should the Gaghan family be a little less happy or a little more concerned at Carissa’s ladder climbing ability? Just what kind of slides has she been practicing that are over 30ft high?

Will insurance companies have to start offering auto coverage to drivers in case they see a Bransen moon along the highway?

The race visits Alabama and they go to Space Camp and a race track. The race visits Mississippi and they go to a trailer park. Just who did the Mississippi tourist board not pay off for that one?

I agree with Mark Schroeder that the right seat height is crucial to good biking. Of course, most people might realize that before finishing the first mile on a track.

Thanks to the Weavers, Talladega has become the world’s biggest speedway and therapy couch.

Was Wally way too happy about his daughter mooning the other car? I mean, just what is she doing when Wally’s not in the car?

The Paolos successfully complete the party bike and a fierce thunderstorm develops right after … is this a sign of the apocalypse or did God just lose a bet?

If that thunderstorm had been a few minutes earlier, we may have gotten to see the world’s angriest lightening rod.

Congrats to the Godlewski sisters … bursting in and asking for directions from a bunch of lonely guys sitting around the computer room after midnight … you probably made their century. Certainly the Internet was humming with chatter that night.

Kudos to Mark Schroeder … even though he was forced to use the phone book, he at least decided to rip the page out just to show it who’s boss.
Luckily, the Travelocity gnome didnít show up. He would probably get in a drunken brawl with that little colonelís statue.
Luckily, the Travelocity gnome didn’t show up. He would probably get in a drunken brawl with that little colonel’s statue.

The period costumes looked great but I can’t quite place which period included dresses, life jackets, and running shoes.

Mississippi sure has pretty loose gambling laws if it’s letting minors run all over its casinos.

I’m surprised more teams didn’t choose the casino option for the free drinks alone. Beats sawing a log.

Carissa is going to have a great time back in school, telling everyone how over the summer she learned about the Civil War, the Space Program, and to never hit on 16.

Is anyone else curious just what’s so special about Christine Godlewski’s backpack?

I’m sure that Phil and Mr. Bransen are okay with it, but Tony Paolo really should try hugging a girl at some point. They’re nice, too.

After this episode, it seems Alabama is a great place to become an astronaut, a race car driver, or a 30-foot-tall guy looking for a place to sit down.