Amazing Race Rants

Amazing Race Rant - Episode One (Part One)

“This is New York City. Beacon of freedom and cultural diversity for nearly 400 hundred years” … Phil … but now that the beacon is drawing in reality television contestants, it might be time to dim it down a bit.

“And from this great city, a first in the history of the Amazing Race” … Phil … I’m not sure when four years started to qualify as “history”. They must be only a couple of years shy of “legacy” and “legend” status.

“Carissa can run a 7 minute mile. I mean what adult out there can run a 7 minute mile?” … Tammy (Gaghan) … well, that would really depend on who or what is chasing them, now wouldn’t it? Of course most adults will tend to rely on driving a 30 second mile instead.

“I will run faster than all the other adults on the other teams” … Carissa (Gaghan) … but always stay a step or two behind Mom and Dad. She knows where her allowance is coming from.
Ah, a brother and sister bonding in the cause of evil deeds. Not exactly a Hallmark moment, but touching nonetheless.

“Me and my sister Carissa will work as a team spying on the other teams” … Billy (Gaghan) … ah, a brother and sister bonding in the cause of evil deeds. Not exactly a Hallmark moment, but touching nonetheless.

“We’ll pretend to fool around while we have our eyes and ears open” … Billy (Gaghan) … damn, I get paranoid when kids are too quiet. Now I have to watch out when they’re playing as well. Is there no peace?

“I may be small but I’m not stoopid.” … Carissa (Gaghan) … probably true, but since you’re not driving or navigating, it’s the big and stoopids that you’ll have to worry about.

“I can trick any adult that’s trying to trick me” … Carissa (Gaghan) … I think we’ve found the brains of the organization, not to mention the fact that if her trick backfires, she could easily be a mile away in about 7 minutes.

“It’s easy for us to get along so well because we don’t take each other too seriously. There’s always a joke being played” … Nick (Linz) … let’s hope that they take driving and navigating seriously, because jokes tend to wear a bit thin when you’re hopelessly lost.

“Sometimes they’re not going to listen to me, but I am going to be heard” … Megan (Linz) … unfortunately the medical term for that is called “sister white noise.” It afflicts many a brother with the only known cure being a dose of “mother yell and threat.”

“Real life situations have been experienced more by Nick and I” … Alex (Linz) … which apparently included a stint at the Yoda school of sentence structure.

“Tommy and Megan are still in the educational stage of maturing and learning how to deal with an electric company and paying their electric on time. Or their landlord” … Alex (Linz) … you mean there’s something beyond lesson 1: the cheque is in the mail!

“Shut up Alex. You’re living at home” … Tommy (Linz) … obviously he’s reached the educational stage of maturity that states having Mom and Dad pay the bills works pretty damn good.

“I’ve been working for the sanitation department for 21 years. I pick up 6 tons of garbage a day” … Tony (Paolo) … he’s perhaps the first reality show contestant to carry so big a load that wasn’t all ego.

“If you work hard, you get what you want” … Tony (Paolo) … very true. Of course, winning a million dollars by racing around the world isn’t a bad way to get what you want, either.

“I’m living the American dream and it’s unbelievable” … Tony (Paolo) … and it’s a good dream. Now a great dream might have a little less garbage in it, but it’s still a good dream.

“My sons see their father working hard and they also have a mother who does a lot of work. And they don’t appreciate us” … Marion (Paolo) … it’s not so much that they don’t appreciate you … it’s just that they appreciate not having to do it themselves even more.

“I’m not going to feel guilty or sorry that I have the things that I have” … DJ (Paolo) … but I’ll probably feel bitter and regretful once all those things go away.

“We’re basically going to run this race like we run our lives” … Kimberly (Black) … okay, but just how much time prior to the race were the Blacks spending driving around lost wearing matching outfits?

“You don’t have to hurt anybody to get ahead in life” … Kimberly (Black) … but don’t you just want to sometimes?

“and you don’t have to hurt anybody in this race to win” … Kimberly (Black) … you just need to crush their spirits is all.

