Amazing Race Rants

Amazing Race Rant - Episode Two


“This is Lancaster, Pennsylvania. A picturesque farming area that is the center of America’s Amish and Mennonite communities” … Phil … not to mention home of the greatest collection of miniature waterwheels anywhere in North America.

“Will the constant bickering of the Paolo family affect their performance in the race?” … Phil … or simply raise the stress and annoyance levels of the TV audience?

“I think in the beginning, teams just saw us as a family dragging the kids along on a family vacation, but the fact that we’ve come in 2nd, they see us as a threat now” … Tammy (Gaghan) … hell, Carissa has already shown she’s fast and good with a hammer. That’s threat enough for me.
Well, with this kind of start to the road trip, I’m guessing the family sing-a-long isn’t happening anytime soon.
“At the start of the race, we went in thinking we know everything” … Stassi (Schroeder) … except apparently how to get to get to Soho.

“Kids … Dad and I need to focus. / Now we’re in race mode. We’re not in stupid mode” … Tammy / Bill (Gaghan) … but stupid mode is much more entertaining. For more on that let’s check in with the Linz and Paolo families.

“I want them to listen. I want them to be respectful. Because if I keep persisting on something, I have a good reason for it” … Marion (Paolo) on her sons … even if that good reason is just to drive them crazy a bit.

“Our Dad is not the most optimistic person. We’re all well aware of that. Just all the more fun to prove him wrong” … Elizabeth (Bransen) … and having the girls win and keeping all the money themselves would be a pretty effective “I told you so.”

“It’s not that coming second to last is the best we can do, but we’re not going to beat ourselves up over it” … Megan (Linz) … since the other teams seem to be doing a great job of beating us up already.

“Where’s Washington, DC? What state is it in? / Washington?” … Rebecca / Rachel (Weaver) … apparently one of the treasures handed down from mother to daughter in the Weaver family is a rather unique perspective of American geography.

“Don’t you want three backseat drivers?” … Michelle to Christine (Godlewski) … it wouldn’t be so bad if they all pointed in the same direction from time to time.

“You’re responsible for finding 83 South” … Denny to Brock (Rogers) … while Denny will be responsible for blaming others for their unplanned cross-country adventure

“DC is like home to me. The reflecting pool is actually between the Washington monument and the Lincoln memorial” … David (Aiello) … so either there’s a misprint on the clue, or home just ain’t what it used to be.

“No stops. If you got to pee, you pee in a cup. / Eeew” … Alex / Megan (Linz) … and so the “one eye on the road and the other on the cup holders” strategy begins.

“Excuse me! Excuse me! We have passed the 83 South” … Denny (Rogers) … now that’s pretty impressive driving Brock, since the only way that could happen going east is by circumnavigating the globe.

“Did we go in the wrong direction? / Well, I’m reading the map” … Brock / Denny (Rogers) … and who’s going to be the first one in the car with the guts to point out to Denny that that’s not really an answer? Maybe a laughing gas station attendant will brave it.

“Not seeing it and not passing it is two different things” … Denny (Rogers) … much like traveling west and traveling east are two different things.

“We took our eye off the ball” … Denny (Rogers) … and if only it had landed on a map, a compass, or the Atlantic ocean on the horizon.

“We said 83 South to the driver and we passed up the exit” … Denny (Rogers) … demoted from son to driver. Brock better watch it or he’s going to get fired, and don’t expect a reference letter.
I’m sure the family would agree that you’ve probably already done enough for the day, Denny.
“I said east on 30 and apparently I was wrong. One person can only do so much” … Denny (Rogers) … I’m sure the family would agree that you’ve probably already done enough for the day, Denny.

“Hey wait a minute. What’s that? Oh, that’s just a no smoking sign. Never mind” … Billy (Gaghan) … and with that sudden subliminal hatred of no smoking signs, a new generation of smoker is born.

“I don’t want to help out anyone else right now” … Mark (Schroeder) … maybe he can build them a nice tent later. At least he stopped short of pushing the Gaghan kids into the pool?

“Just keep in mind we’re in a really big car. / But it’s also got a really big tank” … Marion / DJ (Paolo) … and if you drive on “E” much longer, you’ll get to ride in a really big tow truck.

“I love you, my brother” … DJ (Paolo) to the spy … racial harmony finally achieved thanks to the power of espionage and reality TV.

“I’ll do it … ‘cause it might be hard” … Mark (Schroeder) … way to motivate the team members, Mark. Their cheers will be deafening, I’m sure.

“There’s the Pentagon. / Well, it’s looking good again” … Tony / Marion (Paolo) … yeah those Extreme Makeover guys did a tremendous job with it.

“The sky is blue. You sure the sky’s not blue? I think her panties are too tight” … Mark (Schroeder) … well, I can see Mark’s “Macho Idiot” spy disguise is working perfectly. He’s going to mention panties to the wrong spy one day and poof, instant briefcase head.

“Make a wish. Make a wish for the clue” … Bill / Tammy (Gaghan) … might work better if you tossed the coin into that other reflecting pool across town.

“Wait up for Dad, guys … Or don’t” … Elizabeth (Bransen) … well, Wally has been sweating up a storm doing laps of the pool. I can’t blame the girls for needing a bit of a buffer zone.

“Hey Pops. The sky is blue” … Mark (Schroeder) … Pops now wishing that somehow his briefcase had a self-destruct button with it. Scratch one smart-ass spy.

