Amazing Race Rants

Amazing Race Rant - Episode One (Part Two)


“They seem to know. Let’s follow them” … Mark (Schroeder) on the Godlewski sisters … yet sadly what they seem to know is how best to get lost in the most scenic way possible.

I guess theyíre willing to be open-minded about foreign customs and cultures, but respect for the Yankees is a line that just cannot be crossed.
“Hey, there’s Yankee Stadium, boys. “ … David (Aiello) … I guess they’re willing to be open-minded about foreign customs and cultures, but respect for the Yankees is a line that just cannot be crossed.

“Pennsylvania may be a state. I don’t know. I’m just totally confused” … Linda (Weaver) … I’ll admit that some of the clues are tricky, but if Pennsylvania isn’t a state, it’s been doing a pretty good job faking it for the last 200 years.

“Stick to the Lord. Do you know the Lord?” … Linda (Weaver) to map guy …yes, I do and funny thing … he’s never mentioned you.

“We’ll be spending eternity together” … Linda (Weaver) to map guy … calls into question the idea of a merciful God. And lady, make sure in the afterlife you bring your own map, ‘cause I’m keeping mine.

“You have to remember those teams have kids, too. They have to stop and go to the bathroom. Things like that” … Tony (Paolo) … with the adult method being to either roll down the window or simply explode.

“To be able to hit the shore in Jersey at the exact same spot as George Washington did … is cool” … David (Aiello) … maybe, but hitting the Jersey shore doesn’t exactly have the same dramatic ring to it as storming the beaches of Normandy, does it?

“They think we know where we’re going. Ha ha ha ha” … Christine (Godlewski) … there aren’t too many occasions when taking pride in your own ignorance is acceptable, but getting somebody else lost has to be one of them.

“I’m going to keep stroking man. / Stroke it all you want” … Matt / Kevin (Aiello) … and we have a new chart topper on the list of “Conversations you don’t want to have in front of your father-in-Law.”

“To watch that flag get folded, I felt like such an American. So patriotic.” … Tony (Aiello) … it’s almost worth the hernia I got from rowing across the damned Delaware.

“Don’t let it touch the ground, honey. It’s sacrilegious or something” … Char (Schroeder) … plus those flag folders charge extra for their “clean and fold” services.

“Oh geeze. Those kind of paddles” … Reggie (Black) … well unless Reggie spent sometime in boarding school, I’m not sure which kind of paddles he thought they’d be.

“Don’t lose the General. We keep the General. Keep the General, baby” … Reggie (Black) … General Washington might find better rowers, but for loyalty with just the right amount of hipness, Reggie is the head of the class.

“You’ve got to get further upstream. / Okay, Captain, what do you suggest” … General Washington / Reggie (Black) … first off, I’m a General not a Captain. And secondly, are you familiar with the phrase “Abandon Ship”?

“How did the little kids beat us? / We really got lost” … Elizabeth / Lauren (Bransen) … well, either the kids are better drivers or better navigators, or you just suck. Take your pick.

“I think we’ll impress the adults by doing all the things they can do” … Kenneth (Black) … nah, that will probably just annoy them. Besides, the adults in this race fight, complain, and get lost … why set your sights so low?

Equal pay amongst the genders, but keep your tents to yourselves, guys.
“Girls aren’t supposed to build tents” … Brittney (Rogers) … not exactly a poster child for women’s rights or the Girl Scouts. Equal pay amongst the genders, but keep your tents to yourselves, guys.

“Can we speed this up a little, please” … Marion (Paolo) on flag folding … okay, maybe a little inappropriate, but these flag folders have had plenty of practice. I’m sure they could whip off a double-time flag fold if they had to.

“Just so you know, both my boys were Boy Scouts when they were younger” … Marion (Paolo) to Eagle Scout …earning merit badges in both whining and backtalking.

“If we didn’t have our faith in the Lord, I don’t know where we’d be” … Linda (Weaver) … not sure, but stuck on the Jersey turnpike is a safe bet.

“Pink ladies. I love older women. Hrumph. Young lady with pigtails. Hrumph” … Tommy (Linz) … if he adds women with low standards and love of mindless grunts, he’s sure to score. Hrumph.

“You are so out of your league, dude” … Nick to Tommy (Linz) … I mean, how can they respect a man that actually believes relying on the sisters to find the next checkpoint is a good idea?

“Are there two teams with us? / There were four teams leaving at 11. I don’t know what planet you guys are on” … Marion / Brian (Paolo) … well, if it’s a planet with no Brian on it, it doesn’t sound like too bad a place to be.

“Look at that. That is so cute” … Rachel (Weaver) on the Amish … calling them cute is enough to break any Amish belief in non-violence. Of course, the slogan “Join the Amish … we’re cute” could be their greatest recruitment tool since Witness came out.

“Don’t be a hero, man” … Matt to Dave (Aiello) on buggy pulling … No worries. There are many different kinds of heroes, but a buggy pulling reality show contestant isn’t really any of them.

“I know you’re thinking ‘where the hell are we?’” … Mark (Schroeder) to Denny (Rogers) … actually, “Why the hell did I follow you?” is leading the pack right now.

“It’s all about the bi’s and the tri’s and the ladies” … Tommy (Linz) on buggy pulling … amusingly soon to be replaced by the farts and the vomit and the backaches.

“We got the brains, not the brawn” … Sharon (Godlewski) … the brains are there … they just sometimes have trouble being heard over all the screaming and chatter.

