Amazing Race Rants

Amazing Race Rant - Episode Ten


"This is the historic city of Istanbul, Turkey. It is the only city in the world built on two continents, Europe and Asia" … Phil … thanks for clearing up which two continents, Phil. Probably stopped a few people from planning that same day walking tour of Australia and South America.

"Will this be the final blow to Ron and Kelly's already troubled relationship?" … Phil … or just the beginning of many blows leading to Ron and Kelly's troubled lawsuits?
After all, their new team mantra is the harmonious "for all that I've put up with, we better win the million."
"or will it bring them closer together as they work to come from behind?" … Phil … it might. After all, their new team mantra is the harmonious "for all that I've put up with, we better win the million."

"and after jumping ahead in the last leg, will Uchenna and Joyce and Meredith and Gretchen be able to stay ahead of the competition?" … Phil … well, that really depends on how much free travel advice Rob is willing to give out this time.

"teams must pass through a group of whirling dervishes, a religious sect famed for a ritual in which they spin to show devotion to their faith" … Phil … kind of makes the commitment to go to church every Sunday look a little weak in comparison. At least you get to sit down for a while.

"In our real world, Uchenna goes in one direction and I go in another direction. So definitely this race has drawn us together. mainly because we have to rely on each other" … Joyce … and with only one cameraman, there's only so many different directions a wide angle can cover without this becoming The Amazing Tennis Match.

"Are these dervishes right over here?" "Those look like dervishes to me" … Joyce / Uchenna … no doubt relying on their handy "Dervish watching" guidebook for Europe and Asia.

"Teams will have to figure out that this is Abbey Road" … Phil … or risk asking someone and being pelted and laughed at by the thousands of Beatles fans in the London area.

"This is cool. It's magical. This is cool!" … Joyce / Uchenna on the whirling dervishes … it's certainly a religious ritual with a little pizzazz to it. Like watching a sermon done by the Blue man group.

"We were just hoping to get through the first couple of legs without embarrassing ourselves and here we are" … Gretchen … you made it right near the end … but as for avoiding embarrassing yourselves, I'd like to call the African bushmen and The Scale Man to the stand, please.

"We should just take a direct flight because anything can happen to connecting flights" … Joyce … like, heaven forbid, they could get in earlier. Is their short-term memory that bad that they've forgotten their Delhi connection flight advantage already?

"Find the zebra crossing made famous on a Beatles album cover." "Why couldn't it be Mel Torme or something?" … Meredith / Gretchen … probably to avoid to the collective "Who the hell is that?" from the under-40s in the viewing audience, not to mention that Mel Torme landmarks are a little on the scarce side these days.

"Rob and I know it's getting close to the end" … Amber … either from noticing the lines are a lot shorter for the Pit stop buffet table or they just counted the victory notches on Rob's hat.

"The nerves in your stomach keep turning and turning and it makes you make stupid decisions" … Amber … I hope eating a big dinner wasn't one of them or this could be one ugly flight.

"We have no idea what a dervish is?" "I think it's a topless woman" … Amber / Rob … Rob … yeah, that Dervishes Gone Wild video is all the rage in Europe. Do you think the odds of seeing Rob on Celebrity Jeopardy have just dimmed a little bit?

"Honey, these rocks are kinda slick." "Not really" … Kelly / Ron … followed up quickly by the "Honey this looks like a compound fracture. Not really" statement.

"Kelly is not going to be wearing makeup for a little while. She'll be wearing the same clothes day after day. It's going to get a little nastier" … Ron … smellier, maybe. We passed nasty a few legs back.

"She's really surprised me and I think I've seen everything that I want to see out of her on this race" … Ron … and yet there's now even more Kelly on the menu, just with less make-up. Bon Appetit.

"I used to think that I could marry Ron" … Kelly … having passed that whole "he's not my first cousin" guideline already.

"I'm just not sure if he's the one or if I'm the one for him." … Kelly … if by "the one" you mean the star of your bad relationship anecdotes, then he's the one. Otherwise, I wouldn't be sending out the wedding invites just yet.