“You two look dashing together” … Mark (Schroeder) to David (Aiello) and Nick (Linz) … it’s like what James Bond would wear to a BBQ.

“I guess they don’t pump gas in friggin’ Virginia” … DJ (Paolo) … most of the region relies on hot air from Washington to keep the cars going.

“The reflecting pool is near the Washington monument. You can’t miss it.” Pedestrian to Rogers family … though it would seem what you can miss is the entire meaning of the clue.

“Famous last words, ‘you can’t miss it’” … Pedestrian to Rogers family … goes together nicely with those other famous last words “You’ve been eliminated from the race.”

“Did that 2 hours ago. Turn right, go east, can’t miss it” … Denny (Rogers) … got to blame my son for my mistake, though. That was pretty sweet.

“Let’s ask people. We’re at that point. / What are we going to ask them Billy? / I don’t care. Let’s just ask” … Billy / Bill / Billy (Gaghan) … as we witness the evolution of stupid mode to race mode to, finally, … frustration mode. Dad’s still stuck in “Don’t ask for directions mode.”

“Ma, I’ve heard it 500 times already. / And you know what. You’re gonna hear it another 500 times” … DJ / Mario (Paolo) … my God, no. It’s time to pray they find a gas station very soon or that this episode has a merciful editor.

“The sky is blue. / It’s beautiful, isn’t it? / Yeah, I know” … Tammy / Non-spy / Tammy (Gaghan) … there’s no rule that says you can’t be an international spy and still make time for a little chit chat, too.

“Apparently I’ve got three people behind me and not one of them can read a map” … DJ (Paolo) … but since all three are in head-slapping range, maybe it’s better to shut up and keep driving.

“Don’t blame the three people in the back. Blame the three of you because none of you ever, ever, ever listen to me!” … Marion (Paolo) … and screaming like that isn’t going to encourage them to start anytime soon.
Maybe she took the whole “picking up five wounded soldiers” a little too literally. This is a battlefield, not happy hour at the pub.
“Five wounded soldiers. C’mon this will be fun” … Michelle (Godlewski) … sounds like she’s bringing a picnic lunch along. Maybe she took the whole “picking up five wounded soldiers” a little too literally. This is a battlefield, not happy hour at the pub.

“The guys are fighting. How do we know we’re not going to get shot” … Carissa (Gaghan) … probably ‘cause it would be pretty bad for ratings, though a great lead in for CSI. Plus the re-enactment society discovered their membership numbers dropped far less when they stopped using real bullets in battle.

“Carissa’s not doing anything. / She’s trying, honey. / Can I get Carissa’s job?” … Billy / Tammy / Billy (Gaghan) … sorry bro … the job of little sister has to be earned, not given. So why you get back to your stretcher hauling, dork, ‘cause I’ve got hats to carry.

“I always tease my son-in-laws that they stepped up a few degrees when they married my daughters” … Tony (Aiello) … but in getting Tony, too, they pretty much broke even.

“Is this pretty cool being out here with your girls? / I guess so. I’ll know when I recover” … Phil / Wally (Bransen) … I’m sure he’ll say he’s loving every minute of it, once the doctor removes his breathing tube.

“I can’t do this. / What do you mean you can’t do this? We got no choice” … Marion / Tony (Paolo) … and I thought that detours were all about choices. Hell, Phil reminds us each week.

“It’s my responsibility to take the blame if there’s blame to be cast” … Denny (Rogers) … it’s noble that he’s feels this bad and guilty for blaming Brock. Now of course, he’ll blame Brock for causing him to feel so bad and guilty.

“The one thing I always try to tell Brock is you can’t get to where you need to go in this life casting stones and blaming other people for your misfortunes” … Denny (Rogers) … and you certainly can get to the 83 South that way, either.


Pennsylvania … the land of the free and the home of the Big Friggin’ Shoe.

Does Congress needs to enact a law changing the name of the Capitol Building’s reflecting pool to be “The Other Reflecting Pool”?

I’m really impressed with the Gaghan kids. Spending 2 hours at reflecting pool and not one mad dash or whine to go swimming.
Your one chance to ride in a big limousine and you’re stuck parked, handing out briefcases. Life’s not fair sometimes.
Your one chance to ride in a big limousine and you’re stuck parked, handing out briefcases. Life’s not fair sometimes.

You’ve got spies and briefcases changing hands all over Washington DC. Am I wrong or did Homeland Security really drop the ball on this one?

Nothing says covert better than carrying a briefcase in a T-shirt and shorts.

The sky is blue … the sea is green … and the cliché is old.

Hats off to Tammy. Out of all the spies, at least she whispered the code words to her contacts. And she managed to avoid calling anybody “Pops” while doing it.

So explain how the teams can be so careful in making sure the American flag doesn’t hit the ground, but can roll wounded Army soldiers off the stretcher like they were a sack of potatoes.

How many soldiers needlessly died either waiting for the teams to drag them away or from the trauma of being dumped off a stretcher?

I’m not much up on the rules of Civil War Re-enactments but I’m pretty sure they’ve got a no T-shirt or sneaker policy written down somewhere.

After all the bickering from the Paolos, could anyone blame their wounded soldier if he made a miraculous battlefield recovery and just ran away?

It might be considered cheating by some, but I’m impressed that Wally didn’t slap a uniform on and let his daughters carry him back to the hospital. He was worse off than most of the soldiers.