Amazing Race Rants

Amazing Race Rant - Episode Three


“This is Welbourne Manor … once owned by a Colonel in the Confederate army” … Phil … helps to explain the backyard that comes complete with deck, sunken pool, and six army regiments.

“Can the Bransen family overcome Wally’s lack of physical endurance to move up in the pack?” … Phil … might be wise to bring one of those Civil War stretchers along just to be safe.

“And will Linda Weaver maintain her newfound leadership over her kids to keep them on top?” … Phil … it’s a little easier to control teenagers when there’s no curfew, they get to drive the car, and options for being grounded are severely limited.

“We’re not in it for any drama” … Rebecca (Weaver) … it just seems to want to tag along for fun.
Gee, the brothers get to continually tease, frustrate, and ignore their sister. I’m thinking winning the million would just be gravy to these guys.
“I definitely get frustrated when my brothers aren’t listening to me because I’m a girl traveling with these macho guys” … Megan (Linz) … gee, the brothers get to continually tease, frustrate, and ignore their sister.  I’m thinking winning the million would just be gravy to these guys.

“I’m going to have to finally say, guys, shut up and listen for once” … Megan (Linz) … sadly, the first thing they have to listen to is her mispronouncing Dulles airport.  The struggle for credibility goes on.

“Driver, are you familiar with the Dulles airport.  /  First of all, what is the driver’s name?” … Sharon / Michele (Godlewski) … and even before that, how much are you paying me, because putting up with sister squabbles for 50 miles ain’t gonna come cheap.

“I’ll just take the lead and run with it” … Sharon (Godlewski) … one perk of leading the Godlewski sisters is that it is a lot quieter than being in the pack.

“I’m their friend and I’m happy they think of me that way instead of the ‘oooh, stepmom’ and all the negative connotations that typically comes along with that” … Char (Schroeder) … yeah, but just wait till they try to go to the royal ball without doing their chores.  That’s the true test of stepmom friendship.

“It’s all historical (Charleston).  I don’t know my history” … Hunter … for instance, those blue and grey guys I saw fighting yesterday.  Was that some sort of gang war over turf?

“We’ve been doing very well in the first couple of legs but I think we’ve been a little too business.  Let’s be a little lighter and have fun with this” … Matt (Aiello) …luckily, they didn’t try that last leg.  Having light and happy stretcher medics might not have gone over to well with the soldiers.

“Deep breath.  In and out.  You can do this” … Billy (Gaghan) … he’s either psyching himself up for the next leg or he really wants to get that ripping of the envelope just right.  Either way, he’s going to make a hell of a Lamaze coach down the road.

“Bill and I have tried to raise our kids more like little adults on this race and not children who are going to hold us back” … Tammy (Gaghan) … very mature but it will probably only last until the little adults drive off with the van for a midnight run to Starbucks.

“If anyone says children don’t belong on the Amazing Race, they need to check out these kids.  They are doing a top-notch job” … Bill (Gaghan) … another couple of legs, the kids will be wondering why the parents came along in the first place.

“I hate wide loads.  /  Wide loads are the worst” … Tommy / Nick (Linz) … the 2nd worst being a slap across the face, of course.

“This is an amazing country.  I want my kids to see what it is” … Tony (Paolo) … visuals of American landmarks with a soundtrack of Paolos arguing.  Not exactly the seeds of good roadtrip memories.

“It’s the Amazing Race – American style” … Marion (Paolo) … kinda makes you long for the original style, doesn’t it.

“We just did a little off-roading right there” … Rachel (Weaver) … but just to be different, let’s try to keep it to on-roading the rest of the way.  There are no points handed out for getting to the airport with some style.

“It’s a good time to familiarize ourselves with the airport and find out anything” … Linda (Weaver) … wandering around a big airport at 4 a.m.?  Not exactly great territory for the family field trip.

“I haven’t done a lot of flying and I’m not really familiar with how it works” … Linda (Weaver) … you get on, strap yourself in, and pray that lift once again beats gravity.  That’s flying in a nutshell, Mrs. Weaver.

“I asked them if they found a better flight and they just looked at us.  They didn’t even say anything, they just looked at us” … Kevin (Aiello) … how dare they not tell us what they know?  It’s like they want us to lose or something.
You know, I never thought a simple “screw you” would be more polite than saying nothing, but there you go.
“If somebody asks you a question, do something.  Don’t look at me like I’m speaking a foreign language” … Kevin (Aiello) … you know, I never thought a simple “screw you” would be more polite than saying nothing, but there you go.

“They’re silent but deadly.  They’re SBD” … Stassi (Schroeder) … more likely CBL … clueless but lucky.

“This flight arrives at 10:38.  Thirty minutes later.  No big deal” … Linda (Weaver) to Marion (Paolo) … funny how when you’re on the first flight, nothing is really a big deal.

“Hunter, get away from the kid” … Char (Schroeder) … you don’t know where he’s been.  Okay … so you do … but that’s still no reason to socialize with kids your own age.