"That's what I'm hoping this race will show us" … Kelly … and hopefully you've collected enough memories to fill a couple of "Not a chance" wedding albums

"We have zero dollars" … Kelly to store clerk … if you listen closely, you'll get to hear the Turkish phrase for "Then I have zero interest. Get out of my store."

"From which country?" "We're from America" … Guy / Kelly … a little brave Kelly. Saying that in Turkey will either get you a helping hand or a second chance for Ron to experience the POW lifestyle.

"This looks like they're dead" … Rob … being able to identify them as dead even though they're spinning around. Just what kind of weird ass funerals has Rob been attending?
It's been a tradition for hundreds of years, but we're creeping Amber out, guys. Let's call a night.
"Yeah, I don't like it. It's spooky." … Amber … and so ends another religious sect. It's been a tradition for hundreds of years, but we're creeping Amber out, guys. Let's call a night.

"It's like they're hanging from something" … Amber … possibly, but I'm willing to bet God would have boomed down by now "I can see the damn strings!" if they weren't on the level.

"This is my Turkish translation: Please go fast" … Rob … he's probably saving the translations for "I was on Survivor" and "Take me to the topless women" as back-ups.

"Do you guys have the Internet?" … Rob to clerk … the need to send his buddies the e-mail "Dervishes aren't topless women" is too strong to resist.

"Please don't let anyone else use the Internet." … Amber to clerk … the dreaded Rob and Amber worm strikes Turkey's computers. They'll need to install the Lex and Rupert anti-virus software to battle it.

"And those ones we're going to flaunt around to make the other teams think we're on that flight" … Amber on the 8:30 tickets … because they are the only six people in the world that still might actually believe anything they say. I noticed the "Did you get on early flight?" strategy fell by the wayside pretty quick.

"Do you mind if I borrow some of your lipstick?" … Kelly … it seems Turkish airlines will need to start stocking little lipsticks to give out along with the plastic wings and peanuts.

"Ron, is Frankfurt on the way to London?" … Kelly … apparently the Geography portion of the Miss South Carolina pageant is entirely optional.

"If you don't take any risks, you're not going to win anything" … Ron … and you'll miss out on the chance to lose spectacularly, too.

"On this flight, a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush" … Meredith … unless, however, that bush is due to land an hour and half ahead of you. Then your bird becomes crow-like.

"Whoever gets to the counter first is gonna have first priority in talking with people" … Rob … thank you Rob for explaining the complex intricacies of what scientists refer to as "a line-up."

"They must have been pissed when we got on that shuttle" … Rob … about as pissed as you'll be when they get on your stand-by flight. There's enough pissiness to go around for everyone.

"Getting out of the airport, we never looked back to see where Ron and Kelly were" … Amber … they just didn't get a chance to explain to Ron and Kelly that by friendship, they meant the long-distance kind.

"Does this get into London?" … Amber on Heathrow Express … why, yes, it does ma'am. We've been looking to revise our "Fastest way to get to London" slogan because it just doesn't seem to be getting the message across.

"Stuart just pretty much volunteered to take us right there" … Amber … making a third category of Rob and Amber helpers, after "Star struck" and "Bribe-takers".

"It really feels good for somebody to help us" … Ron … now, let's get back out there and screw the other teams.

"Thank God we're in a country where people actually speak English" … Ron … what was God thinking having all those other countries speaking their native tongues? Doesn't he realize this is a race?

"This guy is pumped to be with us" … Rob … or he's trying to lose us but just isn't fast enough. Probably thinking "Where's a cop when you need one?"

"Let's see if we can worm him and keep him with us all day long" … Rob … you see "ask" or "convince" would have worked, too, but they just don't fit into the Rob action verb list like "worm" does.

"Babe, pick up the pace a little bit because we are in a race still" … Ron … might not help her race pace any, but the anger and frustration pace is red-lining now for sure.

"I feel like I'm in outer space over here" … Rob … as I regret that my remote does not come equipped with a "Launch" button.

"Which side do you want?" "I'll take this side, after I get my apology" … Ron / Kelly … so if he says he's sorry, she'll go to the other side of the gondola, otherwise she'll stay on his side. It's lesser of two evils time.
If it's a store, then those three naked guys are certainly running a pretty interesting business.
"Is Hammersmith a place?" … Amber … let's hope so. If it's a store, then those three naked guys are certainly running a pretty interesting business.