“What happened, Megan? / He farted!” … Alex / Megan (Linz) … and since there isn’t much of a market for Amish buggy air fresheners, Megan must now face the “hold your breath / light a match” detour.

“She’ll be coming ‘round the mountain when she comes!” … Billy (Gaghan) … a little annoying, but far more motivational that the Aiello chorus of “99 bottles of beer on the wall.”

“Mom, Dad. I’m wicked proud of you. I’m sorry I couldn’t contribute. / Get used to it, dork” … Billy / Carissa (Gaghan) …so much for the brother/sister teamwork, but it’s tough to fight the duty of every little sister to squash any sucking up dreams her brother may have.

“I’m going to puke. / Yeah, I felt like that 10 minutes ago. Just take deep breaths and relax. / Nah, I’m puking” … Tommy / Nick / Tommy (Linz) … you can certainly say this about Tommy; he’s not indecisive. He makes a choice and goes for it. And that whole breathing / relaxing thing smacked too much of effort.

“Aren’t silos usually silver? / The newer ones are blue” … Michelle / Christine (Godlewski) … apparently blue is a much more slimming colour for today’s younger, hipper silos. At least, that’s the word coming out of the John Deere shows in Milan and Paris.

Could anyone blame Phil if he just chose to hide behind the Mennonite guy?
“I’m just getting to know you, but is this normal? You guys talk over each other” … Phil to Godlewski sisters …. Man, you’d have to toss the net mighty wide to get normal and Godlewski sisters in the same sentence. Could anyone blame Phil if he just chose to hide behind the Mennonite guy?

“We know it’s a farm, so it’s got to be out in farm country” … Matt (Aiello) … and since we’re in rural Pennsylvania, that’s really narrowing it down a lot. I guess those big city farms never really caught on so well.

“I’m so nervous, I want to poop my pants” … Lauren (Bransen) … well, that’s something you want to hear with three people jammed in the back seat. If only they had taken a page out of the Gaghan playbook and stopped for potty breaks.

“I wish you would stop intentionally being annoying” … Brian to Marion (Paolo) … there’s only room for one of those in this car, and the position’s been filled.

“Your son doesn’t know when to shut up. So you either have a good heart-to-heart with him or things are going to change” … Marion (Paolo) … my vote would be for abandoning him at the Mennonite farm. The hard work would do him good and that beard would be the envy of his friends.

“This is currently nerve-wracking for a Boston driver” … Alex (Aiello) … apparently New York driving is no match for the terror that is Lancaster, Pennsylvania rush hour.

“We were about as down as a pregnant ant to the ground” … Marion (Paolo) … two hours in the country and she’s already got those hick similes down pat. She’ll be chomping on a piece of straw by tomorrow.

“Are the boys worthy of being in the family? / So far so good” … Phil / Tony (Aiello) … out of the race, out of the family. Man, that’s pressure. With a 6th place finish, he’s probably wondering if the Godlewski sisters need a Great Uncle Tony to join their team.

“They’ve got their little kids. We can run faster than they can” … Megan (Linz) … of course, the little kids didn’t just haul a buggy a mile and a half. And with the Linz family’s sense of direction, the kids could probably walk to the pit stop and still beat them there.

“It’s gonna be something unusual sitting on a rock. I know that” … Reggie (Black) on silos on rock road … okay, that’s not as bad as the whole Pennsylvania state/non-state debate, but it’s getting close. Sometimes the clues are just clues, people.

“Confidence is what we need to win, baby. That and God” … Kimberly (Black) … and since God is dining with the Weavers at the pit stop, you might want to crank up that confidence level a notch.

“We’re not about supporting each other. / We’re also not about listening to each other” … Nick / Megan (Linz) … Tommy better cue up one his farts pretty quick or this could get ugly.


The Aiellos can say what they want about the Yankees, but I’ll bet that any one of them could find Soho a lot quicker than the Aiellos did.

If Washington had these teams as soldiers, would everyone be enjoying tea and crumpets on the Jersey shore today?

Iím not a historian, but Iím willing to bet George Washington would be a lot smarter than to leave all those flags lying around on the British side of the river.
I’m not a historian, but I’m willing to bet George Washington would be a lot smarter than to leave all those flags lying around on the British side of the river. Plus I’m sure the British had a tougher roadblock in mind than a simple “Capture the Flag” game.

After setting sail in the boats, did any of the George Washingtons regret not being Benedict Arnolds today?

Did those Eagle Scouts look more like a troop or just a well-dressed street gang?

Win or lose, the Linz family uniforms have definitely got them a Benetton ad contract all locked up.

Did the Godlewski sisters do anything on the tent building exercise besides bringing the tent and sleeping in it?

Carissa’s hammering of everybody’s tent … a nice gesture or part of her espionage/sabotage master plan?

Say what you will about the Amish, their buggies can pick up good speed on a hill. Add a little nitrous and they’re ready for some serious street racing.

Little known fact: Buggy crashes are the number one cause of death amongst the Amish after barn-building accidents.

After crashing a buggy, will the Weavers have to pay the insurance deductible in livestock?

Will the Aiello family ever be able to hear “She’ll be coming round the mountain” again without the urge to hurt someone?

After all the buggy crashing and puking on their farm, I can see why the Amish might prefer an isolated lifestyle.

Poor Phil. Not even a peck on the cheek from either the Godlewskis or the Bransen sisters, but he gets a giant bear hug from Tony Paolo. Life’s just not fair sometimes.

Tai Kwan Do can help prepare you physically from many things but apparently freeing yourself from a muddy bog is not one of them.