“What y’all talking about?  / Stuff” … Char / Hunter (Schroeder) … ask a silly question.  It’s cool for Hunter to talk about girls, or not liking his stepmom, but damn it if he starts talking strategy, he’s riding in the trunk.

“We’re going to start keeping our strategy between Stassi, Mark, and myself” … Char (Schroeder) … yeah, you don’t want that whole “When we get off the plane, run really fast” tactic to get out.

“She’s a bitch” … Hunter (Schroeder) … seems like there are still some friendship issues to be worked out.

“What are you guys doin’ here (bookstore)” … DJ (Paolo) to his parents … most likely picking up a few maps and a parent self-help book or two.  Maybe some earplugs.

“My family apparently has many mood swings” … Brian (Paolo) … I haven’t seen them swing beyond angry or asleep yet.

“I told my mother that if she wasn’t my mother, she’d be my worst enemy” … DJ (Paolo) … and if you weren’t her son, that whole free room and board deal would be probably fall through pretty quick

“We got team Fruit Loop in front of us.  I’m not a big fan of her” … Kevin (Aiello) … we save the good nicknames for teams we like.  Take team Cheerios for example … always happy and ready to lend a hand.

“Teams must choose between two tasks common in South Carolina” … Phil … Drawl speaking and Yankee bashing.

“The choice is Forrest Gump or Muddy Waters” … Phil … and if CBS isn’t careful, they’ll be choosing between “Royalty paying” or “Lawsuit pending”.

“Teams could get stuck in the mud, but if they have monster driving skills, they could finish fast” … Phil … I must have been sick that day in Drivers Ed when they had the lesson on monster driving.

“I don’t know.  I’m afraid we’ll get bogged down in the mud” … Char (Schroeder) … Char unraveling the hidden meaning behind “mud bog”.

“Today we said we’re going to have fun, and mud boggin’, that’s going to be sick.” … Matt (Aiello) … or more likely, it will just make us feel that way.

“Aww.  Shrimp juice in my socks.  What’s with that?” … Char (Schroeder) … c’mon Char.  The shrimp just lost its head.  Who’s getting the short end of the stick here?

“She could be right.  / What a shock!  I could be right” … Nick / Megan (Linz) … Megan moves up a level from totally ignored to skeptically listened to.  Hey, it’s progress.

“That would be fun to play in” … Carissa (Gaghan) on the mud bog … leaving her mom to face the dreadful laundry roadblock.

“We were goin’ great guns though” … Kevin (Aiello) … a positive approach to the situation.  A very “the mud bog is half full” kind of philosophy.

“This is definitely a lot more fun than shrimp” … Matt (Aiello) … but not as much fun as say … avoiding being in last place.

“Let me demonstrate what you’re doing.  /  Let me demonstrate how to shut up” … Stassi / Hunter (Schroeder) … sounds like a good deal to me, Stassi.  Any more fighting and the shrimp will be begging to lose their heads.

“That was just not right” … Megan (Linz) on Tommy kissing a shrimp … actually, saying “that was just wrong” would be a lot closer.  There are some lines man wasn’t meant to cross with a shrimp, and Tommy has found one.

“I think we’ve found our calling, guys” … Lauren (Bransen) … and it sounds a lot like shrimps’ swearing.

“They’re city people” … Rebecca (Weaver) on the Gaghans in the mud … well, the country folk advantage doesn’t seem to be kicking in too well so far, does it?

“Let’s go 120 miles and hour so we just go on top of the mud” … Carrisa (Gaghan) … I admire her out-of-the-box thinking.   I just wish the new box she landed in didn’t involve a Roadrunner cartoon.

“We can behead stupid shrimp and I don’t care if it takes us till 6 o’clock at night” … Linda (Weaver) … hell, if it takes that long, at least you can make a family dinner out of the task.

“I don’t want to stink.  / Who cares? / It’s 90 degrees.  You know what it’s going to smell like” … Marion / Tony / Marion (Paolo) … shrimp mixed with a generous cup of Paolo anger.  They’ll never let that boat dock again.

“Hey, my heart’s hurting, guys.  /  Your heart?  Why your heart?” … Megan / Alex (Linz) … excessive beating coupled with high blood pressure is my guess.  Stupid questions probably aren’t helping much, either.

“We beat Florida team.  That’s the important thing” … Kevin (Aiello) … they’ll have just enough time to run out and get some “We’re # 7” T-shirts to commemorate this incredible victory.

“Teams are being taken to Huntsville, Alabama … the rocket capital of the world” … Phil … you know there has to be a copyright clerk in Houston right now going “Crap.  Why didn’t we think of that?”

“When they arrive, teams will have to find the Edward O. Buckbee hangar” … Phil … and then spend the rest of their time trying to figure who that is.

“If you haven’t noticed, gravity is currently pushing on me” … Phil … and if you haven’t, maybe this is the time to make that new TV purchase you’ve been putting off for so long.