“The other teams might underestimate us because we’re kids” … Kenneth (Black) … maybe, but I think a couple of board breaking demonstrations might put those thoughts to rest.

“I think people are going to help me because I have a good personality and it doesn’t hurt that I’m kinda cute” … Austin (Black) … finally a racer that can be called cute, without immediately tacking on manipulative, ditsy, or evil to it.

“When you have three daughters, they’re always going to be your little girls. I think probably when I’m 80 years old and they’re 50, they’re still going to be my little girls” … Wally (Bransen) … yet by that time they’ll be so sick of the “little girl” label, they’ll probably have put me in a nursing home.

“I’d say probably the majority of our sarcasm and joking is towards my Dad. He can be an easier target” … Elizabeth (Bransen) … one father, three daughters. The poor guy hasn’t stood a chance since the 80s.

“We always call him Walder instead of Walter” … Lauren (Bransen) … given that the other choice is Wally, Walder ain’t lookin too bad.

“I’m used to them calling me Wally, Walder, or Dad, whatever. They’re always loving so I don’t worry about it. It’s fine” … Wally (Bransen) … and when I misspell their names in the will, I’m sure they’ll realize that it’s all in good fun.

“There’s been a cloak of sadness that follows us. We are so scattered” … Linda (Weaver) … and a stressful race around the world is supposed to help? Disney is so much closer and easier.

“I’m going to get to spend some time with them. That usually doesn’t happen between a father and his three son-in-laws” … Tony (Aiello) … and there may be a really good reason for that. I’m guessing sex and girl talk might be a bit awkward, so that leaves an awfully long time to be talking about sports.

“I want to see how they react to pressure; how they react to stress” … Tony (Aiello) … because I’m planning on moving in with one of them, so the winner gets me as the prize.

“I’m looking forward to a chance to get to know these guys on a more intimate level / Not that intimate” … Matt / Tony (Aiello) … as we enter a territory that even a bad TV movie would not dare tread into.
Thatís was written right into the wedding vows Ö love, honour, cherish, and no cuddling your Dad.

“I won’t spoon you, don’t worry” … Matt (Aiello) … that’s was written right into the wedding vows … love, honour, cherish, and no cuddling your Dad.

“For the Schroeders, it’s us against the world. It’s we’re right and I’m sorry but you’re wrong” … Char (Schroeder) … must make asking for directions a real challenging task.

“And in a way I like his split personality with our family and with the outside world” … Stassi (Schroeder) … hell, it’s keeping his shrink in business anyway.

“I think my boisterous personality tends to intimidate people” … Mark (Schroeder) … and the fact that my entire family boxes for fun is just a little icing on the intimidation cake.

“I’m like a grizzly bear. Just because I like to eat small animals doesn’t mean I’m not cute and cuddly with my family” … Mark (Schroeder) … not very reassuring given that most of us fall into the “small animals” category.

“I love my family but small animals taste good” … Mark (Schroeder) … as a bumper sticker quote, I doubt anyone is likely to tailgate him but this guy is really in need of better analogies or, at the very least, some sort of carnivore patch.

“A lot of teams think four sisters, four women” … Christine (Godlewski) … well you never know, but I’m hoping that all the teams are okay with the four sisters = four women equation.

“I think one of our advantages will be other teams will think that we’re a bunch of pampered, prissy women” … Tricia (Godlewski) … disproving that shouldn’t be hard. The jury’s still out on them thinking we’re loud and annoying, though.

“I’m the one who’s going to be taking control. I think it’s a man thing. I think it’s a biblical thing” … Denny (Rogers) … and only time will tell if it turns out that it’s a stupid thing, too.

“I truly believe that the man is the authority of the house” … Denny (Rogers) … and God bless the woman who has convinced him of that. The truth would only hurt him.

“A lot of the other parts of the country think people from the South are slow, which means they’re dumb” … Brittney (Rogers) … it is a false stereotype, but somehow feeling the need to explain to everyone that “slow” means “dumb” isn’t doing much to shatter it.