"Two teams got in a couple of hours earlier than we did. We just got to play the game really smart right now" … Gretchen … well, you thought you were really smart when you stuck with that slower direct flight, so it might be time to start playing really really smart instead.

"I might be the only one who enjoys that" … Amber on finding the three naked men … Amber gets to enjoy her bachelorette party courtesy of the Amazing Race. Hope it goes better than Rob's whirling dervish stag.

"Do y'all know anything about Hammersmith? The three naked men of Hammersmith?" … Ron to the subway crowd … and in one bold stroke, Ron causes public transit ridership to plummet.

"There they are. What's up with the British guys?" … Rob on the statue … okay it might not be too tactful to say "what's up" to a statue of three naked guys, but then again, hanging bags from the naked guys statue isn't exactly PC, either.

"Quit screwing around. Hey, give it back. I think everything's got to be over here." "No, we're good" … Rob / Amber on Sherlock's items … better listen to him, Amber. If Sherlock finds out you were messing with his stuff, he's likely to open a can of Victorian whoop-ass on you.

"Hey Sherlock, how are ya" … Rob … you greet Mr. Holmes like that and you're just inviting Dr. Watson to smack you along side the head to show Sherlock some respect.

"Teams must now make their way to the Millennium Dome, the largest public arena of its kind in the world" … Phil …with that category being white-roofed stadiums with giant needles sticking out of them. Can't say there are too many on that list.

"Good morning. Might you summon a cab for us?" … Uchenna … Uchenna obviously trying to speak British to the locales. With a classy line like that, I would hope their cab would come with some Grey Poupon in it.

"Let's go to the boats. The London underground, I don't know the first thing about it" … Meredith … and apparently you don't know the first thing about how heavy a 160 pound boat can be, either.

"I want him to get through this a little quicker before any other teams show up, especially the yielded team … Amber … after all, what's the point of doing actions, if you have to face up to all those nasty consequences?

"This is the nail in the coffin" … Ron on being yielded … well, just one nail. The way you've been fighting, it seems like you two are already each armed and dangerous with a nail gun.

"Keep truckin', you guys." "We're truckin'" … Uchenna / Gretchen … not sure where Uchenna pulled that 70s inspirational phrase from, but he sure was groovy to say it.

"Meredith and Gretchen are nice people and I hate to see them break their backs like this because this is definitely grunt work" … Uchenna … which by default either makes Joyce not nice or a grunt. Luckily Uchenna doesn't have hair or she'd be pulling it out by now.

"It didn't stop. Are we on the wrong platform or what?" … Uchenna … a rather unfortunate time to discover that "train" can have multiple meanings.

"Lots of traffic today, huh?" … Gretchen … well, given that seven million people live in London, I imagine light traffic days might be a bit of a rarity.

"The devil made me do it" … Kelly on vandalizing Rob and Amber's picture … careful who you blame, Kelly. Rob probably has good connections with the man downstairs.

"This probably would have been one of the perfect roadblocks for me to do" … Ron … when not flying a helicopter, Ron moonlighted as a double-decker Humvee driver in Iraq.

"This is something that might be a little difficult for her but hopefully she'll get the hang of it." … Ron … and if not, being the only person to ever flip over a double-decker bus is something she can brag about, too.

"It would be fair to say that you guys have had some good luck" … Phil to Rob and Amber … nah, it's reached the "pretty obvious to say" point. I doubt Vegas is looking forward to them visiting anytime soon.

"This race, luck is probably one of the most important things" … Amber … well, apparently skill and fair play aren't major requirements any more.
I can't imagine hearing "Babycakes" is really going to inspire or help too much.
"Babycakes!" "I can't understand what the hell you're saying" … Uchenna / Joyce … a good thing, too. I can't imagine hearing "Babycakes" is really going to inspire or help too much.

"It's like teaching women how to drive" … Ron … it's take a brave man to say that, but a smart man to say it out of earshot of a woman driving a double decker bus.

"Straighten it out." "I don't know what straight is" … Ron / Kelly … one trick to figure out straight is to watch the judge. If he stops laughing, pointing, and shaking his head, you've probably found straight.