“Oh, my God.  I’ve been here.  This is Space Camp” … Megan (Linz) … but I’m sure they’ve forgotten that whole “banned for life” nonsense by now.

“Don’t puke” … Tommy (Linz) to the Godlewskis in the centrifuge … probably the only thing worse about puking in the centrifuge is following that person.  Have fun, Tommy.

“Are you doing all right?  /  I’m not used to all this pressure” … Elizabeth / Lindsay (Bransen) … and this whole centrifuge thing isn’t helping matters, either.

“A hangar is an airplane.” … Tricia (Godlewski) … not the quickest means of transportation, but man can they seat a lot of people.
I admire Tommy’s passion to test the effects 3 Gs would have on methane gas, but maybe this isn’t the right time.
“Dude.  I got to fart. / Dude, not necessary” … Tommy  / Alex (Linz) … I admire Tommy’s passion to test the effects  3 Gs would have on methane gas, but maybe this isn’t the right time.

“My arm is very heavy.  Very heavy” … Mark (Schroeder) … sadly, not heavy enough for a good slap in the head. 

“I have some very good news for you.  All licensed drivers are going to win free gasoline for life” … Phil to Bransens … and for the unlicensed drivers … well, you’ll probably find a way to steal gas anyway, so have fun.

“I don’t know where we are going.  I am a prisoner on a bus” … Linda (Weaver) … I’m sure you’ll be able to break out soon.  And you won’t need all those body tattoos like the guy on Prison Break, either.

“We just chose to make a game of it” … Linda (Weaver) … and the game is apparently called “Freak Out.”

“The Weaver family just lost it” … DJ (Paolo) … a Waffle House around midnight?  Losing it just kind of goes with the territory.  It’s on their menu.

“We’ve been through a lot more in the last year and a half than a bad bus ride” … Rebecca (Weaver) … and the bus ride isn’t all that bad.  Well, maybe for the other teams it is.

“Dear Lord.  Please give us wisdom” … Linda (Weaver) … and barring that, a download from Mapquest would be good, too.

“Now, I understand that you weren’t very happy.  / Now, we’re happy.” … Phil / Linda (Weaver) … wow, their comment cards are going to be all over the map. 

“This is us.  If you like us, great.  If you don’t like us, tough.  We’re not going to change for you” … Linda (Weaver) … however, if you put us on another mystery bus ride, I’m sure we can come up with an additional personality or two.

“Keep searching for the big rocket guys.  Eventually it’s going to jump right at us” … Bill (Gaghan) … I hope for Bill’s sake that these are little adults, because the idea of a big rocket jumping out would scare the crap of me as a kid.

“The team behind us is strong and they’re going to be sprinting” … Bill (Gaghan) … that’s the Aiellos you’re talking about, right?  Unless Tony’s riding piggyback, I’m leaning towards the kids in that sprint challenge.

“Don’t hug him (Phil).  He’s full of shrimp” … Marion (Paolo) … lucky for Phil, the muddy Aiellos won’t likely be a hugging mood.

“We took every hard challenge there was to take.  We took no easy road” … Tony (Aiello) … but did you have to take the muddy one?



Poor John Foster Dulles. You get to be Secretary of State and get an airport named for you, and people still end up calling you dull.
Poor John Foster Dulles.  You get to be Secretary of State and get an airport named for you, and people still end up calling you dull.

Does backing up on a highway equate to a detour, a roadblock, or a jail term?

Way to go Kevin.  Nothing earns a father-in-law’s love more than soaking him in mud … over and over and over again.

After watching this episode, the South Carolina legislature is strongly considering an outright ban on French kissing with a shrimp.

Why did it take 13 failed attempts before the Aiellos came up with the idea to switch drivers?  Sounds like a good idea around failure #4 or 5.

So Megan’s the only one in the family to have gone to Space Camp, but she doesn’t get to ride the centrifuge?  Where’s the justice?

With all the potential puking and farting, I’m not envying the guy who has to hose down the centrifuge afterwards.

What was with the Linz family having their own Star Trek fight music during their centrifuge run?  It was cool but without the aliens and ripped uniforms, it just lost something.

It probably took more power to run Phil’s laptop video clip than it did to run anything else in the museum.  Such is the power of reality TV.

Winning free gas for life.  That’ll probably equal the million dollar prize in about 6 months or so.

Too bad the Weavers were complaining on the bus about their lack of sleep.  They could have been doing something constructive … like sleeping, for instance.

How upset would you feel if after a long bus ride, there might be a chance that your mystery destination is actually a Waffle House?

Space camp sounds cool and all but all those environment suit raids on the Girls living modules don’t quite compare to traditional camp.

With a few twists in politics and history, mankind might have heard the immortal words … “Huntsville, we have a problem.”

Was it really wise to go on a centrifuge and experience 3 Gs with the operator who’s working the graveyard shift?  Yawn … I’m just going for a coffee … just yell if anything flies off you, okay?