“I think Southern hospitality and charm is often mistaken as a weakness” … Denny (Rogers) … and I’ll kick the ass of whoever thinks it is.

“And if other teams take our kindness as a weakness, they’ll be shocked” … Denny (Rogers) … kindness with attitude. Does that mean Denny will help change a tire but end up slashing the other three?

“In just a few minutes you’ll be leaving on the ultimate family adventure” … Phil … and hopefully one day returning as a family, too.

“When I give the word, you can run to your bags, read the clue, jump into one of the marked GMC XLs” … Phil … and calmly wait for the next round of product placements. Then you can leave.

“Drive over the Brooklyn bridge into Manhattan, and what you do after that is completely up to you” … Phil … popular local choices are: getting lost, honking your horn, and waiting in traffic.

“I’m coming. Man, I pulled something” … Marion (Paolo) … well, you’ll need to push it back. Quitting due to an injury at the starting line is embarrassing, but on the bright side, at least Phil wouldn’t have to walk too far.

“Get in Dad. Go go go go. In in in in in” … Billy (Gaghan) … Dad, maybe we should be cutting Billy down to only two espressos in the morning.

“Soho is a nice place. I think” … Billy (Gaghan) … nice recovery, Billy, but your parents may be getting a little suspicious of those gallery paintings you’re hiding in your closet.

“Where the hell is Soho?” … Alex (Linz) … Alex obviously overwhelmed with the adventure and excitement of experiencing new lands and cultures. Or he just doesn’t know where the hell Soho is.

“Driving in New York isn’t that bad. It’s not Cincinnati though” … Nick (Linz) … probably explains the mixed success of the NYC driving guide entitled “New York … we’re not Cincinnati.”

“Dad, now all the other cars have to wait” … Carissa (Gaghan) on the red light … normally true, but it’s funny that during the race, the “stop on red” idea becomes more of a guideline.

“Where’s Soho? / I shop there. Good shopping” … Wally / Lauren (Bransen) … that’s a probably a good warning sign that Wally better be handling the finances for this leg. We lost the race, but man, what a sale!

“Passengers buckle up” … Wally (Bransen) … Wally hoping to avoid the dreaded Traffic Court detour. Plus driving in New York, it’s a good idea to buckle up … hell, in some cases, assuming the crash position wouldn’t be out of the question.

“I just skidded across the grass on my ear. I didn’t know if my ear was still on my head when I got up” … Renee (Rogers) … a simple trick to check this out … try on your sunglasses. If they fall off, no worries … a little quick editing and poof, the Van Gogh family is born.

“You let the stupid old farts past you. / Don’t say that word” … Rolly / Linda (Weaver) … I’m not sure which word you’re going after there, Mom. Only a guess, but it doesn’t sound like a lot of spicy food makes the table at the Weaver house.

“A lot of the teams may have never left the United States before so I think we have an advantage” … Tammy (Gaghan) … it may certainly become a factor, if in fact they ever leave the United States. Knowledge of Europe only goes so far when you’re trying to find 93rd and Lexington.
And in one bold move, Kevinís been demoted down to the kiddy table at the Aiello Christmas dinner.

“We just blew that red light. / That was a bonehead maneuver” … Kevin / Matt (Aiello) … and in one bold move, Kevin’s been demoted down to the kiddy table at the Aiello Christmas dinner.

“I worry about being the one who sucks in front of my father-in-law.” … Kevin (Aiello) … well, you can quit worrying. You’ve made the list now. A couple more close calls and a night in jail, and you’ll own the list, man.

“Even though I’ve been married to his daughter for 5 years, I feel like I have a lot to prove” … Kevin (Aiello) … like I didn’t just get my driver’s license in a box of Cracker Jacks, for instance.

“Mommy-cakes is driving crazy” … Nick (Linz) … let that Mommy-cakes line drop at the wrong time, and you’ll be seeing a whole new dimension of crazy.

“Mark is very hard-core. He’s very aggressive. If someone were to overhear him, they might take that the wrong way” … Char (Schroeder) on Mark’s silicon comment … it’s not taking it the wrong way that’s the problem … it’s trying to figure out how there is a right way to take it that is the big challenge.