"It took a little instruction" … Ron … and with success after only eight attempts, you did some pretty good instructing there, Ron.

"This is the woman/man problem. You become a soldier and you don't have to deal with that. You can say whatever you want" … Ron … I'm not sure when the Army established the "say whatever you want" policy, replacing the "shut-up and do what your told" policy. If it helps Ron, though, just think of Kelly as an officer … salute a lot and grumble under your breath.

"This is the emotional side I've never had to deal with before" … Ron … makes all those "I love you's" that came before now seem just a little bit emptier.

"You're acting like you could do it better." "I flew a $35 million helicopter" … Kelly / Ron … but hell, you did crash it, didn't you? I fear what you might do to a poor innocent bus.

"Highly highly trained to operate a mobile machine" … Ron … what about the stationary ones? Is it that he could probably drive the bus, but if he had to operate a parking meter, they'd be screwed?

"You've got this ego thing way up here" … Ron … well, something's got to keep Kelly's whining thing company.

"You're sittin' here saying I can drive anything, I can park anything, I've driven this and I've driven that" … Kelly … he's certainly proved that the one thing he can drive for sure is her up the wall.

"Tell him to turn around. We're going back to the challenge" … Ron … not doing a lot to dispel that whole inflated ego argument. He better hope that he's highly highly trained to operate a runaway girlfriend.

"We can lose the race to go back and let you be a man" … Kelly … and to continue on with the man theme, I suppose Ron could just hijack the bus and drive it to the next pit stop.

"She's doing way better with my mouth shut" … Uchenna … now if Joyce could only have found a way to work that into his wedding vows, they'd already be enjoying a closer relationship.

"Potter's field. I think that's where they bury people" … Gretchen … sounds creepy. I guess this pit stop will have a nice Poltergeist feel to it. If Phil whispers "they're here", it might be wise to bypass the mat altogether.

"If I never see another double decker bus it will be too soon" … Meredith … well, the bus tour of London CBS had planned for them just got shot to hell. Thanks, Meredith.

"We were going to win this race the right way" … Kelly … kicking, screaming, and fighting all the way to the finish, like true champions.

"I see a definite lack of character in Rob and Amber" … Ron … tough to have character when you are too busy being one, I guess.

"Losing is not an option. I can't lose" … Rob … it may be up to the other teams to remind Rob to always keep his options open.


Can Uchenna now rightfully say that he yelled so loud for the taxi, that they heard him on two continents?

Will the Whirling Dervishes modify their spinning ritual by now including the chant "Just take the clue and leave us alone" ?

The Dervish sect membership requirements: faith, devotion, and a really good sense of rhythm. A strong stomach would be a bonus, too.

When researching clue locations, did the Producers come up with their great ideas by looking through their LPs collections?

Congrats to Rob, who managed to pronounce "Dervish" two different ways in under 10 seconds and get both of them wrong. Way to minimize those jihads.

Traveler's Tip: Not everybody in Istanbul might be willing to lend you money, but at the very least, they'll tell you where the nearest singing tavern is.
Eight million Lira for a cab ride! Screw the race, Ron. You and Kelly have already become Turkish millionaires.
Eight million Lira for a cab ride! Screw the race, Ron. You and Kelly have already become Turkish millionaires.

Some might argue that it was actually Stuart who solved the riddles for Rob and Amber, but to be fair, Rob did hold the magnifying glass and read the clue. It's a team effort.

I'm not surprised it took Rob four times to park the bus. He was probably thinking about the other teams as he ran over all those pylons.

If she doesn't win the million, at least Kelly could find work as an artist. She did seem to capture Rob and Amber's inner personality quite convincingly.

Another prize for Rob and Amber. Are they lucky or is this CBS sending them a few presents for the wedding they just happen to be airing? Michael Moore should be looking at this.

Thankfully no racers were injured on this leg … wish I could say the same thing for the poor pylons.

I'm sure the racers have heard stories or read about it the paper, but it's not until you experience it that you learn that bus road rage can happen to anyone … and it's not pretty.

You know, as national costumes go, the English offering of a trench coat and bowler hat just doesn't seem to have too much flash to it. The guy looked like Phil's valet.