“Be thankful for each day that we have because we don’t know what tomorrow may hold” … Rebecca (Weaver) … a touching and noble sentiment, but coming from the driver of the vehicle, maybe something like “Don’t worry. I’ll get us there fine” might be a little more relaxing.

“I love this. I like people watching” … Lindsey (Bransen) … now if she’d only start store watching, we might actually make some progress.

“It’s our first time for New York. Isn’t it pretty? / No” … Brittney / Brock (Rogers) on New York … I guess Southern hospitality and charm got beaten out by direct and brutal honesty.

“Their minds move a little quicker than ours sometimes. Well, I know mine” … Reggie (Black) on his kids … so when they say things like “turn here Dad” or “the bus is coming straight for us”, it would be wise to listen.

“What you have to understand about our family is we fight a lot and argue a lot, but if anyone tries to get between us, they’re the ones in big trouble” … Marion (Paolo) … so don’t try to break up any fights. Just stand back and watch in stunned awe … like you were driving by an accident or something.

“Got that A/C on? / Mom, don’t worry about the air conditioning!” … Marion / Brian … between being lost and arguing, who really has time to turn on the AC?

“Move your feet! Who’s got the closer parking spot!” … Nick (Linz) to Gaghan children … being speedy is a blessing for the children now. I know I’d be running like a madman too if I had the Linz Family Pastel Squad yelling and charging after me.

“Eastern Mountain Sports. Quick girls. Go go go. No, this is the lounge” … Michelle / Tricia (Godlewski) … might not be a bad idea to go in, though. A few minutes in the lounge might calm them down a bit. Then again, the idea of seeing the Godlewski sisters drunk is downright frightening.

“The adventure of a lifetime and we’re not even out of New York City” … DJ (Paolo) … a great slogan for the city, but a crappy one for a racer. I guess the adventure of a lifetime really should entail more than just where the cross-town bus can take you.

“A New Yorker gets lost in Manhattan. What a day” … Tony (Paolo) … as the Paolo family welcomes the 5th member of their team … irony.

“Might there be a phone book by that phone right there? / There’s no phone books in New York City!” … Marion / DJ (Paolo) … everyone simply relies on 411, speed dialing, or the old fashioned “yell out the window” technique.

“Maybe back in the 60s they had that (phone books)” … DJ (Paolo) … ah, who doesn’t have those fond memories of the 60s. 1967: the summer of love, 1968: the fall of the phone book. A magical time.

“We’re so stupid. We’re retarded” … DJ (Paolo) … and for the first time, no one in the family chooses to argue the point.

“The Weavers. They scream so loud” … Lauren (Bransen) … could be, or that might be the Godlewski sisters still echoing throughout Manhattan.

“I know. They knocked over a whole like display” … Lindsey (Bransen) … they were a little disruptive and probably should have been tossed but I can’t help thinking that all the publicity Eastern Mountain Sports got and the markup on the camping supplies might have helped ease their pain a little.

“We should ask if we could follow someone. / Follow? We are not followers” … Megan / Tommy (Linz) … wanderers maybe, but never followers.

“We only have one rule. Speak … when spoken to” … Nick to Megan (Linz) … the loophole to the rule is its failure to disallow hitting and kicking as viable alternatives to communication. With silence comes great pain.

“Looks like people like to use spray paint. / Yes, spray paint is pretty popular in this city” … Carissa / Bill (Gaghan) … and it has the added bonus of keeping budding artists, building washers, and the police all gainfully employed.

“Are you allowed to use spray paint? / I think they highly discourage it” … Carissa / Bill (Gaghan) … having a cell mate named Bubba tends to do that to you.

“Too bad we don’t have any handicapped children that we could push into traffic to block traffic and help us get ahead” … Mark (Schroeder) … hell, maybe tossing out a socially handicapped dad would do in a pinch.

“Thank God your mother goes to church every week otherwise you’d be going straight to hell in a hand basket” … Char (Schroeder) … don’t count your chickens. Last time I checked, Heaven doesn’t quite work on the family plan.

“It’s pretty, isn’t it? It moves fast” … Reggie (Black) on NYC … well, everything except the traffic, that is.

“Should there be a route marker there? / There could be anything that they want to put there! Do you understand?!” … Marion / Brian (Paolo) … that is true, but wouldn’t going with “maybe” or “I don’t know” have been a lot less stressful. The man’s going to grow an ulcer before getting to the store.

“I’m doing all the thinking here!” … DJ (Paolo) … and what a stellar job you’ve been doing so far.

“I love you boys. / Stop asking stupid questions” … Marion / Brian (Paolo) … note to Brian: some phrases are sentimental and some are memorable. It’s really important not to mix up the two.

“This is a good task for him” … Matt on Tony (Aiello) getting the frank … it might have been a better task for him if you didn’t park the truck halfway down the block. Nobody wants to make their father-in-law’s last words be “You idiots … park closer.”

“He’s going to have a heart attack” … Kevin on Tony (Aiello) … ironically, Tony might have been better off if Drew and Kevin had given him an actual hot dog instead.

“I’d like to be on their team” … Drew on the Bransen girls …it would be an interesting mix but ultimately doomed to failure the first time Drew and Kevin referred to the Dad as Walder. I just can’t see the love in that moment.

“Look at ‘em hanging out like a bunch of monkeys” … Brock (Rogers) on the Weavers … the GMC XL: the choice of the discriminating simian. And Brock, I’m not sure which is the worse fate … being in the monkey car or being beaten by the monkey car.

“Your clue is in the historic park in Pennsylvania. I don’t know if that means like the state of Pennsylvania?” … Linda (Weaver) … it’s a fair question though it’s a safe bet that the “places named Pennsylvania” list in the Atlas is a pretty small section.
Well, I can see where the respect is coming from. Kevin and Drew managed to develop an argument style that the Paolos can only dream of.

“You guys were the best” … Brian (Paolo) to Kevin and Drew … well, I can see where the respect is coming from. Kevin and Drew managed to develop an argument style that the Paolos can only dream of.

“That was nice of him to say that” … Kevin … and sadly that is the only nice thing that Brian will be saying for the near future.


Should the Statue of Liberty plaque be reworded to say “Give me your tired, your poor, your hungry, but please no more reality shows contestants. We’re full up”?

Will Megan rise above the status as “the girl who was arm curled by her brothers”?

Tony Paolo philosophy: If you work hard, you will get what you want. Brian Paolo philosophy: But what if what you want is not to work hard?

You know all things being equal, if I was ever mauled by a grizzly bear, I probably wouldn’t care that he’s great with his kids.

Brittney may have Southern charm and hospitality but she really needs to work on her golf swing.

Can we please have a start one day where nobody get hurt or loses clothing?

Does the camera guy racing with the Godlewski family really wish he brought his earplugs to work with him?
Does the camera guy racing with the Godlewski family really wish he brought his earplugs to work with him?

Being in the opening credits is cool. Having a cannon explode before your name shows up in them is very cool.

Choosing between the nicknames Desperate Housewives and Pink Ladies is going to be tough for the Godlewski sisters. Sure one got a bunch of Emmys but it’s hard to beat those pink embroidered jackets. They both beat “stupid old farts”, though

Was anyone else surprised that Papa Paolo didn’t just crank the radio and drown out the backseat completely?

How much faster and more efficient would shopping be if all the stores simply had tables with your name on it with all the things you want?

I’m hoping Kevin and Drew were simply a publicity stunt or else things have really gone downhill for them since the first season. They’ve signed up for the controversial “Clues for Food” program with CBS.

Are we likely to see Rob and Amber handing out clues from a chip wagon next season?

Probably a first for the Eastern Mountain Sport store … using the PA to announce a clean up needed in aisle 6.

The new state motto for New Jersey … “The state that goes to other states.”

Kudos to Carissa for approaching Kevin and Drew. That’s the 9-year-old equivalent of us asking Shaquille O’Neal for the next clue.